Every person, in some manner deals with judgements. Judgements made by our friends, family and other collective groups of peers and random joe blows.
It's kind of a part of life. And, in that same token, everyone...EVERYONE...At some point, judges other people. Whether it be through a discontentful glance, a stereotypical thought, or what have you.
There's really no escaping it. Even if you just look at someones' cheap tennis shoes and think "oh girl....what are you wearin"
I'm certainly not a stranger to either side of this coin.
I fully admit that I'm a harsh critic of others. And, I also know that often times, I'm critiqued for several different qualities or quirks.
I try to maintain a "I don't really care what other people think of me" type of attitude. However, being in that mindset, is kind of a ...catch 22.
As much as I don't care what people think...I do care. And, I think you'll find that with both people. Ultimately, I'm my own person, and...other peoples' opinions aren't really that important to me. However...I get upset if I learn of someone's negative comments or opinions.
I think its a "i want everyone to like me" syndrome.
For the most part, I dont lose sleep over it. Nor should any one.
However there comes a time when things become difficult to swallow. Especially when friends are involved.
There's sometimes that I don't understand people that maintain silly secrets. It, kind of hurts my feelings to learn that one person will hide something from me, but openly be truthful with someone else over their true actions.
I know that this particular incident involves shame.
And, ultimately I understand not being truthful with someone because of feelings of guilt, or shame.
Noone wants to be looked upon poorly. Especially if its something that's sort of taboo to talk about openly.
Their inner regret, or their feelings of pride have a way of creating a defense mechanism...and instead of just being "real"....they hide things because they don't want to be viewed poorly.
I can admit, that there are things that even I am ashamed of.
Things I probably wouldn't want the people that matter most to know, because of concerns over being looked at poorly.
So, I understand.
But when one friend is privy to information that you as a friend also are not....it becomes a whole other ordeal.
I'm looking at myself and saying ...what about me....isnt trustworthy enough to know the same things as others?
I guess it's a merry-go-round of emotions.
And, you kinda can't help but feel, less than. Or, not as respected. Not as important?
But then again, maybe it's just that the person thinks highly of you, and...doesn't want to expose their shame or guilt to you?
It's a difficult situation, that I'm sort of struggling to comprehend.
Some of the world seems so black and white, while other parts remain lost inbetween that, that ...it's everything but that simple.
It comes back to ....ultimately feeling judged.
I feel, sort of excluded....over something so silly.
And...the uncomfortable part is...I see this same sort of situation (with different details) within several of the friendships and different relationships with people that I know.
It's a giant game. And, it's hard to decipher whether I've become the cat, or the mouse.
I guess I'll never really know. My conclusion is to continue trying to be true to myself. Maintain the ideas and qualities that define me. And, let every one else and their decisions and issues work themselves out.
Sometimes, I get too wrapped up in feelings. I get too offended by the ways of the world.
I think, I take things as personal attacks more often than I should.
Maybe, just maybe...it's not always me.
I need to learn to accept that sometimes, I'm not the problem.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Judgement Day
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4 comments:
It could also be the moment has never struck, sometimes things have to be said over a bottle of booze, at the right moment, etc etc. Don't take it personal.
Also, I didn't tell my family I was gay for 27 years for fear of what they'd say or do (well not 27 years exactly, I wasn't that gay of a baby).
Anyway, I'm sure Tom from myspace will come around, he loves you *kisses*...lol
It is hard, its sometimes not the trust, but the comfort level. I can say that I am more comfortable with some friends than others, but consider them equally as good of friends, equally trustworthy. I have things I was only able to talk about with one friend, and nobody else, just because the moment was right, and he had been thru similar situations. Turned out he was the wrong one to trust, but thats another story. Don't take any of it personally. Sometimes things are better left unknown or unsaid.
Sometimes things are easier to confide in someone who you will never see again or barely know. Sometimes it's a matter of we can tell things to a person who we feel are of the same kind of moral fiber yet can't say something to someone who we hold in a higher esteem. It's a matter of pride that you don't want the ones who you're close to to know that you're not all smiles and sunshine like you portray. While a person knows that generally his friends will accept him for who he is, he can't handle having that out there because it's a matter of pride. While foolish as that concept sounds, it can be human nature. Don't take it personally. As a matter of fact, if looked at in the right light, it can be taken as a compliment that these people who chose not to confide their darker side of misdeeds and/or immoral thoughts and behaviors are thinking of you as someone of a higher standard quality or standard than themselves. I dunno..just my own screwed up thoughts on the matter.
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