Unravel

I stand on insufficient grounds.
Locking and loading the rounds.
My pen is the barrel of a gun.
No matter which side I'm on, I'm out of places to run.
Time's up for fairy tales.
My arms are raised and ready for nails.
I'm in a million pieces
My mind is vacant, while I pass out the leases.
I feel immediate threat
So I stand out and prepare to sweat.
I cant stop falling. In or out.
Its not just love that this is about.
I feel I've under- shown
Been over thrown.
And it's all about to fade.
The songs that ease my mind skip.
My life feels like a fucked up acid trip.
Flip. Flip. Flip.
I play ring around the rosies with dirt
My pockets full of hurt.
And all I ever do is fall down.
I've got rubber legs of sin
A plastic heart to hold my regrets in
And all I can do is think of you.
I'm humptey dumpty without the kings men
Or David and Goliath in a Lions den.
I'm a terrorist to myself.
I'm a rich man that blows his wealth.
I curse the things I hold. The people and ideas.
I despise myself, Any idea how that feels?
My words seem to be all I have.
No way to escape myself. No hideaway to travel.
Watch as I unwind. Look at me unravel.

The Truth.

I write this in the midst of emotional turmoil.
I write this with trembling fingers, a heavy heart and a diseased mind.
I write this with oceanic eyes and burdens the weight of mankind.
I write this at a time when the only thing I know, is that I know nothing.
I write this under amazement. That one mans' guilt can lead him to the depths of respectability.
I write this feeling angry. Angry that someone at work, can be so cruel.
I write this with shame. Knowing that while I blame people for everything wrong in my life....I am the master of ceremonies.
I write this with guilt and hypocrisy. Today I became a person I'm ashamed of. While feeling alot of negative things about myself...I've always been proud of my morals and have stood beside myself as a man of honesty who would never go against the things he claims.
I write this with regrets. Something I've sworn to live without.

Life is at a catalyst for me.
Whether it be by my own doing, or by the doings of others less honorable I sit here with nothing. I stand in front of this computer with no road.
No ideas. No plans. No knowledge. No confidant. No shoulder. No ventilation.
I come here, with friends whom are foes. Foes who are hidden. Friends who are merely handshakes.
I sit here with rage. Aiming the barrel of blame at my forehead.

Shooting myself with whys, what ifs, and how could yous.
Tearing myself down with analyzations.
Destroying myself with disappointments.

I cannot find a name or description for this pain. I cannot find a weight or measurement for my disapproval.

Everything has broken me apart at once. My courage, my strength, and my dignity are desolate.
My mistakes, my disruptions, and my neurotic tendencies succeed in the war within me.

So I wander, and I wonder. And I wage war with the only people that matter.

This is the person I am.
Honestly. Truly.

I am a disaster to myself. And anyone else. I am expendable in any facet I can conjure up.

I cannot escape this nightmare. Because the nightmare is me.

Je Suis Cassée

First I want to say a big "Fuck you" to everyone who reads this, that didn't leave me a comment with what I asked in my last blog. Audience participation was required, and you bitches left me standing high and dry. So, you can all lick me where I pee, then fuck yourself.
(Janice is the exception. At least soooooomeone cared)

With that said...my life is crazy right now.

I'm gonna bite my tongue for now, but expect a work related blog sometime in the near future. Shit is hitting the fan and it's flying in several different directions. But, as I said...Tongue is bitten for now.

I've been trying to be different lately. I've been less cynical and have given my best efforts towards trying to look at things with a positive outlook as opposed to the negative expectations I usually exhale. And while I've had some moments lately that I've felt are better than usual...I've also secretly broken down and cried like a punk bitch quite a few times, for little to no reason at all.

I have this void in my life. And it all circles around goals and aspirations. Lately I've felt strongly in the idea that...it's nearing time that I stop living life as one of those people that just waits for the world to fall into my fingertips.

I turn twenty-six on May 4th. And, while birthdays have never really affected me much...this one is big for me and I'm not sure why.

I'm not old, yet..I feel old. I feel washed up. Over.
I think alot of this could have alot to do with the fact that I'm extremely unhappy with the way I look. I've always been critical of this, but lately it's been a stronger feeling of just...BLAH.

I don't feel like I'm ...really attractive at all.
I don't feel like anyone looks at me with a "he's so cute" kind of feeling.
And...that's something that I like feeling.

I don't feel.....wanted. In any form of the word.
Maybe someone reading this will think "oh geeze...what's his deal now"..And I honestly wish I knew.

I guess I just feel like I spend so much time tearing myself down, it'd be nice to be built up occasionally.
I'm not the emotional brick wall I might come across as....and I really need feel more special.

I realize that the biggest thing standing in my way is my own critique. My own self worth, etc.etc.
I dunno.
I guess I shouldn't even be writing when I feel like this. Nothing comes out but a "poor me" routine. And I don't like being that guy, regardless of how often I appear to be.

I guess I just feel worthless alot. To myself, and the people around me.
When work takes a shit on me, I feel down. Like, god...what do I have to do to prove myself to this place. I sell my soul there, and it seems that when it comes to respect and fairness...I get nothing in return. And it makes me feel sad.
I feel like noone ever takes the time to just tell me that I'm important. Or that I matter. And, if that time is taken I feel like it's only because I've cried out for it.
I don't understand what it is about myself that just...falls flat of expectations.

*shrug*

I just don't know how to win people over or something.
I feel like a constant burden to everyone.

And I wish that someday, things will change and I'll know that I matter. To know that work wants and needs me. That people want and need me.
That I'm special. Or attractive. Or beautiful in some way. Any way. At all.

Because without that...it's a very dark and lonely life.

Everyone says "you have to love yourself first".
And..I hate when I hear that.
How does one go about loving thyself, when they feel completely disposable to the world around them?

What do you believe in?

While my whirlwind week has apparently been extended into an unforseen amount of time...I'm actually in a semi-sorta inspiration-filled mood.
After watching a television show that always seems to leave me in a creative uproar...I've come here, with this.

Make a wish.
Place it in your heart.
Anything you want. Everything you want.
Do you have it??
Now...Believe it can come true.

You never know when the next miracle will happen.
The next smile. The next wish to come true.

But, If you believe it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it....You just might get the thing you're wishing for.

The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.
So...make your wish.
Do you have it?

Good. Now believe in it.
With all of your heart.

If you read this, post a comment. I want to know what YOU wish for. I want to know what you believe in.


I believe in love. And I wish for the moment that it believes in me too.

A Piece of Me.

I'm gonna start by saying that I have had a whirlwind of a week.
Relationship woes. Family emergency situations that left me on the outside staring in, fearful of what the final outcome would be. And, craziness at the work place.

As many of you have prolly read, a guy got hit by a car outside of where I work, while I was working. I seen it and there's craziness involved. I won't get into details, but it was fucked up. It has convinced me that I am some sort of horrible, gay bar omen.
Since I've worked in the bars...I have been working when all of these events have occurred:

This crazy guy ripped up the bar at Hooterville, breaking it into two pieces. A customers' hand happened to be lying right where it snapped in two....and got stuck in it, breaking his hand, and making it swell up to at least four times the normal size.

The day the building on the corner of Ontario and Monroe street fell down.
The day of the infamous bus crash into the front of Caesars.
The day the dead guy was found right around the corner from Caesars. He had been inside at Ripcord, and I served him his first drink on his last day of drinking.
And, now crazy "im gonna run you over" guy. I was one of the only witnesses.

I've stated..all I need now is a stabbing and a shooting.

Anyway...back to my melodramatics.

I was watching All My Children a little while ago, and this guy that has just came back to the show after being gone for the majority of my life...was telling a story of some girl named Jenny to a baby, through flashbacks.
Apparently the bitch died, cause there was an emotional funeral scene flashback.
This meant very little to me, until I heard him say
"Jenny told me the three things a person needs to be happy in life".

The three things were: Something to do. Someone to love. And Something to believe in.
I actually initially only caught the end, so I hit rewind, and listened to the whole shpil (thats the offcial yiddish spelling of the word...even though i think it should be "schpeel") and decided that...maybe this is why I feel so unhappy.
I do not think, that ever...in my life have I had those three things all at once. I don't know if I've ever had all three of those things seperately..let alone combined.
I know for me personally, I've always spent my greatest efforts focusing on the "love" portion.

At this time, I'm not happy. Not with much of anything. I don't have anything to do. Theres constant chaos with the person that I love, and I don't believe in much of anything. Except that, things that I believe in, often turn out to be the wrong things to believe in.
(lol)

I just need some sort of ....something. I can't put my finger on it.

So, in order to save myself, and the people I love.. I've got to make a change within myself.
You shall see these changes in the coming weeks.
One change that I must make, is to make time for friendships. I've neglected that. And, during this last week I've realized that if I neglect them.....when I need them...they won't be there.
I'm starting to take better care of myself medically...I discovered I have high blood pressure.
I'm exercising alot. Trying to get pretty.

And I'm trying my best to let go of things that are not in my control. And, that includes giving up on the whole ...trying to control things I can't.

Bueno!

Hakuna Matata.

Last weekend, P-ton and I went to see the Lion King at the Stranahan Theatre. I ordered front row tickets a few weeks prior, and the day finally came. Being someone who is obsessed with lions (I'm not sure why) I've been dying to see the show.
One particular scene, during the Hakuna Matata song intro, theres a line that says
"you gotta put your past in your behind" Which is an askewed version of what the next line is "No...you gotta put your past, behind you".

It's something thats stuck in my head ever since. And, while getting over my past is an area worthy of some addressing for some time now, something about the show, left me feeling this sort of...urgency to do so.

A week or two prior to the show, I took a step towards that, by cleaning out some stuff I've been hanging onto for too long.

Having always been one of those people that saves random stupid things, so I can look back and remember the little things that made me happy....I had alot of stupid things stored. Random letters and objects that remind me of different people and events that I experienced.

I found myself really emotional while throwing them away. Only because I realized just how much everything changes. Years ago, I thought I knew everything. I thought that the way things were, the people I surrounded myself with....were going to be there forever.
Cleaning things out that no longer mean what they used to, bothered me...because....the feelings that I had for people and ideas are gone. And, it's a strange feeling.

I've been thinking alot about family lately. I'm getting older, and I often times feel all alone in the world. Very few people call to ask how I am. And, sometimes it feels like that means that noone cares. (and..with this said..I am a HORRIBLE phone person...so even if they did call....I might not answer)
I've spent my entire adult life, trying to convince myself that family isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be.
But, I guess that, I've only been doing that, because I've lacked that for so long. And, who wants to be okay with not having something that most people need.
I'm about to be 26 years old.
I lost the most important person to me, my grandmother when I was 12. My grandfather whom placed me on a pedestal, died when I was 20, basically having grown to hate me, because of my sexual preferance.
I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 9 years. And my father has been in jail since 2002. I've visited him once, and while he writes at least every two weeks...I haven't written him in over a year.
For as long as I can remember, I've placed all my eggs in one basket.
I've either clung to one lover, or one friend....forever.
And in doing so.....you find just how empty you feel. You start thinking....What happens if this person is no longer there.
You realize how quickly you could find yourself all alone.
It's funny how your greatest fear haunts you. It circles you. It engulfs your mind.
Or..maybe just mine.

In my almighty quest to live as a person who speaks my mind, and stands up for my ideas and beliefs..I've found that I've alienated anyone I've ever known.
Not to say that it's been entirely my doing...

I can't even begin to put into words a proper analysis of my psyche. I can simply say...
I'm a mess. A fucking disaster. lol.
I've just got so many things I need to do, and undo. Do over.
And all I ever want to do is give up.
I give up before I start.
Because I worry too much. I worry about everything. EVERY single thing.
I come across as this person who doesn't really care about much. "ehh.. fuck it".
But its just a facade.
I worry.

And I gotta stop worrying and second guessing everything. And, just start being, without fear. Fear of life, and death and failure. Defeat. Loss.
I need confidence. I just can't seem to figure out how one achieves that.

Hakuna Matata. (It means no worries)

Scarecrows Dressed in the Latest Styles.

I've spent alot of time today thinking. Mostly thinking about this exact blog. What to say, how to say it. I've come up with no satisfying conclusion. So here it all goes. The best, the worst, and all in between.

At the final night of bowling on Tuesday, one of the girls on the league approached me. She's someone that's always come across as nice, but never as someone that would typically seem interested in talking to me.
I was cramming some sort of asian salad thingy down my throat, when she walked up..leaned into me and said "I just want to say I read every one of your blogs and I have to say you are a very good writer. You're very insightful"
It's moments like those, that cause a commotion in my mind. It sometimes makes me feel strange that people I don't know read my blog, let alone take any sort of positive influence from it. Often times it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable when people mention my blog, if only because I'm able to put things in words on the internet, that I probably couldn't voice to very many people in person, if any.
And at the same time, it makes me feel very good. A part of putting your heart and soul online, is having the knowledge that somewhere, someone is listening to you. Someone understands, and if not, they at least try to. As someone who has only really ever wanted to be someone who inspires people in the world with the things they write...it's a feeling that I can't describe. It's some sort of validation that...if one person sees it as something inspiring, or thought provoking, touching, life altering, or just something to keep their mind off their own maladies...then perhaps my ideas of wanting to make a name for myself in this field aren't completely ridiculous.
I doubt myself alot. In every area of my life really. But my writing is something that sparks something inside of me. Like a musician and their instrument. A painter to their easel. I have the words that come from inside of me. And, being as my education is limited, I fear that my lack of understanding for vocabulary, parts of speech, proper punctuaion, and things of that nature are often times disparaging.
I think that maybe that lack of education will ultimately cost me my goals and dreams. Though, on the other side of that coin, is the fact that I also believe in some weird way that the things that I lack, are in some strange way my biggest asset. I don't have the fancy words, and the knowledge of the best way to word a sentence, and where to insert a comma or a semi colon. But I do realize that I have an interesting way of saying how I feel.
And that's simply that I...say it.
I've never been one to hold back how I feel. Which, some could argue is just as much a positive as it is a negative.

If you're anyone who reads my banter on a regular basis you know that I've been dealing with someone who has been attacking me and my other half, through anonymous messages on my blog. I've gone through the decision making process as to whether or not to moderate my comments, and not allow him to post without first being approved. Initially, I looked at it like I didn't want this person to think that what he was saying was actually affecting me. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that...Yeah. His onslaughts actually do hurt my feelings.
I said, fuck it. I'll let him post his bullshit, let people read it, and anyone with any sort of common sense can see that this person is an ignorant son of a cunt.
That decision has since been altered.
The attacks have grown ugly, and while there is some glimmer of truth to some of the things he's said...he puts a spin on them that makes them look like something they're not. Or, at least something I don't want to believe thet are.
Being someone who, tends to tell people exactly what he thinks, without regard to their feelings...I've faced this before. People tend to get upset when you offend them. And, often times they want to recieve vindication.
Whether these comments are meant as payback, or simply an act of anger or jealousy, or whatever other emotion, I can only speculate. But, I'm not going to use my place for thoughts and feelings as a battleground for some idiotic person to belittle me. I can't argue inbetween comments on my blog, whether or not this person is going to sleep with my boyfriend, or do this, or do that, or whatever other threats he's used. These things are out of my control. Certainly, me sayin "thats not going to happen" isn't going to ensure that it's not. Just as his words of "yes it will", don't mean that it will.
It becomes a game who has more confidence in what they think the outcome will be. And, I really have no choice but to believe in myself, and let other peoples' decisions stand for themselves.

I know, that this blog will probably lead to more comments. Unfortunately for those reading that want to remain abreast of the situation...his comments will no longer be posted publicly. Though, I'm sure they'll continue for awhile.

One thing that I will admit to, is how much some of the things bother me. I can handle attacks on myself, and I can deal with attacks on the person I'm in love with. However, the attacks on the grandmother thing, kind of hit me in a soft spot. My own personal, kryptonite type of thing.

At any rate. I'll conceed that this person has gotten under my skin, and forced me to make adjustments so that it doesn't continue to get uglier in a public forum. Being someone who is often too proud, and always in constant fear of someone besting him...it kinda makes me fell down on myself.
A sort of..ah..I even fail at one of the things I'm good at, which is argueing with people. I guess for this one, the other person is just more prepared for the "pulling through the dirt" process.
I'll suck it up, and admit that there's no way to win this one. I have been bettered.
Though, theres that other side of me that says... this makes me the victor. I'm not playing the games I once would. However, theres the OTHER side that wonders if I'm not playing the game because I'm equipped with the ammunition needed.
At any rate, I know who the person is. He's a douchebag. (clearly) and hopefully he accidently blows himself up and is eaten by some sort of rabid camel in Iraq. (best case scenario..its videotaped and put on youtube for my viewing pleasure)

With all that said. I've been getting alot of ideas randomly popping up in my head in regards to things to write about. I feel a surge of creativity coming, and that makes me extremely happy. Especially in this time where I feel so down on myself. Granted, I'm the type of person who is always down on myself, lately it's just been worse.
I feel sort of....undesirable. I know that I'm with someone who loves me, and all that...but I just am so overly critical that I feed on all of my own insecurities and I eat myself alive over them. I don't really feel, special or attractive, or anything.
Sort of like I'm just kinda here. In the way. Taking up space.
It can be said that noone can make you feel good about yourself, if you dont feel good about yourself first. Though, it can also be argued that the two work collectively.
With the complete state of array almost every aspect of my life seems to be in...I just want to stop for a few moments, and be reassured that I'm not the creator of all things wrong and hate-filled in the world. I'd like to be shown that I am capable of bringing a smile to someones face. Inspiring someone to be something great. Able to be enough for someone. I want proof that the prospect of being happy is something I have the ability to achieve. Sometimes I think the people around us, that need to help boost us up, often forget that lives are intertwined.
Thank people. Apologize. Be humble. Show love. Care. Consider others. And most importantly hold on to people that need a little more. You'd be surprised how much a little bit of help along the way can help someone.
Noone wants to feel unimportant. Just think about it. Everyone. Pay someone a compliment. It can make a difference in someones' day in ways you'd never really think imaginable.

*nod*