A Change Gon' Come.

In my past, I was one of those people who said and did things that I believed proved that I was a person of my word, and that I would always stand up for myself. I wouldn't let people do or say things that (from my perspective) made me look like a fool, or embarrassed me.
Often times, my actions went without concern for whether or not the people closest to me, would have to deal with the ramifications of those actions.

Alot of times, both now and before...I say or do things that often seem valid, or necessary to my own personal being....without taking into consideration how others will view the people near and dear to me, after my decision is irreversible.

Two things I was known best for, was saying "im bored" or "I hate my life".

Often times, I was bored. And...I still often struggle with the proper ways to feel that my life is of substantial meaning. But, by doing so, the people around me, whom I shared my ups and downs with....were left to question whether it was their fault. Whether it was their failures...and if something they were doing, or not doing were the cause..or the even the effect.
I never fully grasped the damage that these things do to a persons psyche until long after anything was left to salvage.

I spent a long time, after "the" breakup trying to figure out who I was. What I wanted, What was going to make me happy. Unfortunately, shortly after the search began...I find myself only searching at the bottom of a bottle.
And, for longer than I'm proud, I had a very severe drinking problem.
People might say "oh you didnt drink everyday" or "you didnt drink at home".
And, the fact is I never had one of those life altering drunk moments where I had to choose between life and death, or anything like that.
I mentioned that "I have a drinking problem" and people looked at me like.."you're 22(23, 24) ...you're supposed to be this way".
The fact was...I drank to escape my problems.
I'm the kind of person that, cracks under pressure. Mostly that which is placed upon me by myself.
Maybe it's because I have this underlying issue...that reminds me that everything I do is the wrong thing to do. Every decision is bad. Every mistake is the end of the world.

I stopped drinking, for an extended period of time. And, a bit of clarity came to me.
When something is bothering you, deal with it. Don't bury it.
It will undoubtedly become unburied as soon as you have your 13th shot of Jose Cuervo. And, by the time it's all said and done, You're crying over things that have no bearing on anything that you're currently dealing with.

When I get sad, or angry. Or even slightly irked, one of my initial feelings is "god..I need a drink". Maybe I feel like I need the liquid courage, because I have some underlying issue of handling my problems on my own. Without the help of anyone.

It's something that I'd like to change completely...not just half way. Or, 1/4th or whatever percentage it might actually be.

...
Things are difficult for me right now. I've been feeling incredibly down on myself. And when you feel down on yourself, you feel down on everything. Everyone. Every little thing I do that doesn't work out perfectly, I tear myself down about.
My inner turmoil needs some work.
I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been able to write, and maybe my outlet being plugged up is creating some kind of overflow into everything, or what.

I take things so hard, and personal even when I know they aren't intended to be so. And it gets to be a bit hard to handle.

The other night I was drunk. And fighting with my signif (im creating a new word here....use it) and after it was done..I sat there for awhile...silent. After a few minutes, I unleashed this behemoth array of complete.....emotional breakdown.
I prayed for things to happen to myself, that..people get locked up for. (lol)

When I awoke the next day I felt ashamed of myself. Noone had heard my pleads, other than myself and God, or..whoever you believe in. But, all I could think of is the people that I love. And, while incredibly ridiculous to have even done, drunken or not....How is that kind of request fair to anyone?
Especially when it's not what I want.

I want to make the decision to stop drinking. But, I also know that I work in a bar. That's near impossible. And, I don't want to be that guy that makes a promise to himself, and breaks it. Again.
I don't want to feel like I've failed people, or myself. I don't wanna feel like, once again..I can't do the things I say I can.
So it's a difficult spot.

I guess I just want to advise people of this.

Always, try to think of someone else in your decisions. Nothing that one single person does, only affects that one single person.
Every single thing you do, every single thing you say, in some way, shape or form....affects another person. I've been on both ends, and it's just as bad to know that something you've said or done has hurt someone, as it is to be the one that gets hurt.

And that goes for the moments that you're with people...and the ones when you're alone.
As much as people say "its my life" or "i gotta look out for me"....the truth is...it's not just your life.
It's not just mine.
It's not just that crazy peeping tom guy across the street that you're convinced masterbates into his own daughters' underwears' life.

This kinda went a little further than I intended... but the point is simple.

If you say "im bored" . Someone next to you might think "oh god..im boring". If you say "i hate my life"..someone next to you might think "god..im ruining his/her life"
It's all connected. Everyones' insecurites, to everyones' imperfections.

I know, that personally I have alot of things that I need to change, to give not only myself, but the people I love and care about a better chance to live the best life possible.

I think it all starts with ...thinking about other people...just a liiiiiiiiittle bit more than we, as people...do.

(Sorry for the weird, pro-being nice to people thing...I'm not feeling mean and hateful today)

(With that, I want to end by saying..I have someone who is leaving nasty hateful comments on my blog. It's happened before...I'm dealing with it again. Instead of combating it like I normally would, I'm going to take a different approach. Part of me wanting a better life, includes me being a better person...filled with something other than anger and rage.)
(With that said.....Fuck you. To whoever it is.)
*smooches*

Two Hundred Q's.

200. My middle name is:Vincent
199. I was born in:Toledo Hospital
198. I am really:a neurotic, scared mess.
197. My cell phone company is:Verizon
196. My eye color is:Brown.
195. What was the last picture you took?I’m not big on pictures. I don’t like them being taken of me, therefore I find it appropriate that I don’t go trying to snap pics of someone else. I…know how annoying it is.
194. My ring size is:I guess that depends on which figure yer asking about. How about this one.
*raises middle finger*
193. My height is:5'11- 6ft. (somewhere in that vicinity)
192. i am allergic to?codiene. (It won’t kill me, just make me feel like death)
191. I was born:on May 4th 1982.
190. I am annoyed by:A lot of things. Most things, actually.
189. Last book you read:The first book in Stephen Kings’ “Dark Tower” series. “The Gunslinger”.
188. My bed is:In storage. We sleep on P’s.
187: One thing you hate about yourself:
That I’m never happy with anything.

186. Which of your fingers would you chop off first? Assuming you had to of course.Generally I’d say the ring finger…but then there’d be a big gap. I think the pinky wins (or…loses in this case) just for general appearance purposes.
185. Would you make out with one of your cousins if no one would ever find out about it?No.
184. If you could have lunch with any living celebrity, which would you choose?
Fiona Apple. Hands down.
183. What is the last thing you'd expect your dad to say to you?I’m going to cut off my weiner, and join a traveling tranzy circus show.
182. What is the last thing you'd expect your mom to say?
Anything admitting remorse, regret, or guilt.
181. Ever been to the driving range?Is that a golf thing? I like Golden Tee.
180. What is your favorite type of sandwich?Uh…I’m not really a lunch-meat kinda guy. I do love me some P. B and J, though.
179. My favorite holiday is:Halloween is fun, but..I like getting gifts more. Jesus Day wins.
177. The last cd I bought was?Mozella. Off of Ebay. Love her.
176. Have you ever climbed a mountain?
No. Nor do I have any desire to do so.
175. Are you living at home?My significant other and I live together. It’s home.
174. Do you have any siblings:I have three sisters. And they’re hella cute.
173. Are your parents divorcedYes.
172. What song are you listening to?Linda Perrys’ “Success” is playing on I-Tunes.
171. What's your favorite line in it?”Will success fail me…Will it make me free”
170. What did you do today:I haven’t done anything yet.

169. When did you start this questionnaire?7:04 a.m. And, I’m about to pause to go back to sleep. lol

168. What should you have been doing instead of this?Sleeping. It’s a beautiful thing.
167. How old are your parents?My dad turned 50 in August. I think that makes my mom 45ish. I’m not sure. We’re not exactly close.
166. What is a phrase you constantly say that doesn't make any sense?I don’t typically say things that don’t make sense. A lot of people ask “what exactly is a douchewaffle?” My response.. “you”.
165. Have you ever quit a job?
I quit working with my dad because he was smoking crack.
I quit working at Caesars because the manager at the time was a nutjob.
I was hired at Taco Bell when I was like 19, though…I never actually started.
164. When's the last time you sneezed?I’m not exactly sure. I’ll hafta get back to you on this one. After I check my sneeze log book that I keep.
163. What is your stance on facial hair?I’m neither for it, nor against it. It’s just alright for me. Though, I think I personally am cuter with a little of it.
162. Is there a word that makes you cringe?Not particularly…
161. How are you at algebra?About as good as I am at shooting gold out of my asshole.


160. Now what song is playing?
Mandy Moores’ cover of “Umbrella” (Ella…ella…ella…aye..aye.)
159. Are you physically fit?I’m not in top shape that’s for sure. But, I’m not disgusting either. I’m just alright I guess.
158. Which one of your friends would you never let meet your parents?I don’t even have an answer to this.
157. Anything hurting at the moment?Something is always hurting on me. I think I’m dying.
156. What are you currently happy about? Not something that you're always happy about, something recent...I don’t think I’m currently happy about anything inparticular. I’m not really that kinda guy.
155. Do you have a crush?
Nah. I have someone I wuv.
154. Have you ever been a victim of identity theft?Hell no, who would want to be me, I’m a mess.
153. Would you like to see a bald eagle with a beard?No. But a mullet would be hot.

152. What's the most fragrant thing around you?
Uh…

151. What did you last have for dinner?Rallys. (yesterday)
150. 50 down, how ya doing?Blah. I’m 50 questions into it, and it’s taken me 2 days. And, I hafta stop soon to go to work. I really don’t have time for this. *shrug*
149. I know you watch it, so what is the title of the last porn vid you watched?I don’t really do porn. Occasionally some random stuff on Xtube. But its rare.
148. Which one of your friends has the coolest name?
I like Prestons’ name. And Shelbys’.
147. What's the last thing you built?I put together a shelf-y thingy that goes over the toilet. Our bathroom is the size of my elbow, so we needed something in there to put things on.
146. What's the oddest smell you like?Uhh…. I don’t know? Occasionally gasoline. I’m not crazy about it, but if I spill it on my fingers, I tend to repeatedly smell them. Lol.
145. What was the last package you received?I got some stuff from Old Navy and the Gap today. Yay.
144. Have you ever opened someone else's mail?Not that I know of..Well…wait..I think I got a x-mas card sent to my house one year a few years ago. I was broke….You do the math. There was no money. L. I tend to just throw away mail if it’s the wrong address.
143. Have you ever sent someone a message or note that said "143"?What does that even mean? No..No I haven’t.::
I Believe In:::142. Love at first sight:Nope. It’s lust. Love takes time. A lot of it.
141. Good Luck:I believe it exists. Though, not so much for me.
140. Fate:This one is tricky. I believe there are some things that are pre-determined. I also believe you can change things… So..who fuckin knows.
139. Yourself:I know that I exist. But, I don’t have faith in myself. I tend to fuck things up.
138. Aliens:Ehhh…I don’t think about it much. It’s silly to think we’re the only ones. But it’s silly to think there’s one eyed guys with special powers and shit living on some planet 3 galaxies from here.
137. Heaven
I do believe in some sort of “perfect place” kinda ideal…where the good hearted people go. I don’t know if it’s one specific place…or, if everyone kinda has their own.. It’s a toughy.
136. Hell:Kinda part of the package deal of believing in heaven. The problem lies in….what makes you a bad enough, or good enough person to end up in either place.
135. Ghosts:I do believe in ghosts. And, they do scare the living shit out of me.
134. Horoscopes:I believe that when you were born does affect some of your personality traits. That’s about it.
133. Soul mates:I don’t think there is that ONE person that you’re destined to be with…no.:::
Which is Better:::132. Cat or Dog?I’m an equal opportunity pet lover.
131. Hotmail or Hot Males?hahaha. I do appreciate a hot male.
130. This or That?The other.
129. Hugs or Kisses:I like hugs. But I like kissing more.

128. Fire or Ice?Uh…I don’t prefer one over the other.
127. Phone or Online:Online. I’m an internet junkie for sure.
126. Chicks or Pups?wtf?
125. Blondes or Brunettes:Im not really into the blonde thing. It’s so …predicatable.
124. Hot or cold:I’d rather be a little cold, than a little hot.
123. Summer or winter:I’d rather be a little cold, than a little hot.
122. Fall or Spring:Fall. Theres too much rain in the spring, and that’s bad for the bottoms of mah jeans.
121. Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla.
120. Night or Day:Night. Sunlight is not cool.
119. Oranges or Apples:Apples. They’re tasty.
118. Curly or Straight hair?
It’s not really an issue either way.
117. How many showers do you take a day?
Typically one. But, two happens quite often.

Thoughts on...116. Abortion:I’m against abortion as a form of birth control. There are exceptions for health concerns, and certain situations. But, don’t be irresponsible, not wrap it up, then think you should be able to coat hanger an unborn baby just because you aren’t ready for kids. It’s a risk you take. Kinda like herpes.
115. Backstabbers:Everyone does it at some point. It’s a dog eat dog world.
114. Have you ever had any unusual food?Nope. I’m a picky eater.
113. Seen a grown man naked?Many –a-time.
112. Heard the wolf cry to a blue corn moon?
I’m not in Nebraska.
111. ...or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?If I see a bobcat..I doubt we’ll be talking much. Or grinning.
110. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains??Sure. *smokes more crack*
109. Sorry. Ok, have you ever eaten a live insect?Not to my knowledge. But it seems likely that it’s occurred at some point.
108. Tried to drink a gallon of milk?No, I have better things to do. Like eating whole tubs of butter. Guzzing containers of syrup. Milk is so 2006.
107. Did you regret that?
I regret your mom.
106. Fired an automatic weapon?Never have. Prolly never will.

105. aswnerd an queston that lookked lyk dis?I have now.
104. Contemplated suicide during the taking of this quiz?Not so much.
103. Nailed a hot board?Uhm…I don’t think I get it. I’d like to get nailed. I’m horny.
102. Piled into a bed with 4 of your closest friends?Yeah. It’s happened.
101. Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile:I seen one of my sisters last night.
100. Cried in front of someone:I cry a lot. It’s what I do.:::Friends:::

99. Do you think any of your friends are still reading this?I’m not so sure I have any friends left. Just strangers in the night.(Sinatra is playing)
98. Which of your friends have passed out in your front or back yard?None as of yet. But I won’t rule it out in the future.
97. Which one of your friends have you known the longest?Dj Tommie. And Hankee.
96. Have any of your friends ever made art of/for you?I have a Tori drawing from Jaymes. A Chinese painting from Jaymes. A happy gay lion from Sharon. And two random paintings from Chris S. <3
95. What is the next event you are looking forward to with your friends?Front row tickets to the Lion King baby.
94. Name a song, and a friend it makes you think of?Candlelight by Imogen Heap. It makes me think of two friends actually. Angie and Ashley.
93. Find something nearby that a friend has given you and tell us about it:I see the entire “Muse” collection. Richard burnt it all for me. I loves me some Richard. And some Muse.
92. Who's the last friend (non sig-other/hookup) to sleep in your bed?Grant.
91. Any friend you haven't seen in a while?
I never see any of my friends. *sad face*
90. Who is the ditziest person you know:Grant. By far.
89. Who makes you laugh the most:I make myself laugh more than anyone else does. But T-Pussy makes me laugh. So does P-Ton.
88. Who makes you laugh the least?
Shiny pants. He irritates me.

:::Movies:::87. The last movie I saw:
Uh…Stardust. It was weird.
86. Worst movie you've seen that other people like?Dancer in the Dark. I hated that shit.
85. Best movie for making out to?Eh…anytime is a good time when it comes to making out/fornication.
84. Worst turnout in a theater?Do I look like ebert and roper? Wtf?
83. Last movie you recommended someone not see?The Golden Compass. Not because it wasn’t good. (it was a like a B) but, because I don’t think a lot of people are aware that it’s a trilogy. No closure. Ugh.
:::Random:::82. What I don't understand is:the makings of myself.
81. What was the last thing you said to your significant other/crush?
It probably wasn’t nice. We were fighting. *sad face*
80. Where were you on September 11th?I was having early morning fornications. I got up, opened the door, and Sharon was on the other side crying. Saying that World War III had just started. … lol.

Did you answer as if I was asking about 2001?Well…yeah.
78. What is 120894-8422? No calculators...112472 (no calculator) (but…I didn’t do the math…I just kept Devins answer there. I cheat)
77. I have never eaten :?.
My own head.
76. Something I always really miss is:Feeling like I fit in with a special group of friends. I’m kinda…without that now.
75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most:Making an impact. Somehow. To someone.
74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is:Going back to my old work schedule. I’ll be broke again. *sad face*

73. Tomorrow:is Friday. And I work.
72. Today:
Is Thursday. And I work.
71. Next Summer:is next summer. And I’m sure I’ll hafta work at some point.
70. Next Weekend:Is Phillips birthday.
69. Next Year:Ugh…this is getting aggravating.
68. Last year:*middle finger*
67. People call me:a lot of things. They’re rarely compliments.
66. Pick something in the room with you and tell the story behind it:My wallet. It’s on the desk. I originally bought It for this boy I was seeing. I ended it, and kept it wrapped for like a year. Finally, my wallet was coming apart, and I was like..fuck it. Merry X-Mas to me.
65. What's the closest patriotic item to you?Prestons’ Air Force One model plane.
64. What are your views on dandruff?It’s kinda weird. I’ve never had to deal with it.
63. Are you scared of clowns?I’m not scared of them. Nor do they bring me joy.
62. Do you know anyone that says "are you ascared?"?Not that I can think of. I’m sure someone does.
61. What about "I'm just sayin'?"I say that. So does Preston.
60. The most difficult thing to do is:Trust people, after you’ve been dicked over.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket:I’ve had a few.
58. Do you have any bad tattoos?I don’t have any. I’d like one though.
57. What's the nicest hotel you have ever stayed in?I don’t think I’ve ever really stayed in a nice one. The one in Chicago when I had my audition with the Big Brother people was probably the best thus far.
56. Ever seen a car accident?Nope. Been in a few. Minor ones though. *thanks the lawd*
55. The first person i talked to today was:Aaron. He called to tell me might be moving back. He lives in Boston now. It’s been foreeeever.
54. First time you had a crush:My first boy crush was one of my aunts’ husbands. She told a story when they were fighting, how he liked her to stick things in his butt. I was like “eww that’s gross”, but thinking..”hmm…we need to hang out”.

53. The one person who i can't hide things from:I don’t hide things. I’m a pretty open person. I mean, to an extent.
52. Last time someone said something you were thinking:People don’t usually say what I’m thinking. I’m meaner than most.
51. What is the last thing you framed?Oh god…I can’t even think of anything. Probably a picture of Fiona Apple or something.
50. What is your dream job?
I already write. I just want to get paid for it someday.
49. First real job?I worked in my dads’ drywall company for four years. I was butch.
48. I have/will get a job:I have one. They just don’t give the hours they should. It’s not who ya know, it’s who ya blow. And I’m not blowing anyone. (well..im blowin someone…but not from work)4
7. I have these pets:Paco, (my Chihuahua) Special Shoutouts to “mousie”, “Grrrraham”, and Leo-nardo

46. I wish:life didn’t involve so much struggle.

45. The worst sound in the world:This guy that comes to the bar. They call him Mickey Mouse. He’s older, fat, and talks in this high pitch. Then he gets wasted, and occasionally you’ll hear his real voice, and yer like..”wtf….thats WAY less irritating”.
44. The person that makes me cry the most is:Myself. I get thinking…and then I beat myself up mentally. I’m a mess sometimes.
43. Best sound in the world:”I love you”.
42. What do you think about the gays?They’re alright. The real question is, How many jews can fit in an oven.
41. Do you like video games?I’m one of those people that play video games for that long, storyline. Give me some Final Fantasy, and I’m happy.

40. If you are drinking something currently, what are you drinking it from?Smart Water. From the bottle. (it doesn’t make you smarter)
39. Something that makes you happy:Celery.
38. What's the last thing to startle you?I was sleeping the other day…and woke up because of this loud bang. I look around, and bam….the closet rod fell down…all our clothes..on the floor. Blah. Scared the shit outta me.
37. Anything amusing nearby?No, not really.
36. How do you like sneezes?I can’t say that I enjoy them. They’re kinda weird.
35. Florida or Hawaii:I’d prefer to drown, rather than to die from volcanic ash.
34. What are your views on the war It’s a “who has the bigger dick” contest. I don’t know who does, but I know we have the bigger asshole.
33. My favorite piece of clothing:I don’t have one. I like a lot of my clothes.
32. You're surrounded by aborigines, what would you like to have handy?um…I guess that depends on what they’re surrounding me for. Are they gonna hurt me, or worship me.
31. Last time I cried:Was last night. Twice. For completely unrelated reasons.
30. My friends are:pretty distant right now.
29. My computer is:I use Prestons.
28. The school I go to is:Where I met your motha.
27. Last person I got mad at is:Preston. Lol.
26. Boring questions are:quite frequent in this survey.
25. How many times have you thought about giving up?I’ve given it up a lot. Er..oh, the survey? A few. But I’m no quitter.
24. Croutons?I don’t need them, but I’ll eat em if they’re there.

23. What is an albatross? Answer in a rhyme, don't copy the person before you
This makes me want to cut out my eyeballs and throw them down the hallway.
So totally gay.
22.The all-time best movie is:American Beauty.
21. The all-time best feeling in the world is:The moment you orgasm.
20. The all-time greatest failure is?not believing in yourself.
19. What are you immediate plans following this questionnaire?I’ll be getting in the shower for work.
18. Do you know anyone born on the 18th of any month?A few. Indeed.
17. I lose all respect for people who:Lie.
16. The movie I cried at was:I cry at everything.
15. Have you seen any good bumper stickers lately?No. I don’t really pay attention to that much.
14. TV channels you watch:Bravo. The locals. MTV. Sci-Fi (cuz of P-ton)
13. Favorite web site:myspace. I refresh about every 3 minutes.
12. I like/love:I like feeling loved.
11. The worst pain I was ever in was:When I cracked a rib. Recovered for two weeks (it wasn’t easy) then,…immediately cracked the other side.
10. My favorite word isDouchewaffle.
9. My room is:too small. I can’t wait til we get a bigger place.
8. My favorite celebrity is:Fiona Apple. And..I reeeally love Amy Poehler. And Tina Fey.
7. Are there any phrases you'd like to use more often?
Fuck me.
6. Now that you're almost done, how long has this taken you?Three different days. I got shit to do.
5. My weakness is:a sad story.
4. What I like/first notice about the opposite sex is?If they’re pretty.
3. Who broke your heart:
That’s a tit-for-tat kinda game. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt. It happens.
2. One thing that makes you feel great is:having sex. I’m addicted. It’s a good time. Get offa me. Or…in me. Something. Hahahaha.
1. The one person that you wish you could see right now:I miss my grandmother with every single day. She invented unconditional love. I miss her.

Life = Shit, or Shit = Life?

Do you ever get in those moods where you just realize that, ...everything you seem to touch in life....turns to shit?

Maybe I'm just reeling from the after effects of having had a hard Saturday-Wednesday, and my emotions are at a high. I'm not sure.

Last night, I went in to work. And, some things that don't please me have occured. And it's set me in this mental journey I'm currently taking in the early portion of the day, when I really should just be sleeping.

When do you know whether life has become a product of who you are, or if you have become a product of life?


Am I angry because I feel my life is shitty, or is my life shitty...because I'm angry?


I'm in one of those moods where I'm reflecting on everything.

I feel like,... I'm stuck somewhere. Unable to really go forward and backward because I'm too busy being upset at where I am, to even think about a solution.

I feel like, (per usual) work has shat upon me. It's become less of a "what did they do this time" and more of a "why dont I learn that the right thing, is never going to be done."
People work shifts they shouldn't because they're in with the right guy. Or because they're in with the guy who is in with the right guy. All the while, I kinda sit there working horrible hours. Basically told in an unspoken way "you're pretty much the last guy on the list. but..we love you".
All the while, according the good ol' seniority rule....I should be working Thursday. Friday. Saturday. and Sunday nights. (at least).
Alas, that is not the case, and I'm learning that the right thing, is also the only thing that does not, can not, and will not happen.

It makes you miserable. You walk into work and yer like "oh....yep. Utterly unappreciated....oh well...lets smile anyway!"
I'm not that way. I'm not the "push yer cares aside and put on a happy face" kinda guy. My cares show in my face. And, right now I wouldn't call much about them happy.
It's a good ol' "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" concept. Only it feels more like a "You claw my eyes out, and I blog about my discontent".

I love my job. I love my coworkers, etc.
But I do not love the bullshit politics that are at play. It's a game that shouldn't be played. And it's at the expense of my morale. My feelings.
Though, from day one those haven't been a major consideration anyway. So, why should I be surprised?

--
I miss my friends. Or whatever they are now.
I feel worlds apart from everyone. They're off enjoying the high road through the nose, and I sit alone. I don't talk to anyone, I don't hang out with them.
Have we grown up, and apart so much that our existence is no longer in unison?

And, whose shoulders does the blame fall on.
Did I abandon them, when I fell in love?
Did I put my desire to feel that, ahead of our friendship? And, after having been in my own world.....turned to look back and find them gone?
I'm not sure.

I live with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I love him on levels that are completely different than anything I've experienced. I learn each day. I change everyday. I become a different person....everyday.
But I miss having those people that used to know who I was.
I miss having the random pointless conversations. I miss talking with one another...wondering if we were always gonna be alone.....or if our cats would eat our fingers or toes first.

Now that I'm in a relationship...I find that now I miss the things that I had, when I thought I had nothing.

Maybe I'm never content. Maybe I need my cake, and ice cream and candy, and french fries, and triple mocha coffee colada, and be able to eat it all too.


I've been down on myself lately. I've always kinda been this way. (no kindas about it...I've always been critical of myself in an overly critical way)
I guess I associate struggle with failure. And, I always seem to struggle..So I always seem to fail.
Then I get thinking...I...AM a failure.

People never want to hear you say that. They think yer being over dramatic, or seeking attention...or not giving yourself credit. Or whatever.
But, the fact is...I've failed either now, or at some point, in every aspect of my life.
It could be said that...everyone goes through that. It's a part of life and "what really matters is that you grow from that and blah blah fucking motherfucking blah"

I haven't grown from anything. Except one smaller failure into one slightly bigger, and then slightly bigger. And so on.

I look at the things that matter most to me.


Love.
I'm in love. And I'm loved. But, I'm pretty much the hardest person to love, in the entire world. Aside from someone who chops up his own family members and then eats them. I'm erratic, neurotic, psychotic, paranoid, and ...everything relatable.
I make things difficult, I take the hard road.
I dwell on things so much, that I take one small thing, and convince myself its a small thing in wave of a bigger thing. I travel down mental roads of possibilities that I create in my brain...and then I act upon them...as if it's not all just me predicting something thats happened or gonna happen, beforehand.
I crucify people.
I say I forgive and I forget. But, I'm not so sure I really know how to do either of the two.
I constantly expect the worst. And, when you're always looking over your shoulder for something bad, you're never really lookin forward and whats good.
I'm so worried about getting hurt again, that I end up causing hurt.
And I hate myself for it.
I hate the way I am.The way I think. The way I react.
I wish I was different. Anything. Anyone.
Just not the me I am.

Writing:
It's all I want. To make a name for myself based upon the words that come out of me.
It's what I want to do for fun, and for work. It makes me happy, it makes me sad. It inspires me.
It's the only way I've ever found, that I can use that makes a mark on this world. It's the only thing I've ever felt powerful through.
Yet, I sit on silent paragraphs.
I spend time talking about writing. But none actually doing so.
Maybe that's why I feel so ....unaccomplished.
The only thing I've ever really felt good at.....I'm not doing.
I haven't been able to...I've been blocked. Maybe I'm just blocking myself subconciously. I don't know.
But when your creativity is your sword. And yer suddenly with bare hands....you become a lost soldier in a world of wars.
I've lost something. I don't know how to regain it.

Money:
(I have none) (or...not enough)


I go through these horrible onslaughts towards myself. I get so angry with myself, that it turns into shame. And...sadness.
I start hating myself, then I get sad that I feel so badly about myself.

I know, that somewhere, deep down...I'm probably a good person. I'm probably not the worlds' enemy. And I'm probably not the biggest failure in the world.
I know, that..I'm probably not as ugly as I think I am.
I know, that someone probably loves me more than I tell myself they do.
I know, that people probably care about me, more than it seems.

I know, that I'm probably more talented than I'll ever give myself credit for.

But theres days like today, when I just want to agree with myself. I want to say "yes....you are a giant screw up. And you always will be...now get drunk and dont stop drinking until you're so drunk that you
re huddled in a corner somewhere, balling your eyes out...snot drippin everywhere... having lost your phone, broke your glasses, made a general ass of yourself, then you freak out, start throwing things...bruise yerself all up, then start telling everyone that you want to die....wake up with a giant hangover and realize what a giant douchebag yer being..and snap the fuck out of it, asshole."

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with negativity.
I'm in major need of something good.
Something to make me feel important.

I want to feel.... like I bring something good.
Instead of always feelings like someone who does nothing but fuck everything up.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

As I sit here, trying not to drive myself any crazier than I already feel......a few random things entered my mind.


A) Why don't more people know that Barack Obamas' middle name is Hussein. I learned this yesterday. You'd think the "rhymes with Osama and says Hussein" shit would be everywhere.

B) What do people that were born on the extra day during a leap year do during the other years. The actual date of their birthday only comes along once every four years. I think they should be given some kinda hallway pass, or Get out Turning 40 Free Card. No Birthday. No Aging. That's how I see it.

C) Why do we call a "W" a "double u" and not a "double v"?

D) Why is Barbara Walters allowed to say the word "vagina" on the view? It freaks me out. She has that speech impediment thing...and..its already a frightening word.

E)Why do people often read the last page of a book first? Not only is it with the idea if knowing how it ends, and ruining the whole thing...but....more often that not, the last page of the book is one of the worst pages. You really gotta read like the 4th from last to get the good stuff.

F) Am I the only person that not only sorts their cd collection alphabetically, but my order of release too? I feel it's really the only logical format...but...then I feel its entirely too anal...

G)Why do people online type so ignorantly. How hard is it, to imagine yourself talking...and just type the words you would say. ?! You cant cut out the supporting words in a sentence, and expect someone of reasonable intelligence to deal with yer idiocrisy.

H) Why do i bother with these stupid blogs, that are only my way of keeping myself occupied, so I don't write what I really feel, when I'll end up doing it anyway after I've become more reasonable, and less irritated at myself.


haha...I had more before I started this...but I've managed to forget them. And, I'm getting bored with the internet. So...I'm done.

I actually have a more serious blog that I started a few days ago that I'll prolly be posting within the next day or two...I just needed a slight distraction. Something to keep my thoughts away from anything serious and important.

I need to take a chill pill. I'm too ........something that isn't chilled.

Speaking of Drags.

Last night, I had to work at The Warehouse. (Like I do every Wednesday)
It was one of those horrible nights where you keep telling yourself.. " a large group of people will be in aaaaaany minute now". That minute never comes, and you spent all night wishing you'd called off, or a power outtage or something would've come.

Every Wednesday, theres a drag show. Last night, one of the "higher ups" from Uptown was booked in the show. Along with said "higher up" came a follower, and a "lower down" that also performs there. Apparently, someone who has been doing drag for 10+ years, needs someone whose been doing it for 5 or so, to walk around holding up her dress.
Well...long story short, the "lower down" was stupid enough to leave some cd's and an MP3 player in his car in downtown toledo at night. Soooo it got broken into and the items were stolen. This bulletin was posted on Myspace.

" Sabotage on Dakota Desmond or some random CRACK HEAD Body: As you all know in the gay community that there have been a couple of un favorable events that have taken place at a particular bar in downtown Toledo. First I would like to start with the well known fight that left someone bloody and hospitalized. Not only was this a regular fight but the perpetrators had on BRASS KNUCKLES from what I was told. Secondly at this bar there are gay men who REFUSE to keep their hands off of people who dont want to be touched. That incident almost ended up bloody. Thirdly , my car was broken into and the items that were stolen were, tanning lotion, a CD case, and a 200 dollar MP3 player. I will not be accepting any bookings at Warehouse in downtown Toledo after tonight. I am posting this bulletin not only to warn you but to offer you a reward for anyone that finds my CD case with CDs in it. The case is black and green with grey edging. It is fairly new and isnt very dirty or used. Anyone that finds it please call me at 419 360 2493 and you will be rewarded. I am sorry to the owners and to the performers and patrons that wish to perform and attend this bar. My intent is not to bash and is not ruin business but there is no safe place to go downtown anymore. Thanks,DDR"


Now....Being as I'm employed there, I feel the need to shed a small glimmer of light on the things the "lower down" failed to mention.
First off, The fight that left someone hospitalized was my friend. I <3> There are lots of discrepencies in the story. He was attacked at not one, but two bars. And, most people are saying the purchase of drugs was involved. So...I mean.....You play with matches...Etc.etc.
Second of all.....The overly feely guy was kicked out, and is being sued. However, you're going to have pervy feely people no matter where you go. Whats the difference in a man grabbing at another man, or a man right down the street grabbin someones fake titties, and wanting to fuck her in the butt with her drag makeup still on?

Bars, are the most notorious places for fights. Thus why they came up with this idea for security guards, and bouncers.
You don't boycott Uptown everytime someone gets pushed down the stairs.
Several years ago, someone walked into Caesars, and started stabbing people.
I'd rather be punched in the face with brass knuckles, than stabbed in the neck. Wouldnt you? But, theres no boycott on that. Fights happen in bars. Everywhere.

Now, the funny thing...is trying to make your cd case, and your MP3 player, sound as important as someones physical safety. If it was so dangerous, why did you come down in the first place? And..knowing how life threatning it is...wouldn't you have kept your ever so important tanning lotion on your person, in case something were to happen.
The fact is, everyone...EVERYONE, who lives in Toledo and goes to the gay bars downtown, knows...that if you have something important (such as tanning lotion.... *snicker*) you don't leave it in your fucking car. Of course it's gonna get broken into and stolen.
I've seen cars get broken into for the the pennies (literally) in the car ashtray. There are hustlers and homeless folk a go-go downtown. You know this beforehand. So, take responsibility for your own ignorant moves. But that shit in your "murse" and bring it in with you. Put it in the trunk. Or....DONT FUCKING COME OUT. Last I checked, noones was beating down Dakota Roses' door saying "please...come to warehouse...we need your talent surrounding us".

To say you aren't accepting bookings, is funny...because you aren't being offered any bookings.... (because (and this is my personal opinion) you are horrible.) And...I think its hilarious that anyone can dare compare getting their tanning lotion and cds, to someone getting attacked, and needing facial reconstructive surgery.
Get over yourself.
MAybe if your head wasn't so far up your fat ass, you woulda thought for ooooone second. "hey.....i should bring my valubales inside. I know this place is known for such horrible things". So, if you're going to boycott things that are dangerous, I suggest you boycott your own brain.
It sure fucked you, and got your shit stolen.

Sucks to be you.

There's no need to be a punk bitch about it.
(This blog is soley MY opinion and does not in any way reflect the opinion of the bar or any other employees)

Oh by the way...the gloss on yer lips is out of control.

Here's to hoping some shady fag reads this, and sends it to Dakota Rose.

*rubs tanning lotion all over body*

Introspection

Every ounce of me, is spent waging wars and preaching peace.
I cannot stand firm against all the things that fuel the deepest fears within me.
I am fragile, my attempts are futile. My goals are far stretched.

The ideas of who I am, who I've been and who I want to become have merged into one thought.

That thought has festered inside of me. Like a burden birthed unto my shoulders. It has taken over and become something so strong within me that I cannot think or speak.
I cannot hear or feel.

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.
Or maybe I've finally found myself, and it's not who I wanted to become.

I have become a human sacrifice. Giving up parts of myself, that expose a wound within.

Parts of me I try to hide, but can't.
Cuts that bleed my pride.

I drown myself with faults.
I know my rank.
A number two in a world of ones.

A Bit All Over the Place.

It's not very often that I talk of gay rights and what nots.
I'm not one of those fags who needs gay marriage to be legalized. I don't think that marriage should be an easy thing to obtain. Gay or straight.
It seems that so much in our society in regards to relationships, is measured by children, and marriage. And possessions.
Something that seems so important to the majority of the country... "protect marriage...vote no to gay marriage"...shouldn't be so easy to obtain.
A man in prison, can marry a crack head prostitute, without having ever touched her. Two people can go downtown, sign a form, pay 30 dollars and boom.
That doesn't seem sacred.
To me, it's never been a real issue. I know that those for gay marriage, claim it's about benefits and blah blah blah.
I don't really believe that. I don't think we actually care...as much as we just don't want to feel like our lives are being made out to be less great than those of straight people. It affects our pride.

Straight people, (some of them) I think also get a bad wrap for their ideas towards us.
If you look at it like this.
Our world has an underlying foundation based on religion.
The founding religions and mostly practiced ones, define homosexuality as an abomination.
Since religion has been the biggest reason for war, surely it matters to people.
If you are taught your entire life, that something is wrong, and you lack the open - mindedness or imagination to think things on your own accord.....should you be condemned for these feelings?

Not everyone, is capable of understanding things. And, not everyone understands homosexuality. When you don't understand an idea that is different than those of yours, ....history has taught us that people fear these ideas.

If my "god" told me all throughout history that sleeping with another man was going to send me to hell, and...i was straight....I might not like seeing two men hold hands.
The bible says that god, is forgiving.

Unfortunately....people are not.

The world has become a scary place. It's always sort of been a scary place, but with change and better times, also comes more people who fear change.
Extremists.
People that still hate black people, or still think women belong in the kitchen.
I don't doubt that the next great movement will be for gay rights. It's coming, it's only a matter of time.
However with that, will come more angry people, who think it's wrong or sick, or a sin.
People that want to cause harm, just because they're afraid of the things they cannot understand.

I fear these things. I also embrace the changes.
I know that on occasion, people in public laugh at me. Or give me a dirty look. And, I long for the days that me, and my peers can be exactly who we are, and who we want to be, without worrying.
Unfortunately...our world is one constant judgement.
So, we'll never be free of it...not completely.
But, also..times are changing. It is better than it used to be, and in ten years it'll be better than it is now.

I write this, because a friend of mine was hurt over the weekend. By straight people, thinking it's funny to attack gay people, just because they're gay.
Maybe because we're stereotyped as nonconfrontational bitches, who will run from a fight, and theyfeel like we're human punching bags.
Maybe it feeds their ego, and makes them feel better about themselves. I'm not sure.

But, it's hard to notice change in the world...when a straight person can come to a gay bar, be accepted there as an individual.....and attack a gay man, and walk out as if nothing happened.

It saddens me.....because when things like this happen, you start to second guess the people around you.

The gay and straight communities will never align with things like this occuring.
We live in fear of one another.

Fear often brings out the worst.

I wish that I, alone...could change the world. I wish that I had a plan to bring everyone together. I wish that , that ideal was...even possible. It's a fantasy that...will never happen. At least..not completely.
The world will never be a peaceful world. Because people, are never content with what they have.
People will always want more. More money, more power. More love.

I sit here, and I just wonder....what is the world going to be like, when I'm in the later stages of my life.
Will it be better? or...just different?
Will my children embrace different cultures and ideas, that even I can't understand? Where will the growth lead?

I believe that this current election, is going to change the world. If a black man, or a white woman happens to be elected into office...our country will see the most radical things come to pass.
As much as it shows change, the extremists will show that not everyone changes.
And a part of me is afraid to see what will happen.

Things are about to change in ways, that...we probably don't even realize.
And, as I think about my friend, and why this happened, and how it happened...I can't help but think that...all the change we've proclaimed as sucha good and beautiful thing...isn't enough.
It's just not.

It makes you think, that...we've come nowhere.
And that makes me feel just a little sad.