We go deep, and we dont get no sleep....

Today marks one of those days that, everything that's anything in your life seems to take a backseat.
And, in the passenger seat is everything you used to know. Everything you used to have, and anything you can relate to those feelings.

I've ricocheted back and forth, through a multitude of different emotions. Ultimately adopting different ones, not so much based upon how I actually feel, but how society would rather me feel. Noone gets anywhere by claiming to be sad or upset. Lost, or alone. These emotions tend to garner the sideways glances. The awkward pauses.

Instead I've become a person that doesn't talk about his feelings. I shell up. I build a square, hop inside, and place something over it, disguising me from everyone else. Encasing me in a place where I don't owe any explanations or examinations from anyone else. No judgements on my personal psyche.

I guess it's easier that way.
I don't know that I've had too many people beating down my door for explanations as to why i am the way i am. I'm not so sure theres been a long list, or a list at all,of people curious about me and my idiocricies.
And, when there are people there that genuinely care, it becomes some sort of fairy tale type ordeal.
Sometimes it doesn't seem feasable that there could be people out there that truly care about me, without the secret underlying issues of their own agendas.
I spend alot of time tearing myself down. Not because I actually think that poorly of myself, but more so because if I do it myself, then noone else gets the opportunity. And, if theres' one thing I despise, its someone else getting a dig in at my expense.

I find myself in very unfamiliar ground. And, im not good with how to handle things on familiar ground, let alone when im not used to my perdicament.
My daily routine consists of battles against myself, battles against other peoples perceptions of me, and my situations. I find myself at war with how to make everything perfect.
And, instead of continuing that cycle, I'm taking another route.

My imperfections make me who I am. they make me both the ugliest person I know, and the most incredibly beautiful person I think one can be. I can be both horrendous, and amazing, often in the same day. Perhaps the same hour block.

I'm always going to be someone that longs for the days past. I'll forever wish I was twelve years old again, and I never got the call.
I'll always wish I had been more responsible in my youth. I'll always wish thing shadn't gone the way the did. And, a part of me will always hold some little bit of resentment towards things I cannot control.

I'll always look over my shoulder. No matter how good things are, I'll always secretly expect them to go badly...because it always seems to happen.

I'll always be some sort of hopeless romantic. Expecting that the feelings of love and devotion can conquer all the horrible things in the world.
I'll always openly voice my doubt in myself, but secretly I always think that somehow I can make it okay.

I'll always believe that I alone, with myself...my personality, my traits and all...possess the ability to make someone happy. Even if aloud I express nothing but a lack of confidence.

I'll always wonder if everything Im doing is wrong. It's the winding road in which i walk upon. Inside of self doubt, is self awareness. And within all of that, I believe you find the ability to know what you're capable of.

And, I believe that im capable of things I'll never trust myself to achieve. I think my limits are widestretched, but my perspective is lacking.

I'll probably always pretend that I'm okay. Even when im probably not. I'll probably always hie my eyes when I cry. I'll probably always say I'm fine, even when I feel like the walls are closing in.

I'll always speak my mind. I'll always stand up for the ideas and the people that i believe in. Often even though they're wrong, my loyalties are carved in stone.

I'll never hold back on my emotions. I'll never be scared to say how I feel about people.
Some people get scared of saying certain things..I however am more afraid of not saying the things that arise in day.
I'll always try to fix things.
I've learned that, often even when they're beyond repair, I remain hopeful until hope has been pried from my fingers. Even then, I'll clench onto it with my toes. Even the sleepy one.

I'll probably always latch onto my imperfections. Dissecting them, finding other reasons why I'm too this, or too that.
I'll always be too porud of myself, and will tend to get overly defensive when I feel i feel that being threatened. Even tho I'm often completely off base,..it's how my psyche works.


I guess what I'm trying to say, is... my life has been measured by things like this for as long as i know.
And, I dont think that I want this to be what defines me as a person for the next quarter century. I am not a sum of the ways I've been, and what ive achieved.
I'm defined by so much more.

I learned a very important lesson tonight.

And I owe it to a collection of things. To, work and circumstance. To love, and ideas. To hope, and hopelessness.
To my grandmother, my mom, my past and my goals.
Everything has me thinking about things I've lost track of.
And, I'm really glad to have had this moment.
It's all making me become more than I was 14 minutes ago.

and, that is a really good thing.

Tonight was the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Typically I devote a blog to remembering her. This year, instead of remembering the things about her I've begun to let slip away from memorys' grasp...I remind myself that there are no limitations. No restrictions. And, no expectations.
I can be anything. And, it certainly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. As long as I learn to think the best of myself.
It's certainly not an overnight process. But..with trial comes tribulation.

I offer this advice.
Do not scour the world in fear of love and the things it has to offer. It is both the beauty and beast in life.

It's learning which side of it best suits you, that becomes the most difficult task imaginable.

I choose to affectionate the greatest thing in the world. Others choose to let it evaporate.
I strongly suggest everyone be aware of the things you have. It's unimaginable how quickly you can lose them.

much love, bitches.much love.

Death and ..Stuff

I don't particularly want to be "that guy" who writes "that blog".
Not that theres anything wrong with being "that guy"..It's just not something I'm accustomed to.
I guess my musings don't really make sense unless I go on ahead with what I want to say.

Death is a funny thing.

I mean, it's not a funny thing. It's a scary thing. But, somewhere beneath all that uncertainty, and confusion as to whether to be afraid, or expectant, okay, or deniable about the whole ordeal...it's a funny thing. Funny, as in weird.

I personally, have always been petrified of death. As a little kid, I remember being scared of death on a nightly basis. I remember being little, probably 7 or 8, and praying "dear god...just please let me live to be 18".
I remember getting to 15, and realizing how close 18 was, and pray again "dear god...please ..let me make it to like...40". Now that I'm 26, and I have a medical condition such as the one I have. (dia-beat-us, as floyd would say)
I realize that I was being a bit short with my requests to extend my life.
There are things I certainly have left to accomplish, but while theres that, theres something that makes me smile when I think of growing old with someone, sharing a home, a family, concerns, and all sorts of other things like that.
There's something strangely appealing about being 60, all wrinkle-y and cudding up with my lover of 30 years, or whatever the case may be. There's something about grandchildren, and things like that, that...kinda make you want to experience that part of life as well.

It's not really until someone dies that you begin to question your own immortality. The mistakes you've made, the forgiveness you've failed to recieve. The loves you've set adrift.
The things you've yet to do, the loves you've yet to meet. Or, have already met.
Everything.

I've always been one of those people that sits back, and looks at his life as a "this is what i havent done" or a "this is what ive messed up doing" "this is what i dont have" "this is what happened to me".

Most of my life, I've spent my time despising what I have, or who I am, or things like that, and completely take for granted the things that I do have. The places I have been. The experiences I've gone through. The obstacles I've overcome.
Sometimes I lose sight of the good things that do exist.

I'm not good at being thankful for what I have.

Lately, I find myself in a good place. (Other than work-related issues)
I'm, closer to happy than..I think I've ever been.
That's not to say I'm ecstatic...But, if anything, I've learned an incredible amount about myself. The limits I can stretch, and things of that regard.

I've learned how I low I can sink, and ..how capable I am of recovering from that low.
And, listless amounts of other things.

I guess, I'm just realizing that, things aren't exactly how I've been looking at them.

Instead of worrying about having this, or going there...or whatever silly concerns one might measure their life by...I should be asking myself different questions.

I'm going through a thought provoking phase in my life. Call it my coming of age, or whatever.

But, I'm really reaching a place in my life where I'm learning to accept myself for who I am.
I'm struggling, but I'm learning to love myself through the struggle.
And, that alone is a grande' achievement.

Most of all,..
I've learned that you have to let go.

A man died today. He wasn't my friend. He wasn't someone that, mattered much to my life personally. I didn't know his name, I didn't speak to him, other than a friendly wave, and a passing "hi".
But, in his passing, I had time to think about my life.
In those moments of thought, I had the realization that so many things are important, that I fail to acknowledge.

And that's the best recognition I can give the person who passed.
His life may not have been something that made an impact on me. But, in his death I gained a little bit of insight that I'd been missing.
Maybe that seems foolish, or stupid to say.
But, it's truly a compliment. And a giant thank you.

Sappy Schmappy.

I'm a firm believer in that age old phrase "Everything happens for a reason".

Maybe its karma, divine intervention, or whatever the hell is is exactly..I'm not sure the origin.
But, I do believe that there is a purpose for each and everything that is thrown at you.

Whether it be a punishment of sorts for something you've done wrong, or whether it be an obstacle, perfectly placed in one's life so that they can overcome it (or..often ...not overcome it) and be prepared for things later in life. (or...often....not be prepared)

I think that some people have an easier time overcoming things. Some people are dwellers, or aren't as emotionally sound as others. Some people just lack the direction, or the drive to get through things.
Some people need a hand to hold, and some people need their space to accomplish things on their own.

But ultimately, I think everything that occurs to a person is destined to happen so that they fit in their place in life. Some people miss the opportunity to change after this things because they aren't able to decipher the right way to go...and I personally think that explains why some people think that bad things always happen to them, or they can't see to catch a break.
I believe it's probably because they caught a break, but they let it pass, and now they gotta wait for the break to come back around.
Or something like that.

I take a look at the experiences I personally have gone through. And, I acknowledge that most of the time, I've let them pass by without really changing the things that led up to whichever mistakes I made in life at that point.
But, there have also been instances where my entire mindset has changed. There have been things that have led me to be a stronger person, and there have been things that have set me back a few steps.

Again I believe in karma.
You do things, and those things come back to you. Maybe not in the exact form, but in some way. If you do things you promise you aren't ever going to do again, you might....say...get spit on at work, and have all of your tips stolen in the same night. (happened to me about a month ago, i just never had the time to write about it). Then, say you do something else that might not seem as bad, but still makes you feel guilty, you might say...lose your wallet with money in it, only to have it returned a week later, with the money gone. Or, perhaps....lose two of your shifts at work, and suddenly find yourself feeling like.."oh shit!"

There are ways in which all of us get dealt back what we've dished out.
Sometimes it's good, and often times it's the complete opposite.

I also believe in learning. You go through things that some people don't understand, and even though they might not be healthy for you to go through, after you've gone through them...You realize how much you needed them to catapult you to somewhere else.

I certainly don't want to jinx, or even really discuss the things that are going on in my life in this forum. too many people read it, that only have negative things to say about me and/or my life.
However, I will state that I am seeing someone. Someone that amazes me with his kindness.
For the first time in my life, someone treats me like I am the most important person in the world. And, even though I tell him to shutup everytime he says something sweet, or I tell him he's a freak when he does something that secretly makes my heart skip a beat.. It's a truly humbling thing to experience. I've never felt like...number one. I guess I've probably never been a number one.
But I suddenly find myself in the situation.
And, its amazing how much you change. How some of your issues just disappear when you know you have someone that honestly adores you. And only you.

I for the very first time, am learning what trust actually is.
And, I have to credit that to the things I've gone through before.
If not for each and every predicament, relationship, friendship or conversation...I wouldn't be in the exact place I'm in right now.
Which, I'm excited to say.. is a pretty good one.

Now if I can just shake this cold...and find a job that doesn't constantly dick me around like yesterdays ball sack, ..my life would be in a really incredible place.

Peace and Chicken grease.

Judgement Day

Every person, in some manner deals with judgements. Judgements made by our friends, family and other collective groups of peers and random joe blows.
It's kind of a part of life. And, in that same token, everyone...EVERYONE...At some point, judges other people. Whether it be through a discontentful glance, a stereotypical thought, or what have you.
There's really no escaping it. Even if you just look at someones' cheap tennis shoes and think "oh girl....what are you wearin"

I'm certainly not a stranger to either side of this coin.
I fully admit that I'm a harsh critic of others. And, I also know that often times, I'm critiqued for several different qualities or quirks.
I try to maintain a "I don't really care what other people think of me" type of attitude. However, being in that mindset, is kind of a ...catch 22.
As much as I don't care what people think...I do care. And, I think you'll find that with both people. Ultimately, I'm my own person, and...other peoples' opinions aren't really that important to me. However...I get upset if I learn of someone's negative comments or opinions.
I think its a "i want everyone to like me" syndrome.

For the most part, I dont lose sleep over it. Nor should any one.
However there comes a time when things become difficult to swallow. Especially when friends are involved.

There's sometimes that I don't understand people that maintain silly secrets. It, kind of hurts my feelings to learn that one person will hide something from me, but openly be truthful with someone else over their true actions.
I know that this particular incident involves shame.
And, ultimately I understand not being truthful with someone because of feelings of guilt, or shame.
Noone wants to be looked upon poorly. Especially if its something that's sort of taboo to talk about openly.
Their inner regret, or their feelings of pride have a way of creating a defense mechanism...and instead of just being "real"....they hide things because they don't want to be viewed poorly.

I can admit, that there are things that even I am ashamed of.
Things I probably wouldn't want the people that matter most to know, because of concerns over being looked at poorly.
So, I understand.

But when one friend is privy to information that you as a friend also are not....it becomes a whole other ordeal.

I'm looking at myself and saying ...what about me....isnt trustworthy enough to know the same things as others?

I guess it's a merry-go-round of emotions.
And, you kinda can't help but feel, less than. Or, not as respected. Not as important?

But then again, maybe it's just that the person thinks highly of you, and...doesn't want to expose their shame or guilt to you?

It's a difficult situation, that I'm sort of struggling to comprehend.

Some of the world seems so black and white, while other parts remain lost inbetween that, that ...it's everything but that simple.

It comes back to ....ultimately feeling judged.
I feel, sort of excluded....over something so silly.

And...the uncomfortable part is...I see this same sort of situation (with different details) within several of the friendships and different relationships with people that I know.

It's a giant game. And, it's hard to decipher whether I've become the cat, or the mouse.

I guess I'll never really know. My conclusion is to continue trying to be true to myself. Maintain the ideas and qualities that define me. And, let every one else and their decisions and issues work themselves out.

Sometimes, I get too wrapped up in feelings. I get too offended by the ways of the world.
I think, I take things as personal attacks more often than I should.

Maybe, just maybe...it's not always me.
I need to learn to accept that sometimes, I'm not the problem.

Rules and Regulations.

Throughout the life that I have lived until this moment, (and most peoples' lives in their entirety) there is always a standard.
A certain way that things are supposed to be. A set idea, that mimics what other people seem to strive for, or better yet..what other people *think* they are supposed to try and duplicate as best they can.

Sure, as with all things you have your rebels and outsiders that refuse to join the fray. Those that stand up for themselves, and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. (under reasonable pretenses....usually)

In different aspects of my life, I have found myself on both sides.

Wanting nothing more than to fit in, to replicate myself after other peoples' standards because it seems "the norm". And, wanting nothing more than to be exactly who I am, nothing more and nothing less regardless of who has anything to say or think about my decisions.


I find myself in a situation. Actually, I gind myself in about 139 different mini-situations that have culminated into one rather large mega-situation.
And, my mind has reached a stage of "What is the right thing to do?" "What is supposed to be said or done in this particular instance". and, "Who the fuck makes the rules anyway?"

It breaks down like this:
Not very long ago, I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved. I still love this person, and will love this person in some fashion until my final breath. It was a relationship with alot of problems, and alot of hardships. However, I don't think saying that puts limitations on the raw emotion that was entangled in it.
It was both some of the best, and some of the worst feelings I've ever had.
I've had someone bickering with me, throwing in my face that I was dumped. The phrase,"Left like apiece of parsley on a dinner plate" was used.
I make no attempts to hide this fact. I was indeed dumped, and was indeed left with no option but to move out.
It was a rough moment, and anyone who has ever experienced a major breakup knows that there a definitely some sad times, and some things you'd probably like to take back. I too, hold my fair share of these events.
It has not been easy, though..it has not been the immensely unrecoverable life shattering spectacle everyone may think either.
I do wish that it could've gone differently. But, bygones are bygones and my life is anew.

In this time, I happened to meet a very sweet, very caring guy. However, having just been dumped and having alot of emotional baggage to deal with...timing was not in his favor.
And, as far as I know, the rules state you cannot jump into a relationship with someone right after getting out of one. It will not work, right?
So, over the past whiles we've hung out on limited occasions.

And, I've grown to think very fondly of him.
He is the first person that has ever made me feel like the most important person in the world. And, thats a very nice thing to feel.
But, we've taken things ridiculously slow, because I am still recovering from a bruised heart.

So, I ask, when is it okay to anyone involved, to still love someone else who doesn't want you, and begin to really like someone else that does?

It's the inner war I face. Emotional discardage, fighting the thought that, its too soon to like anyone else.

I've come to the realization that I cannot live up to anyone elses standards. I can't base my decisions on what anyone else believes is proper, or fair. Or, expected.

I can't place restrictions on my life. I can't let things that could turn out well, to pass me by because I'm nursing the fact that I've been hurt before.

I think it's a fact of life. You will ultimately at some point, hurt someone you love. And you will be hurt by someone you love. And, it's how you handle these things that make a difference, not that they happen at all.

I will not place expectations on things like I have before. Nor will I ruin them in my own head because I'm afraid of history repeating.
I have met someone that fits into what I've always looked for in a person. And, it's shitty, to see this person, and think to yourself "if only the timing was better".

So, I trek forward.
If it is not meant to be, it will not.
I refuse to push it forward too quickly just as I refuse to hold it down too long.
My life is mine.
I'm the one who has to live it, and I'm the one whose happiness lies in the background.

I can only hope that everything works out for everyone.
I wish my ex the best of luck. I hope that he finds the person that ignites his soul.
And, I wish that very same for me.

As well as for everyone reading this.

And I strongly suggest that everyone do things for yourself. Throw aside caution. Forget fears of failure. And try to ignore the past that can so easily haunt you. Live your life doing whatever brings you the most opportunities to genuinely smile throughout the day.

I'm going to attempt it as well.

Ta-Ta for now!

Stuck

There's no restrictions towards my insanity.
A walking, robotic calamity.
My chest covers my only amenity.
Fucked up tendencies.
Clouding my sensibilities.
Not even sure if I can pay my own utilities.
Lacking all tranquility.
Sadness; my only stability
Depression seems my only activity
Failure seems my only real ability.
My mind wanders inside it's own captivity.

Faith. Love. and Hope

Per usual, I'm doing everything but that which I should be doing.
While I should be staying up late to finish putting my apartment in order... (All that's left is my bedroom, and it's coming along) Here I am, splattering whatever pointless jibberish I have to contribute to the world.

How very fitting. Me, doing something other than what I should.

I guess I should start with a housing update. I haven't written since the day I got approved for my apartment, and alot of major changes have occurred in that time.

As I wrote, I got my own apartment. I've spent soon to be 12 nights here (after I sleep tonight) and each night seems so distant by the time the middleof the day arrives. I absolutely love my apartment, the complex, the location...everything. However, it hasn't all been a barrel of roses.
With the happiness and the excitement, also comes the sadness, the loneliness and a general feeling of failure. I don't think there's anyway around it. You just have to press through it all. I'll admit to doing a better job than I expected, but that's not saying much.
I decided to allow a good friend of mine to move in with me. Mostly because it'll help me out, but admittedly my not wanting to be completely alone played a huge role in it too. Things are going okay so far. Theres been a few issues, and I'm sure there'll be more on the horizon. So, we'll have to just see how things go in that whole department.

It's strange how things happen.
You find yourself...scared and alone. Feeling trapped, lost, unwanted, unworthy. Etc. And you ultimately start doing things you wouldn't have before.
Thinking differently, acting differently. Welcoming new thoughts and ideas. Even welcoming new people.
This really has changed my life. Completely.
I realize that I'll never be the same. Just as after other relationships or friendships ended my life was permanently altered, so is the case this time.
A more mature outlook, approach and opinion is programmed into your mind, and...also at the same time, you become just a little more vulnerable. A little more angry. A little more afraid.
There's really no clear direction, because your life is torn between excitement and change, and turmoil and regret.

I've been pretty much diving into work, and the move that I haven't really had time to fully express my emotions. Which, is probably the best case scenario...Lord knows when given the chance I can beat a topic into the ground.

I have alot of regrets, and things I'd do differently.Some of which include holding back, and maintaining some pride. I think at the very end I became a monster. Especially towards myself. i shredded my every ounce of dignity. And if anything I'm most ashamed of that.
Sometimes it's sad the things we think we can sacrifice in the name of love.
For my entire life, I've made it a point to place love on some sort of silly pedestal. Brainwashing myself into thinking it's the only thing that matters.
Maybe I watched Titanic, or Moulin Rouge too many times and I just got caught up in the ideas that love conquers everything. (except of course cancer and uh....icebergs)
And, in the name of love I was willing to go on knowing that the person didn't want to be with me. Whether pretending to know it or not.
I'd be a complete lying mess, if I said I didn't care. Or it didn't matter.
Most times I sit here wondering why the hell everything is always so shitty. But, the only way to get through it all, is to tell yourself that everything happens for a reason.

I'd like to think that even if i'm not good enough to ..love or whatever, that at least I can bring a different set of ideas to the table. Even if I change a person in the slightest ways that contribute to them being a better person..then I guess something good comes of the pain.

Though, i don't want to make it look like it's been all raindrops and teary eyed nights. I've had some good times too.

All in all, I'm doing okay. I'm making it.
Strand by strand.
Long night by long night.
Smile by smile.
Moment by moment.


I've found that there are three things people need to be happy in their lives.
Faith. Love. and Hope.

These things never co-exist. At least not often. At least not for me.

A year ago, I had no faith.
Two weeks ago, I had no hope.

Tonight I just feel kinda in the poops.
I know that there are people that love me. Just as there are people whom I love.
That doesn't mean you always feel loved.

I'm still trying to avoid an outburst of emotion.
My friend said "who cares....you don't have anyone to answer to. If you hurt someones' feelings...oh well".
But..that's just the thing.

The only person that will be hurt by how I feel is myself.
I'm back at square one.

How do you learn to love yourself, when it seems like noone else does?

Maybe one day those things won't depend on one another.

Until then, I dive into anything that'll keep me busy. And, I've got alot to do.

Goodnight for now.

*Handshakes. Hugs and Handjobs*