Life = Shit, or Shit = Life?

Do you ever get in those moods where you just realize that, ...everything you seem to touch in life....turns to shit?

Maybe I'm just reeling from the after effects of having had a hard Saturday-Wednesday, and my emotions are at a high. I'm not sure.

Last night, I went in to work. And, some things that don't please me have occured. And it's set me in this mental journey I'm currently taking in the early portion of the day, when I really should just be sleeping.

When do you know whether life has become a product of who you are, or if you have become a product of life?


Am I angry because I feel my life is shitty, or is my life shitty...because I'm angry?


I'm in one of those moods where I'm reflecting on everything.

I feel like,... I'm stuck somewhere. Unable to really go forward and backward because I'm too busy being upset at where I am, to even think about a solution.

I feel like, (per usual) work has shat upon me. It's become less of a "what did they do this time" and more of a "why dont I learn that the right thing, is never going to be done."
People work shifts they shouldn't because they're in with the right guy. Or because they're in with the guy who is in with the right guy. All the while, I kinda sit there working horrible hours. Basically told in an unspoken way "you're pretty much the last guy on the list. but..we love you".
All the while, according the good ol' seniority rule....I should be working Thursday. Friday. Saturday. and Sunday nights. (at least).
Alas, that is not the case, and I'm learning that the right thing, is also the only thing that does not, can not, and will not happen.

It makes you miserable. You walk into work and yer like "oh....yep. Utterly unappreciated....oh well...lets smile anyway!"
I'm not that way. I'm not the "push yer cares aside and put on a happy face" kinda guy. My cares show in my face. And, right now I wouldn't call much about them happy.
It's a good ol' "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" concept. Only it feels more like a "You claw my eyes out, and I blog about my discontent".

I love my job. I love my coworkers, etc.
But I do not love the bullshit politics that are at play. It's a game that shouldn't be played. And it's at the expense of my morale. My feelings.
Though, from day one those haven't been a major consideration anyway. So, why should I be surprised?

--
I miss my friends. Or whatever they are now.
I feel worlds apart from everyone. They're off enjoying the high road through the nose, and I sit alone. I don't talk to anyone, I don't hang out with them.
Have we grown up, and apart so much that our existence is no longer in unison?

And, whose shoulders does the blame fall on.
Did I abandon them, when I fell in love?
Did I put my desire to feel that, ahead of our friendship? And, after having been in my own world.....turned to look back and find them gone?
I'm not sure.

I live with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I love him on levels that are completely different than anything I've experienced. I learn each day. I change everyday. I become a different person....everyday.
But I miss having those people that used to know who I was.
I miss having the random pointless conversations. I miss talking with one another...wondering if we were always gonna be alone.....or if our cats would eat our fingers or toes first.

Now that I'm in a relationship...I find that now I miss the things that I had, when I thought I had nothing.

Maybe I'm never content. Maybe I need my cake, and ice cream and candy, and french fries, and triple mocha coffee colada, and be able to eat it all too.


I've been down on myself lately. I've always kinda been this way. (no kindas about it...I've always been critical of myself in an overly critical way)
I guess I associate struggle with failure. And, I always seem to struggle..So I always seem to fail.
Then I get thinking...I...AM a failure.

People never want to hear you say that. They think yer being over dramatic, or seeking attention...or not giving yourself credit. Or whatever.
But, the fact is...I've failed either now, or at some point, in every aspect of my life.
It could be said that...everyone goes through that. It's a part of life and "what really matters is that you grow from that and blah blah fucking motherfucking blah"

I haven't grown from anything. Except one smaller failure into one slightly bigger, and then slightly bigger. And so on.

I look at the things that matter most to me.


Love.
I'm in love. And I'm loved. But, I'm pretty much the hardest person to love, in the entire world. Aside from someone who chops up his own family members and then eats them. I'm erratic, neurotic, psychotic, paranoid, and ...everything relatable.
I make things difficult, I take the hard road.
I dwell on things so much, that I take one small thing, and convince myself its a small thing in wave of a bigger thing. I travel down mental roads of possibilities that I create in my brain...and then I act upon them...as if it's not all just me predicting something thats happened or gonna happen, beforehand.
I crucify people.
I say I forgive and I forget. But, I'm not so sure I really know how to do either of the two.
I constantly expect the worst. And, when you're always looking over your shoulder for something bad, you're never really lookin forward and whats good.
I'm so worried about getting hurt again, that I end up causing hurt.
And I hate myself for it.
I hate the way I am.The way I think. The way I react.
I wish I was different. Anything. Anyone.
Just not the me I am.

Writing:
It's all I want. To make a name for myself based upon the words that come out of me.
It's what I want to do for fun, and for work. It makes me happy, it makes me sad. It inspires me.
It's the only way I've ever found, that I can use that makes a mark on this world. It's the only thing I've ever felt powerful through.
Yet, I sit on silent paragraphs.
I spend time talking about writing. But none actually doing so.
Maybe that's why I feel so ....unaccomplished.
The only thing I've ever really felt good at.....I'm not doing.
I haven't been able to...I've been blocked. Maybe I'm just blocking myself subconciously. I don't know.
But when your creativity is your sword. And yer suddenly with bare hands....you become a lost soldier in a world of wars.
I've lost something. I don't know how to regain it.

Money:
(I have none) (or...not enough)


I go through these horrible onslaughts towards myself. I get so angry with myself, that it turns into shame. And...sadness.
I start hating myself, then I get sad that I feel so badly about myself.

I know, that somewhere, deep down...I'm probably a good person. I'm probably not the worlds' enemy. And I'm probably not the biggest failure in the world.
I know, that..I'm probably not as ugly as I think I am.
I know, that someone probably loves me more than I tell myself they do.
I know, that people probably care about me, more than it seems.

I know, that I'm probably more talented than I'll ever give myself credit for.

But theres days like today, when I just want to agree with myself. I want to say "yes....you are a giant screw up. And you always will be...now get drunk and dont stop drinking until you're so drunk that you
re huddled in a corner somewhere, balling your eyes out...snot drippin everywhere... having lost your phone, broke your glasses, made a general ass of yourself, then you freak out, start throwing things...bruise yerself all up, then start telling everyone that you want to die....wake up with a giant hangover and realize what a giant douchebag yer being..and snap the fuck out of it, asshole."

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with negativity.
I'm in major need of something good.
Something to make me feel important.

I want to feel.... like I bring something good.
Instead of always feelings like someone who does nothing but fuck everything up.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

As I sit here, trying not to drive myself any crazier than I already feel......a few random things entered my mind.


A) Why don't more people know that Barack Obamas' middle name is Hussein. I learned this yesterday. You'd think the "rhymes with Osama and says Hussein" shit would be everywhere.

B) What do people that were born on the extra day during a leap year do during the other years. The actual date of their birthday only comes along once every four years. I think they should be given some kinda hallway pass, or Get out Turning 40 Free Card. No Birthday. No Aging. That's how I see it.

C) Why do we call a "W" a "double u" and not a "double v"?

D) Why is Barbara Walters allowed to say the word "vagina" on the view? It freaks me out. She has that speech impediment thing...and..its already a frightening word.

E)Why do people often read the last page of a book first? Not only is it with the idea if knowing how it ends, and ruining the whole thing...but....more often that not, the last page of the book is one of the worst pages. You really gotta read like the 4th from last to get the good stuff.

F) Am I the only person that not only sorts their cd collection alphabetically, but my order of release too? I feel it's really the only logical format...but...then I feel its entirely too anal...

G)Why do people online type so ignorantly. How hard is it, to imagine yourself talking...and just type the words you would say. ?! You cant cut out the supporting words in a sentence, and expect someone of reasonable intelligence to deal with yer idiocrisy.

H) Why do i bother with these stupid blogs, that are only my way of keeping myself occupied, so I don't write what I really feel, when I'll end up doing it anyway after I've become more reasonable, and less irritated at myself.


haha...I had more before I started this...but I've managed to forget them. And, I'm getting bored with the internet. So...I'm done.

I actually have a more serious blog that I started a few days ago that I'll prolly be posting within the next day or two...I just needed a slight distraction. Something to keep my thoughts away from anything serious and important.

I need to take a chill pill. I'm too ........something that isn't chilled.

Speaking of Drags.

Last night, I had to work at The Warehouse. (Like I do every Wednesday)
It was one of those horrible nights where you keep telling yourself.. " a large group of people will be in aaaaaany minute now". That minute never comes, and you spent all night wishing you'd called off, or a power outtage or something would've come.

Every Wednesday, theres a drag show. Last night, one of the "higher ups" from Uptown was booked in the show. Along with said "higher up" came a follower, and a "lower down" that also performs there. Apparently, someone who has been doing drag for 10+ years, needs someone whose been doing it for 5 or so, to walk around holding up her dress.
Well...long story short, the "lower down" was stupid enough to leave some cd's and an MP3 player in his car in downtown toledo at night. Soooo it got broken into and the items were stolen. This bulletin was posted on Myspace.

" Sabotage on Dakota Desmond or some random CRACK HEAD Body: As you all know in the gay community that there have been a couple of un favorable events that have taken place at a particular bar in downtown Toledo. First I would like to start with the well known fight that left someone bloody and hospitalized. Not only was this a regular fight but the perpetrators had on BRASS KNUCKLES from what I was told. Secondly at this bar there are gay men who REFUSE to keep their hands off of people who dont want to be touched. That incident almost ended up bloody. Thirdly , my car was broken into and the items that were stolen were, tanning lotion, a CD case, and a 200 dollar MP3 player. I will not be accepting any bookings at Warehouse in downtown Toledo after tonight. I am posting this bulletin not only to warn you but to offer you a reward for anyone that finds my CD case with CDs in it. The case is black and green with grey edging. It is fairly new and isnt very dirty or used. Anyone that finds it please call me at 419 360 2493 and you will be rewarded. I am sorry to the owners and to the performers and patrons that wish to perform and attend this bar. My intent is not to bash and is not ruin business but there is no safe place to go downtown anymore. Thanks,DDR"


Now....Being as I'm employed there, I feel the need to shed a small glimmer of light on the things the "lower down" failed to mention.
First off, The fight that left someone hospitalized was my friend. I <3> There are lots of discrepencies in the story. He was attacked at not one, but two bars. And, most people are saying the purchase of drugs was involved. So...I mean.....You play with matches...Etc.etc.
Second of all.....The overly feely guy was kicked out, and is being sued. However, you're going to have pervy feely people no matter where you go. Whats the difference in a man grabbing at another man, or a man right down the street grabbin someones fake titties, and wanting to fuck her in the butt with her drag makeup still on?

Bars, are the most notorious places for fights. Thus why they came up with this idea for security guards, and bouncers.
You don't boycott Uptown everytime someone gets pushed down the stairs.
Several years ago, someone walked into Caesars, and started stabbing people.
I'd rather be punched in the face with brass knuckles, than stabbed in the neck. Wouldnt you? But, theres no boycott on that. Fights happen in bars. Everywhere.

Now, the funny thing...is trying to make your cd case, and your MP3 player, sound as important as someones physical safety. If it was so dangerous, why did you come down in the first place? And..knowing how life threatning it is...wouldn't you have kept your ever so important tanning lotion on your person, in case something were to happen.
The fact is, everyone...EVERYONE, who lives in Toledo and goes to the gay bars downtown, knows...that if you have something important (such as tanning lotion.... *snicker*) you don't leave it in your fucking car. Of course it's gonna get broken into and stolen.
I've seen cars get broken into for the the pennies (literally) in the car ashtray. There are hustlers and homeless folk a go-go downtown. You know this beforehand. So, take responsibility for your own ignorant moves. But that shit in your "murse" and bring it in with you. Put it in the trunk. Or....DONT FUCKING COME OUT. Last I checked, noones was beating down Dakota Roses' door saying "please...come to warehouse...we need your talent surrounding us".

To say you aren't accepting bookings, is funny...because you aren't being offered any bookings.... (because (and this is my personal opinion) you are horrible.) And...I think its hilarious that anyone can dare compare getting their tanning lotion and cds, to someone getting attacked, and needing facial reconstructive surgery.
Get over yourself.
MAybe if your head wasn't so far up your fat ass, you woulda thought for ooooone second. "hey.....i should bring my valubales inside. I know this place is known for such horrible things". So, if you're going to boycott things that are dangerous, I suggest you boycott your own brain.
It sure fucked you, and got your shit stolen.

Sucks to be you.

There's no need to be a punk bitch about it.
(This blog is soley MY opinion and does not in any way reflect the opinion of the bar or any other employees)

Oh by the way...the gloss on yer lips is out of control.

Here's to hoping some shady fag reads this, and sends it to Dakota Rose.

*rubs tanning lotion all over body*

Introspection

Every ounce of me, is spent waging wars and preaching peace.
I cannot stand firm against all the things that fuel the deepest fears within me.
I am fragile, my attempts are futile. My goals are far stretched.

The ideas of who I am, who I've been and who I want to become have merged into one thought.

That thought has festered inside of me. Like a burden birthed unto my shoulders. It has taken over and become something so strong within me that I cannot think or speak.
I cannot hear or feel.

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.
Or maybe I've finally found myself, and it's not who I wanted to become.

I have become a human sacrifice. Giving up parts of myself, that expose a wound within.

Parts of me I try to hide, but can't.
Cuts that bleed my pride.

I drown myself with faults.
I know my rank.
A number two in a world of ones.

A Bit All Over the Place.

It's not very often that I talk of gay rights and what nots.
I'm not one of those fags who needs gay marriage to be legalized. I don't think that marriage should be an easy thing to obtain. Gay or straight.
It seems that so much in our society in regards to relationships, is measured by children, and marriage. And possessions.
Something that seems so important to the majority of the country... "protect marriage...vote no to gay marriage"...shouldn't be so easy to obtain.
A man in prison, can marry a crack head prostitute, without having ever touched her. Two people can go downtown, sign a form, pay 30 dollars and boom.
That doesn't seem sacred.
To me, it's never been a real issue. I know that those for gay marriage, claim it's about benefits and blah blah blah.
I don't really believe that. I don't think we actually care...as much as we just don't want to feel like our lives are being made out to be less great than those of straight people. It affects our pride.

Straight people, (some of them) I think also get a bad wrap for their ideas towards us.
If you look at it like this.
Our world has an underlying foundation based on religion.
The founding religions and mostly practiced ones, define homosexuality as an abomination.
Since religion has been the biggest reason for war, surely it matters to people.
If you are taught your entire life, that something is wrong, and you lack the open - mindedness or imagination to think things on your own accord.....should you be condemned for these feelings?

Not everyone, is capable of understanding things. And, not everyone understands homosexuality. When you don't understand an idea that is different than those of yours, ....history has taught us that people fear these ideas.

If my "god" told me all throughout history that sleeping with another man was going to send me to hell, and...i was straight....I might not like seeing two men hold hands.
The bible says that god, is forgiving.

Unfortunately....people are not.

The world has become a scary place. It's always sort of been a scary place, but with change and better times, also comes more people who fear change.
Extremists.
People that still hate black people, or still think women belong in the kitchen.
I don't doubt that the next great movement will be for gay rights. It's coming, it's only a matter of time.
However with that, will come more angry people, who think it's wrong or sick, or a sin.
People that want to cause harm, just because they're afraid of the things they cannot understand.

I fear these things. I also embrace the changes.
I know that on occasion, people in public laugh at me. Or give me a dirty look. And, I long for the days that me, and my peers can be exactly who we are, and who we want to be, without worrying.
Unfortunately...our world is one constant judgement.
So, we'll never be free of it...not completely.
But, also..times are changing. It is better than it used to be, and in ten years it'll be better than it is now.

I write this, because a friend of mine was hurt over the weekend. By straight people, thinking it's funny to attack gay people, just because they're gay.
Maybe because we're stereotyped as nonconfrontational bitches, who will run from a fight, and theyfeel like we're human punching bags.
Maybe it feeds their ego, and makes them feel better about themselves. I'm not sure.

But, it's hard to notice change in the world...when a straight person can come to a gay bar, be accepted there as an individual.....and attack a gay man, and walk out as if nothing happened.

It saddens me.....because when things like this happen, you start to second guess the people around you.

The gay and straight communities will never align with things like this occuring.
We live in fear of one another.

Fear often brings out the worst.

I wish that I, alone...could change the world. I wish that I had a plan to bring everyone together. I wish that , that ideal was...even possible. It's a fantasy that...will never happen. At least..not completely.
The world will never be a peaceful world. Because people, are never content with what they have.
People will always want more. More money, more power. More love.

I sit here, and I just wonder....what is the world going to be like, when I'm in the later stages of my life.
Will it be better? or...just different?
Will my children embrace different cultures and ideas, that even I can't understand? Where will the growth lead?

I believe that this current election, is going to change the world. If a black man, or a white woman happens to be elected into office...our country will see the most radical things come to pass.
As much as it shows change, the extremists will show that not everyone changes.
And a part of me is afraid to see what will happen.

Things are about to change in ways, that...we probably don't even realize.
And, as I think about my friend, and why this happened, and how it happened...I can't help but think that...all the change we've proclaimed as sucha good and beautiful thing...isn't enough.
It's just not.

It makes you think, that...we've come nowhere.
And that makes me feel just a little sad.