Rock Bottom-ish.

My emotions are out of control right now. I've got so many different feelings rolling around that I...can't even begin to understand what's going on with me.

I'm stonecold sober. Yet I feel like I've been drinking all night. Like, I've just come down from some sort of dramatic night, and all I want to do is sit in front of an entire plate of artery clogging food, and cry myself to sleep.

As I rode in the backseat of a Black and White cab, seat foam ripped out, the door cover on the inside dangling on its last thread, muslim-esque man listening to some radio station that, if I could speak that language...I'm sure said something like..kill americans. drive taxi into building...I had an epiphany.

I am perpetually...miserable.

It wwas one of those nights. Infact, it started when it was still daylight. Through and through...it's just been a horrible fucking day. The worst say ever.
Now, with that said, I'll admit to being one with a flare for dramatics. I'll also abide with the notion that...I tend to exaggerate things.
This was in fact, not the worst day ever. It probably wasn't even in my top 50. But, nonetheless..I don't want to stray any readers from the thought that...this was a really shitty evening for the nick.

And I'm angry. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure I even have a valid reason to be....but that doesn't slow down the rage.

So...what's wrong you ask?

Whats not?!.

Work tonight, was absolutely disheartning. By the time I left after accidently paying someone too much money, and having one of the worst nights ever...it actually cost me money to go to work.
You might ask how that's possible, and if I could logically explain it...I would.

Theres something about work going absolutely awful that makes you think.
And, trust me..when yer alone for hours in a bar... you get alot of thinking time in.

Here's a compilation of things I've determined.

Thursday nights suck. They suck more than tranzy prostitutes. They fucking suck.

People take advantage of me. More than they should. But I deal with it, because in some fucked up way, it makes me feel like theres a place for me. Even if that place lies on the floor, as a doormat/stepping stone for my so called "friends".

I'm never going to be the person I want to be. I'm never going to achieve great things. I'm never going to be anything other than what I have been.

I'm never going to be anything other than the villain. I'm good at being the one thats an asshole. I'm good at being the one that's to blame. I'm good at being the guy that takes the fall. I guess everyones got something.

I'm funny. I'm actually hilarious. But, I rarely get to show that side of me, because I'm always so bitter and angry.

People, have it out for me. I don't even think they know it, but they do. I have this collection of assholes who think that by saying something to me, they're complimenting me, or helping me. When in fact, they're fucking with me. They're making things harder.

I have, the absolute worst luck in the world. It seems that everything that occurs with the ebb and flow of things, gets completely fucked up and goes haywire if I'm even sorta involved.

I need to work in a place where there are absolutely no people. None. Not even one. Just me.

I need to stop hiding behind things. Listing excuses. Finding reasons.

I need to start being truthful with myself. Stop being ashamed of the things that make me who I am. Even if those things don't fit with other peoples ideas of who I should be.

I need to stop being so sad. It's like there's two versions of me. theres the guy that smiles in person, and pretends everything is wonderful, but secretly lives a life of too much concern. And then theres the one that writes. That says what's really going on. The one that shows a side of me other than a raised eyebrow, a curled lip and a dirty look.

I need to stop looking towards other people to boost my esteem. I've always felt like "well...if so and so thinks I'm funny or cute or smart or they like me, or they love me or they this, or they that...then....ill be happy and everything will be okay".
Kind of like...I've based my opinions of myself on what I feel other people think of me.
And, that isn't working. Or, maybe it is, and reality is a taste I haven't yet acquired.

I need to lower my standards. People can't live up to my perfect ideas. I can't live up to my own.

I need to stop drinking. (I also determined that I needed to drink more...I was alone and bored. Alas...I didn't drink more...Though I wanted to)

I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life. I can't stand living here. I hate that so many people know me, and things about me that I feel are different. I hate that people know so many things about my boyfriend, and our relationship...that I feel are different.

I hate that people dont seem to understand me. They don't seem to get me, or agree with me. Or...even grasp where I'm coming from.
It's so hard to take yourself outside of who you are and how you think and feel, and put yourself in someone elses shoes. I know I struggle with that personally...but it's easier to focus on everyone else not understnading you..than you not understanding them.

I hate this person who is leaving me comments. I hate them passionately. They fuck with my psyche. They destroy my thoughts. They invade my mind. And create a world where I get so afraid. I go through the what ifs of a hundred different scenarios.
The only outcome that makes sense is that ...I'm a disaster.

I am a disaster. Completely. Notice that the only good thing I've said is that I'm funny.
That's the only good thing I can think of.

I need to stop hating myself. I think I'm stupid, and a failure, and ugly. I think that noone cares, or noone loves. Noone likes or understands.
I get so hurt over things that alot of people wouldnt notice or wouldn't care about.

I look for someone to prove me wrong. Yet, the only person who should have that responsibility is me.
(maybe I should've gotten drunk...this is tragic.)

I feel like a burden.

With everything that I feel....All my negativity towards myself rolled up into one entity...I feel like...a waste.
I feel like I have so much potential....Yet it turns into nothing because I'm too busy looking to someone else to tell me that I matter.
I've lost track of the ability to prove it to myself.
And therein, lies a very deep rooted problem. That I do not know how to solve.