Death. or. something.

Earlier yesterday morning, and throughout most of the day I was half-assed trying to figure out the words I wanted to write in regards to a man at the bar whom passed away.
There was a time in my life that I recall saying "other than my grandmother..Ive never really had to deal with death".
Then my grandfather died, and since...it seems people that I've grown to know and love drop like flies.
Having worked in the gay bar scene for practically my entire adult life....so many of the people that I've served have become ; in a sense, my family.
Not everyone you meet makes a lasting impression. Not everyone I've gotten used to making rum and cokes, or scotch and waters for, makes an impact on your life.
I have been unfortunate enough to meet some of the biggest douchebags out there. And, at that same time been fortunate enough to meet alot of wonderful people.
People that, if not for my job...probably would have never spoken to. Never gotten to know. Never grown to love.

Its funny how you dont realize things. You think that because it's your job, it somehow desensitizes you to the world and the emotions that are a part of it.

Someone that I've seen at least 3 times a week, for the past.....three years...is no longer going to be there.
And, it changes you.
It is with a heavy heart, I know that I'll never see this person again. And, even though we rarely spoke, news of his passing hit me like a brick wall, and I found myself crying almost hysterically over this person that, by most accounts....I shouldnt be so emotional over.
I wanted to write something beautiful. Something amazing, that reminds someone, anyone, or just myself of this man that...tended to stay really quiet, until he felt his voice was imperitive to a situation.

I mauled with what to say. What do you say??
He was like...80. Or..so.
I'm sure he experienced things I'll never even..understand.

And..so I let it slide, and figured I'd write about it when the right moment came along. I'd write about it when the right words come to mind.

Maybe now isn't that time. But I suddenly feel like talking about death.

It's generally, most peoples' ultimate fear. Or at least the conclusion of most peoples fear. I mean, I don't think anyone is afraid of heights and says "oh my god...i could fall of this mountain thousands of feet, and....get up and walk home"
It's "oh my god..im gonna fall and die.

Anyway...death.

Theres so many forms of it. It comes in so many facets.
I believe there is the physical death. The mental death. A spiritual death.
You can feel like death, look like death. Smell like death.

And then there are those times when you just feel dead.

Not because your tired, or sick or anything like that.
But, just because you are down. For whatever reasons. Maybe you've gone through alot.
And maybe you've just lost something or someone.

I think most people have probably experienced this at least once in their life.

Theres a whole issue with mourning over life and death. Those that keep living mourn those that they've lost.
But I wonder if those that were lost, are the ones actually mourning because we're still here?

Maybe they go to heaven or some form of whatever afterlife spot they believe in.

Maybe this place. Here. This is where hell is?
It has to be. As much pain and grief and loss and.....heartache that this life entails...I simply cannot believe that it gets worse.
I have said goodbye to people I barely know. I've said goodbye to people I've disliked. I've said goodbye to people I was fond of, and people I've loved with all I have and know.
And whether it be because of death, or just life....changing at the speed of.....change.....Each time someone that matters or doesnt matter goes away whether physically or mentally....it still feels like death.

I stand at a crossroads. Arms wide. Outstretched and trembling.
My feet buckle and my eyes cry.
And I pray to the person that controls the world. God, Jesus. Some random bag lady. You. Yourself. Myself. Whomever it be. I pray to that person.
And I ask..
For just a small bit of help.

I'm tired of losing people that matter.

9021Oh hell yeah!

So..Lately I've been so certifiably crazy/depressed that the only thing I've been able to write has been "wah wah wah..wah.wah. wahwahwahwahwah".
So, I've decided that I'll take a moment (albeit brief) to discuss the things that are making me happy right now.

According to the way things are happening, I should be peaking with excitement.

Madonna has a new cd out that is quite possibly her best since Ray of Light.
So You Think You Can Dance is back.

Coldplay has a new cd on the way.
Theres a remake of Beverly Hills 90210 in the works, debuting on th CW in the Fall. (and..the original rocked my fuckin shit as a kid/teen)
Lindsay Lohan has a new single. (I love that crazy bitch)

My three favorite authors have all released new books recently. Christopher Rices' Blind Fall, Augusten Burroughs' A Wolf at the Table, and David Sedaris' When You are Engulfed in Flames.

The new Narnia movie.
The 6th Harry Potter movie is coming in November. Granted thats months away..I'm still poppin a boner at the thought.

I mean...these are all things that I consider favorites. It's like the perfect year.
Only thing that could make it better would be a Fiona Apple or Tori Amos cd.
Plus I got to See the Lion King musical a few months ago.

Seemingly, nothing short of being forced to sit through some crappy Meg Ryan movie, or something starring Crazyface (known to you as Bjork) singing about the trees and seeing it all or some stupid metaphoric "i kill people" bullshit, could bring me down from this entertainment euphoria.

And, after seeing Juno, and reading her article in Entertainment Weekly, Diablo Cody is my new favorite person. I dont care how many old bald men with coke bottle glasses she had to blow to get where she's at....She's the poo.

Anywhoo..That's all for now. I've got shit to attend to.

*shrug*

I just spent over an hour writing a blog that I've deleted.
It was coming across very depressing (even for me) so I've decided against it.

I acted foolishly today. Selfishly. And I wish I hadn't.

The problem with it all, is that I struggle with feeling good enough for things.

I'm a really difficult person to be around, and I drive people crazy.

I've got so many hangups and issues, that I can't even comprehend them myself, let alone try to explain them.

I take the weirdest things personal. And 95% of the time that I'm sad or mad, its because I am so upset at myself.
I take things out on myself sooo badly that I find myself just needing to know that theres something good about me.
I've lost sight of whatever that thing is.

And its very hurtful to be so down on yourself.
It's incredibly painful.

I need so much from people.
I just feel stupid. All the time.
It makes me want to disappear sometimes. Because I'm ashamed, or whatever else.

I just wish I knew how to remind myself that I'm not a complete failure.
It's how I spend most of my time.....Degrading myself.

I just wish I had a day when I wasnt feeling negatively towards myself.

Thats all.

Live Positively

Albert Camus once wrote, "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken."

But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"

Those words sit inside of me. And I ask myself, if a heart never breaks.....then you never endure the healing process. And, if you never heal...then you never learn. If you never learn, you never struggle. And, being that struggle is a part of the world that everyone needs to go through....does that mean that for life to take full circle....all hearts must be broken?

The road that has led me to the exact spot I stand in today..has been a very dark one. It's been littered with hardships, pain, painful memories, fear, regret, loss. And a multitude of others. Maybe that's true for alot of people, but I can only speak for myself.

My life took a dark turn at a very young age. For whatever reasons things happened to me out of my control. And dab things seemed to happen from that point on. Unable to understand these things, or realize that they were not my fault...I stacked them on top of one another.
I hated myself because of what someone else did to me, for my mother never contacting me, for my father using drugs. I thought that these were things that reflected upon me. I felt that the blame fell on me.

When I was in 4th grade, I was homeless for a brief stint, and ultimately when my father went to jail for a year...I lived with my grandmother. That year was the happiest I had ever been. I felt loved. And wanted, and my grandparents did things that showed me that there was more than what I'd seen.
They were unselfish, and took care of me. They put me first.
When my dad got out of jail, things were different. He took me back, became a bible thumper...and suddenly started punishing me for ridiculous things. He had a knack for always blaming me when something went wrong. We would constantly argue because I couldn't understand why I was always being yelled at because he was upset.
We started clashing alot...I was coming to terms with my sexuality, meanwhile my dad would make comments such as "im glad you arent gay..id kick you out".
Quickly, my old feelings of feeling like everything I did was wrong...came back. I became ashamed of myself...and tried to hide it.
Eventually I came out to my dad. And, there are some that know me now, that remember my stories of being kicked out of my house every few days because my dad would say he didn't want a fag around. He couldn't handle it.
At that time my mother was making comments to the family that, hurt me. Things like my dad would say to me.
Having lost my grandmother.....I felt abandoned by these people. These people that are supposed to love you, and do anything for you. Yet, proved repeatedly in my life that themselves and their needs and desires had always come first.

When I started dating a particular person, I dived into that. I wanted someone to take away all the guilt, and pain that I'd experienced. I wanted to just forget my past.
Unfortunately.....we were different people in need of different things...and for a long time all we seemed to do was hurt each other.
He was a person who wasnt ready for what I was, and (even though he didnt intend to) he did alot of things that hurt me. (I did things that hurt him too...but I'm talking about my journey)

In this time, my dad again got into drugs, and did alot of horrible things. To me, to my friends, to complete strangers. And, at the end of the day...he didn't have the courage to take the blame for himself, he blamed it on me. Claiming that he did these things because he was lonely...because I had left him, and having me around was all he's had since I was a baby.

I don't know how or why,...maybe just because it seems I've never been able to catch a break...but I've always been hard on myself. If anything, only because deep down, through all of my faults and failures and fucked up tendencies..I know that I have a potential inside of me that alot of people could be envious of.
But, potential is a hard thing to grasp when you've got so many memories that haunt you like demons in the night.
I find it hard to see the good things in me...when most of my life, has been people pointing out the bad ones. I grew used to this, and...picked it up at a young age. As long as I can remember..I've been critical of myself and everything around me. I've rarely had great things to be proud of. I don't have a single moment that I can say...I'm proud of myself for that.

I have things locked away that people will never relate to.
I've always been alone. I grew up alone. I wasn't allowed to have friends and go to their houses. I was taken out of school, and forced to work with my dad, so i missed out on high school entirely. The only models in which to mold myself after, has been my dad. And, I don't want to be like him.
I don't know how to be like anyone else.

Now that I'm adult...I'm still trapped inside my childhood. I'm still that little kid, that doesnt want to be ignored. That doesn't want to sit by himself.

I got used to being the one to blame...that I do it automatically.
Something negative happens, and I find a way to blame myself. Whatever the problem is...

It must be because I'm too stupid. because I'm too naive. Or too lazy, or too arrogant. Or too needy. Or too ugly. Or too...whatever I can find to blame myself for.

And in that, I've grown to actually believe these things. Even if logic say it's ridiculous. It's my psyche. It's how I've been raised.

A friend once told me that I'm a tortured soul. I don't know whether thats true or not. Or whether its just a fancy way of saying that I'm a mess.

My last blog was a vent-fest. I was angry and upset with work, and I came home and unleashed my feelings. This is something I've always done.

However when you share a life with someone...their feelings and yours are universely connected.

I need to learn that when something goes wrong...it's not the end of the world and I don't need to list every problem I have within myself.

I'm so tired of hurting people. And, feeling hurt myself.
I wish there was a way to open a book and show people the process one goes through when they think so poorly of themself.
I wish there was a guideline or a handbook I could pass along to help people understand how hard it is.

Truth be told, I've hated myself for a very long time. Because I've always felt responsible for every bad thing that happens to the people around me. It's just always been that way.

I don't want to hate myself. But, I don't really know how to stop being so hard on myself.

But at the same time, I leave things vague. Too vague sometimes, and people interpret it in ways that cause them to blame themselves and do exactly what I've done my entire life.

I simply don't know how to act anymore....because no matter which way I do things...something goes wrong and it leaves me back at the beginning.

And I'm 8 years old again. Crying in a corner. Unaware of what to do. Who to be.

I just wonder what type of person I'd be today, if my childhood wasn't complete shit. I wonder how much of my potential would've been tapped into, and how much of the mess I am inside, would be extinguished.

My heart breaks. Most times at my own hand. I hurt myself, because it seems easier than someone else hurting me. I race towards that. I don't know why.
With the breaking comes healing. And with that comes learning. And a shitload of struggle.
All I do is struggle with how to love myself.

It's so hard to break the cycles you've always turned through.
And I admit to being a failure when it comes to fixing things.
I guess I just don't trust myself enough to not fuck up anymore than I already do.
I can't take any more disappointment at my own accord.

With it all said....I love someone.
He is the person I think about first when I wake up, and the last person I think of when I go to bed. He is the person I want to tell the good things to, and the person I want to hide behind when I'm hurt.
And the reason that I want to stop being the person that I have been, and be something that I can be.

Rock Bottom-ish.

My emotions are out of control right now. I've got so many different feelings rolling around that I...can't even begin to understand what's going on with me.

I'm stonecold sober. Yet I feel like I've been drinking all night. Like, I've just come down from some sort of dramatic night, and all I want to do is sit in front of an entire plate of artery clogging food, and cry myself to sleep.

As I rode in the backseat of a Black and White cab, seat foam ripped out, the door cover on the inside dangling on its last thread, muslim-esque man listening to some radio station that, if I could speak that language...I'm sure said something like..kill americans. drive taxi into building...I had an epiphany.

I am perpetually...miserable.

It wwas one of those nights. Infact, it started when it was still daylight. Through and through...it's just been a horrible fucking day. The worst say ever.
Now, with that said, I'll admit to being one with a flare for dramatics. I'll also abide with the notion that...I tend to exaggerate things.
This was in fact, not the worst day ever. It probably wasn't even in my top 50. But, nonetheless..I don't want to stray any readers from the thought that...this was a really shitty evening for the nick.

And I'm angry. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure I even have a valid reason to be....but that doesn't slow down the rage.

So...what's wrong you ask?

Whats not?!.

Work tonight, was absolutely disheartning. By the time I left after accidently paying someone too much money, and having one of the worst nights ever...it actually cost me money to go to work.
You might ask how that's possible, and if I could logically explain it...I would.

Theres something about work going absolutely awful that makes you think.
And, trust me..when yer alone for hours in a bar... you get alot of thinking time in.

Here's a compilation of things I've determined.

Thursday nights suck. They suck more than tranzy prostitutes. They fucking suck.

People take advantage of me. More than they should. But I deal with it, because in some fucked up way, it makes me feel like theres a place for me. Even if that place lies on the floor, as a doormat/stepping stone for my so called "friends".

I'm never going to be the person I want to be. I'm never going to achieve great things. I'm never going to be anything other than what I have been.

I'm never going to be anything other than the villain. I'm good at being the one thats an asshole. I'm good at being the one that's to blame. I'm good at being the guy that takes the fall. I guess everyones got something.

I'm funny. I'm actually hilarious. But, I rarely get to show that side of me, because I'm always so bitter and angry.

People, have it out for me. I don't even think they know it, but they do. I have this collection of assholes who think that by saying something to me, they're complimenting me, or helping me. When in fact, they're fucking with me. They're making things harder.

I have, the absolute worst luck in the world. It seems that everything that occurs with the ebb and flow of things, gets completely fucked up and goes haywire if I'm even sorta involved.

I need to work in a place where there are absolutely no people. None. Not even one. Just me.

I need to stop hiding behind things. Listing excuses. Finding reasons.

I need to start being truthful with myself. Stop being ashamed of the things that make me who I am. Even if those things don't fit with other peoples ideas of who I should be.

I need to stop being so sad. It's like there's two versions of me. theres the guy that smiles in person, and pretends everything is wonderful, but secretly lives a life of too much concern. And then theres the one that writes. That says what's really going on. The one that shows a side of me other than a raised eyebrow, a curled lip and a dirty look.

I need to stop looking towards other people to boost my esteem. I've always felt like "well...if so and so thinks I'm funny or cute or smart or they like me, or they love me or they this, or they that...then....ill be happy and everything will be okay".
Kind of like...I've based my opinions of myself on what I feel other people think of me.
And, that isn't working. Or, maybe it is, and reality is a taste I haven't yet acquired.

I need to lower my standards. People can't live up to my perfect ideas. I can't live up to my own.

I need to stop drinking. (I also determined that I needed to drink more...I was alone and bored. Alas...I didn't drink more...Though I wanted to)

I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life. I can't stand living here. I hate that so many people know me, and things about me that I feel are different. I hate that people know so many things about my boyfriend, and our relationship...that I feel are different.

I hate that people dont seem to understand me. They don't seem to get me, or agree with me. Or...even grasp where I'm coming from.
It's so hard to take yourself outside of who you are and how you think and feel, and put yourself in someone elses shoes. I know I struggle with that personally...but it's easier to focus on everyone else not understnading you..than you not understanding them.

I hate this person who is leaving me comments. I hate them passionately. They fuck with my psyche. They destroy my thoughts. They invade my mind. And create a world where I get so afraid. I go through the what ifs of a hundred different scenarios.
The only outcome that makes sense is that ...I'm a disaster.

I am a disaster. Completely. Notice that the only good thing I've said is that I'm funny.
That's the only good thing I can think of.

I need to stop hating myself. I think I'm stupid, and a failure, and ugly. I think that noone cares, or noone loves. Noone likes or understands.
I get so hurt over things that alot of people wouldnt notice or wouldn't care about.

I look for someone to prove me wrong. Yet, the only person who should have that responsibility is me.
(maybe I should've gotten drunk...this is tragic.)

I feel like a burden.

With everything that I feel....All my negativity towards myself rolled up into one entity...I feel like...a waste.
I feel like I have so much potential....Yet it turns into nothing because I'm too busy looking to someone else to tell me that I matter.
I've lost track of the ability to prove it to myself.
And therein, lies a very deep rooted problem. That I do not know how to solve.

TOM, Crazy Black Tranzies, and Memorial Day.

I sudddenly like mayonaise. This fact freaks me out, because for 25 years..I hated mayonaise with my every fiber.
I couldn't touch potato salad. Or macaroni salad. I keep calling them the same thing.

I have this sudden obsession with macaroni salad. (amish macaroni salad) Prior to this obsession was my Cole Slaw obsession which, for 25 years and 6 months of my 26 years of life..I refused to eat also.

What do these changes mean?
Is the apocolypse near?

Earlier tonight, I grabbed my tub-o-macaroni salad, set it on the computer desk, and began playing euchre online. I had a bite or two or 16, put the lid on and returned to my game.
Flash forward Lost style to 15 minutes later (and two exhilarating euchre losses. 10-3, and 10-0) and my arm accidently hits this tub-o-macaroni salad. (which will from here out be refered to as TOM)
The rest seemed like one of those instances that occur when something traumatic happens to someone and they black out and cant recall all the details.
Only...I didn't black out, and the details are etched in my mind.

Macaroni Salad everywhere. On the desk, on the legs of the desk. The wheel of the desk. The wall. The cable wires. The desk chair. The carpet. Oh the sweet innocent carpet.

They don't make lids like they used to, I'll tell ya that.
So I sat there...scooping it up into my palm, shoveling back inside the tub. For a brief second I thought. "hmm...is any of this salvage-able??!?"
You know theres a problem when you cant decide if you're more sad that you have to clean it up, or if your more sad that this means there is no more TOM.

While writing this far....bugs have flown and landed on my face twice. I just glanced up, and theres a mini army of gnats craling all over our ceiling right above me. This is more tragicness in what now seems a night full of it.

I realized the other day that I'm getting old. If only for the simple fact that I've deemed it too much work to bend down to close the crisper in the refridgerator...so instead I push it closed with my foot.

Another sign...during sex..If the words "um..we need to switch positions because my knee is giving out" are uttered...you are old. Or severely out of shape.

Last week, while at work and drinking, I looked around and seen there were about 16 people in my bar. 2 of which (including me) were white. And none of which, had cocktails. So, I got on the microphone, and said "This...is a bar. To be here...you're supposed to be drinking...So...again I say...You need to buy a drink to be in here". I turned and noticed one of them, dressed in drag, giving me a dirty look.
So I said over the microphone "that means all 37 of you who arent drinking...Come to up to the bar, and order a drink now...or..get...the fuck...out."

The Wesley Snipes lookin tranzy mess, didn't like this. She approached the bar telling me how rude I am. So..over the microphone I said " wasnt being rude...but i can be....order a drink or get the fuck out..bitch".
His/Her reply was "dont call me a bitch, bitch" So I said "okay...get the fuck out....hoe"
Things continued, until she hit one customer with a beer bottle, another one just got punched unexpectingly in the face causing mass amounts of bleeding. Then, before leaving (and grabbing a pool cue and trying to hit me) warned me that she was gonna get her "boys" to take care of me.
The very next night, one of the "boys" that was with the hoe was in, and not drinking...and my security guard refused to kick him out because he didnt want to "cause problems like you did last night...lets wait and see what happens".

So...I have written proof. If I die at the hands of 337 black street tranzies and their "boys"......someone inform the po-po that the culprit is a tranzy who looks like Wesley Snipes.

Before I wrap this up, I want to end on a serious note.
Today (yesterday) is (was) Memorial Day. I gather the concept is to remember those that aren't around to see or touch or laugh or whatever.
The idea is to give a day to them. And to keep in mind the things they did, the ways the changed you. The times they inspired you. Or, just to take tiem to acknowledge that there are people you've loved that can't be here anymore. I'm not really a huge celebratory type on days like this.
But, after spending the last hour or so writing (but not finishing) a letter to my dad, I got all nostalgic. I had wanted to visit the cemetary where my grandmother is buried, but I didn't get around to it.
I don't wanna give her just some small portion at the end of some stupid blog.
But. She was important to me. I remember her, though less.
I am, if anything....extremely grateful to her. If she hadn't been there for me on numerous occasions..I fear where I'd be in my life.
I often focus on the areas that I'm unhappy with, but I want to thank her for the goodness she brought me. The morals she taught me. And the love she gave me.

She inspires me more than any one person or thing.

One day...I hope I'm someone that mirrors the good things in her.

Closer.

I haven't written in quite some time. I can't honestly say whether the delay has been because I've had nothing to say, or whether I've had too much to say and just couldnt strike up the gonads to say what has been on my mind.
In the time prior to, and after my last blog, life seemed to be getting thick. There was a time of difficulty, that left me wondering just how many different pieces my life was going to be broken into.
There was a time when I lost a piece of myself. And I stood in a world with no sense of direction. No knowledge of which way was up, and which way was down.

I'm happy to say that since that time, things have gotten better. And I'm reaching a more peaceful, more confident position in my life.

During my down time from writing, I had a birthday. Normally, when a birthday comes along I've always blogged and written some sort of "this is what im thankful for" or "this is what happened to me" kind of blog.
I chose not to take that route this time.

I'll say that, I didn't have a bad birthday. Nor did I have a great one. I was kinda grumpy, and not feeling well, but I tried to make the best of it all. Alot of uncertainty seemed to be floating around me, it seemed hard to handle.

The older that I get, the more intense my desire to be a better person comes fighting through.

I've made alot of mistakes in my twenty six years. I have more regrets than I'm happy about. I've hurt alot of people along the way. I've failed in alot of areas. I've burnt alot of bridges. I've stood idle in areas that I shouldn't. And I've spent alot of time dwelling on the things I cannot change or cannot control and trying to actually change them or control them, and in turn I've neglected those things that I'm capable of taking charge over.

At this moment, I have a strong yearning to be something different than I've been. Someone that isn't as harsh. Someone that isn't as careless with other people and their feelings. I want to actually take steps towards being peaceful with people. I've devoted so much energy to saying "fuck people. I'm gonna do what i want. Act how I want. Say what I want". And while I'm proud of those things, I'm also ashamed of them.

I think that being true to yourself is one honorable trait. But, being honorable towards others...is also something that shouldn't go unrecognized. And, for whatever reasons...I'm mean to people for no reason.
I'd like to change that.

With that said...I also enjoy being mean to people that piss me off. So, it's a difficult transition. Where exactly in the sand does one draw the line?

I'm not at all claiming that I'm gonna change into this really kind guy overnight. I definitely have a short fuse, and easily get irritated with people. And I'm easily offended. When these things escalate...my initial reaction to unleash my wrath unto people.
I'd be lying if I said that will sudddenly stop.
But, I would like to progress into a person that is more than one dimension.

At this stage in my life, I'm unhappy with where I am. That's also a loaded statement, because I'm very happy with where I am in some areas.
I feel like my relationship is in a much better place than it was for awhile. I think strides are being made that speak in leaps and bounds. With that said, both of us are extremely unhappy with our jobs.
It sucks to be in a place with someone that you love, with both of you struggling with your sanity at work.

I've decided that my goals aren't going to just fall into my lap.
My dreams of being a writer are not going to manifest into reality in front of my eyes, without action.

And I'm tired of being someone that wishes for something, but does nothing in way of achieving it.

There's a better version of me. And I'm on my way towards becoming that Nick.

I just hope to remain focused, and pray that I can keep a positive outlook on things.
My biggest problem is that I tear myself down. And, I guess above all else that's the thing I'd like to change most.