Tug of War

I've been basically unable to sleep lately. For, what seems like forever I lie down, doze off and have some sort of horrible dream. I wake up, I stay up. and eventually doze off again. Thent he process repeats. I couldn't tell you the last time I slept longer than three hours in concession.

Most nights I have to stay up as late as possible, just to be able to fall asleep, and that's only because I'm so fucking tired I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm also a very cranky person when I don't get enough sleep. And, since I haven't gotten enough sleep in two months, I've been one giant cunt on the rag for most of that time.



I try to be the kind of person that lives their life without regret. I fail miserably, but the effort is still given. There are days I say I have no regrets, but on those days I'm lying to myself.

The fact is my entire life is a series of regrets.



I wake up, and I regret that I didn't get up sooner. If I'm off work, I go out and I regret it. If I don't go out, I regret it. If I get drunk, I regret it, if I don't get drunk, I regret it.



I'm usually the kind of person that leaves his feelings out on his sleeve. It's not hard to tell when Im sad, or angry.

This applies to how I feel about someone. I liek you, I tell you. I don't like you, I tell you. I miss you, I tell you. I love you, I tell you. I want you to go the fuck away from me and never talk to me again, I tell you. It's how I roll.

Lately, I seem to regret this about myself.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.



I say how I feel about something or someone, and don't get the desired response (ever) and, I regret having done it. Then, when I don't say it, I get down on myself for being a punk bitch, and I regret having not done it, then I do it, and get still don't get the desired response. It's a never ending cycle.



It's true, that I like chaos. I'll be the first to admit that if things ran smoothly in my life I'd seek out some sort of conflict just for the sake of feeling comfortable.

Lately, life just seems to be disappointment, after disappointment. Let down, after let down.

Blah after blah.



I struggle with ways to deal with these series of unfortunate events. They expand, and gather together and eventually my runneth over and I have some sort of emotional meltdown.

I'm getting better at keeping those meltdowns private, but obviously I still like to blog about them.

If I didn't, what would I have to blog about?



Lately I've lost the ability to channel any sort of excitement at all. I think I just somehow got to this place where I figured it's easiest to just not bother with it all so that the letdowns aren't as devastating.

I became that guy that thinks it's better to remain in the dumps, than to repeatedly experience the up, then the down.

It takes alot of disappointments to become this way, and in doing so, one really does lose sight of just how important it is to experience the ups, even if they're always followed by the downs.



Without the sensations that come along with the good things, you don't get any sort of balance, and you become this really ugly person.



This is the person I've been. It's not the person I desire to be, I don't think it's the person anyone desires to be. It just kind of happens. You don't even see it happening, until you find yourself in this place, and you wonder how the hell you got there. How you could've prevented it, or even delayed its inevitability. You search for things to blame it on. People hurting you, things happening, the lack of things happening. It's what you do. It's all you have to make sense of it.



I've kinda made a life out of this. It's a part of me. It's like my elbow, or my esophagus. My brainwaves or my heartbeat. You take these excuses away, and I'm a pile of rubble. I'm non-existant. I've used them for so long, that without them, I'm not really anything. I'm not really anyone.

Without something to blame, you have to turn the tables towards yourself. And, I'd presume it's easier to place blame on other people and other things, than it is to blame yourself for everything.

Maybe that's where the problem is. I go back and forth between the two. Blaming myself and blaming everything else. I pick and choose when to do blame which, and when that lightens up I dwell on the other option.



I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be any way that I've been.

I understand what compels people to pack up and start over. Reinvent yourself in a new place. Give yourself a second, third, fourth, or seventy third chance to start over. Sometimes the life you build for yourself becomes so uncomfortable, so unfamiliar, so...unacceptable that you've got no other hope but to run away.

Redefining yourself has got to be a liberating event. Yet, it seems so cowardly at the same time.



I stuggle with what the best option is. Run away. Try to become something different.Become someone brand new. Or try to fix the one I am. Problem is, I'm not sure that either can ever be done.

I look at the person I am. The things that go through my mind, the insecurities, the fears, the list of failures that read like accomplishments....and I wonder just how possible these goals are. How much hope can there be, for someone that can't catch a break, can't make a move, can't stay still.

I'm both the strongest, and weakest person I know. And I'll never be one or the other.



It's ironic that the things in life a person measures themselves by the most, are the things that seem so difficult to obtain. The reassurances one needs for motivational purposes are the things that come the hardest.

For me, you can't have one without the other. So, I'm always distraught.



I think I'm the most fucked up person I know. I've got so much intelligence, and common sense, until forced to apply it to myself. I live in a fantasy world, where I'm both the best and worst.

I'm the hero and the villain. And my life is one giant tug of war.



No matter what happens, I pull the other half of me into the mud.

So, I'm always both a winner, and a loser.

Problem is, all I can find the time to humor is the losing side.



I often wonder how many peoples' lives I've impacted. And of those people, how many have been for the better. I find myself doubting that the results are one in which I'd like to learn.

From my experiences, I feel like I've hurt more than I've helped. I've torn down more than I've built up.

And generally, I think everyone that evicts me from their life or that I've evicted from mine, is much better off not having to deal with the virus that I seem to inject in their lives.

That sounds worse than I mean it to....I just doubt the good that I bring to the table anymore. It seems like...the good parts of me are so hard to reach.
I'm not even sure they exist anymore.

Thank Full.

Being the day after Thanksgiving, I'm a smidge too late to write that blog listing all the things I'm thankful for.

The fact is, im not really thankful for the things I have or the obstacles I've overcome. I'm not particularly grateful either.

But I am proud. I may not have the best life, with the most amazing things. And, I may not always be surrounded by a loving family and a large number of friends.

But, I've made it through alot of things that people my age don't normally go through. And, I'm not in complete shambles.

I'm proud of mysef for always sticking to my guns. I voice my opinions, and I fight for the things I believe in. I don't let people walk all over me, and I don't walk all over people.
I am honest. And trustworthy. And with each day I make strides towards becoming a person that isn't hurtful to others for no apparent reason.

I pay my bills, I remember my debts.
Most of all, I respect myself, and show respect to others. (unless they disrespect me)

As hard as life can be sometimes, I really am glad that I've gone through every single thing that I have. Every thing is a learning experience. And, I've learned alot.

Everything I've done. The people I've formed friendships and relationships with, the things I've overcome, and ..the failures that have devoured me...They've all mademe who I am.
That person is not one I'm always completely comfortable with, I'm not always the most secure or confident.
But, I am always chugging along towards that goal. And, I'm glad that I'm as far as I am, and not in an even worse place.

I've reached a place where I'm tired of lying down idely watching the things, people and ideas that matter to me, disappear.

So, I guess I am thankful. Thankful that i've managed to keep some sanity in this world. And, I'm not ready to give up trying.

*shrug*

Better in Time?

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you find a song that fits exactly how you feel at that particular moment and the only way to keep you from completely losing it is to repeat the song over, and over, and over again?
I'm in one of those moods. Truth be told, I've been in one all day but there's been people around me, so I've had to just keep the song playing over and over in my head until I was able to retreat to my room and unleash my I-tunes.

This week marks the beginning of the holidays. This part of the year is always touch and go with me. Depending on where I find myself in life it's either bad, or really bad.

I've always been invited to go somewhere for the holidays. Some random set of friends, or family of friends. People have always tried to make me feel welcome. But, with that comes the fact that, it isn't really the same.

I don't like feeling like a burden, or an intruder. And, most times I know that's not the case. But, it's also hard to not feel that way.
I haven't spent a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with a member of my own family since 1999.
As long as it's been, one would think with time it gets easier. When in fact it gets harder.

I've recieved several invites this year. I go through a different range of emotions with each invitation. Gratitude, and shame all at the same time.
Thank you for inviting me. Fuck you for feeling bad for me. Pity me. Ignore me. Toss me aside. Hold me close.
It's a complicated thing to explain.
I guess when I reallydig down and think about it, it goes deeper than just the holidays.
I always feel like I'm bothering someone. Like I'm an inconvenience.
I think to a certain extent these are facts, though probably not as serious as I tend to assume.
It causes me to both push to hard, and pull away too fast at the same time. So I end up running away, yet dragging someone along at the same time.

The holidays get the worst of it, because it's the one time that I want to be both left alone, and comforted at the same time. There's a certain hardship that comes along with not having a great relationship with your family. You tend to lose that confirmation that you matter in the world.

Most people get that with phone calls and visits. Cards or concerns.
And, with me, I rely on my few friendships and myself to build that reiteration.

I guess I was never intelligent to understand how important these things are. Without them, you develop so many more insecurities.
Insecurities that tear you down. Disassemble you. Break you apart.

The more time that passes, the easier it gets to want to be by myself, and the harder it gets to actually do it.
The more it goes on, the more I curl mylip when I get invited to someone elses' traditions.
It's not that im not humbled by it, or that I'm ungrateful.
It's that I'm ashamed. Embarrassed.
I'm 26 years old, and it seems so young to...not have anyone.

It's not even a relationship thing. I mean, I guess that factors into it too, but its so much more than that.

I don't have anyone to really.....lean on. I don't have anyone to cry with. I don't have anyone to cling to.

Maybe I've had a person for that too often in my life, and at this stage it's better that I don't have these things. But, it doesnt feel that way.

I think of Christmas time. I make a list of people I should buy for. Then I make a list of people that will buy something for me.
Comparing these lists teaches a person alot.

Sure, a persons' self worth isnt measured by these things....and it shouldn't be. But, yet it is.

It just seems like good things are happening to everyone around me. And, it seems to just get worse for me.
Maybe I'm jealous, or bitter.
I've always told people that I'm not bitter. (because everyone thats ever meant anything to me...always calls me that)
I'm realizing that I am bitter.
I am Nick, and I am a very bitter person.

I'm fed-up with the mediocrity I live in. I'm tired of being sad.I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't really...matter to people.
Maybe with that, I should stop pretending that people don't matter to me.

I'm so much more than people get to see.
And, I think that people are both extremely lucky, and extremely unfortunate for not getting to see.

I'm simply exhausted with trying to be what people want, or what I think I need to be. I wish I could just learn to....be more.

Seems like the struggling goes on. It intensifies. Multiplies. It spreads like wildfire.

My song says it'll all get better in time.
And I think i've listened to it about 157 times. Maybe a few more and I'll actually believe it.

(im hardly an optimist)

Tried to make me go to rehab....

Someone that I know and consider myself pretty close with was recently diagnosed as Bi-Polar. I think if everyone that I knew went to see a doctor, a large number of them would lso be diagnosed as that. I think doctors are quick diagnose people as different things. Mostly just because people in general like definitions. We like answers, results. And, the best way to give us some sort of comfort within ourselves (even if its not what we'd like to hear) is to give us an excuse. A reason.
That's not saying that alot of people aren't bi-polar. But...since when does mood swings and sudden changes in how we feel, make us need medication?
Whatever happened to just dealing with our problems?

With that said, I fully believe I'm Bi-Polar. Possibly Tri, or quad even. As, anyone that ever REALLY gets to know me can attest to.

I'm not really sure how it all came to pass.
I've always kind of been two different people. The one who projects himself as a strong, confident, happy person.Loud, and boisterous. One who doesn't particularly care what people say, or think. One that places himself first above all other things.

And then there's the private me. The one thats quiet, and reserved. Lonely, and weak. The one that sees people sad, and....feels horrible. One thats shy, and caring. Considerate and concerned with the world and the people in it. One that actually cares more about other people than himself.

I spend alot of time trying to be one these people. Instead infusing them together to create one person. One perfectly imperfect, tragically beautiful, self-lessly selfish people.
It's a balancing act I'm not so great at.

I'm a very observant person. Being a bartender teaches you things about watchings peoples' actions and body language. Lately, the things around me...are depressing.

On a daily basis I watch so many people destroy themselves and the people around them.
Losing themselves in a world of drugs or alcohol. Abandoning the ones they love.
The last few days I've watched people cry because their feelings were hurt. Someone they love treating them bad, and doing things that are destroying themselves. Someone being infatuated with someone, only to watch them leave with someone else.
It's my job to see these things. And, sometimes you can make it through without noticing the heartbreak. Sometimes you cant.
In these last few days I've seen a couple fight, only to drive off and get into an accident where, one is still hospitalized. I've watched someone else break yet another promise. Make another hurtful comment. React in ways that only distance themselves from the very things they vow to protect and cherish.

Maybe it's silly, but after awhile, it gets to you. You see that...this is how the world is. People letting other people down. Pushing other people away. Seemingly tossing away things that should matter.

I find myself getting angry, because I too fall into these categories. I see what I do, yet I make no change. I too, continue to slowly deconstruct myself.
I push too hard. I pull too fast. I run too far.
It seems that everything scares me. At least everything but the things that are actually doing the worst to me.

It's sad when you watch people squander their potential. I guess I know what some people might feel about me.
So much talent, and promise. So little drive and determination.

I feel like Amy Winehouse. Without the money. The hair. The crack.
So..I guess im not like her at all....but you get the drift.

I'm starting to come to terms with certain things. I have a pecking order of things I want for my life, and im beginning to understand that some of those things arent possible. Perhaps they never will be.

I've been so..exhausted. It seems everything has just left me out of breath. Focusing on one thing, then directly onto another and then another. Major problem after major problem. Dramatic event after dramatic event.

This upcoming year is going to be even more of that. My dad is scheduled to be released from jail in the early portion of 2009. It's, exciting..and scary all rolled into one.

I've noticed that somewhere along the way...I've stopped living.
I mean, I'm alive. But, my life is just ...wake up. work. wake up and bitch cuz yer broke cuz yer not working today.
I never have things planned, or anything.
My sole purpose in the world is to wake up so that I can pay my bills. And...that's not working for me anymore.

I've sunk into a pretty bad depression, and I find myself wanting to drink to get wasted every single day. If I'm not drinking, I'm daydreaming of little shot glasses floating by my head. Craving the next time I'll have one.

I'm reaching this point in life where I wanna completely reinvent myself. Erase the template and start over. Change what I'm doing, and where I'm going.

I just find myself lacking so many different things to do so, that it overwhelms me.
And instead of picking a place to start, I wait for the place to pick me.
And, that. is why I'm where I'm at.
Right smack dab in the middle of all the people I look at and say "its too bad. they have so much to offer...and...just throw it away".

We all need our own sort of rehab to pull ourselves out of the dark times in our lives. I don't think that means having to go away to a place of seclusion and talking to people in a circle about your problems. I think rehabilitation is a thing that really only exists in your mind.
Giving yourself the abilities to believe in yourself. Instilling hope and passion for yourself. Placing yourself in a state of mind that can overcome fear and failure and the things that try tol hold us down.
I don' t think pills, and groups are the answers to these things.
Perhaps these are things that give certain people things to believe in.
But, all of the tools are there for each every one of us.

Personally, I just wish we as people would start using them.
And, I write my name on the very top of that list.
It's time.

Grievances.

After refusing to repost a bulletin I read earlier, I'm spending the next few minutes planning ways to improve my luck, which is apparently going to be shitty for the next 15 years.



It makes you wonder what life was like before all these ridiculous forwards were introduced to ruin the luck of the human race for the next decade plus. It's absurd!



I know I stepped on a few cracks, and my mothers back never broke.



I've broken mirrors, opened umbrellas indoors, but....not even these things put a bad joo-joo on you for FIFTEEN years.

Hell, gum only stays in your system for 7. (lol)

It's like when you get one of those wank-ass text messages telling you how great of a person you are, and how thankful so-and-so is to have you in their life. But, you secretly know that they just forwarded it to like 3534151 people, twelve of which were all in the room with you when you got it (and so did they cuz you all collectively said "ugh..i hate forwards) leading you to think "god...how special can I be, I just heard *insert name* get the same text, and I know he hates that bitch".
People. Listen. Your luck isn't gonna change if you don't pass that shit on. It might even improve. I mean, at least I won't hate you more.
Your family members aren't gonna die cuz you didn't post it. And, contrary to what it says...you probably will have sex again at some point.
Unless you look like Jon Lovitz. (or...infact ARE Jon Lovitz. I don't care what kinda residuals "A League of their Own" gives him...there can't be many people fucking him willingly)

I don't need any text message with an embedded picture of a heart and some roses with it, to confirm my friendships. If you find yourself sitting there thinking "hmm...I wonder if Nicklous knows how much I love him"...A simple "Hey Nick...Just wanted to text you and let you know that I fucking love you" will suffice. I'll prolly text back with "awe...I fucking love you too". Unless I don't, which...I might be wondering why you're texting me that you love me, if I don't love you back in the first place. But, even still I'd prolly text you back with an "awe..me too! so whats up" (avoiding saying I love you, if you don't infact love someone, is perfectly acceptable. Trust me, I do it all the time at work) lol

Another grievance I have is people that act like assholes, then act like they know they were an asshole. I like my assholes to be dirty, shady assholes. I want you to pretend you never did anything.
So, Craig. It's safe to order from me at the bar. You don't have to lurk around B and pretend you aren't thirsty. We both know you're a raging alcoholic. Let's not pretend you came there, seen me and suddenly want to pass it off as not bein in the mood to drink. I make drinks for alot of people I don't like. Just as I'm sure everyone you make a pizza for isn't on your Christmas card list. So, Fear not. As much as I'd like to spit in your drink (or...you know..worse) I'm not like that.
(I actually wouldn't come to you for a drink either...but...you know..this is about me. Not you. Douchebag)
While we're on grievances...I've got a few more.

People that claim to be your "best friend" or "one of your best friends" yet...lie to you over the dumbest shit. I don't need to know everything you do, but if you are gonna tell me what you did...TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, not some fabricated version of what you did. Once it's a lie..it's not what you did....It becomes what you DIDNT do.

I'm also not fond of people who start talking to someone, fall head over heels, then gets fucked over, then forgives, then gets fucked over again, then forgives, then lied to and fucked over 37 times in a row, then...comes bitching and moaning to their friend (who is ALWAYS there for them) then...because they fall for the same old routine, and said friend wants nothing to do with the lying sonodacunt.....basically treats the friend like they've done something wrong, and makes them feel like a complete outsider.

I don't like people that don't return phone calls. I don't like people that pretend other peoples' feelings aren't important.
I mean, I'm a dickhead...and I'm still aware that other people matter. It's not always just about me.

I'm also very upset with MTV. Myself being an avid fan of DVR, I record almost everything that I view on television. I couldn't even tell you the last thing I watched live. (it was LOST last night..I couldn't wait) I don't know what's wrong with MTV, maybe it's that fuckin MTV News bullshit they do, that throws off all the programming by 3 minutes, or what...but I'm sick and fucking tired of missing the end of the fucking Real World:Brooklyn.
You'd think some genuis would figure out a way to make DVR record the whole god damned program, not just the time the program is scheduled for.
It's more than just MTV, too.
The Academy Awards. Every year, they go way over. The year Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress,...They announce her name. She walks up. Starts crying. And....says...
Nothing. Show over. All I get is "delete program" or "do not delete program".
I still dunno what she said.

The year Carrie Underwood won American Idol.
There she is. (Ryan Seacrest)
And, theres Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Holding hands.
And the winner is...

"delete program" "do not delete program".
I had to look it up online, after my roomate and I stood there...jaws dropped momentarily cause we couldn't believe we waited all season for that moment..and then...didn't get it.

And, I won't even mention the fact that CBS' schedule on Sundays is ALWAYS fucked up during football season. Every sunday, I get half of 60 minutes, and the first half of the Amazing Race. And, lets face it...the second half is WAY better than the first half.

Another debacle I'm having is idiots in my apartment building. Every weekend some random asshole has dumped beer all over in one of the elevators, or left trash all over one of the elevators.
Cat Litter, all over one of the elevators. Food, all over the elevators. Silly string, all over the elevators.
I wanna write a note like "hey...assholes. Im not sure how you prefer the place YOU fucking live in, to look...but I prefer it to not look like I'm twelve years old and sleep in a fucking twin size bed shaped like a racecar. So, if you could please try not to throw your shit allllll over the place, and keep it confined to your own apartment, that'd be great. I kinda like not having cockroaches. But, I can't speak for everyone here. Obviously."
Like, do you not have respect for yourself? Who the fuck wants to live in a place like that?

What about people that come out to the bar, and pay with nickles and dimes. Or, give me two dimes and a nickle and ask for a solid quarter.
Or, pay with nickles and dimes, and apologize for it. then 20 minutes later pay with a 20 dollar bill.
I gotta tell people ahead of time "we don't take any kind of change except quarters" cause these bitches are tryin to pay outta their fuckin piggy banks.
If you ain't got money, don't go out. It's simple. The bar is not the fucking bank.

lol.

I guess that's all for now.

On a completely unrelated note...
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel exactly once our newly elected president took office.
I don't at all consider myself political. However after listening to him speak, (and getting teary eyed) I find myself suddenly interested. Suddenly excited.
I don't know if Barrack Obama will be a successful president. I know he's oft compared to John F. Kennedy.
I don't know what great, or lackluster things he will accomplish.
But, I do know that he holds a special ability to speak directly to the hearts of people. I've experienced a sense of excitement when he talks. He offers me inspiration.
And, that is something to be spoken for.
I don't know anything about his policies, or what he promises to do, or whether he can achieve anything more than idle promises...
But I do know that he has the ability to inspire a generation. He has the power to invoke change, and offer hope. And, that goes alot further than one might choose to believe.
A few months ago, I didn't really care who became president.
I can honestly say that I'm very glad that this person was elected.
I think there's a very strong possibility that he will go down as one of the best political faces to ever helm the United States of America.
(and..if I'm wrong...who the fuck cares..I said I know nothing about politics.)
lol.

As long as he gets the DVR thing fixed. I'm good.

Jibber Jabber

I've been very uncharacteristic lately.
Biting my tongue, hiding my feelings.

I'm typically not a person who keeps his voice silent. Lately it's just felt htat with the way everything's gone, perhaps not saying how I feel would be better.
So, I've played the role out. I've let people think I like them when I don't. I've let people think I don't like them when I do. Allowing myself to be fake to people is something I'm not really fond of, but I guess I felt like the person I actually am isn't getting me anywhere, so maybe I should take on a different persona.

And, in these weeks I've found that,that isn't the answer. I've felt like a complete sell-out. A phony. An imposter to my own being.
I've spent most everyday over the last few weeks drunk. If not drunk, than wishing I was drunk.
I'm looking at my life and seeing how truly lost I am. Wandering, and wandering. Aimlessly. With no destination.
I've been really sad, though that's not really anything new. I'm a sad person. The difference is, trying to pretend you aren't sad, when you are...makes things 2545432396 times worse.
I haven't been writing. At all.
That makes it worse too. When you stop participating in your only emotional ventilation system...your emotions go into overload and you're one big emotional mess.
Tie that together with the mass amounts of alcohol and all the general concerns I've got right now, and it's a volatile mixture.
I can't say that life isn't overwhelming me right now. If anyone's ever watched "Coupling" (the british version) there was the episode of the Giggleloop. It's when you want to laugh at something, and you try to hold it in, but the more you hold it in, the harder it gets to not explode. And eventually the weight gets too heavy, and you burst into this outrageous fit of laughter and an inopportune time.
I'm going through my own personal giggleloop, only its not laughter I'm holding in. It's all sorts of anger and fear. Sadness, and just this huge amount of depression I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I just want to be able to let it all out. To feel like it's okay to do so, and to not feel guilty or stupid about it all afterwards.

I've lost hold of my ideas and goals. And find myself in this bubble that I can't seem to pop. Instead of feeling like I'm a part of the world, I feel like everything around me is seen from this bubble. Like I'm not really a part of anything.
I don't feel like I have a place. Kind of like I don't fit in. It's like the world keeps going. Keeps changing and growing and becoming something else, while me and my bubble remain idle. Stuck. Encaged.

There's that old idea that says sometimes you need to hit rock bottom. I feel like if I'm not there already, I don't havemuch further to go. Then there's that saying that says life is just testing you. Making you stronger, so you're prepared. I feel like my whole life has been a test. One big giant test that seems to prepare me for more testing. I'm tired of being tested. Though I guess the arguement could be made that, I must be continually failing or eventually it'd ease up.

Alls not completely terrible in the world, I mean...I suppose it could be even worse. Just seems like theres a consecutive string of shitty things happening to me. And, the more they come the harder they pelt me in the face.
And, eventually something good would be appreciated.
I guess everyone has their struggles. Mine aren't anymore important than anyone elses'. But mine are the only ones I have to carry with me on a daily basis, so I guess that gives me a justified reason to make mountains out of molehills.
I'm giving a sincere effort towards pulling myself out of all of this. I'm just not sure how identifiable I'll be once it's all over. I think for me to find my peace, and any bit of happiness..alot of things need to change.
And there's something threatning about that.
Or, maybe I'm just a pussy.