Split Personalities.

Over the last few days I've spent quite a bit of time staring at my blog, and trying to make sense out of everything thats been going on, both in my mind, and in my life.
It's been a pretty crazy time for me lately, though I've made pretty good attempts at trying to make thebest of things, and keeping myself focused on the positive things.

Sure, with everything I've been kinda down, but truth be told, even when im up, im down. I guess I'm just that kinda person. I always find faults in things. I always find the mistakes. I guess it's just easier for me to focus on the negatives than the postives.

I've struggled with finding exactly what I want to write. It being the holidays, and me finding myself in a position where everyone around me seems to have someone, I've kinda felt like the odd man out. Which, again is nothing new. Even when I'm right smack in the middle of things, all evened out and fitting in, I kinda always feel like the outsider. It's just a debacle I have with myself. Insecurites, and blah blah blah.

The holidays are usually extremely hard on me. This year, seemed alot easier because I decided to cook a christmas dinner and invite some friends over.
I've never been known as much of a cook, but I've definitely changed alot, and...after cooking a dinner for 9 people, and it going amazing..I've realized that I'm capable of surprising myself.
The food was amazing, everything was made from scratch, and I mad ethe best of a holiday that usually leaves me feeling kinda depressed.
It was the best Christmas I've had in quite a few years, and I accomplished something that while seemingly silly to most, made me feel good about myself.
I'm capable of succeeding at things, even if they are something as stupid as making Christmas dinner for your friends.

With that said, .Times are interesting. I'm dealing with a few issues related to my last break up, and both of my closest friends suddenly find themselves in relationships.
I'm not used to being the guy that's single while the closest people to me are in relationships, so it makes me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't like to feel like a third wheel. I don't like to feel like I'm making them alter their plans so they can include me.
I don't like being a burden.
However, I do often place myself in a role that competes for that description...it's not something i enojoy, as much as it becomes a circumstance where I try too hard to not be that, that...thats exactly what I become.
I'm chugging along, and trying my best to adapt to what happens around me. New territory is new territory, and..it's difficult sometimes to make those adaptations. ..All in all, I'm doing a fair job. Instead of making a big deal over something that hurts my feelings or makes me feel threatened or inadequate, I've decided to just let it go. Suck it up, move past it, and make personal adjustements to avoid the same occurance in the future.
Sometimes, I find myself laughing hysterically at the situations I find myself in, I'm convinced that noone else in the world can be even half as good as I am, and placing myself in a bad, awkward, or inappropriate situation.
As time passes I find myself more and more a stranger. I'm not sure if that's bad or good, or whether those things can even really be measured. I know that I'm nothing like I used to be. I've gone through so much, I've changed so much.
And, even if noone sees it, or noone cares. I'm a different person. And, I'm both extremely proud and extremely ashamed.
I feel like I've changed both the best, and the worst parts of me, and in turn have created new best and worst parts.
I'm both ugly and beautiful.

I have faith in myself. I'm not used to that. I, actually believe that with the proper focus I can be one of those people that succeed. I can be that guy that proves people wrong. I am that guy that proves himself wrong.
And, with that confidence also comes doubt.

I struggled to write a blog for the last few days, and after reading a blog an ex wrote, I suddenly felt inspired.
He wrote about missing people from his past. Respecting people, forgiving people. Missing them.

And it kinda clicked with things I've been feeling.
The places that I've worked, the lifestlye I've led..I've met alot of amazing people. Alot of bastardfaces too. but, alot of people have left a lasting impression on me.
Alot of people have mae me into the person I am.
Maybe theres those people that think that's not a thing to be impressed with. And, to those people I'd sa that you don't really know me.
I'm grateful for so much. And, at that same time, regretful for so much.
I certainly have made alot of mistakes.

I guess with everything that I've endured, I've taken a very...overpowering stance.
Too much pride, and too many strong feelings.
For a very long time I've let kindness take a backseat, and have let arrogance, or attitude take control.
Anger, or some other emo-type emotion.
After reading the blog, which I'm sure had nothing to do with me,...I felt inspired to tell people that I've neglected how I feel.
I felt like telling the people that I love, or have loved...that they matter. Even if my love is different....they matter.
I felt like telling everyone that's ever been my friend, current or not...thank you. Thank you for being there when you were...And...thank you for not, because it has helped me too.

I felt like saying I love you, to all of those people that have given me hope. All of those people that have helped me, or needed my help.
I felt likegiving the world one giant hug, because I spend so much of my time giving the word one giant middle finger, that I forget that it's not all shit.

And, then I read some comments that people lefton the blog.
And I got angry. I immediately took offense, and got angry with someone for blatantly attacking me personally on my ex's blog. (though..im not full sure its me he was targeting....im pretty positive)
And..my initial reaction was to lash out. Leave a nasty comment. Write a blog unleashing an arsenal. And, then I realized that, that would be what's expected of me. That would be, who I've been before.
And, while parts of that guy linger....I'm not that same person. I don't need to react in those same ways.
I don't feed off the same counterattacks that I used to.

And I won't let myself get involved in a debacle with someone who is so clearly needing to feed off of the same negativities that I once did.

Now, thats not to say that I'm not angry. Because I'm enraged.
But, I don't need to salvage my self respect through anyone elses' opinions. Not anymore.

I will,however say this.
When you are in such a position, that you do not have enough balls to say how you feel about someone to their face when given the opportunity...and less than 24 hours later write hateful, spiteful things on their ex boyfriends blog about them....You should probably stop evaluating their life, and their emotional handicaps, and turn the focus onto your own life.
I could list plenty of things about this person, with the sole purpose of pissing them off in return, or tring to embarrass them, or make them feel insecure or upset that someone feels a certain way about them, but I don't have any need to do so. The fact that you've let your feelings get to the point that you had to get so nasty, and....on someone elses' blog...proves your weight in the world.
Good luck chasing your own demons.

And...I will be speaking to you in person. Because if there is anything I hate, it's a two faced, fucking bitch.
Say it to my face, or shut the fuck up. It's just the right thing to do.
I'll even hold your fucking head up off of the bar so you can speak the words.
That is, if you can get it out of B's ass.


I don't expect everyone to like me....Cause lord knows I dislike alot of people.
I do however expect people to have balls. Especially if their gonna stand on a soapbox and act like someone else is being the drama queen.

And that, is how I feel. I don't wanna be the guy I've been before.

But, the old me, the one that is trying his best to be a better person, and not be a hateful fucking cunt, has this to say....
Craig, can lick my fucking nuts. Then, hopefully die in a fiery crash.
While yer loading that gun, please...do me a personal favor (since you owe me that much for a) lying to me, b) lying about me c)lying to me about your friends then lying to your friends about lying to me and d) being a general douchewad in general,...and turn the fucking thing on yourself.


Unlike him, I have no problem mentioning his name, or saying it to his face.

That's how I roll....You can call me a bitch, but at least I'm upfront, honest, and dont hide anything I have to say.
Mother fucker.

lol.

Gnite!

Going down?

Have you ever felt completely devoured by the world?

Like everything that makes you who you are, the things you do, the things you've done, your thoughts, your decisions, ....every single thing that when placed together, is who you are.....has been chewed up and completely digested by the world around you.

I've been in this constant, yo-yo type place in my life. Up and down, up and down. It's gone back and forth so rapidly that sometimes I can't even tell if I'm up or I'm down.
It's sort of like when you're riding on this long ass escalator. That awkward feeling you get when you take your first step off. Your footing is all mixed up for just a brief second and everything almost feels unfamiliar.Then, things resume to the same old routine.
That brief second, is what my life feels like most of the time.
Infact, comparing my life to an escalator is really quite fitting. I sit through a long, uneventful ride awaiting my arrival at whatever particular place, idea, or feeling I'm trying to get to.
Not really in control, just floating along waiting to get there. Then the minute that it's up to me to move forward from there....I think I panic, and immediately head for the escalator back down.

I've found that my life isn't all bad. I have alot of fun. I've found that the only time this fun really comes is when I'm not at home. When I'm not thinking. And with that usually comes being out and drinking. I'm probably reaching a point in my life where I've never drank so much.
It brings you instant gratification, and a momentary lapse when it comes to your feelings. I haven't really devoted the proper amount of time towards ironing out my feelings, so....anything that really gives me the opportunity to avoid them, is something I search out.
Unfortunately the downside to that, is while drinking can help you feel alot better, it also helps you feel alot worse. Thus, the yo-yo effect.
Maybe it's less of a yo-yo and more of a ping pong table. Constantly getting smacked back and forth. Side to side. Happy to sad. Blah to blah.

Aside from all that, I've been having all these questions about the people around me. A few people have left me feeling really taken advantage of. Sometimes people get so used to certain things that they forget that these things are actually not requirements. they forget to say thank you, or they forget to appreciate the things you do, the steps you make, the risks you take.
I've found thatI have very few friendships where there's an equal amount of give and take.
That is an important quality in a friendship. And, its making me step back and really evaluate people.

Financially, I'm in a tight spot. Im broke. Everything I earn goes out the door as fast, if not faster than I get it. I find myself sliding further and further downward, and it too starts to make an impact on how you feel.
I think mostly that my plate just seems so full. My shoulders so heavy. Very little to build me up, and far too much dragging me down.
I'm worrying about so many different things that I'm always completely stressed out. So much so that it's hard to find the time to enjoy things.
Making matters worse is that it seems like things keep getting better for all the people around me, and the changes I find, aren't for the better.
I can't agree more with the phrase "misery loves company".

Its an interesting time for me, because my courses of realization, and action are so far apart. I've been so unable to pull myself out of this mess for so long...yet I've known I need to for even longer.

I wish I had more answers and less questions. I think that somewhere underneath everything I actually do have them, I just havent found the right ways to incorporate them. Maybe I haven't hit that life altering moment that becomes my make or break moment. Though, while timidly awaiting it, I can't help but wonder which one will overtake me.
I'm not sure I believe in the "make" as much as I believe in the "break" portions of my capabilities.
And, I think given my history, thats understandable.
I think I have an unbelievable amount of potential, and an unbelievable knack for squandering that potential. So, I'm either going to end up one hell of a success story, or one hell of a major disappointment.
I kinda feel I've done my share of the latter, so the task is in figuring out how to change ...everything.
It's....difficult for me. I'm a mess. (lol)

Anywhoo..I don't really know that this blog is particularly substantial...it's kinda the same old thing. The broken record.
But, it's what I got for the day...so it's what you get.

Hopefully...I can figure everything out. I'm crossin my fingers at least.

It's Hard saying Goodbye.

First I'll warn you, this is about my personal life. So, if that bores you (it will) don't bother going any further. If it at all refers to you, directly or indirectly, know that I'm not talking bad about anyone, just blogging about how I feel, and..you happen to be in relation to those feelings either now, or in the past.



It's concerning how often in life we walk into a situation with blind eyes. Either we place our hopes so high that we ignore the warning signs telling us to back away and run for dear life, or things start so amazingly that your guard is lowered and when you least expect it something happens that completely throws everything off course and it's never the same.
It's also strange how often things that you devote so much energy towards repairing...never work. It's almost as if, once you reach a point where theres something that needs fixed, you might as well give up.

Personally, I'm one of those really weird people when it comes to relationships. I don't believe in cheating or sleeping around. I've never reeeeally done it, and I probably never will. I'm very old fashioned, however I except that some things aren't perfect, so I'm able to actually put up with alot that most people might not. Maybe it's just because my relationship history required me to do so, so it's what I've grown used to. Which, actually makes perfect sense when it comes to trying to understand the demise of the last one.
This particular person was, by all accounts...perfect for me. And, when you find someone that fits everything you've ever wanted, you find ways of messing it up without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, that it was the first relationship that I've ever been in that, ended with no reason. No closure. Just one day it was like poof.
It was a difficult time, and per usual, I tried to hang onto something that I shouldn't have. However, this time the circumstances werent the other person saying "hey...yeah. i dont want you anymore".

For the last few months I've been struggling to get past the whole debacle. Truth be told, I've had a really crazy year. At the beginning, I was in a relationship with someone that mattered alot to me, but yet...was never going to work. I think we both realized it, but held onto it for our own selfish, or selfless reasons. When that ended, I initially got wrapped up in being with someone else just for companionship sake. What developed underneath my nose, was something I never expected. Something I never wanted, and...admittedly, something I didn't fully appreciate until I was without it.

Over the months that this person spent trying to get his life together...we basically drifted too far apart.
And circumstances changed into situations that were too hard to just sit by and watch without voicing some concern.
I dunno if you've ever been on the recieving end of a voice of concern from me, but when it comes to my feelings; what i feel, when i feel them, who i feel them for....it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
Unfortunately for how I felt, ..in this time an ex arose in the other persons life, and...well. who really knows.

The last week or so, has been kind of hard for me. I mean, the whole time has been hard, but I guess there was that part of me that thought...wow..I've never met someone that cared so much, or I've never met someone that...matched up with me so well....and that part of me believed that things would work out. That things would repair themselves.

Eventually, you have no option but to lose hope. Because theres a fine line between being hopeful, and being hopeless. The very things that can build you up, can tear you down. And, when the things you wait for become less of things that help you, and more of things that hurt you....you find yourself in a very scary place.

As usual, At the conclusion of a relationship, I can say I fought for what I wanted. This time it was different though. In the past I could list my failures. The ways in which I disappointed my other half. The things that led to our demise. However, I can honestly walk away from this one, knowing that I did nothing wrong. I made no mistake. And, for the first time I can look at a failed relationship and know that I won't have any regrets that I blame myself for.

That, of course doesn't help the hurting process. Once I care for someone, I care very strongly. I care with passion. My emotions are really the only thing I'm in touch with. And, of the things I have to offer a person, the only thing that is really genuine, or powerful, or important, or of any value is those feelings.
I mentioned before that I'm 26 and I've used the L-word three times. This person was one of the three...which makes it important.

You take different lessons with you each time you end a relationship. Whether you are the one who ends it, or whether you are the one who is ended upon. Your heart breaks in a different way, but it breaks nonetheless. You lose a bit of yourself, that part that shares your world with someone else. That part that allows another person to know you,to really know you.

Hurt comes in so many ways, its almost humorous. You can spend so much time trying to calculate the ways in which it can come that you take every precaution you can think of, yet still it finds a way in.

Tonight marked the third time I've had to really say goodbye to a person. It is....not fun. It doesn't bring me any joy to add another thing to my list of screw ups. Another name, another face. Another piece.
I'd like to say it gets easier.
If someone who'd never loved before was to ask me, I wish I could look them in the eye, and say "It does get easier".
But, I don't believe that. Each time you love and lose that love, you gain a bit of insight about the world. You trek on until the next time, carrying with you a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more maturity about it all....But when it ends, you still feel the same.

I tend to be the guy that beats himself up. I typically find everything I can think of thats wrong with me (and theres alot) and I feed off of these things. I get sad, and angry, and...probably drunk, and then I cry.
And, I repeat the process until my body simply can't produce any more tears. And then I let it all build back up, and start over once I'm restocked.

This time is different. Sure, I've cried. Alot. Too much.

I can't compare it to past relationships, because it's nothing like them. I've taken something away from this failure that I can't quite describe.
Maybe it's different because there wasn't really closure. There probably never will be.

I don't think I'll ever be okay with how this happened. I don't think I'll ever understand this one.

It's the first person that I've dated that simply....doesn't want to talk to me.
Sure, I don't talk to all of my exes, but...there are other circumstances involved.
This is more of a mystery.
and, I think that's the hardest part of it all.
Not knowing.

I've had some hard moments when it comes to relationships. I've had people tell me really mean things, Ive had people completely break my heart. I've had people be kind about it, and I've had people whose hearts I've broken.
But I've never had anyone just....disappear. I've never had anyone just.....ignore me.
lol.
It's funny...but it's not.
It'll always be a person that I loved. It'll always be a person I care about.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like a person that is even interested in being my friend.
Which, makes you dig down into yourself and question why that is.
Given that I've been having sucha hard time with myself lately, I'm extremely low. But, I'm trying to refrain from getting toohard on myself, because I know first hand how hard it is to recooperate from that.
I guess I can say this.
Love is definitely the best, and the worst thing in the world.
It brings you the most happiness, and the most heartache, even when you have nothing else, or everything else.
It is the single most powerful emotion in the world. And, I have loved three pretty amzing people.
And, despite my differences with any of them...Whoever has them, or gets them is pretty lucky.

It does make you wonder if they feel the same way though, doesnt it? lol.

Alot of time has passed between two of those relationships. and, I can say that...I would never want to go back, and do things differently. I'd never want to explore that again and see what could happen.
And, I think this last one will be the first time that I can say I would.
Its difficult to say that, without feeling guilty, and stupid.
Does it mean you think less of any other relationship? certainly not. It's just that those mistakes were evident. Those reasons for failure were undeniable. Those endings were inevitable.

And, then...you feel stupid cause....how I feel, and how he feels are probably worlds apart.

I think my biggest concern is that I'll always wonder.
I'll never know.

As it all finally sunk in tonight....I kinda lost it. It was one of those moments you're glad noone gets to see. Kinda like what I look like as I write this, only less hysterical cause it's hard to type and be a mess at the same time.
But, I've got no choice but to find some hope. somewhere.
I've been in a really bad placefor a very long time. With knowing that, comes knowing that there isn't much lower I can go.

And with that comes a bit of refreshment. ..I guess life might suck now, but...it's gotta get better at some point.
And if not, at least you'll still have my blog to read to feed that hunger inside of you to read about someone who is miserable.
lol.

Or..something.