Rules and Regulations.

Throughout the life that I have lived until this moment, (and most peoples' lives in their entirety) there is always a standard.
A certain way that things are supposed to be. A set idea, that mimics what other people seem to strive for, or better yet..what other people *think* they are supposed to try and duplicate as best they can.

Sure, as with all things you have your rebels and outsiders that refuse to join the fray. Those that stand up for themselves, and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. (under reasonable pretenses....usually)

In different aspects of my life, I have found myself on both sides.

Wanting nothing more than to fit in, to replicate myself after other peoples' standards because it seems "the norm". And, wanting nothing more than to be exactly who I am, nothing more and nothing less regardless of who has anything to say or think about my decisions.


I find myself in a situation. Actually, I gind myself in about 139 different mini-situations that have culminated into one rather large mega-situation.
And, my mind has reached a stage of "What is the right thing to do?" "What is supposed to be said or done in this particular instance". and, "Who the fuck makes the rules anyway?"

It breaks down like this:
Not very long ago, I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved. I still love this person, and will love this person in some fashion until my final breath. It was a relationship with alot of problems, and alot of hardships. However, I don't think saying that puts limitations on the raw emotion that was entangled in it.
It was both some of the best, and some of the worst feelings I've ever had.
I've had someone bickering with me, throwing in my face that I was dumped. The phrase,"Left like apiece of parsley on a dinner plate" was used.
I make no attempts to hide this fact. I was indeed dumped, and was indeed left with no option but to move out.
It was a rough moment, and anyone who has ever experienced a major breakup knows that there a definitely some sad times, and some things you'd probably like to take back. I too, hold my fair share of these events.
It has not been easy, though..it has not been the immensely unrecoverable life shattering spectacle everyone may think either.
I do wish that it could've gone differently. But, bygones are bygones and my life is anew.

In this time, I happened to meet a very sweet, very caring guy. However, having just been dumped and having alot of emotional baggage to deal with...timing was not in his favor.
And, as far as I know, the rules state you cannot jump into a relationship with someone right after getting out of one. It will not work, right?
So, over the past whiles we've hung out on limited occasions.

And, I've grown to think very fondly of him.
He is the first person that has ever made me feel like the most important person in the world. And, thats a very nice thing to feel.
But, we've taken things ridiculously slow, because I am still recovering from a bruised heart.

So, I ask, when is it okay to anyone involved, to still love someone else who doesn't want you, and begin to really like someone else that does?

It's the inner war I face. Emotional discardage, fighting the thought that, its too soon to like anyone else.

I've come to the realization that I cannot live up to anyone elses standards. I can't base my decisions on what anyone else believes is proper, or fair. Or, expected.

I can't place restrictions on my life. I can't let things that could turn out well, to pass me by because I'm nursing the fact that I've been hurt before.

I think it's a fact of life. You will ultimately at some point, hurt someone you love. And you will be hurt by someone you love. And, it's how you handle these things that make a difference, not that they happen at all.

I will not place expectations on things like I have before. Nor will I ruin them in my own head because I'm afraid of history repeating.
I have met someone that fits into what I've always looked for in a person. And, it's shitty, to see this person, and think to yourself "if only the timing was better".

So, I trek forward.
If it is not meant to be, it will not.
I refuse to push it forward too quickly just as I refuse to hold it down too long.
My life is mine.
I'm the one who has to live it, and I'm the one whose happiness lies in the background.

I can only hope that everything works out for everyone.
I wish my ex the best of luck. I hope that he finds the person that ignites his soul.
And, I wish that very same for me.

As well as for everyone reading this.

And I strongly suggest that everyone do things for yourself. Throw aside caution. Forget fears of failure. And try to ignore the past that can so easily haunt you. Live your life doing whatever brings you the most opportunities to genuinely smile throughout the day.

I'm going to attempt it as well.

Ta-Ta for now!