Moving!

I've moved my blog to http://xtraordinarymachine82.wordpress.com/

If you wanna keep track of my shit, that'll be the new place to go.

*lick*

Bitter, Party of One?

If there is one word I have been called over any other, it would be "bitter".

Everyone I've grown close to. Everyone I've loved.

I'm always "bitter".

This description of me always ignites anger. Denial. An intensified need to dispute.

Noone likes to be called bitter. Noone wants to feel like that's what other people think of me.

I look back on these people. And, the times that fell upon them and myself during most of these accusations, and I wonder if I was truly the bitter one, or were they?

Now, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not difficult, and stubborn. Agitating and nerve-racking.

I also won't pretend that I don't hold grudges, or get angry and say the first thing that comes to my mind. And more often than not, I don't stop at the first thing that comes to mind. I say eeeevery single possible thing that comes to mind.

I've never understood what it is about my persona, my demeanor, my actions and my words ultimately lead people to the word "bitter".

When I hear it, it reminds me of ..some old lady who used to be this really happy person. Then one day the love of her life died in some freak accident involving a frisbee, a doberman, and a firetruck. She got depressed, moved into some little shack by a graveyard where she doesn't take care of her yard, and when children near her property she screams out to leave her alone or they'll be the ham-hock in her next stew.

Someone that, has no joy. Sparks no smile. Stirs no emotions but negativity.

Maybe I'm a little biased because, it's me they're talking about...But, I just don't think bitter is the right word.

The more think about it, the more it bothers me. And, the more it bothers me, the more I think about it.
Just because I don't take shit off people, can be ruthless and don't walk around spitting rainbows from my asshole all day, doesn't mean I have to be labeled as a bitter person.

Truth be told, I think im quite far from bitter.
I've led a life most people prolly wouldn't choose. I've been through alot, and lord knows I have some issues because of it. However, I think given all of that, I'm in at least a halfway decent state of mind.
Lord knows I could walk around blaming everyone else for my mistakes. But, I'm one of the few people I know that is ALWAYS pointing out what I do wrong, or what I could've done better.

I'm not so sure A "bitter" person would do that.

I've tried to shed this label for years. And, it's something that always lingers.
I'm right handed. Bald. Gay. ...and bitter. (allegedly)

Other than the guy that spit in my face at work, and Craig (the guy who is so tired of reading my blog and hearing me complain that he wants to hand me a knife so I just get it over with) ..I don't hold a grudge against anyone. And, being that.both of those things occured within the last year....
I'm totally not seeing it.

It's making me bitter, trying to figure out why I'm always called bitter. (lol)
Even if I am bitter (which i dispute) who the fuck is anyone else to point it out. If you gotta say "god..yer sucha bitter person". You must be a real asshole. lol.

Anyway, I guess the point is this.

Often times, people are gonna call you something. Maybe they'll be right. Maybe they'll be wrong.
Maybe everyone agrees. Maybe noone agrees.

The only thing that really matters is that you're able to continue your life, unphased by what anyone else thinks of you.
Because you are the only one you need to answer for at the end of the day.

If you don't like me, you can suck on my left nut.
I'm sure the taste is prolly just as bitter as I am.

The Wings of Forgiveness.

Shamefully, I write for the first time in what seems like forever.
I'd like to have some valid excuse for not doing what I know I'm meant to do; but truth be told, I have no excuse.
I guess that's not actually true. I'm sure I have plenty of excuses. Infact, I know I have plenty of excuses. Seems that if theres one thing I was meant to do, other than to write, it's to make excuses.
I'm a professional excusionist.

My reason behind my lack of motivation is simply that. A lack of motivation. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, or not even that I haven't had anything to write. (There was this whole weird thing that happened where I sneezed and swallowed at the same time; a sneezle as it should be called, where all I could think of was the blog I wanted to write. I had it all planned out in my head and it was going to be comedic genuis, but then I put it off and put it off, and now it doesn't seem all that pertinent.
(But, I will say..try your best to avoid sneezling at all cost. It's this fucked up thing and you end up feeling like your eardrums just exploded. Your cheeks hurt, your throat is a mess. It's like you just blew Ron Jeremy for 14 hours and the "stuff" (i have issues with "cum") started coming out of your ears but then stopped midway through)
There's been a few sad days too, where all I've wanted to do was get on here and rant and rave about whatever woe was ailing me at that particular moment. Seems everytime I tried I just procrastinated my way out of it.

So, now here I am a month later. Why now? Why this time? Why didn't I choose to say "ehh..fuck it. I'll write later "?

Well, partially cause I'm doing laundry and I got some time to kill. And, partially because it's just finally that time. My drought is drawing an end, or something.

Life has gotten crazy. Unexpected. Upside down. Topst Turvy , if you will.

I've had an overwhelming amount of stress lately.
Most of it revolving bills and roomate and roomate boyfriend debacles.

It's hard to be struggling. It's even harder to be struggling and watch other people not only take advantage of you, but your friends. It's even harder than that, to express these feelings to your friend.
It's funny how blind people become when they've fallen in love. Or whatever version of it they convince themselves they've fallen into.

Being, the kind of person that speaks his mind, it's often difficult to keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. Especially when you see someone making every subconscious effort to sabotage their life that they possibly can.
It's hard to be that guy that points out the truth.
It's not fair to have to be the one that looks like he isn't in your corner. It's not fun being the guy that doesn't believe in the possibilities for someone, and its even worse when the reason is because those possibilities don't exist.

It's incredibly difficult wavering on the line of giving advice and experiences as a friend, and saying too much to someone that doesn't wanna hear anything but what they want to hear.

It's hard losing people. Yet it's harder watching people lose themselves. As I'm sure some people could justifiably say about myself as well.

I've changed my mental state of mind drastically over the last few weeks. I've, basically become a different person. One that's nearly unrecognizable. It's sucha double edged sword, because while you may have been unhappy with some part of you before, you may not be happy with some part of you after.

Deepak Chopra said. "When you live your life through the filter of the judgment that reality isn’t measuring up to your expectations, then you are no longer living in the present moment, you are living in the past and future. When you simply accept what is there before you as a fact, without judgment, then you are in the present moment and that is a much more effective and powerful place to live from. You are not pretending that you know what is supposed to happen or not, you are just living you life in full awareness of the moment."

I take those words seriously, because it's something I've never been able to fully do. Until recently.
Mistakes or not, I make each decision knowing that it is my now. It is, what it is at that moment, and...that's all it really has to be.

I think sometimes some of the circumstances I've been in, whether directly my doing or not, forced me to become this person that was trying to be more than I could be. Perhaps trying to be something more than I'm capable, or was capable.
And, it left me a very unhappy person.

I'm trying to get rid of that. I've made alot of mistakes lately. Ones that I'm not proud of, and ones that I wouldn't acknowledge if you stood before me and asked. However, I wear the responsibility on my shoulders. I made poor choices, and I've paid and will continue to pay the repercussions of these choices.

I too, have learned from them. And will continue to do so.
Pride, and preserverance are often on complete opposite sides of life. And, I honestly believe some of these actions have put me down a path I need to be on.

Along with some mistakes I've made, I've also lost some friendships along the way. Sometimes people grow apart. sometimes they just don't need you, or you them.
My life has always kinda been this way with friends. Growing up, I never really had any. I wasn't allowed to go places, or have people over. So, having friends is always something that makes me feel kind of out of place. I've grown out of it abit, and have grown close to several people over the years. Unfortunately I lack some of the experiences that you learn from as a kid and teenager with friends, so when a friendship goes sour, or evaporates I tend to get overly emotional, and find ways to pick myself apart for doing something wrong. ( i do this in all forms of relationships with people actually. It's hard for me to understand that I'm not always to blame for everything)
Because of these hang-ups I often find it best to only be close with a few people. While I've learned how to attract friends, I often ignore those tools, and instead opt for making enemies.
Sometimes, I feel like friendship is one big card game. One of those stupid ones you play as a kid,like the memory game; all you gotta do is find the match. Or like Old Maid, or Go Fish. Or maybe that one where every so often you pass all your cards to the person to your left. Only, for me it feels like the person to my right didn't have any cards. So, then I wind up looking like a jackass for not having any cards.

Everybody loves a villain, and I personally love to be an asshole. However, you find that it's ultimately not satisfying on a personal level. At least not after awhile.
It's hard being that guy, when yer probably not really at all.
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but..I'm pretty good at pretending to be something I'm not. I don't like vulnerability, or weakness.
Unfortunately I'm both. And, what's also unfortunate is that I don't realize often enough that being vulnerable and somewhat weak, is also something that makes me a beautiful person.


With all that said, the main reason I'm writing today is because of my dad.
Some of the people reading this may know, and some of them may not know that my father has been in prison since April of 2002. Since it's probably not appropriate to list his convictions in my blog, I'll just say he was a bad man, who did bad things, and went away for it. Also, managing to completely demolish my credit in the process. So, he's been gone for almost seven years. In those seven years, I've not written him nearly as much as I should, considering most of my childhood, it was just him and I, and he's pretty much written me at LEAST 2 letters a week since he went in...
My father gets released on Saturday March 7th. And, for the first time in a very long time I know I'm going to be faced with having to rebuild another broken relationship.
I'm completely mortified of this, for several reasons. I know I have some underlying animosity somewhere, that I'm afraid will come out in an inappropriate way.
I also know he's going to have alot of questions about life. Questions that I feel don't have the answers they should.
It's hard after being the kid who had so much promise, and so many high expectations, to be someone who's fallen short.
I guess when he's behind bars it's easier to avoid. Not that he's in any position to judge me. But, I think everyone has this underlying need to impress their parents.

Most importantly I'm faced with something brand new to me. For the first time, I'll be having an adult relationship with one of my parents. I haven't seen or spoken to my mom since I was seventeen. And, when my dad went to jail. I'd barely had a job, let alone my own apartment.
I take care of myself now. I don't have to answer to anyone. And, while I'll struggle with having to face my father for the first time in a long time, as...an adult. I know that for the first time ever, my father will have to face me as...an adult.
It might seem ridiculous, but for me it's intimidating. It has me worried. Scared even. It's a whole new scenario where acceptance arises.
Whom will or won't accept the other for the person they are now. Are we both gonna be able to handle that...we don't know each other anymore. Things aren't the same. And, they probably never will be.
And worse yet, what if who we once were, and who we are now are so completely different that...it becomes too difficult to even ..handle.
It's one of the biggest reasons I don't make an effort to talk to my mom.
It's scary to try to meet someone that you're supposed to love unconditionally, that you know...but...you don't really know.

Truth is, I don't know either of my parents. Not who they are now.
And, they don't know me either.
I guess, sometimes I wonder if that's so much a bad thing, and not just a good thing.
For all of us.
At any rate, it's going to be a very interesting stage in my life.
Pivotal.

I guess if anything it will test the strength of who I claim to become.
I've stated I don't want to be the same person I've been.
I've claimed I want to change, and be more open to forgiveness and acceptance.
I want to begin my adventure towards total responsibility and become a person I can say I'm proud of, and in whom I have faith and love.
And, just maybe this can be a new beginning sort of thing.

It could also be devastatingly tragic.
But, I guess the only option for me to choose to remain hopeful in the life I'm living is to do just that.
Remain hopeful.

I think to do that honestly, I need to forgive the people that have hurt me. And, I include myself in the category.
Of all the people that I owe my forgiveness, I am the one I'm hardest on.
And, I think that is going to change.

Come What May

Awhile ago, I found myself in a conversation with someone I haven't conversed with much in awhile. This person is a very interesting guy, who I had been "talking" to for awhile on the phone. He's younger than me, and more naive than me. Less experienced in the world, but vastly intellectual, and a very logical person.

We stopped talking, basically because the decision was made that, it could never work between us. Circumstances aren't very promoting. So, it was deemed best to nip it in the butt before emotions got involved, and so forth and so on.

This conversation started out with that situation and derived from there. And, by the time it was over, I was left wondering exactly when and where we as people draw these lines.

The ones that we make for ourselves and our situations, and feel forced to place ourselves on one side or the other.



There is a fine line indeed, between eliminating something from your life that seems impossible, and throwing away something that could be possible.

It's hard to decide when you're chasing after a pipe dream that can never happen, or you're running from something because you're afraid that it might.



We do this, all the time. Every week. Every hour.

We place goals and dreams in our hearst and minds. We build ourselves up in hopes of reaching them, and we just as quickly write them off.



How often do we step back to actually notice the things we deny ourselves of, because of these goals and dreams.

Maybe you want a family, so you ignore opportunities at work.

Maybe you want to build a career, so you find that you can't fit in a blind date.



It happens so regularly.



And I personally wonder when to possibilities become so impossible, and when does the impossible become a possibility?

When do you know?

How far is too far? How much is enough?



The restrictions and limitations we put on ourselves, amazes me.

Thinking we can't handle this, or we can't juggle that.



Why bother with this, when we've got that going on over there.

Sometimes I think it would do all of us some serious good to take a step back, and instead of looking at what we're heading for....consider what we're leaving behind.



I have made so many wrong decisions. I've jumped to conclusions, and made choices that weren't clearly thought through. Sometimes those choices were for the best.

Sometimes they were not.

I wonder if given the chance to take a different route, if I would.



I wonder if I was able to draw a line a second time, if I'd always place myself on the same side.



I'm an irrational thinker. I'm not very practical, or logical.

I think of these things, but rarely do i side with them.



I find myself more of a dreamer.



I often wish I weren't this way. I think sometimes, that it would be best if I made decisions more regularly with an alliance of logic, and intellect. One with facts, and probability.

Instead I opt for emotion, and belief. Faith, and unpredicability.



My greatest fear is not, not getting what I want for myself. It's getting what I want for myself, and realizing that maybe that's not the complete answer. What will I search for then?



When faced with the decisions that we all face in life, I find myself wondering less about what's ahead of me, and more about what's behind.

Not what will change, but what won't.



Life is often about sacrifice. A very small percentage of people get what they want. At least not completely. You often hafta make decisions that lead you on a new path. Creating a whole new set-list of decisions requiring your alteration. Every door opens new ones.



I think the world in general would be a happier place if we didn't try to plan so much. In the planning process we lose the spark of spontanaiety (Spell check!) We forget that sometimes, the greatest things we can experience come in times we least expect, or from places we wouldn't normally desire. Life is crazy like that.

I encourage everyone to keep their minds open to the unexpected.



We draw the lines in our own lives. We make the rules for ourselves. Which means, we can make the decision to stop drawing lines forselves to abide by. And, I think by doing that we'd open up our lives to some of the greatest possibilities.

And, often times, the worst mistakes.
Still yet... I think that the one, makes up for the other.

Grievances

After refusing to repost a bulletin I read earlier, I'm spending the next few minutes planning ways to improve my luck, which is apparently going to be shitty for the next 15 years. It makes you wonder what life was like before all these ridiculous forwards were introduced to ruin the luck of the human race for the next decade plus.
It's absurd! I know I stepped on a few cracks, and my mothers back never broke. I've broken mirrors, opened umbrellas indoors, but....not even these things put a bad joo-joo on you for FIFTEEN years.

Hell, gum only stays in your system for 7. (lol)

It's like when you get one of those wank-ass text messages telling you how great of a person you are, and how thankful so-and-so is to have you in their life. But, you secretly know that they just forwarded it to like 3534151 people, twelve of which were all in the room with you when you got it (and so did they cuz you all collectively said "ugh..i hate forwards) leading you to think "god...how special can I be, I just heard *insert name* get the same text, and I know he hates that bitch".
People. Listen. Your luck isn't gonna change if you don't pass that shit on. It might even improve. I mean, at least I won't hate you more. Your family members aren't gonna die cuz you didn't post it. And, contrary to what it says...you probably will have sex again at some point. Unless you look like Jon Lovitz. (or...infact ARE Jon Lovitz. I don't care what kinda residuals "A League of their Own" gives him...there can't be many people fucking him willingly)

I don't need any text message with an embedded picture of a heart and some roses with it, to confirm my friendships.
If you find yourself sitting there thinking "hmm...I wonder if Nicklous knows how much I love him"...A simple "Hey Nick...Just wanted to text you and let you know that I fucking love you" will suffice. I'll prolly text back with "awe...I fucking love you too". Unless I don't, which...I might be wondering why you're texting me that you love me, if I don't love you back in the first place. But, even still I'd prolly text you back with an "awe..me too! so whats up" (avoiding saying I love you, if you don't infact love someone, is perfectly acceptable. Trust me, I do it all the time at work) lol

Another grievance I have is people that act like assholes, then act like they know they were an asshole. I like my assholes to be dirty, shady assholes. I want you to pretend you never did anything.
So, Craig. It's safe to order from me at the bar. You don't have to lurk around B and pretend you aren't thirsty. We both know you're a raging alcoholic. Let's not pretend you came there, seen me and suddenly want to pass it off as not bein in the mood to drink. I make drinks for alot of people I don't like. Just as I'm sure everyone you make a pizza for isn't on your Christmas card list. So, Fear not. As much as I'd like to spit in your drink (or...you know..worse) I'm not like that. (I actually wouldn't come to you for a drink either...but...you know..this is about me. Not you. Douchebag)

While we're on grievances...I've got a few more. People that claim to be your "best friend" or "one of your best friends" yet...lie to you over the dumbest shit. I don't need to know everything you do, but if you are gonna tell me what you did...TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, not some fabricated version of what you did. Once it's a lie..it's not what you did....It becomes what you DIDNT do.

I'm also not fond of people who start talking to someone, fall head over heels, then gets fucked over, then forgives, then gets fucked over again, then forgives, then lied to and fucked over 37 times in a row, then...comes bitching and moaning to their friend (who is ALWAYS there for them) then...because they fall for the same old routine, and said friend wants nothing to do with the lying sonodacunt.....basically treats the friend like they've done something wrong, and makes them feel like a complete outsider.

I don't like people that don't return phone calls.
I don't like people that pretend other peoples' feelings aren't important. I mean, I'm a dickhead...and I'm still aware that other people matter. It's not always just about me.

I'm also very upset with MTV. Myself being an avid fan of DVR, I record almost everything that I view on television. I couldn't even tell you the last thing I watched live. (it was LOST last night..I couldn't wait) I don't know what's wrong with MTV, maybe it's that fuckin MTV News bullshit they do, that throws off all the programming by 3 minutes, or what...but I'm sick and fucking tired of missing the end of the fucking Real World:Brooklyn. You'd think some genuis would figure out a way to make DVR record the whole god damned program, not just the time the program is scheduled for. It's more than just MTV, too.

The Academy Awards. Every year, they go way over. The year Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress,...They announce her name. She walks up. Starts crying. And....says... Nothing. Show over. All I get is "delete program" or "do not delete program". I still dunno what she said.

The year Carrie Underwood won American Idol. There she is. (Ryan Seacrest) And, theres Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Holding hands. And the winner is... "delete program" "do not delete program". I had to look it up online, after my roomate and I stood there...jaws dropped momentarily cause we couldn't believe we waited all season for that moment..and then...didn't get it.

And, I won't even mention the fact that CBS' schedule on Sundays is ALWAYS fucked up during football season. Every sunday, I get half of 60 minutes, and the first half of the Amazing Race. And, lets face it...the second half is WAY better than the first half.

Another debacle I'm having is idiots in my apartment building. Every weekend some random asshole has dumped beer all over in one of the elevators, or left trash all over one of the elevators. Cat Litter, all over one of the elevators. Food, all over the elevators. Silly string, all over the elevators. I wanna write a note like "hey...assholes. Im not sure how you prefer the place YOU fucking live in, to look...but I prefer it to not look like I'm twelve years old and sleep in a fucking twin size bed shaped like a racecar. So, if you could please try not to throw your shit allllll over the place, and keep it confined to your own apartment, that'd be great. I kinda like not having cockroaches. But, I can't speak for everyone here. Obviously." Like, do you not have respect for yourself? Who the fuck wants to live in a place like that?

What about people that come out to the bar, and pay with nickles and dimes. Or, give me two dimes and a nickle and ask for a solid quarter. Or, pay with nickles and dimes, and apologize for it. then 20 minutes later pay with a 20 dollar bill. I gotta tell people ahead of time "we don't take any kind of change except quarters" cause these bitches are tryin to pay outta their fuckin piggy banks. If you ain't got money, don't go out. It's simple. The bar is not the fucking bank. lol.

I guess that's all for now. On a completely unrelated note... I wasn't sure how I was going to feel exactly once our newly elected president took office. I don't at all consider myself political. However after listening to him speak, (and getting teary eyed) I find myself suddenly interested. Suddenly excited. I don't know if Barrack Obama will be a successful president. I know he's oft compared to John F. Kennedy. I don't know what great, or lackluster things he will accomplish. But, I do know that he holds a special ability to speak directly to the hearts of people. I've experienced a sense of excitement when he talks. He offers me inspiration. And, that is something to be spoken for. I don't know anything about his policies, or what he promises to do, or whether he can achieve anything more than idle promises... But I do know that he has the ability to inspire a generation. He has the power to invoke change, and offer hope. And, that goes alot further than one might choose to believe. A few months ago, I didn't really care who became president. I can honestly say that I'm very glad that this person was elected. I think there's a very strong possibility that he will go down as one of the best political faces to ever helm the United States of America. (and..if I'm wrong...who the fuck cares..I said I know nothing about politics.) lol.

As long as he gets the DVR thing fixed. I'm good.

It's anything but simple..

I try to think back to a time when my views on love were simple.
I try to remember how it felt to trust someone whole-heartedly.
I devote my minds wanderings to thinking of a way to take it all back to the beginning.
Maybe before I knew what it was. Maybe before I'd ever felt it.
Just so that I could know what it felt like to experience again.
Not that I haven't, or won't again. But, I think everytime you fall in love, it becomes harder to genuinely do it again.
Because every mistake or regret from the time (or times) before, loingers over you.
You focus your energy on trying to make it better. Easier.
And, what you end up doing is trying to take a cookie cutter and forming your own ideal version of the most raw and uncontrollable emotion.
I think that's why they say the first love is the one you will always remember the most.
It's the only one that, is really completely natural.
You don't know what you're doing. What's ahead. It's an amazingly, frightening experience.

Over time, and experiences, I've lost my simplistic views.
While I still hold onto my ideas that love is something that you fight for, that you want and need, it's also true that I don't find it as inviting as before.
I dunno when exactly this change incorporated itself into my livelihood, but I find it there and long for the time when it wasn't.

While I struggled with letting go of love, and loving myself and all those other debacles over the last few months, some of my closest friends found themselves falling in love.

I don't know if it was because I was jealous of them having that feeling and me not, or if I was upset cuz I felt it meant it would be a "the cheese stands alone" kinda thing. For whatever reason I found myself looking for reasons to be irritated with my friends. Maybe just so that my subconscious would feel better if I got mad at them, and stopped talking to them, before they just got too busy for me.

I've never been in a situation where love blossoms around me, and I'm the guy on the other end of it. Scowling at small gestures of affection. Curling my lip at every held hand.
I'll admit that I felt alienated. Uncomfortable. Threatened.
And, I wish I wasn't that guy.
Unfortunately, I can be pretty selfish. Fairly self involved. Extremely over emotional.

In recent days, some of these relationships have ended.
I'm going through so many different feelings. Relief. Sadness.
Excitement that things can go back to what they were.
Acknowledgement. Realizing that things can't go back to how they were.
I want friends who are genuinely happy for me, and I want to be that same friend.
Not a skeptic.

Love has been so, bittersweet for me.
Before it was something I actually went looking for. Forcefully. (not..THAT forcefully.)
Now I find myself more afraid of it.

Coming to terms with this, makes me feel bad for myself.
Add it together with all the things that have been bothering me lately about myself...And I'm wondering who the hell I am?

I seem to have, become everything I set out to never become.
It's kinda weird for me.

I take such an aggressive stance on everything. I wish I could be someone who is more interested in finding amazing things, rather than hiding away from the not so amazing ones.

I guess I'm a classic "the glass is half empty" kinda guy.
I'm just trying to become something different.
And I seem to be out of anything that I can pour into the glass to make it full again.

All in all, I wish that people didn't get hurt.
I wish that the people in my life never experienced heartbreak. I wish that I'd never experienced it either.
It's amazing how the greatest feeling in the world, is also the worst feeling in the world. And, its shocking how quickly it can go from one to the other.

I guess I just advise people this.
Welcome every opportunity. It's better to lose what you've had, than to never have anything.

Above Suspiscion?

I don't know how many of the people that read this have ever experienced one of those moments where something seemingly small, and almost unimportant..changes your life.

Whether it be an alteration of how you act, or how you think. How you feel, or how you feel you should feel.
These miniscule (sp?) events occur all the time. Usually without notice. People are often so consumed with everything they've got to do, (or everything they aren't doing) that they fail to notice these things.
I think it's these things that actually change people the most.
It sets you on a different mindset. A different wavelength. A brand new path of thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Sometimes it amazes me how quickly one small action, (or lack of action) or comment can alter your entire life.

I've actually gone through that on a few different levels.

Feeling that someone likes you. Realizing that people aren't your friends. Being told lies. Needing to accept that not everyone can be how you are.
Sometimes I jump to the notion that people are wrong, because they act in ways I can't relate to. They do something that makes them appear weak (in my eyes), and instead of rationalizing their reasons, I find fault in their decisions.
It's almost as if a light has been shun upon me, and I suddenly see how people must think about me.

I've recently acknowledged the fact that I'm in a really...interesting situation. In almost all facets of my life.

I find myself often trying to give advice to people whom I feel I've experienced more than. Sometimes I like to assume that because I've gone through certain things, it makes me an expert, or someone with a wise opinion, or...something.
But the further I trek along trying to help people, I find that ultimately instead of helping them, I only alienate myself from them further.
Placing another wedge in between the wedges of wedges already wedged in between us.

Truth be told, I'm no expert. I have a fairly decent head on my shoulder when it comes to listening to peoples' problems and offering advice or a mature solution. But, without the ability to do that for myself, or take those tools and apply them towards my life...I'm not sure that I'm really in any different situation than anyone else.

There's a fine line in offering your assistance, and becoming too involved.

I'm experiencing on many different levels just how much people change.
You fall in love, you change. You fall out of love, you change.
You get hurt, you change. You get adorned with appreciation, you change.

Sometimes, it's hard to accept the changes that birth themselves within the people you care about. Sometimes it's easy, but...in my experience it's been more of a struggle.
I get disappointed so easily.
Sometimes I wonder that if certain people knew everything about me...would they feel they way I do about others?
I'm one of those fucked up people that can clearly see the possibilities and potential that other people possess. but when it comes to my own capabilities I'm deaf and dumb. Blind and bewildered.

I'm at a place where I'm on the verge of losing several close friends. Some are too far gone to pull back, some are on the edge. And, some aren't there yet but rapidly approaching.
I try to imagine a life where I don't have these people. One where I don't need them.

I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not sure which life I'd rather possess.
It seems, that when it comes to friendship.. I seem to have more to offer, than to gain.

I get a little worn out with it all.

I guess I'm just realizing that some people are more important to me, than I am to them.
And, that creates the desire inside of me to tell them that, I don't want them to be a part of my life if they can't treat me respectfully.

I feel taken advantage of from several different directions. Peoples' motives become my greatest suspiscion.
I dunno.

I'm just annoyed by people lately.
I feel underappreciated from so many different angles that I find myself looking at everyone and questioning everything.
Thus far, the answers are less than satisfying. I can say that.
For sure.