Going down?

Have you ever felt completely devoured by the world?

Like everything that makes you who you are, the things you do, the things you've done, your thoughts, your decisions, ....every single thing that when placed together, is who you are.....has been chewed up and completely digested by the world around you.

I've been in this constant, yo-yo type place in my life. Up and down, up and down. It's gone back and forth so rapidly that sometimes I can't even tell if I'm up or I'm down.
It's sort of like when you're riding on this long ass escalator. That awkward feeling you get when you take your first step off. Your footing is all mixed up for just a brief second and everything almost feels unfamiliar.Then, things resume to the same old routine.
That brief second, is what my life feels like most of the time.
Infact, comparing my life to an escalator is really quite fitting. I sit through a long, uneventful ride awaiting my arrival at whatever particular place, idea, or feeling I'm trying to get to.
Not really in control, just floating along waiting to get there. Then the minute that it's up to me to move forward from there....I think I panic, and immediately head for the escalator back down.

I've found that my life isn't all bad. I have alot of fun. I've found that the only time this fun really comes is when I'm not at home. When I'm not thinking. And with that usually comes being out and drinking. I'm probably reaching a point in my life where I've never drank so much.
It brings you instant gratification, and a momentary lapse when it comes to your feelings. I haven't really devoted the proper amount of time towards ironing out my feelings, so....anything that really gives me the opportunity to avoid them, is something I search out.
Unfortunately the downside to that, is while drinking can help you feel alot better, it also helps you feel alot worse. Thus, the yo-yo effect.
Maybe it's less of a yo-yo and more of a ping pong table. Constantly getting smacked back and forth. Side to side. Happy to sad. Blah to blah.

Aside from all that, I've been having all these questions about the people around me. A few people have left me feeling really taken advantage of. Sometimes people get so used to certain things that they forget that these things are actually not requirements. they forget to say thank you, or they forget to appreciate the things you do, the steps you make, the risks you take.
I've found thatI have very few friendships where there's an equal amount of give and take.
That is an important quality in a friendship. And, its making me step back and really evaluate people.

Financially, I'm in a tight spot. Im broke. Everything I earn goes out the door as fast, if not faster than I get it. I find myself sliding further and further downward, and it too starts to make an impact on how you feel.
I think mostly that my plate just seems so full. My shoulders so heavy. Very little to build me up, and far too much dragging me down.
I'm worrying about so many different things that I'm always completely stressed out. So much so that it's hard to find the time to enjoy things.
Making matters worse is that it seems like things keep getting better for all the people around me, and the changes I find, aren't for the better.
I can't agree more with the phrase "misery loves company".

Its an interesting time for me, because my courses of realization, and action are so far apart. I've been so unable to pull myself out of this mess for so long...yet I've known I need to for even longer.

I wish I had more answers and less questions. I think that somewhere underneath everything I actually do have them, I just havent found the right ways to incorporate them. Maybe I haven't hit that life altering moment that becomes my make or break moment. Though, while timidly awaiting it, I can't help but wonder which one will overtake me.
I'm not sure I believe in the "make" as much as I believe in the "break" portions of my capabilities.
And, I think given my history, thats understandable.
I think I have an unbelievable amount of potential, and an unbelievable knack for squandering that potential. So, I'm either going to end up one hell of a success story, or one hell of a major disappointment.
I kinda feel I've done my share of the latter, so the task is in figuring out how to change ...everything.
It's....difficult for me. I'm a mess. (lol)

Anywhoo..I don't really know that this blog is particularly substantial...it's kinda the same old thing. The broken record.
But, it's what I got for the day...so it's what you get.

Hopefully...I can figure everything out. I'm crossin my fingers at least.