Closer.

I haven't written in quite some time. I can't honestly say whether the delay has been because I've had nothing to say, or whether I've had too much to say and just couldnt strike up the gonads to say what has been on my mind.
In the time prior to, and after my last blog, life seemed to be getting thick. There was a time of difficulty, that left me wondering just how many different pieces my life was going to be broken into.
There was a time when I lost a piece of myself. And I stood in a world with no sense of direction. No knowledge of which way was up, and which way was down.

I'm happy to say that since that time, things have gotten better. And I'm reaching a more peaceful, more confident position in my life.

During my down time from writing, I had a birthday. Normally, when a birthday comes along I've always blogged and written some sort of "this is what im thankful for" or "this is what happened to me" kind of blog.
I chose not to take that route this time.

I'll say that, I didn't have a bad birthday. Nor did I have a great one. I was kinda grumpy, and not feeling well, but I tried to make the best of it all. Alot of uncertainty seemed to be floating around me, it seemed hard to handle.

The older that I get, the more intense my desire to be a better person comes fighting through.

I've made alot of mistakes in my twenty six years. I have more regrets than I'm happy about. I've hurt alot of people along the way. I've failed in alot of areas. I've burnt alot of bridges. I've stood idle in areas that I shouldn't. And I've spent alot of time dwelling on the things I cannot change or cannot control and trying to actually change them or control them, and in turn I've neglected those things that I'm capable of taking charge over.

At this moment, I have a strong yearning to be something different than I've been. Someone that isn't as harsh. Someone that isn't as careless with other people and their feelings. I want to actually take steps towards being peaceful with people. I've devoted so much energy to saying "fuck people. I'm gonna do what i want. Act how I want. Say what I want". And while I'm proud of those things, I'm also ashamed of them.

I think that being true to yourself is one honorable trait. But, being honorable towards others...is also something that shouldn't go unrecognized. And, for whatever reasons...I'm mean to people for no reason.
I'd like to change that.

With that said...I also enjoy being mean to people that piss me off. So, it's a difficult transition. Where exactly in the sand does one draw the line?

I'm not at all claiming that I'm gonna change into this really kind guy overnight. I definitely have a short fuse, and easily get irritated with people. And I'm easily offended. When these things escalate...my initial reaction to unleash my wrath unto people.
I'd be lying if I said that will sudddenly stop.
But, I would like to progress into a person that is more than one dimension.

At this stage in my life, I'm unhappy with where I am. That's also a loaded statement, because I'm very happy with where I am in some areas.
I feel like my relationship is in a much better place than it was for awhile. I think strides are being made that speak in leaps and bounds. With that said, both of us are extremely unhappy with our jobs.
It sucks to be in a place with someone that you love, with both of you struggling with your sanity at work.

I've decided that my goals aren't going to just fall into my lap.
My dreams of being a writer are not going to manifest into reality in front of my eyes, without action.

And I'm tired of being someone that wishes for something, but does nothing in way of achieving it.

There's a better version of me. And I'm on my way towards becoming that Nick.

I just hope to remain focused, and pray that I can keep a positive outlook on things.
My biggest problem is that I tear myself down. And, I guess above all else that's the thing I'd like to change most.