Judgement Day

Every person, in some manner deals with judgements. Judgements made by our friends, family and other collective groups of peers and random joe blows.
It's kind of a part of life. And, in that same token, everyone...EVERYONE...At some point, judges other people. Whether it be through a discontentful glance, a stereotypical thought, or what have you.
There's really no escaping it. Even if you just look at someones' cheap tennis shoes and think "oh girl....what are you wearin"

I'm certainly not a stranger to either side of this coin.
I fully admit that I'm a harsh critic of others. And, I also know that often times, I'm critiqued for several different qualities or quirks.
I try to maintain a "I don't really care what other people think of me" type of attitude. However, being in that mindset, is kind of a ...catch 22.
As much as I don't care what people think...I do care. And, I think you'll find that with both people. Ultimately, I'm my own person, and...other peoples' opinions aren't really that important to me. However...I get upset if I learn of someone's negative comments or opinions.
I think its a "i want everyone to like me" syndrome.

For the most part, I dont lose sleep over it. Nor should any one.
However there comes a time when things become difficult to swallow. Especially when friends are involved.

There's sometimes that I don't understand people that maintain silly secrets. It, kind of hurts my feelings to learn that one person will hide something from me, but openly be truthful with someone else over their true actions.
I know that this particular incident involves shame.
And, ultimately I understand not being truthful with someone because of feelings of guilt, or shame.
Noone wants to be looked upon poorly. Especially if its something that's sort of taboo to talk about openly.
Their inner regret, or their feelings of pride have a way of creating a defense mechanism...and instead of just being "real"....they hide things because they don't want to be viewed poorly.

I can admit, that there are things that even I am ashamed of.
Things I probably wouldn't want the people that matter most to know, because of concerns over being looked at poorly.
So, I understand.

But when one friend is privy to information that you as a friend also are not....it becomes a whole other ordeal.

I'm looking at myself and saying ...what about me....isnt trustworthy enough to know the same things as others?

I guess it's a merry-go-round of emotions.
And, you kinda can't help but feel, less than. Or, not as respected. Not as important?

But then again, maybe it's just that the person thinks highly of you, and...doesn't want to expose their shame or guilt to you?

It's a difficult situation, that I'm sort of struggling to comprehend.

Some of the world seems so black and white, while other parts remain lost inbetween that, that ...it's everything but that simple.

It comes back to ....ultimately feeling judged.
I feel, sort of excluded....over something so silly.

And...the uncomfortable part is...I see this same sort of situation (with different details) within several of the friendships and different relationships with people that I know.

It's a giant game. And, it's hard to decipher whether I've become the cat, or the mouse.

I guess I'll never really know. My conclusion is to continue trying to be true to myself. Maintain the ideas and qualities that define me. And, let every one else and their decisions and issues work themselves out.

Sometimes, I get too wrapped up in feelings. I get too offended by the ways of the world.
I think, I take things as personal attacks more often than I should.

Maybe, just maybe...it's not always me.
I need to learn to accept that sometimes, I'm not the problem.

Rules and Regulations.

Throughout the life that I have lived until this moment, (and most peoples' lives in their entirety) there is always a standard.
A certain way that things are supposed to be. A set idea, that mimics what other people seem to strive for, or better yet..what other people *think* they are supposed to try and duplicate as best they can.

Sure, as with all things you have your rebels and outsiders that refuse to join the fray. Those that stand up for themselves, and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. (under reasonable pretenses....usually)

In different aspects of my life, I have found myself on both sides.

Wanting nothing more than to fit in, to replicate myself after other peoples' standards because it seems "the norm". And, wanting nothing more than to be exactly who I am, nothing more and nothing less regardless of who has anything to say or think about my decisions.


I find myself in a situation. Actually, I gind myself in about 139 different mini-situations that have culminated into one rather large mega-situation.
And, my mind has reached a stage of "What is the right thing to do?" "What is supposed to be said or done in this particular instance". and, "Who the fuck makes the rules anyway?"

It breaks down like this:
Not very long ago, I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved. I still love this person, and will love this person in some fashion until my final breath. It was a relationship with alot of problems, and alot of hardships. However, I don't think saying that puts limitations on the raw emotion that was entangled in it.
It was both some of the best, and some of the worst feelings I've ever had.
I've had someone bickering with me, throwing in my face that I was dumped. The phrase,"Left like apiece of parsley on a dinner plate" was used.
I make no attempts to hide this fact. I was indeed dumped, and was indeed left with no option but to move out.
It was a rough moment, and anyone who has ever experienced a major breakup knows that there a definitely some sad times, and some things you'd probably like to take back. I too, hold my fair share of these events.
It has not been easy, though..it has not been the immensely unrecoverable life shattering spectacle everyone may think either.
I do wish that it could've gone differently. But, bygones are bygones and my life is anew.

In this time, I happened to meet a very sweet, very caring guy. However, having just been dumped and having alot of emotional baggage to deal with...timing was not in his favor.
And, as far as I know, the rules state you cannot jump into a relationship with someone right after getting out of one. It will not work, right?
So, over the past whiles we've hung out on limited occasions.

And, I've grown to think very fondly of him.
He is the first person that has ever made me feel like the most important person in the world. And, thats a very nice thing to feel.
But, we've taken things ridiculously slow, because I am still recovering from a bruised heart.

So, I ask, when is it okay to anyone involved, to still love someone else who doesn't want you, and begin to really like someone else that does?

It's the inner war I face. Emotional discardage, fighting the thought that, its too soon to like anyone else.

I've come to the realization that I cannot live up to anyone elses standards. I can't base my decisions on what anyone else believes is proper, or fair. Or, expected.

I can't place restrictions on my life. I can't let things that could turn out well, to pass me by because I'm nursing the fact that I've been hurt before.

I think it's a fact of life. You will ultimately at some point, hurt someone you love. And you will be hurt by someone you love. And, it's how you handle these things that make a difference, not that they happen at all.

I will not place expectations on things like I have before. Nor will I ruin them in my own head because I'm afraid of history repeating.
I have met someone that fits into what I've always looked for in a person. And, it's shitty, to see this person, and think to yourself "if only the timing was better".

So, I trek forward.
If it is not meant to be, it will not.
I refuse to push it forward too quickly just as I refuse to hold it down too long.
My life is mine.
I'm the one who has to live it, and I'm the one whose happiness lies in the background.

I can only hope that everything works out for everyone.
I wish my ex the best of luck. I hope that he finds the person that ignites his soul.
And, I wish that very same for me.

As well as for everyone reading this.

And I strongly suggest that everyone do things for yourself. Throw aside caution. Forget fears of failure. And try to ignore the past that can so easily haunt you. Live your life doing whatever brings you the most opportunities to genuinely smile throughout the day.

I'm going to attempt it as well.

Ta-Ta for now!