What do you believe in?

While my whirlwind week has apparently been extended into an unforseen amount of time...I'm actually in a semi-sorta inspiration-filled mood.
After watching a television show that always seems to leave me in a creative uproar...I've come here, with this.

Make a wish.
Place it in your heart.
Anything you want. Everything you want.
Do you have it??
Now...Believe it can come true.

You never know when the next miracle will happen.
The next smile. The next wish to come true.

But, If you believe it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it....You just might get the thing you're wishing for.

The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.
So...make your wish.
Do you have it?

Good. Now believe in it.
With all of your heart.

If you read this, post a comment. I want to know what YOU wish for. I want to know what you believe in.


I believe in love. And I wish for the moment that it believes in me too.

A Piece of Me.

I'm gonna start by saying that I have had a whirlwind of a week.
Relationship woes. Family emergency situations that left me on the outside staring in, fearful of what the final outcome would be. And, craziness at the work place.

As many of you have prolly read, a guy got hit by a car outside of where I work, while I was working. I seen it and there's craziness involved. I won't get into details, but it was fucked up. It has convinced me that I am some sort of horrible, gay bar omen.
Since I've worked in the bars...I have been working when all of these events have occurred:

This crazy guy ripped up the bar at Hooterville, breaking it into two pieces. A customers' hand happened to be lying right where it snapped in two....and got stuck in it, breaking his hand, and making it swell up to at least four times the normal size.

The day the building on the corner of Ontario and Monroe street fell down.
The day of the infamous bus crash into the front of Caesars.
The day the dead guy was found right around the corner from Caesars. He had been inside at Ripcord, and I served him his first drink on his last day of drinking.
And, now crazy "im gonna run you over" guy. I was one of the only witnesses.

I've stated..all I need now is a stabbing and a shooting.

Anyway...back to my melodramatics.

I was watching All My Children a little while ago, and this guy that has just came back to the show after being gone for the majority of my life...was telling a story of some girl named Jenny to a baby, through flashbacks.
Apparently the bitch died, cause there was an emotional funeral scene flashback.
This meant very little to me, until I heard him say
"Jenny told me the three things a person needs to be happy in life".

The three things were: Something to do. Someone to love. And Something to believe in.
I actually initially only caught the end, so I hit rewind, and listened to the whole shpil (thats the offcial yiddish spelling of the word...even though i think it should be "schpeel") and decided that...maybe this is why I feel so unhappy.
I do not think, that ever...in my life have I had those three things all at once. I don't know if I've ever had all three of those things seperately..let alone combined.
I know for me personally, I've always spent my greatest efforts focusing on the "love" portion.

At this time, I'm not happy. Not with much of anything. I don't have anything to do. Theres constant chaos with the person that I love, and I don't believe in much of anything. Except that, things that I believe in, often turn out to be the wrong things to believe in.
(lol)

I just need some sort of ....something. I can't put my finger on it.

So, in order to save myself, and the people I love.. I've got to make a change within myself.
You shall see these changes in the coming weeks.
One change that I must make, is to make time for friendships. I've neglected that. And, during this last week I've realized that if I neglect them.....when I need them...they won't be there.
I'm starting to take better care of myself medically...I discovered I have high blood pressure.
I'm exercising alot. Trying to get pretty.

And I'm trying my best to let go of things that are not in my control. And, that includes giving up on the whole ...trying to control things I can't.

Bueno!

Hakuna Matata.

Last weekend, P-ton and I went to see the Lion King at the Stranahan Theatre. I ordered front row tickets a few weeks prior, and the day finally came. Being someone who is obsessed with lions (I'm not sure why) I've been dying to see the show.
One particular scene, during the Hakuna Matata song intro, theres a line that says
"you gotta put your past in your behind" Which is an askewed version of what the next line is "No...you gotta put your past, behind you".

It's something thats stuck in my head ever since. And, while getting over my past is an area worthy of some addressing for some time now, something about the show, left me feeling this sort of...urgency to do so.

A week or two prior to the show, I took a step towards that, by cleaning out some stuff I've been hanging onto for too long.

Having always been one of those people that saves random stupid things, so I can look back and remember the little things that made me happy....I had alot of stupid things stored. Random letters and objects that remind me of different people and events that I experienced.

I found myself really emotional while throwing them away. Only because I realized just how much everything changes. Years ago, I thought I knew everything. I thought that the way things were, the people I surrounded myself with....were going to be there forever.
Cleaning things out that no longer mean what they used to, bothered me...because....the feelings that I had for people and ideas are gone. And, it's a strange feeling.

I've been thinking alot about family lately. I'm getting older, and I often times feel all alone in the world. Very few people call to ask how I am. And, sometimes it feels like that means that noone cares. (and..with this said..I am a HORRIBLE phone person...so even if they did call....I might not answer)
I've spent my entire adult life, trying to convince myself that family isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be.
But, I guess that, I've only been doing that, because I've lacked that for so long. And, who wants to be okay with not having something that most people need.
I'm about to be 26 years old.
I lost the most important person to me, my grandmother when I was 12. My grandfather whom placed me on a pedestal, died when I was 20, basically having grown to hate me, because of my sexual preferance.
I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 9 years. And my father has been in jail since 2002. I've visited him once, and while he writes at least every two weeks...I haven't written him in over a year.
For as long as I can remember, I've placed all my eggs in one basket.
I've either clung to one lover, or one friend....forever.
And in doing so.....you find just how empty you feel. You start thinking....What happens if this person is no longer there.
You realize how quickly you could find yourself all alone.
It's funny how your greatest fear haunts you. It circles you. It engulfs your mind.
Or..maybe just mine.

In my almighty quest to live as a person who speaks my mind, and stands up for my ideas and beliefs..I've found that I've alienated anyone I've ever known.
Not to say that it's been entirely my doing...

I can't even begin to put into words a proper analysis of my psyche. I can simply say...
I'm a mess. A fucking disaster. lol.
I've just got so many things I need to do, and undo. Do over.
And all I ever want to do is give up.
I give up before I start.
Because I worry too much. I worry about everything. EVERY single thing.
I come across as this person who doesn't really care about much. "ehh.. fuck it".
But its just a facade.
I worry.

And I gotta stop worrying and second guessing everything. And, just start being, without fear. Fear of life, and death and failure. Defeat. Loss.
I need confidence. I just can't seem to figure out how one achieves that.

Hakuna Matata. (It means no worries)

Scarecrows Dressed in the Latest Styles.

I've spent alot of time today thinking. Mostly thinking about this exact blog. What to say, how to say it. I've come up with no satisfying conclusion. So here it all goes. The best, the worst, and all in between.

At the final night of bowling on Tuesday, one of the girls on the league approached me. She's someone that's always come across as nice, but never as someone that would typically seem interested in talking to me.
I was cramming some sort of asian salad thingy down my throat, when she walked up..leaned into me and said "I just want to say I read every one of your blogs and I have to say you are a very good writer. You're very insightful"
It's moments like those, that cause a commotion in my mind. It sometimes makes me feel strange that people I don't know read my blog, let alone take any sort of positive influence from it. Often times it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable when people mention my blog, if only because I'm able to put things in words on the internet, that I probably couldn't voice to very many people in person, if any.
And at the same time, it makes me feel very good. A part of putting your heart and soul online, is having the knowledge that somewhere, someone is listening to you. Someone understands, and if not, they at least try to. As someone who has only really ever wanted to be someone who inspires people in the world with the things they write...it's a feeling that I can't describe. It's some sort of validation that...if one person sees it as something inspiring, or thought provoking, touching, life altering, or just something to keep their mind off their own maladies...then perhaps my ideas of wanting to make a name for myself in this field aren't completely ridiculous.
I doubt myself alot. In every area of my life really. But my writing is something that sparks something inside of me. Like a musician and their instrument. A painter to their easel. I have the words that come from inside of me. And, being as my education is limited, I fear that my lack of understanding for vocabulary, parts of speech, proper punctuaion, and things of that nature are often times disparaging.
I think that maybe that lack of education will ultimately cost me my goals and dreams. Though, on the other side of that coin, is the fact that I also believe in some weird way that the things that I lack, are in some strange way my biggest asset. I don't have the fancy words, and the knowledge of the best way to word a sentence, and where to insert a comma or a semi colon. But I do realize that I have an interesting way of saying how I feel.
And that's simply that I...say it.
I've never been one to hold back how I feel. Which, some could argue is just as much a positive as it is a negative.

If you're anyone who reads my banter on a regular basis you know that I've been dealing with someone who has been attacking me and my other half, through anonymous messages on my blog. I've gone through the decision making process as to whether or not to moderate my comments, and not allow him to post without first being approved. Initially, I looked at it like I didn't want this person to think that what he was saying was actually affecting me. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that...Yeah. His onslaughts actually do hurt my feelings.
I said, fuck it. I'll let him post his bullshit, let people read it, and anyone with any sort of common sense can see that this person is an ignorant son of a cunt.
That decision has since been altered.
The attacks have grown ugly, and while there is some glimmer of truth to some of the things he's said...he puts a spin on them that makes them look like something they're not. Or, at least something I don't want to believe thet are.
Being someone who, tends to tell people exactly what he thinks, without regard to their feelings...I've faced this before. People tend to get upset when you offend them. And, often times they want to recieve vindication.
Whether these comments are meant as payback, or simply an act of anger or jealousy, or whatever other emotion, I can only speculate. But, I'm not going to use my place for thoughts and feelings as a battleground for some idiotic person to belittle me. I can't argue inbetween comments on my blog, whether or not this person is going to sleep with my boyfriend, or do this, or do that, or whatever other threats he's used. These things are out of my control. Certainly, me sayin "thats not going to happen" isn't going to ensure that it's not. Just as his words of "yes it will", don't mean that it will.
It becomes a game who has more confidence in what they think the outcome will be. And, I really have no choice but to believe in myself, and let other peoples' decisions stand for themselves.

I know, that this blog will probably lead to more comments. Unfortunately for those reading that want to remain abreast of the situation...his comments will no longer be posted publicly. Though, I'm sure they'll continue for awhile.

One thing that I will admit to, is how much some of the things bother me. I can handle attacks on myself, and I can deal with attacks on the person I'm in love with. However, the attacks on the grandmother thing, kind of hit me in a soft spot. My own personal, kryptonite type of thing.

At any rate. I'll conceed that this person has gotten under my skin, and forced me to make adjustments so that it doesn't continue to get uglier in a public forum. Being someone who is often too proud, and always in constant fear of someone besting him...it kinda makes me fell down on myself.
A sort of..ah..I even fail at one of the things I'm good at, which is argueing with people. I guess for this one, the other person is just more prepared for the "pulling through the dirt" process.
I'll suck it up, and admit that there's no way to win this one. I have been bettered.
Though, theres that other side of me that says... this makes me the victor. I'm not playing the games I once would. However, theres the OTHER side that wonders if I'm not playing the game because I'm equipped with the ammunition needed.
At any rate, I know who the person is. He's a douchebag. (clearly) and hopefully he accidently blows himself up and is eaten by some sort of rabid camel in Iraq. (best case scenario..its videotaped and put on youtube for my viewing pleasure)

With all that said. I've been getting alot of ideas randomly popping up in my head in regards to things to write about. I feel a surge of creativity coming, and that makes me extremely happy. Especially in this time where I feel so down on myself. Granted, I'm the type of person who is always down on myself, lately it's just been worse.
I feel sort of....undesirable. I know that I'm with someone who loves me, and all that...but I just am so overly critical that I feed on all of my own insecurities and I eat myself alive over them. I don't really feel, special or attractive, or anything.
Sort of like I'm just kinda here. In the way. Taking up space.
It can be said that noone can make you feel good about yourself, if you dont feel good about yourself first. Though, it can also be argued that the two work collectively.
With the complete state of array almost every aspect of my life seems to be in...I just want to stop for a few moments, and be reassured that I'm not the creator of all things wrong and hate-filled in the world. I'd like to be shown that I am capable of bringing a smile to someones face. Inspiring someone to be something great. Able to be enough for someone. I want proof that the prospect of being happy is something I have the ability to achieve. Sometimes I think the people around us, that need to help boost us up, often forget that lives are intertwined.
Thank people. Apologize. Be humble. Show love. Care. Consider others. And most importantly hold on to people that need a little more. You'd be surprised how much a little bit of help along the way can help someone.
Noone wants to feel unimportant. Just think about it. Everyone. Pay someone a compliment. It can make a difference in someones' day in ways you'd never really think imaginable.

*nod*

20 Things that are Irritating Me

I'm sitting here watching Racheal Ray, and I suddenly feel the need to list a few things that irritate me.

1) Racheal Ray. I don't know why, but her voice makes me want to cut myself. Her cooking...good times. Her voice....Not so much.

2)The fact that everyone is getting old. Christie Brinkley (shes on R.R) is like 54, and looks it. Madonna is over 50. Ellen is 50. I'm starting to realize that the people that were 25-30 and hot when I was younger...are now getting old, and aren't so hot anymore. It's a painful reminder that at 25, my best years are behind me. And, I'm not prepared for that.

3)That damn Captcha thing you gotta retype to post a comment on myspace, or log in to yahoo games. Sometimes they put 9 different letters/numbers in there, and often they're so close to one another, or sideways and ontop of each other that I can't figure out what some of them are. I find myself having to do it 3 or 4 times to get it right. I don't have time for that shit!

4) The maintenance guy at our apartment complex found out we have a dog. (Well... *I* have a dog. I've had him since I was 12 years old) And, he ratted us out. So, we got a letter stating we have 30 days to get rid of the dog, or we can be served with an eviction notice. Upon calling the complex manager...The only way around their "No Pets" policy, is if I can get a doctor to write a letter saying something to the effect of "He's been through alot, his dog is an "emotional companion" (their words..not mine) I don't have a doctor, so I basically have to ask a doctor during my first visit with them, if they'll write some stupid thing saying I need my dog for my emotional well being. It's ridiculous and I'm so afraid to do it. However, if I don't at least try, I have to deal with the fact that we'll be forced to move, and it'll be entirely my fault. (guilt...it's ugly)

5) People who make comments to you, or to someone else in front of you, that are something they want you to overhear and read too much into, but pretend that they don't want you to know about. It's ridiculous

6) The fact that I couldn't get the right spelling of "maintenance" without going to dictionary.com.

7) I either sleep too much, or not enough. It's never the right amount. I'm always either too tired to do anything, or too over-slept to do anything. Sleeping too much is worse than not sleeping at all. Either way..I'm always tired.

8) Everyone I become close friends with...moves away. Every person that I've ever considered a "best friend"...I barely never speak to. It sucks.

9) the fact that my closet rod is still broken. It's been 3 weeks. I'm tired of my fucking clothes being all over the fucking place. Fuckin maintenance douchewaffle needs to get on his shit. This is bullshit. They now KNOW we have a dog, so I just wanna be like "look....if our clothes stay all over the floor...the dog I'm not supposed to have is gonna pee all over them...and I know that's not your problem.But...fixing the fucking shit yer supposed to fix...is your problem so fucking do your fucking job you fucking tattle-tail bastard.

10) Guys who say they're bisexual bottoms. You can fuck pussy, but not ass? wtf is that? Why don't you just say "hey....i fuck girls because im too scared to come right out and say hey..im a homo who likes it up the butt."

11) March Madness. If they didn't restrict it to only in March, then maybe it wouldnt be on all god damned day, and then when the shows that I DVR every week come on at 8 or 9, the basketball bullshit would actually be over, and I'd get the entire episode of what I'm taping. Instead...it goes over its scheduled time, and I end up with 57 minutes of 60 minutes, and 3 minutes of Big Brother. All of which was the recap from last weeks episodes.

12) Basketball in general. It's so repetitive.

13) Christie Brinkley. She's singing on RR. She sounds like a man. Looks like a man, pretending to me a woman, who looks like a man pretending to be a woman.

14) We live right next to a funeral home. (it's pretty dead usually) Today there's this family of 6 in the parking lot. They don't appear to be in any particular state of mourning. Three of them, are racing remote controlled cars through the parking lot. THREE of them. Don't they have a sidewalk at home?!?

15) Barack Obama. I'm just not a fan. I don't like his face, I don't like his name. He comes across as shiesty to me. Sure, Hilary is shiesty too, but at least I know that. I can't stand that everyone says "oh he's sucha good speaker and his speeches move people". Yeah. He's a good speaker. But...all he's doing is reading a speech that someone else wrote. Should we elect him cuz he can stand in the mirror and rehearse a speech until it sounds good, or should we elect the person who actually wrote the words that are moving people. People came down on Geraldine Ferrarro.(whatever her name is) for saying that Barack wouldn't be where he is if he wasn't black.
I couldn't agree with her more. As much as people say this isn't about race and gender....unfortunately...That's ALL that it's going to be about. If they black man wins it, it'll be *the* defining moment for black people. The same for women if the woman wins. I think politics need a major overhaul in general.

16) Politics. All it is, is propaganda. Half the republicans aren't republicans. The democrats arent democrats. They're just people pretending to be something that they know hundreds of thousands of people will rally behind.
If I knew that there was a chance of me becoming president..I might tell people exactly what they want to hear too.

17)I'm poor. Dirt poor. I spend too much, I don't make enough. I don't work enough, and if I did, I'd complain that I work too much. I never get to buy anything for myself. It's food, bills and rent. Occasionally something on ebay that's already belonged to someone else. It just ain't the same. I'm a shopaholic who isn't allowed to shop. It sucks dirty buttcrack.

18)Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I hate everything about her. Including her face.

19)Ohio. The place, the people. Everything. Everyone. I need to escape.

20 A) People going on and on about "Britneys' Comeback". She never woulda left in the first place if everyone would just leave her alone. God damn.
20 B) Being horny. I swear to god, I'm addicted to sex. All I want to do all god damn day is orgasm.

A Blog from the Past

I found something that I wrote on July 23rd, 2003. It was in my old diaryland diary. It's something I feel like reposting.

The only noteworthy change is that I no longer smoke. Here it is.:



July 23rd...2003 + 11:46 a.m.
I've decided to list all of the things that I am. Here's the list I've compiled.
I am a male. I am a gay male. I am opinionated.I am independant. And I am a loud mouth.
I am also shy, secluded and dependant.
I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am careless, and I am mean.
I am also caring, thoughtful, and kind.
I am gentle, I am strong, and I am weak.
I am lazy, I am meaningless, and I am brave.
I am hungry, I am hopeful, and I am hurtful.
I am honest, I am helpless, and I am hurt.
I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, and I'm all talk
I am young, I'm intelligent, and I am not wise.
I am lonely, I am haunted, and I am cursed.
I am special, I am surrounded, and I am blessed.
I'm unique. I am ordinary and I am pessimistic.
I am ugly and I am beautiful, and I am blind to both
I am wounded I am scarred, and I am tormented.
I am picky, I am arrogant, and I am annoying.
I am underappreciated, and I am ungrateful.
I am dying for a cigarette, I am dying because of cigarettes, nonetheless, I am a smoker wthout cigarettes.
I'm a horrible lover, and the greatest lover one will ever know.
I'm also one of those millions of idiots that purchased the Hanson "Mmm Bop" cd.
I cry too much.
I'm sensitive, and hard headed. And,Stubborn
I'm a hypocrite, and an idiot. I'm afraid and uninteresting. I'm boring and exciting.And I'm a complete roller coaster, who changes in an instant.
I am hated, and I am adored. I am comforted, and I am closed minded.
I am funny, well...I am a hilarious. And I'm one of those people, that everyone likes.
I'm one of those people, that everyone dislikes also.
I'm a jealous person, and an angry one.
I am a writer, I am a fool, and I am a failure.
I'm a disappointment, and on most days..I wish I wasn't in a world causing problems for myself or anyone else.
I am full of love. And love everything about love. The idea, the thought, the feeling.
I am in love.
I have never loved myself...And I am a person, that probably never will.
I am also a person that exxagerates, and a person that cries out for attention.

The Write Words.

Sometimes the amount of time that passes as I search for the proper words to speak my mind, amazes me. I guess if anything, it proves to my own critical mind that, I am indeed a writer.
Always searching for the right thing to say. Always worried that if I don't word things properly, or explain myself as best as possible...the wrong interpretation could be made, and things could go horribly awry. Yet at the same time, I get so angry that I often edit the things that initially come out, just so that the wrong thing isnt misconstrued.
The time that is spent going through the "Nope...not happy with that...must delete" process in my blogs, is near ridiculous.

Bear with me.

At this exact moment, I feel like I'm in a room with four walls and seventeen corners. I feel like I walk slowly, edging against the walls.....though all I really want to do is hide myself in the corner.

I'm not sure why I've been in this ...misplaced sort of mood today. It's one of those things I can't escape. Not today, not yesterday. Last week. Last year. Ever.

I'm not exactly sure, if it goes back to the horrible way I was raised and always feeling inferior to everything...or if its just something that gradually happened along the way to where I am now....
But, I tend to take minor things that most people wouldn't see as a "thing" and find a way to spin into some sort of personal attack against myself.

I tend to automatically think everything I do is wrong. That I'm not good enough. That I'm never going to be good enough. For myself, for someone else. For anything.
My opinion of myself, especially in the last few years has gotten so ....exasperatingly small. It almost feels vaporized.

This becomes a problem for me, quite often. Sometimes I'm able to shake it off, and sometimes it tends to linger around for longer than it should.
Today is one of those days, where it's all kinda grabbing me by the balls and not letting go.

I spend alot of time, trying to seem like a tough guy. I give a valiant effort towards appearing to the masses, as a strong willed, independant kinda guy, who could care less what a person thinks.
And, while that's part truth, it's also part fiction.

I think, I want people to think good thoughts of me. Then, if I find out they don't, I say "fuck you..i dont care what you think..I dont like you anyway". Or something to that extent.
But, when someone has something good to say...I feed off of it, like a homeless man to a 40 oz.

I'm one of those people that, if not recieving compliments, I feel like.....theres something wrong.
I panic. I worry.

I guess this all sort of started over this person leaving me messages. If you've been lucky enough to see them on the blog, before I've deleted them...consider yourself lucky.

Deep down, I know that this person is just trying to get under my skin, and by letting him/her...I'm giving them what they want. I know this. And half of me is like, whatever..I don't care.
But, if I'm being honest..I do care.

As mean, and brutal as people think I am....I'm really not. Deep down, underneath the exterior walls I build around myself, I'm actually a really good guy. Someone who cares alot about people, and feels compassion. Somewhere along the road I learned that, that guy gets mauled upon....and if I'm going to survive with my heart/mind intact, I've gotta adapt myself into something that can survive in my surroundings.
Somehow, I turned into someone that...seems unconcerned with feelings belonging to anyone but my own. But, infact this is not true.

This person leaving comments has found a weakness in me. A crack in the wall, in which he/she can stick their hands through...and ultimately expose me as a fraud.
What will the world think of Nick, if they know he isn't a heartless bastard, with real-life feelings?
The part of me, that is afraid of people "getting one up on me", or making me look bad, is so afraid that this person is going to say something about me, and someone will read it, and....then what?
Instead of focusing on the fact that, anyone with common sense, reading a blog, and the comments by some anonymous asshole will be able to differentiate between fact, and someone just talking shit to get under someones' skin....I focus on, well...."what if this person says something stupid like.. "you have aids" and..someone reading actually believes it". "What are they gonna think about me".
And, I'm ashamed of that. The fact is, I shouldn't worry about what someone else says about me. Nor should I concern myself with what someone else is going to think, about me after hearing these things....true or false.
I'm afraid that this person is going to say something about the person I love, that others might frown upon. Or, that I myself might let get the best of my paranoid thoughts, and start to question. Which, by all guesses...Is exactly what this person wants me to be worried about.

The fact is if you read this blog, you either know me, or you don't. You either know my boyfriend, or you dont. And, my defenses of what a random person has to say, isn't going to really combat anything other false accusations, and maddening ideas.
A force of negativity, placed into my life by someone wishing to make things difficult for me.

I've speculated for weeks over who it could be...I get messages to my phone. Emails. Instant Messages. It's almost like I have a stalker. Which, is almost endearing.

The words that this person has to say, isn't what hurts me. It's the trickle down effects of the comments that suck.
I start to get all "well....maybe i am ugly" Then I feel like..I'm never told otherwise...it must be true! and I get all sequestered. I distance myself...because I feel worthless, or not what I should be. Not enough.
And, that's where I'm giving this person strength over me.

I'm sure this blog will stir up all sorts of things, causing this person to give themself giant pats on the back. So, I'll save you the trouble and just say...congratulations. You have succeeded, in making me feel like shit.
But, I'm done with it now. Your wins are now your losses. You can continue if you wish. But, my tendency to beat myself up over words that aren't valid, by someone who can't even list their real name....has reached it's conclusion.

Maybe I am ugly. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I am HIV positive. Maybe I'm not. (I'm not! lol)Maybe my boyfriend has a history that he isn't proud of. Maybe he's a different person, in a different situation. Maybe he's not. Maybe I should kill myself because noone loves me, and maybe I shouldn't....maybe someone does.
Either way, your words, whether they be fact or not, are not going to have me afraid and angry of/with myself anymore.
Lord knows I beat myself up enough, without the help of anyone else.

...
I just wish my life was easier. I get so tired of being me, with all my idiocrasies. All my difficult ways. My hard to manage personality. My destructive ways of loving, and what nots.
My journey to feel like someone special....continues. It's all I really want.


"I wish I was special......So fucking special. I'm a creep." -Radiohead-