Jibber Jabber

I've been very uncharacteristic lately.
Biting my tongue, hiding my feelings.

I'm typically not a person who keeps his voice silent. Lately it's just felt htat with the way everything's gone, perhaps not saying how I feel would be better.
So, I've played the role out. I've let people think I like them when I don't. I've let people think I don't like them when I do. Allowing myself to be fake to people is something I'm not really fond of, but I guess I felt like the person I actually am isn't getting me anywhere, so maybe I should take on a different persona.

And, in these weeks I've found that,that isn't the answer. I've felt like a complete sell-out. A phony. An imposter to my own being.
I've spent most everyday over the last few weeks drunk. If not drunk, than wishing I was drunk.
I'm looking at my life and seeing how truly lost I am. Wandering, and wandering. Aimlessly. With no destination.
I've been really sad, though that's not really anything new. I'm a sad person. The difference is, trying to pretend you aren't sad, when you are...makes things 2545432396 times worse.
I haven't been writing. At all.
That makes it worse too. When you stop participating in your only emotional ventilation system...your emotions go into overload and you're one big emotional mess.
Tie that together with the mass amounts of alcohol and all the general concerns I've got right now, and it's a volatile mixture.
I can't say that life isn't overwhelming me right now. If anyone's ever watched "Coupling" (the british version) there was the episode of the Giggleloop. It's when you want to laugh at something, and you try to hold it in, but the more you hold it in, the harder it gets to not explode. And eventually the weight gets too heavy, and you burst into this outrageous fit of laughter and an inopportune time.
I'm going through my own personal giggleloop, only its not laughter I'm holding in. It's all sorts of anger and fear. Sadness, and just this huge amount of depression I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I just want to be able to let it all out. To feel like it's okay to do so, and to not feel guilty or stupid about it all afterwards.

I've lost hold of my ideas and goals. And find myself in this bubble that I can't seem to pop. Instead of feeling like I'm a part of the world, I feel like everything around me is seen from this bubble. Like I'm not really a part of anything.
I don't feel like I have a place. Kind of like I don't fit in. It's like the world keeps going. Keeps changing and growing and becoming something else, while me and my bubble remain idle. Stuck. Encaged.

There's that old idea that says sometimes you need to hit rock bottom. I feel like if I'm not there already, I don't havemuch further to go. Then there's that saying that says life is just testing you. Making you stronger, so you're prepared. I feel like my whole life has been a test. One big giant test that seems to prepare me for more testing. I'm tired of being tested. Though I guess the arguement could be made that, I must be continually failing or eventually it'd ease up.

Alls not completely terrible in the world, I mean...I suppose it could be even worse. Just seems like theres a consecutive string of shitty things happening to me. And, the more they come the harder they pelt me in the face.
And, eventually something good would be appreciated.
I guess everyone has their struggles. Mine aren't anymore important than anyone elses'. But mine are the only ones I have to carry with me on a daily basis, so I guess that gives me a justified reason to make mountains out of molehills.
I'm giving a sincere effort towards pulling myself out of all of this. I'm just not sure how identifiable I'll be once it's all over. I think for me to find my peace, and any bit of happiness..alot of things need to change.
And there's something threatning about that.
Or, maybe I'm just a pussy.