Live Positively

Albert Camus once wrote, "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken."

But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"

Those words sit inside of me. And I ask myself, if a heart never breaks.....then you never endure the healing process. And, if you never heal...then you never learn. If you never learn, you never struggle. And, being that struggle is a part of the world that everyone needs to go through....does that mean that for life to take full circle....all hearts must be broken?

The road that has led me to the exact spot I stand in today..has been a very dark one. It's been littered with hardships, pain, painful memories, fear, regret, loss. And a multitude of others. Maybe that's true for alot of people, but I can only speak for myself.

My life took a dark turn at a very young age. For whatever reasons things happened to me out of my control. And dab things seemed to happen from that point on. Unable to understand these things, or realize that they were not my fault...I stacked them on top of one another.
I hated myself because of what someone else did to me, for my mother never contacting me, for my father using drugs. I thought that these were things that reflected upon me. I felt that the blame fell on me.

When I was in 4th grade, I was homeless for a brief stint, and ultimately when my father went to jail for a year...I lived with my grandmother. That year was the happiest I had ever been. I felt loved. And wanted, and my grandparents did things that showed me that there was more than what I'd seen.
They were unselfish, and took care of me. They put me first.
When my dad got out of jail, things were different. He took me back, became a bible thumper...and suddenly started punishing me for ridiculous things. He had a knack for always blaming me when something went wrong. We would constantly argue because I couldn't understand why I was always being yelled at because he was upset.
We started clashing alot...I was coming to terms with my sexuality, meanwhile my dad would make comments such as "im glad you arent gay..id kick you out".
Quickly, my old feelings of feeling like everything I did was wrong...came back. I became ashamed of myself...and tried to hide it.
Eventually I came out to my dad. And, there are some that know me now, that remember my stories of being kicked out of my house every few days because my dad would say he didn't want a fag around. He couldn't handle it.
At that time my mother was making comments to the family that, hurt me. Things like my dad would say to me.
Having lost my grandmother.....I felt abandoned by these people. These people that are supposed to love you, and do anything for you. Yet, proved repeatedly in my life that themselves and their needs and desires had always come first.

When I started dating a particular person, I dived into that. I wanted someone to take away all the guilt, and pain that I'd experienced. I wanted to just forget my past.
Unfortunately.....we were different people in need of different things...and for a long time all we seemed to do was hurt each other.
He was a person who wasnt ready for what I was, and (even though he didnt intend to) he did alot of things that hurt me. (I did things that hurt him too...but I'm talking about my journey)

In this time, my dad again got into drugs, and did alot of horrible things. To me, to my friends, to complete strangers. And, at the end of the day...he didn't have the courage to take the blame for himself, he blamed it on me. Claiming that he did these things because he was lonely...because I had left him, and having me around was all he's had since I was a baby.

I don't know how or why,...maybe just because it seems I've never been able to catch a break...but I've always been hard on myself. If anything, only because deep down, through all of my faults and failures and fucked up tendencies..I know that I have a potential inside of me that alot of people could be envious of.
But, potential is a hard thing to grasp when you've got so many memories that haunt you like demons in the night.
I find it hard to see the good things in me...when most of my life, has been people pointing out the bad ones. I grew used to this, and...picked it up at a young age. As long as I can remember..I've been critical of myself and everything around me. I've rarely had great things to be proud of. I don't have a single moment that I can say...I'm proud of myself for that.

I have things locked away that people will never relate to.
I've always been alone. I grew up alone. I wasn't allowed to have friends and go to their houses. I was taken out of school, and forced to work with my dad, so i missed out on high school entirely. The only models in which to mold myself after, has been my dad. And, I don't want to be like him.
I don't know how to be like anyone else.

Now that I'm adult...I'm still trapped inside my childhood. I'm still that little kid, that doesnt want to be ignored. That doesn't want to sit by himself.

I got used to being the one to blame...that I do it automatically.
Something negative happens, and I find a way to blame myself. Whatever the problem is...

It must be because I'm too stupid. because I'm too naive. Or too lazy, or too arrogant. Or too needy. Or too ugly. Or too...whatever I can find to blame myself for.

And in that, I've grown to actually believe these things. Even if logic say it's ridiculous. It's my psyche. It's how I've been raised.

A friend once told me that I'm a tortured soul. I don't know whether thats true or not. Or whether its just a fancy way of saying that I'm a mess.

My last blog was a vent-fest. I was angry and upset with work, and I came home and unleashed my feelings. This is something I've always done.

However when you share a life with someone...their feelings and yours are universely connected.

I need to learn that when something goes wrong...it's not the end of the world and I don't need to list every problem I have within myself.

I'm so tired of hurting people. And, feeling hurt myself.
I wish there was a way to open a book and show people the process one goes through when they think so poorly of themself.
I wish there was a guideline or a handbook I could pass along to help people understand how hard it is.

Truth be told, I've hated myself for a very long time. Because I've always felt responsible for every bad thing that happens to the people around me. It's just always been that way.

I don't want to hate myself. But, I don't really know how to stop being so hard on myself.

But at the same time, I leave things vague. Too vague sometimes, and people interpret it in ways that cause them to blame themselves and do exactly what I've done my entire life.

I simply don't know how to act anymore....because no matter which way I do things...something goes wrong and it leaves me back at the beginning.

And I'm 8 years old again. Crying in a corner. Unaware of what to do. Who to be.

I just wonder what type of person I'd be today, if my childhood wasn't complete shit. I wonder how much of my potential would've been tapped into, and how much of the mess I am inside, would be extinguished.

My heart breaks. Most times at my own hand. I hurt myself, because it seems easier than someone else hurting me. I race towards that. I don't know why.
With the breaking comes healing. And with that comes learning. And a shitload of struggle.
All I do is struggle with how to love myself.

It's so hard to break the cycles you've always turned through.
And I admit to being a failure when it comes to fixing things.
I guess I just don't trust myself enough to not fuck up anymore than I already do.
I can't take any more disappointment at my own accord.

With it all said....I love someone.
He is the person I think about first when I wake up, and the last person I think of when I go to bed. He is the person I want to tell the good things to, and the person I want to hide behind when I'm hurt.
And the reason that I want to stop being the person that I have been, and be something that I can be.