Stuck

There's no restrictions towards my insanity.
A walking, robotic calamity.
My chest covers my only amenity.
Fucked up tendencies.
Clouding my sensibilities.
Not even sure if I can pay my own utilities.
Lacking all tranquility.
Sadness; my only stability
Depression seems my only activity
Failure seems my only real ability.
My mind wanders inside it's own captivity.

Faith. Love. and Hope

Per usual, I'm doing everything but that which I should be doing.
While I should be staying up late to finish putting my apartment in order... (All that's left is my bedroom, and it's coming along) Here I am, splattering whatever pointless jibberish I have to contribute to the world.

How very fitting. Me, doing something other than what I should.

I guess I should start with a housing update. I haven't written since the day I got approved for my apartment, and alot of major changes have occurred in that time.

As I wrote, I got my own apartment. I've spent soon to be 12 nights here (after I sleep tonight) and each night seems so distant by the time the middleof the day arrives. I absolutely love my apartment, the complex, the location...everything. However, it hasn't all been a barrel of roses.
With the happiness and the excitement, also comes the sadness, the loneliness and a general feeling of failure. I don't think there's anyway around it. You just have to press through it all. I'll admit to doing a better job than I expected, but that's not saying much.
I decided to allow a good friend of mine to move in with me. Mostly because it'll help me out, but admittedly my not wanting to be completely alone played a huge role in it too. Things are going okay so far. Theres been a few issues, and I'm sure there'll be more on the horizon. So, we'll have to just see how things go in that whole department.

It's strange how things happen.
You find yourself...scared and alone. Feeling trapped, lost, unwanted, unworthy. Etc. And you ultimately start doing things you wouldn't have before.
Thinking differently, acting differently. Welcoming new thoughts and ideas. Even welcoming new people.
This really has changed my life. Completely.
I realize that I'll never be the same. Just as after other relationships or friendships ended my life was permanently altered, so is the case this time.
A more mature outlook, approach and opinion is programmed into your mind, and...also at the same time, you become just a little more vulnerable. A little more angry. A little more afraid.
There's really no clear direction, because your life is torn between excitement and change, and turmoil and regret.

I've been pretty much diving into work, and the move that I haven't really had time to fully express my emotions. Which, is probably the best case scenario...Lord knows when given the chance I can beat a topic into the ground.

I have alot of regrets, and things I'd do differently.Some of which include holding back, and maintaining some pride. I think at the very end I became a monster. Especially towards myself. i shredded my every ounce of dignity. And if anything I'm most ashamed of that.
Sometimes it's sad the things we think we can sacrifice in the name of love.
For my entire life, I've made it a point to place love on some sort of silly pedestal. Brainwashing myself into thinking it's the only thing that matters.
Maybe I watched Titanic, or Moulin Rouge too many times and I just got caught up in the ideas that love conquers everything. (except of course cancer and uh....icebergs)
And, in the name of love I was willing to go on knowing that the person didn't want to be with me. Whether pretending to know it or not.
I'd be a complete lying mess, if I said I didn't care. Or it didn't matter.
Most times I sit here wondering why the hell everything is always so shitty. But, the only way to get through it all, is to tell yourself that everything happens for a reason.

I'd like to think that even if i'm not good enough to ..love or whatever, that at least I can bring a different set of ideas to the table. Even if I change a person in the slightest ways that contribute to them being a better person..then I guess something good comes of the pain.

Though, i don't want to make it look like it's been all raindrops and teary eyed nights. I've had some good times too.

All in all, I'm doing okay. I'm making it.
Strand by strand.
Long night by long night.
Smile by smile.
Moment by moment.


I've found that there are three things people need to be happy in their lives.
Faith. Love. and Hope.

These things never co-exist. At least not often. At least not for me.

A year ago, I had no faith.
Two weeks ago, I had no hope.

Tonight I just feel kinda in the poops.
I know that there are people that love me. Just as there are people whom I love.
That doesn't mean you always feel loved.

I'm still trying to avoid an outburst of emotion.
My friend said "who cares....you don't have anyone to answer to. If you hurt someones' feelings...oh well".
But..that's just the thing.

The only person that will be hurt by how I feel is myself.
I'm back at square one.

How do you learn to love yourself, when it seems like noone else does?

Maybe one day those things won't depend on one another.

Until then, I dive into anything that'll keep me busy. And, I've got alot to do.

Goodnight for now.

*Handshakes. Hugs and Handjobs*

A Whole New World.

I haven't been able to write in here since my last entry. Which, has been a feat in it's own. Everyday, it's all I've wanted to do. Step into this world, release everything I have built up inside.
Instead I've sucked it all in, and pretty much tried to pretend that nothings going on.

I won't go into heavy details because I'm a personal person when it comes to my relationships with people. I feel passionately about things like this, and therefore don't expose them to the vultures and drama queens that often poke their eyes and ears into the business of people whom they shouldnt.

I am no longer with the person I was with. It was not my decision, and..in fact at some point, I became a pathetic, embarrassing, unbelievably shameless person. There were alot of tears, some heartbreak, and alot of begging and pleading, that ...I wish I could take back.

I don't want to make it look like theres any hatred between the two. I don't think there is. At the same time, I don't think anyone wants to be around someone who broke their heart. It's just how it goes. It's hard. It's hurtful.

So, with a breakup...when you live together. Comes the seperation process. Which, is the hard part.
You grow so accustomed to things, and..when change is forced upon you, without a choice in the matter....it becomes difficult.
There are lots of things that I could say. Alot of things I'd regret later,..And I don't want to be that guy. I've been there before, and I'm not going to be that again.

It hurts. But, I'm stronger than I think.

I struggled with the "what am i gonna do" or "where am i gonna go" questions that everyone whose life has just been turned upside down asks themselves, and after several mental breakdowns and hysterical crying fits, I came to the decision that.....being sad about it..isn't going to accomplish anything.

Today, I signed a lease that says I am in a 12 month lease. Me. And just me.
Today, I became an individual.
I became my own person. And, other than a few things...I am going to be able to do this without help from anyone.

I have had my temps for two weeks now. I've been driving, and my actual test is Thursday.
I also move Thursday.

I got an email from my friend Angie. And, I've been bawling like a little kid since I read it.

For the first time in...a very long time. Someone said that they are proud of me. And, while my self esteem issues make it hard for me to believe that....
I feel proud of myself. For, one of the first times.

It comes with such bittersweet feelings.
The moment you become proud of yourself, comes at the expense of feeling like someone else cares about you.
And, I won't lie...it's incredibly difficult to stand tall at this moment.

But...what other options are there?

I know that once the initial drastic change adaptation is over...I'll be alright. I know that I'm gonna be fine.
But, I'm scared shitless at the same time.
And..while I'm proud that for the first time ever, I'm my own person, taking care of myself, doing things for myself....
It's also the thing I'm most afraid of.

Being alone.

My advice.. to anyone out there that doesnt think they can do things. To that person that doubts themself, or never thinks they'll be okay...Or, fears that things will never work out..
It doesnt matter.
As long as you can keep your head slightly above the shit you feel you're drowning in....eventually..Things will get better.

And, while it might not always seem that way.
For the first time ever, I know that I'm gonna be alright.
It all makes me a better person. And, eventually someone else will see that too.

I probably won't write again until after I move. Which is in TWO DAYS!

Wish me luck. With moving...and finding furniture and stuff. Because. I have absolutely nothing.

Feels like a reflection of ones self at the moment.
But, it can only get better....Right?

Always love whole heartedly. It can be the worst feeling in the world. But, if for one moment its brilliant....it makes it all worth it. Thats my advice for the day.


I have alot to look forward to. Perhaps more than I even realize. My own apartment, a new lease on life. And, theres another thing. But, I won't get into that here. It's making me smile though. And, that's a good thing.
Peace and Chicken grease.

-N-