Grievances

After refusing to repost a bulletin I read earlier, I'm spending the next few minutes planning ways to improve my luck, which is apparently going to be shitty for the next 15 years. It makes you wonder what life was like before all these ridiculous forwards were introduced to ruin the luck of the human race for the next decade plus.
It's absurd! I know I stepped on a few cracks, and my mothers back never broke. I've broken mirrors, opened umbrellas indoors, but....not even these things put a bad joo-joo on you for FIFTEEN years.

Hell, gum only stays in your system for 7. (lol)

It's like when you get one of those wank-ass text messages telling you how great of a person you are, and how thankful so-and-so is to have you in their life. But, you secretly know that they just forwarded it to like 3534151 people, twelve of which were all in the room with you when you got it (and so did they cuz you all collectively said "ugh..i hate forwards) leading you to think "god...how special can I be, I just heard *insert name* get the same text, and I know he hates that bitch".
People. Listen. Your luck isn't gonna change if you don't pass that shit on. It might even improve. I mean, at least I won't hate you more. Your family members aren't gonna die cuz you didn't post it. And, contrary to what it says...you probably will have sex again at some point. Unless you look like Jon Lovitz. (or...infact ARE Jon Lovitz. I don't care what kinda residuals "A League of their Own" gives him...there can't be many people fucking him willingly)

I don't need any text message with an embedded picture of a heart and some roses with it, to confirm my friendships.
If you find yourself sitting there thinking "hmm...I wonder if Nicklous knows how much I love him"...A simple "Hey Nick...Just wanted to text you and let you know that I fucking love you" will suffice. I'll prolly text back with "awe...I fucking love you too". Unless I don't, which...I might be wondering why you're texting me that you love me, if I don't love you back in the first place. But, even still I'd prolly text you back with an "awe..me too! so whats up" (avoiding saying I love you, if you don't infact love someone, is perfectly acceptable. Trust me, I do it all the time at work) lol

Another grievance I have is people that act like assholes, then act like they know they were an asshole. I like my assholes to be dirty, shady assholes. I want you to pretend you never did anything.
So, Craig. It's safe to order from me at the bar. You don't have to lurk around B and pretend you aren't thirsty. We both know you're a raging alcoholic. Let's not pretend you came there, seen me and suddenly want to pass it off as not bein in the mood to drink. I make drinks for alot of people I don't like. Just as I'm sure everyone you make a pizza for isn't on your Christmas card list. So, Fear not. As much as I'd like to spit in your drink (or...you know..worse) I'm not like that. (I actually wouldn't come to you for a drink either...but...you know..this is about me. Not you. Douchebag)

While we're on grievances...I've got a few more. People that claim to be your "best friend" or "one of your best friends" yet...lie to you over the dumbest shit. I don't need to know everything you do, but if you are gonna tell me what you did...TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, not some fabricated version of what you did. Once it's a lie..it's not what you did....It becomes what you DIDNT do.

I'm also not fond of people who start talking to someone, fall head over heels, then gets fucked over, then forgives, then gets fucked over again, then forgives, then lied to and fucked over 37 times in a row, then...comes bitching and moaning to their friend (who is ALWAYS there for them) then...because they fall for the same old routine, and said friend wants nothing to do with the lying sonodacunt.....basically treats the friend like they've done something wrong, and makes them feel like a complete outsider.

I don't like people that don't return phone calls.
I don't like people that pretend other peoples' feelings aren't important. I mean, I'm a dickhead...and I'm still aware that other people matter. It's not always just about me.

I'm also very upset with MTV. Myself being an avid fan of DVR, I record almost everything that I view on television. I couldn't even tell you the last thing I watched live. (it was LOST last night..I couldn't wait) I don't know what's wrong with MTV, maybe it's that fuckin MTV News bullshit they do, that throws off all the programming by 3 minutes, or what...but I'm sick and fucking tired of missing the end of the fucking Real World:Brooklyn. You'd think some genuis would figure out a way to make DVR record the whole god damned program, not just the time the program is scheduled for. It's more than just MTV, too.

The Academy Awards. Every year, they go way over. The year Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress,...They announce her name. She walks up. Starts crying. And....says... Nothing. Show over. All I get is "delete program" or "do not delete program". I still dunno what she said.

The year Carrie Underwood won American Idol. There she is. (Ryan Seacrest) And, theres Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Holding hands. And the winner is... "delete program" "do not delete program". I had to look it up online, after my roomate and I stood there...jaws dropped momentarily cause we couldn't believe we waited all season for that moment..and then...didn't get it.

And, I won't even mention the fact that CBS' schedule on Sundays is ALWAYS fucked up during football season. Every sunday, I get half of 60 minutes, and the first half of the Amazing Race. And, lets face it...the second half is WAY better than the first half.

Another debacle I'm having is idiots in my apartment building. Every weekend some random asshole has dumped beer all over in one of the elevators, or left trash all over one of the elevators. Cat Litter, all over one of the elevators. Food, all over the elevators. Silly string, all over the elevators. I wanna write a note like "hey...assholes. Im not sure how you prefer the place YOU fucking live in, to look...but I prefer it to not look like I'm twelve years old and sleep in a fucking twin size bed shaped like a racecar. So, if you could please try not to throw your shit allllll over the place, and keep it confined to your own apartment, that'd be great. I kinda like not having cockroaches. But, I can't speak for everyone here. Obviously." Like, do you not have respect for yourself? Who the fuck wants to live in a place like that?

What about people that come out to the bar, and pay with nickles and dimes. Or, give me two dimes and a nickle and ask for a solid quarter. Or, pay with nickles and dimes, and apologize for it. then 20 minutes later pay with a 20 dollar bill. I gotta tell people ahead of time "we don't take any kind of change except quarters" cause these bitches are tryin to pay outta their fuckin piggy banks. If you ain't got money, don't go out. It's simple. The bar is not the fucking bank. lol.

I guess that's all for now. On a completely unrelated note... I wasn't sure how I was going to feel exactly once our newly elected president took office. I don't at all consider myself political. However after listening to him speak, (and getting teary eyed) I find myself suddenly interested. Suddenly excited. I don't know if Barrack Obama will be a successful president. I know he's oft compared to John F. Kennedy. I don't know what great, or lackluster things he will accomplish. But, I do know that he holds a special ability to speak directly to the hearts of people. I've experienced a sense of excitement when he talks. He offers me inspiration. And, that is something to be spoken for. I don't know anything about his policies, or what he promises to do, or whether he can achieve anything more than idle promises... But I do know that he has the ability to inspire a generation. He has the power to invoke change, and offer hope. And, that goes alot further than one might choose to believe. A few months ago, I didn't really care who became president. I can honestly say that I'm very glad that this person was elected. I think there's a very strong possibility that he will go down as one of the best political faces to ever helm the United States of America. (and..if I'm wrong...who the fuck cares..I said I know nothing about politics.) lol.

As long as he gets the DVR thing fixed. I'm good.

It's anything but simple..

I try to think back to a time when my views on love were simple.
I try to remember how it felt to trust someone whole-heartedly.
I devote my minds wanderings to thinking of a way to take it all back to the beginning.
Maybe before I knew what it was. Maybe before I'd ever felt it.
Just so that I could know what it felt like to experience again.
Not that I haven't, or won't again. But, I think everytime you fall in love, it becomes harder to genuinely do it again.
Because every mistake or regret from the time (or times) before, loingers over you.
You focus your energy on trying to make it better. Easier.
And, what you end up doing is trying to take a cookie cutter and forming your own ideal version of the most raw and uncontrollable emotion.
I think that's why they say the first love is the one you will always remember the most.
It's the only one that, is really completely natural.
You don't know what you're doing. What's ahead. It's an amazingly, frightening experience.

Over time, and experiences, I've lost my simplistic views.
While I still hold onto my ideas that love is something that you fight for, that you want and need, it's also true that I don't find it as inviting as before.
I dunno when exactly this change incorporated itself into my livelihood, but I find it there and long for the time when it wasn't.

While I struggled with letting go of love, and loving myself and all those other debacles over the last few months, some of my closest friends found themselves falling in love.

I don't know if it was because I was jealous of them having that feeling and me not, or if I was upset cuz I felt it meant it would be a "the cheese stands alone" kinda thing. For whatever reason I found myself looking for reasons to be irritated with my friends. Maybe just so that my subconscious would feel better if I got mad at them, and stopped talking to them, before they just got too busy for me.

I've never been in a situation where love blossoms around me, and I'm the guy on the other end of it. Scowling at small gestures of affection. Curling my lip at every held hand.
I'll admit that I felt alienated. Uncomfortable. Threatened.
And, I wish I wasn't that guy.
Unfortunately, I can be pretty selfish. Fairly self involved. Extremely over emotional.

In recent days, some of these relationships have ended.
I'm going through so many different feelings. Relief. Sadness.
Excitement that things can go back to what they were.
Acknowledgement. Realizing that things can't go back to how they were.
I want friends who are genuinely happy for me, and I want to be that same friend.
Not a skeptic.

Love has been so, bittersweet for me.
Before it was something I actually went looking for. Forcefully. (not..THAT forcefully.)
Now I find myself more afraid of it.

Coming to terms with this, makes me feel bad for myself.
Add it together with all the things that have been bothering me lately about myself...And I'm wondering who the hell I am?

I seem to have, become everything I set out to never become.
It's kinda weird for me.

I take such an aggressive stance on everything. I wish I could be someone who is more interested in finding amazing things, rather than hiding away from the not so amazing ones.

I guess I'm a classic "the glass is half empty" kinda guy.
I'm just trying to become something different.
And I seem to be out of anything that I can pour into the glass to make it full again.

All in all, I wish that people didn't get hurt.
I wish that the people in my life never experienced heartbreak. I wish that I'd never experienced it either.
It's amazing how the greatest feeling in the world, is also the worst feeling in the world. And, its shocking how quickly it can go from one to the other.

I guess I just advise people this.
Welcome every opportunity. It's better to lose what you've had, than to never have anything.

Above Suspiscion?

I don't know how many of the people that read this have ever experienced one of those moments where something seemingly small, and almost unimportant..changes your life.

Whether it be an alteration of how you act, or how you think. How you feel, or how you feel you should feel.
These miniscule (sp?) events occur all the time. Usually without notice. People are often so consumed with everything they've got to do, (or everything they aren't doing) that they fail to notice these things.
I think it's these things that actually change people the most.
It sets you on a different mindset. A different wavelength. A brand new path of thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Sometimes it amazes me how quickly one small action, (or lack of action) or comment can alter your entire life.

I've actually gone through that on a few different levels.

Feeling that someone likes you. Realizing that people aren't your friends. Being told lies. Needing to accept that not everyone can be how you are.
Sometimes I jump to the notion that people are wrong, because they act in ways I can't relate to. They do something that makes them appear weak (in my eyes), and instead of rationalizing their reasons, I find fault in their decisions.
It's almost as if a light has been shun upon me, and I suddenly see how people must think about me.

I've recently acknowledged the fact that I'm in a really...interesting situation. In almost all facets of my life.

I find myself often trying to give advice to people whom I feel I've experienced more than. Sometimes I like to assume that because I've gone through certain things, it makes me an expert, or someone with a wise opinion, or...something.
But the further I trek along trying to help people, I find that ultimately instead of helping them, I only alienate myself from them further.
Placing another wedge in between the wedges of wedges already wedged in between us.

Truth be told, I'm no expert. I have a fairly decent head on my shoulder when it comes to listening to peoples' problems and offering advice or a mature solution. But, without the ability to do that for myself, or take those tools and apply them towards my life...I'm not sure that I'm really in any different situation than anyone else.

There's a fine line in offering your assistance, and becoming too involved.

I'm experiencing on many different levels just how much people change.
You fall in love, you change. You fall out of love, you change.
You get hurt, you change. You get adorned with appreciation, you change.

Sometimes, it's hard to accept the changes that birth themselves within the people you care about. Sometimes it's easy, but...in my experience it's been more of a struggle.
I get disappointed so easily.
Sometimes I wonder that if certain people knew everything about me...would they feel they way I do about others?
I'm one of those fucked up people that can clearly see the possibilities and potential that other people possess. but when it comes to my own capabilities I'm deaf and dumb. Blind and bewildered.

I'm at a place where I'm on the verge of losing several close friends. Some are too far gone to pull back, some are on the edge. And, some aren't there yet but rapidly approaching.
I try to imagine a life where I don't have these people. One where I don't need them.

I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not sure which life I'd rather possess.
It seems, that when it comes to friendship.. I seem to have more to offer, than to gain.

I get a little worn out with it all.

I guess I'm just realizing that some people are more important to me, than I am to them.
And, that creates the desire inside of me to tell them that, I don't want them to be a part of my life if they can't treat me respectfully.

I feel taken advantage of from several different directions. Peoples' motives become my greatest suspiscion.
I dunno.

I'm just annoyed by people lately.
I feel underappreciated from so many different angles that I find myself looking at everyone and questioning everything.
Thus far, the answers are less than satisfying. I can say that.
For sure.

New Year Updates

Before I write my next blog, I'd like to address an issue I have.
The guy whom I wrote about in my last blog, referred to reading my blog and my "emotional cutting". This person knows nothing about me, excpet what little he's picked up from heresay, and from reading my blog.
So, if what you've read leads you to believe that I'm a mess, and I throw a pity party and as you so delicately put it "you're so sick of it" that you're ready to hand me a knife....Here's a valid thought...

STOP READING MY BLOG.
I'm certainly not out spamming people, tricking them into coming here and reading what I have to say. Therefore, you make your own decision to come and read it. So, if you are truly tired of it, then you wouldn't continue. But, truth me told, I think that sad, lonely, bitter, angry, "noone loves me" part of you, doesn't allow you to stop reading my blog. Because if....we were being totally honest I think you relate to the things I write more than you care to admit.
The difference between the two of us, is that I'm not afraid my feelings. I have no problems letting people read them, because they make up who I am. This, might make me come across as an "emotional cutter", but it also makes me real. It makes me human. It makes me someone who doesn't hide who he is.
And, it makes me unlike you, you sits and pretends to be happy, when everyone knows you're not.

I don't mind having drama with you, but lets keep the drama on the table and open. Lets not keep it on the downlow. If yer gonna be a douchebag to someone for no reason, make sure you do it openly, and not like a coward who can't stand up for the things that he says.

Again, if you don't wanna listen to what I have to say, click the x, bitch. I'd rather you didn't read anyway.
------------------------

Things have gotten extremely crazy for me lately.
I suddenly find myself working like crazy. The manager quit/got fired/whatever happened, happened. And, I've somehow been anointed with his shifts. This pleases me, because it's good money. However, it creates alot of chaos between co-workers who....may, or are jealous or angry because they feel they might be more deserving.
It also causes personal grief, because the manager is/was/is my friend...and I feel bad. However, someone's gotta do it, and..I'm fine with making money for a change.
There's talk of me being the manager, which is false. I'd welcome some more responsibility, but I don't know that I could be in charge of these people. Mostly because they're my friends. I care about them, and if I were to find myself in a position of power, I'd be forced to make decisions that would probably ruin some of those friendships.

It's a confusing place. When does your own personal survival and success, start or stop becoming more important than bonds you've made with people in your life. It seems it should be pretty cut and dry, however...it's not.

I had a discussion with a friend about perception. I feel really negatively about how most of my coworkers perceive me. I think most of them think that because I'm younger, and less mature, and at eyes' glance a bubbly, goofy, and spastic kinda guy, that this somehow makes me less capable of things. As if it somehow places me on a lower level than them.
This bothers me, and admittedly could be an overreaction. An unvalid assumption. But, it's just the feeling I get.
There's this giant part of me, that just wants to prove them wrong.
Maybe I have alot of people I wanna prove wrong. Maybe I'd like to prove myself wrong.
At the same time, maybe I'd like to validate some of my more...overconfident feelings as well.

It's an interesting place,regardless.
-----
I'm addicted to Guitar Hero. I'm horrible on the drums, horrible on the guitar, and horrible at the singing portion. But, I'm trying my best to be a rock star.
Singing is definitely my strongest suit of the three.
My roomate, his boyfriend and I have created our own band called "The Choochawuwus".
We're the shit. lol
------

My personal life, is in complete shambles.

I recieved a comment on one of my past blogs that I'd written about the last ex boyfriend. I don't know who left it, and I've spent alot of time trying to figure out who it could be. Truth is, I have no idea. There's that part of me that hopes or wishes it was him. Then there's that part of me that wants to smack the shit out myself for even letting myself think that.
I read it, and it made me cry. And, then I cried because I was crying over it.
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss him....Even if just his friendship.

With that, I've been talking to someone. He's really nice, and our sarcastic personalities align. However some circumstances stand in the way that would certainly make things difficult.
And, he's also quite young, which kinda goes against my rules.
There is however something that intrigues me. I guess we'll see.
Somehow it just still ends up.....all confusing.

What's the right thing to do. The ultimate question. The typical stalemate.

Truth be told, I'm not sure the lines between right and wrong are so clearly drawn anymore. I've gone through a crazy time, and I find myself a different person.
Doing things I wouldn't normally do. Associating with people I wouldn't normally associate with.
Sacrificing parts of myself for different reasons that..I wouldn't normally sacrifice.

Ive made some decisions over the last few weeks and months that I'm probably not fully proud of. I could justify the reasons or try to explain my thought process, but...there's really no need.

I'm torn between feeling sort of ashamed of myself, and feeling sort of released from some of the limitations and restrictions I've acquired over the years.

I truly am a person I don't know anymore. And, its both frightening, and exhilarating at the same time.

I've had so much on my mind, so much stress. It's been amazing to just give that up for awhile and try to just....live.
Though, the thinker, the dreamer, the hoper, and ...all of the other amazing parts of me that make up my better parts....tell me that I'm a giant fool.
I can't help but feel kinda disappointed in myself.
One of those "what have I become" kinda things.
It's up and down. Ying and Yang. Good and Bad.
I sudddenly dont measure some of these things in the same way. So, everythings' all backwards.

I just...dunno anything anymore.
------

I'm both the happiest, and the saddest I've ever been in my life. It's a difficult place to be in, let alone try to describe.
I guess I gotta take things one day at a time. Or. something.
----

I've gotten to see my sisters more recently. They've come out a few times lately,and for the first time in 9 years I got to see my youngest sister Angel.
It's strange for me, seeing them. I'm not used to the feeling. It's one I welcome, and I'm thankful for, it's just...new.
The very protective-older brother thing pops up and I'm like..."wtf...when did I become so.....concerned for other people".
Truth be told, I barely know them. But, Ive never really felt this completely natural and raw emotion of love before. It's one of those "id do anything for you" kind of feelings.
I realize what a huge loss we've all experienced by not seeing each other and having more of a relationshop before. And, it makes me really happy that...that is changing.
They're so....grown up. And, fun, and intelligent. Talented, each in their own way. And, beautiful. It's like...mind blowing sometimes that those little girls I hadn't seen in so long, are now these adults.
And, that long-lingering question of "do they care about me" or "do they miss me, or love me" has been answered.
It's a huge weight kinda lifted offa me.
And, it ignites excitement inside of me to get to know them. To hang out with them.
I dunno. It just...makes me feel good.
And, I know that they feel the same way. It's... cool.
------

I'm actually making alot of progress within myself. I'm still a mess.... but, I continue to grow. I won't say I' anything amazing now, but..I'll get there at my own pace.

I decided against resolutions for the new year. Truth is, I've never had a resolution. I don't need the start of a new year to ignite spark in me to change something. I should have that spark no matter the time of year. And, if I don't....that's why it won't ever change.

I did however set one goal.
By years' end, I want to have written my first novella.
I'm not going to put some expectation into actually having anything published. But, I'd like to have that accomplishment made.
I need to make that a reality.
My dreams are never going to come true if I don't try to make them.
And, neither will yours.
So, I encourage everyone to do something that will put them a step closer towards those dreams.

I look forward to this year. I think it's going to be the most influencial one in my life, in a very long time.

Happy New Year everybody.
I hope everyone gets the chance to experience something amazing.

Split Personalities.

Over the last few days I've spent quite a bit of time staring at my blog, and trying to make sense out of everything thats been going on, both in my mind, and in my life.
It's been a pretty crazy time for me lately, though I've made pretty good attempts at trying to make thebest of things, and keeping myself focused on the positive things.

Sure, with everything I've been kinda down, but truth be told, even when im up, im down. I guess I'm just that kinda person. I always find faults in things. I always find the mistakes. I guess it's just easier for me to focus on the negatives than the postives.

I've struggled with finding exactly what I want to write. It being the holidays, and me finding myself in a position where everyone around me seems to have someone, I've kinda felt like the odd man out. Which, again is nothing new. Even when I'm right smack in the middle of things, all evened out and fitting in, I kinda always feel like the outsider. It's just a debacle I have with myself. Insecurites, and blah blah blah.

The holidays are usually extremely hard on me. This year, seemed alot easier because I decided to cook a christmas dinner and invite some friends over.
I've never been known as much of a cook, but I've definitely changed alot, and...after cooking a dinner for 9 people, and it going amazing..I've realized that I'm capable of surprising myself.
The food was amazing, everything was made from scratch, and I mad ethe best of a holiday that usually leaves me feeling kinda depressed.
It was the best Christmas I've had in quite a few years, and I accomplished something that while seemingly silly to most, made me feel good about myself.
I'm capable of succeeding at things, even if they are something as stupid as making Christmas dinner for your friends.

With that said, .Times are interesting. I'm dealing with a few issues related to my last break up, and both of my closest friends suddenly find themselves in relationships.
I'm not used to being the guy that's single while the closest people to me are in relationships, so it makes me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't like to feel like a third wheel. I don't like to feel like I'm making them alter their plans so they can include me.
I don't like being a burden.
However, I do often place myself in a role that competes for that description...it's not something i enojoy, as much as it becomes a circumstance where I try too hard to not be that, that...thats exactly what I become.
I'm chugging along, and trying my best to adapt to what happens around me. New territory is new territory, and..it's difficult sometimes to make those adaptations. ..All in all, I'm doing a fair job. Instead of making a big deal over something that hurts my feelings or makes me feel threatened or inadequate, I've decided to just let it go. Suck it up, move past it, and make personal adjustements to avoid the same occurance in the future.
Sometimes, I find myself laughing hysterically at the situations I find myself in, I'm convinced that noone else in the world can be even half as good as I am, and placing myself in a bad, awkward, or inappropriate situation.
As time passes I find myself more and more a stranger. I'm not sure if that's bad or good, or whether those things can even really be measured. I know that I'm nothing like I used to be. I've gone through so much, I've changed so much.
And, even if noone sees it, or noone cares. I'm a different person. And, I'm both extremely proud and extremely ashamed.
I feel like I've changed both the best, and the worst parts of me, and in turn have created new best and worst parts.
I'm both ugly and beautiful.

I have faith in myself. I'm not used to that. I, actually believe that with the proper focus I can be one of those people that succeed. I can be that guy that proves people wrong. I am that guy that proves himself wrong.
And, with that confidence also comes doubt.

I struggled to write a blog for the last few days, and after reading a blog an ex wrote, I suddenly felt inspired.
He wrote about missing people from his past. Respecting people, forgiving people. Missing them.

And it kinda clicked with things I've been feeling.
The places that I've worked, the lifestlye I've led..I've met alot of amazing people. Alot of bastardfaces too. but, alot of people have left a lasting impression on me.
Alot of people have mae me into the person I am.
Maybe theres those people that think that's not a thing to be impressed with. And, to those people I'd sa that you don't really know me.
I'm grateful for so much. And, at that same time, regretful for so much.
I certainly have made alot of mistakes.

I guess with everything that I've endured, I've taken a very...overpowering stance.
Too much pride, and too many strong feelings.
For a very long time I've let kindness take a backseat, and have let arrogance, or attitude take control.
Anger, or some other emo-type emotion.
After reading the blog, which I'm sure had nothing to do with me,...I felt inspired to tell people that I've neglected how I feel.
I felt like telling the people that I love, or have loved...that they matter. Even if my love is different....they matter.
I felt like telling everyone that's ever been my friend, current or not...thank you. Thank you for being there when you were...And...thank you for not, because it has helped me too.

I felt like saying I love you, to all of those people that have given me hope. All of those people that have helped me, or needed my help.
I felt likegiving the world one giant hug, because I spend so much of my time giving the word one giant middle finger, that I forget that it's not all shit.

And, then I read some comments that people lefton the blog.
And I got angry. I immediately took offense, and got angry with someone for blatantly attacking me personally on my ex's blog. (though..im not full sure its me he was targeting....im pretty positive)
And..my initial reaction was to lash out. Leave a nasty comment. Write a blog unleashing an arsenal. And, then I realized that, that would be what's expected of me. That would be, who I've been before.
And, while parts of that guy linger....I'm not that same person. I don't need to react in those same ways.
I don't feed off the same counterattacks that I used to.

And I won't let myself get involved in a debacle with someone who is so clearly needing to feed off of the same negativities that I once did.

Now, thats not to say that I'm not angry. Because I'm enraged.
But, I don't need to salvage my self respect through anyone elses' opinions. Not anymore.

I will,however say this.
When you are in such a position, that you do not have enough balls to say how you feel about someone to their face when given the opportunity...and less than 24 hours later write hateful, spiteful things on their ex boyfriends blog about them....You should probably stop evaluating their life, and their emotional handicaps, and turn the focus onto your own life.
I could list plenty of things about this person, with the sole purpose of pissing them off in return, or tring to embarrass them, or make them feel insecure or upset that someone feels a certain way about them, but I don't have any need to do so. The fact that you've let your feelings get to the point that you had to get so nasty, and....on someone elses' blog...proves your weight in the world.
Good luck chasing your own demons.

And...I will be speaking to you in person. Because if there is anything I hate, it's a two faced, fucking bitch.
Say it to my face, or shut the fuck up. It's just the right thing to do.
I'll even hold your fucking head up off of the bar so you can speak the words.
That is, if you can get it out of B's ass.


I don't expect everyone to like me....Cause lord knows I dislike alot of people.
I do however expect people to have balls. Especially if their gonna stand on a soapbox and act like someone else is being the drama queen.

And that, is how I feel. I don't wanna be the guy I've been before.

But, the old me, the one that is trying his best to be a better person, and not be a hateful fucking cunt, has this to say....
Craig, can lick my fucking nuts. Then, hopefully die in a fiery crash.
While yer loading that gun, please...do me a personal favor (since you owe me that much for a) lying to me, b) lying about me c)lying to me about your friends then lying to your friends about lying to me and d) being a general douchewad in general,...and turn the fucking thing on yourself.


Unlike him, I have no problem mentioning his name, or saying it to his face.

That's how I roll....You can call me a bitch, but at least I'm upfront, honest, and dont hide anything I have to say.
Mother fucker.

lol.

Gnite!

Going down?

Have you ever felt completely devoured by the world?

Like everything that makes you who you are, the things you do, the things you've done, your thoughts, your decisions, ....every single thing that when placed together, is who you are.....has been chewed up and completely digested by the world around you.

I've been in this constant, yo-yo type place in my life. Up and down, up and down. It's gone back and forth so rapidly that sometimes I can't even tell if I'm up or I'm down.
It's sort of like when you're riding on this long ass escalator. That awkward feeling you get when you take your first step off. Your footing is all mixed up for just a brief second and everything almost feels unfamiliar.Then, things resume to the same old routine.
That brief second, is what my life feels like most of the time.
Infact, comparing my life to an escalator is really quite fitting. I sit through a long, uneventful ride awaiting my arrival at whatever particular place, idea, or feeling I'm trying to get to.
Not really in control, just floating along waiting to get there. Then the minute that it's up to me to move forward from there....I think I panic, and immediately head for the escalator back down.

I've found that my life isn't all bad. I have alot of fun. I've found that the only time this fun really comes is when I'm not at home. When I'm not thinking. And with that usually comes being out and drinking. I'm probably reaching a point in my life where I've never drank so much.
It brings you instant gratification, and a momentary lapse when it comes to your feelings. I haven't really devoted the proper amount of time towards ironing out my feelings, so....anything that really gives me the opportunity to avoid them, is something I search out.
Unfortunately the downside to that, is while drinking can help you feel alot better, it also helps you feel alot worse. Thus, the yo-yo effect.
Maybe it's less of a yo-yo and more of a ping pong table. Constantly getting smacked back and forth. Side to side. Happy to sad. Blah to blah.

Aside from all that, I've been having all these questions about the people around me. A few people have left me feeling really taken advantage of. Sometimes people get so used to certain things that they forget that these things are actually not requirements. they forget to say thank you, or they forget to appreciate the things you do, the steps you make, the risks you take.
I've found thatI have very few friendships where there's an equal amount of give and take.
That is an important quality in a friendship. And, its making me step back and really evaluate people.

Financially, I'm in a tight spot. Im broke. Everything I earn goes out the door as fast, if not faster than I get it. I find myself sliding further and further downward, and it too starts to make an impact on how you feel.
I think mostly that my plate just seems so full. My shoulders so heavy. Very little to build me up, and far too much dragging me down.
I'm worrying about so many different things that I'm always completely stressed out. So much so that it's hard to find the time to enjoy things.
Making matters worse is that it seems like things keep getting better for all the people around me, and the changes I find, aren't for the better.
I can't agree more with the phrase "misery loves company".

Its an interesting time for me, because my courses of realization, and action are so far apart. I've been so unable to pull myself out of this mess for so long...yet I've known I need to for even longer.

I wish I had more answers and less questions. I think that somewhere underneath everything I actually do have them, I just havent found the right ways to incorporate them. Maybe I haven't hit that life altering moment that becomes my make or break moment. Though, while timidly awaiting it, I can't help but wonder which one will overtake me.
I'm not sure I believe in the "make" as much as I believe in the "break" portions of my capabilities.
And, I think given my history, thats understandable.
I think I have an unbelievable amount of potential, and an unbelievable knack for squandering that potential. So, I'm either going to end up one hell of a success story, or one hell of a major disappointment.
I kinda feel I've done my share of the latter, so the task is in figuring out how to change ...everything.
It's....difficult for me. I'm a mess. (lol)

Anywhoo..I don't really know that this blog is particularly substantial...it's kinda the same old thing. The broken record.
But, it's what I got for the day...so it's what you get.

Hopefully...I can figure everything out. I'm crossin my fingers at least.

It's Hard saying Goodbye.

First I'll warn you, this is about my personal life. So, if that bores you (it will) don't bother going any further. If it at all refers to you, directly or indirectly, know that I'm not talking bad about anyone, just blogging about how I feel, and..you happen to be in relation to those feelings either now, or in the past.



It's concerning how often in life we walk into a situation with blind eyes. Either we place our hopes so high that we ignore the warning signs telling us to back away and run for dear life, or things start so amazingly that your guard is lowered and when you least expect it something happens that completely throws everything off course and it's never the same.
It's also strange how often things that you devote so much energy towards repairing...never work. It's almost as if, once you reach a point where theres something that needs fixed, you might as well give up.

Personally, I'm one of those really weird people when it comes to relationships. I don't believe in cheating or sleeping around. I've never reeeeally done it, and I probably never will. I'm very old fashioned, however I except that some things aren't perfect, so I'm able to actually put up with alot that most people might not. Maybe it's just because my relationship history required me to do so, so it's what I've grown used to. Which, actually makes perfect sense when it comes to trying to understand the demise of the last one.
This particular person was, by all accounts...perfect for me. And, when you find someone that fits everything you've ever wanted, you find ways of messing it up without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, that it was the first relationship that I've ever been in that, ended with no reason. No closure. Just one day it was like poof.
It was a difficult time, and per usual, I tried to hang onto something that I shouldn't have. However, this time the circumstances werent the other person saying "hey...yeah. i dont want you anymore".

For the last few months I've been struggling to get past the whole debacle. Truth be told, I've had a really crazy year. At the beginning, I was in a relationship with someone that mattered alot to me, but yet...was never going to work. I think we both realized it, but held onto it for our own selfish, or selfless reasons. When that ended, I initially got wrapped up in being with someone else just for companionship sake. What developed underneath my nose, was something I never expected. Something I never wanted, and...admittedly, something I didn't fully appreciate until I was without it.

Over the months that this person spent trying to get his life together...we basically drifted too far apart.
And circumstances changed into situations that were too hard to just sit by and watch without voicing some concern.
I dunno if you've ever been on the recieving end of a voice of concern from me, but when it comes to my feelings; what i feel, when i feel them, who i feel them for....it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
Unfortunately for how I felt, ..in this time an ex arose in the other persons life, and...well. who really knows.

The last week or so, has been kind of hard for me. I mean, the whole time has been hard, but I guess there was that part of me that thought...wow..I've never met someone that cared so much, or I've never met someone that...matched up with me so well....and that part of me believed that things would work out. That things would repair themselves.

Eventually, you have no option but to lose hope. Because theres a fine line between being hopeful, and being hopeless. The very things that can build you up, can tear you down. And, when the things you wait for become less of things that help you, and more of things that hurt you....you find yourself in a very scary place.

As usual, At the conclusion of a relationship, I can say I fought for what I wanted. This time it was different though. In the past I could list my failures. The ways in which I disappointed my other half. The things that led to our demise. However, I can honestly walk away from this one, knowing that I did nothing wrong. I made no mistake. And, for the first time I can look at a failed relationship and know that I won't have any regrets that I blame myself for.

That, of course doesn't help the hurting process. Once I care for someone, I care very strongly. I care with passion. My emotions are really the only thing I'm in touch with. And, of the things I have to offer a person, the only thing that is really genuine, or powerful, or important, or of any value is those feelings.
I mentioned before that I'm 26 and I've used the L-word three times. This person was one of the three...which makes it important.

You take different lessons with you each time you end a relationship. Whether you are the one who ends it, or whether you are the one who is ended upon. Your heart breaks in a different way, but it breaks nonetheless. You lose a bit of yourself, that part that shares your world with someone else. That part that allows another person to know you,to really know you.

Hurt comes in so many ways, its almost humorous. You can spend so much time trying to calculate the ways in which it can come that you take every precaution you can think of, yet still it finds a way in.

Tonight marked the third time I've had to really say goodbye to a person. It is....not fun. It doesn't bring me any joy to add another thing to my list of screw ups. Another name, another face. Another piece.
I'd like to say it gets easier.
If someone who'd never loved before was to ask me, I wish I could look them in the eye, and say "It does get easier".
But, I don't believe that. Each time you love and lose that love, you gain a bit of insight about the world. You trek on until the next time, carrying with you a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more maturity about it all....But when it ends, you still feel the same.

I tend to be the guy that beats himself up. I typically find everything I can think of thats wrong with me (and theres alot) and I feed off of these things. I get sad, and angry, and...probably drunk, and then I cry.
And, I repeat the process until my body simply can't produce any more tears. And then I let it all build back up, and start over once I'm restocked.

This time is different. Sure, I've cried. Alot. Too much.

I can't compare it to past relationships, because it's nothing like them. I've taken something away from this failure that I can't quite describe.
Maybe it's different because there wasn't really closure. There probably never will be.

I don't think I'll ever be okay with how this happened. I don't think I'll ever understand this one.

It's the first person that I've dated that simply....doesn't want to talk to me.
Sure, I don't talk to all of my exes, but...there are other circumstances involved.
This is more of a mystery.
and, I think that's the hardest part of it all.
Not knowing.

I've had some hard moments when it comes to relationships. I've had people tell me really mean things, Ive had people completely break my heart. I've had people be kind about it, and I've had people whose hearts I've broken.
But I've never had anyone just....disappear. I've never had anyone just.....ignore me.
lol.
It's funny...but it's not.
It'll always be a person that I loved. It'll always be a person I care about.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like a person that is even interested in being my friend.
Which, makes you dig down into yourself and question why that is.
Given that I've been having sucha hard time with myself lately, I'm extremely low. But, I'm trying to refrain from getting toohard on myself, because I know first hand how hard it is to recooperate from that.
I guess I can say this.
Love is definitely the best, and the worst thing in the world.
It brings you the most happiness, and the most heartache, even when you have nothing else, or everything else.
It is the single most powerful emotion in the world. And, I have loved three pretty amzing people.
And, despite my differences with any of them...Whoever has them, or gets them is pretty lucky.

It does make you wonder if they feel the same way though, doesnt it? lol.

Alot of time has passed between two of those relationships. and, I can say that...I would never want to go back, and do things differently. I'd never want to explore that again and see what could happen.
And, I think this last one will be the first time that I can say I would.
Its difficult to say that, without feeling guilty, and stupid.
Does it mean you think less of any other relationship? certainly not. It's just that those mistakes were evident. Those reasons for failure were undeniable. Those endings were inevitable.

And, then...you feel stupid cause....how I feel, and how he feels are probably worlds apart.

I think my biggest concern is that I'll always wonder.
I'll never know.

As it all finally sunk in tonight....I kinda lost it. It was one of those moments you're glad noone gets to see. Kinda like what I look like as I write this, only less hysterical cause it's hard to type and be a mess at the same time.
But, I've got no choice but to find some hope. somewhere.
I've been in a really bad placefor a very long time. With knowing that, comes knowing that there isn't much lower I can go.

And with that comes a bit of refreshment. ..I guess life might suck now, but...it's gotta get better at some point.
And if not, at least you'll still have my blog to read to feed that hunger inside of you to read about someone who is miserable.
lol.

Or..something.