Optimism.

It's ironic how it seems to always take a bad thing, to birth a good thing.

I laid in bed last night, and I actually couldn't stop smiling. I can't tell you the last time I couldn't stop smiling. It's weird, because I've got some very hard things going on right now.
But, for the first time in my life, I'm not looking at them as set-backs or obstacles to prevent me from trying.
I'm looking at them as tests to my character. Things there for me to overcome.

One in particular hangs over me. Instead of shutting down, and acting afraid...I move forward in hope.

It's so amazing to myself how completely rejuvenated I am.
I feel brand new. And...for the first time in a long time, I feel just a little bit proud of myself.

Just writing those words...is like..WHAT?!?!

I'm literally freaking myself out.
I stood looking outside yesterday, and I just thought...God. How beautiful the world is.
How amazing the entrie place is. And, so many of us waste or time being selfish. Wrapped up in our own web of....whatever our webs are made of.

And, I'm just so excited to feel this way.

The real task at hand, isn't convincing myself. Though, that is a difficult one. The real hard part is changing the minds of the people that know me, or have known me.
Opening the worlds' eyes to the person I'm determined to remain, is alot harder than one might think. Especially when you've been so messed up, and....just...mean.

I laid in bed, and I just thought of all the times that something good happened to me, and how I managed to squander it, because I was in such a negative place.
I'm happy to say that, those days are gone.

It's so weird, writing things that aren't dreary. It's strange not to be using some metaphor of withering branches or darkened roads, to say how I'm feeling.

I feel....like something amazing has swept through me, and I suddenly see what myself, and most people have been missing.

With that said. I want to leave with some quotes that I've found that, inspire me. If you have any, feel free to leave them in the comments. (Play along this time...lazy blog reader people)

Rollo May
"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."

Jason Jordan
"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll." ~Author Unknown

Albert Einstein
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

“There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.Some are running scared.Some are coming home.Some tell lies to make it through the day.Others are just now facing the truth.Some are evil men, at war with good.And some are good, struggling with evil.6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and all you need is one” -One Tree Hill-

A Quick Update.

I know this is two blogs in a short period of time...You secretly love it.

I just want it to be documented here, that today starts the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
I am taking the appropriate steps towards becoming a person I am proud of.

I am getting into contact with my mother. It is for her to lose, or her to gain. But the burden I've carried over it, is going to be eliminated and her decisions thereafter fall on her, and her alone. I am giving one last opportunity for the both of us to do what's right. I'll keep you updated.

I am on the wagon. No booze for me. While this saddens a part of me, the bigger part is excited to accomplish something. I quit smoking successfully (on my own) and, booze is the next thing. Not that I don't like booze, but I'm not at a point where I don't abuse alcohol to patch up some problem or emotion. And, until I can get to that point, I'm okay with not messing with the stuff. It's just gonna be hard to keep my boss from trying to force feed it. But, I'm a fairly strongwilled person. So, we'll see with that too.

I am going to the DMV tomorrow. I finally got my paperwork taken care of, tickets are long gone, everything is ready...and I'm excited to say that it should not be long until I'm driving again. Which admittedly, I've said before.
This time is different.
My mindset is different, and I have this sudden burst of confidence. I know that the best of things are on the horizon for me. It makes me smile.

I've been sending out emails to people. Apologizing for the things I've done. I regret alot of the things I've done. Ways I've hurt people. And, I'm done with being that person. It doesn't get one very far in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I think it takes you further back.

And, soon...I plan on severely looking for another job. As soon as I'm driving...it's numero uno on my list.

As for anything else, I'm just going to try my best. Show the word and those around me that I'm serious, and this is a complete upheaval.
I have one very important hope/wish...that I hope I get to complete successfully. But, I'm not going to discuss that here.
The things closest to my heart remain a secret.

Anyway.
I just wanted to write about where I'm at. At this exact moment.

Good day.

Nothing Comes Easy.

Nothing comes easy I say.
Not the sunlight. Not the rain.
Not the brows bend at thought.

No, nothing comes easy.
Especially love.


Nothing comes easy they say.
Not the moonlight. Not the rainbow.
Not the gentle touch of a friend.

No, nothing comes easy.
Especially love.

Nothing comes easy you say.
Not the smiles. Not the frown.
Not success, at the cost of yourself.

No, Nothing comes easy.
Especially love.

Nothing comes easy I say.
Not the dreams. Not the schemes.
Not the ideas in which we believe.
Not the joys. Not the dismays.
Not the comfort we lend to each other.
Not the teardrops. Not the headaches.
Not the times we glare, but say nothing.
Nothing comes easy.
Not chances. Or opportunities.
Not hope or consideration.
Not freedom or togetherness.
Not forgiveness. Not regret.
Not worry or pride.
Shame or confusion.
Not peace. Or devotion.

No, nothing comes easy.
Especially love.

(But the world tries)
And So shall I.

I hope that everyone who reads this, does too.

It is a sad world, when hope is gone from ourselves.
It's the one thing that everyone needs.
Or, at least me.

Death. or. something.

Earlier yesterday morning, and throughout most of the day I was half-assed trying to figure out the words I wanted to write in regards to a man at the bar whom passed away.
There was a time in my life that I recall saying "other than my grandmother..Ive never really had to deal with death".
Then my grandfather died, and since...it seems people that I've grown to know and love drop like flies.
Having worked in the gay bar scene for practically my entire adult life....so many of the people that I've served have become ; in a sense, my family.
Not everyone you meet makes a lasting impression. Not everyone I've gotten used to making rum and cokes, or scotch and waters for, makes an impact on your life.
I have been unfortunate enough to meet some of the biggest douchebags out there. And, at that same time been fortunate enough to meet alot of wonderful people.
People that, if not for my job...probably would have never spoken to. Never gotten to know. Never grown to love.

Its funny how you dont realize things. You think that because it's your job, it somehow desensitizes you to the world and the emotions that are a part of it.

Someone that I've seen at least 3 times a week, for the past.....three years...is no longer going to be there.
And, it changes you.
It is with a heavy heart, I know that I'll never see this person again. And, even though we rarely spoke, news of his passing hit me like a brick wall, and I found myself crying almost hysterically over this person that, by most accounts....I shouldnt be so emotional over.
I wanted to write something beautiful. Something amazing, that reminds someone, anyone, or just myself of this man that...tended to stay really quiet, until he felt his voice was imperitive to a situation.

I mauled with what to say. What do you say??
He was like...80. Or..so.
I'm sure he experienced things I'll never even..understand.

And..so I let it slide, and figured I'd write about it when the right moment came along. I'd write about it when the right words come to mind.

Maybe now isn't that time. But I suddenly feel like talking about death.

It's generally, most peoples' ultimate fear. Or at least the conclusion of most peoples fear. I mean, I don't think anyone is afraid of heights and says "oh my god...i could fall of this mountain thousands of feet, and....get up and walk home"
It's "oh my god..im gonna fall and die.

Anyway...death.

Theres so many forms of it. It comes in so many facets.
I believe there is the physical death. The mental death. A spiritual death.
You can feel like death, look like death. Smell like death.

And then there are those times when you just feel dead.

Not because your tired, or sick or anything like that.
But, just because you are down. For whatever reasons. Maybe you've gone through alot.
And maybe you've just lost something or someone.

I think most people have probably experienced this at least once in their life.

Theres a whole issue with mourning over life and death. Those that keep living mourn those that they've lost.
But I wonder if those that were lost, are the ones actually mourning because we're still here?

Maybe they go to heaven or some form of whatever afterlife spot they believe in.

Maybe this place. Here. This is where hell is?
It has to be. As much pain and grief and loss and.....heartache that this life entails...I simply cannot believe that it gets worse.
I have said goodbye to people I barely know. I've said goodbye to people I've disliked. I've said goodbye to people I was fond of, and people I've loved with all I have and know.
And whether it be because of death, or just life....changing at the speed of.....change.....Each time someone that matters or doesnt matter goes away whether physically or mentally....it still feels like death.

I stand at a crossroads. Arms wide. Outstretched and trembling.
My feet buckle and my eyes cry.
And I pray to the person that controls the world. God, Jesus. Some random bag lady. You. Yourself. Myself. Whomever it be. I pray to that person.
And I ask..
For just a small bit of help.

I'm tired of losing people that matter.

9021Oh hell yeah!

So..Lately I've been so certifiably crazy/depressed that the only thing I've been able to write has been "wah wah wah..wah.wah. wahwahwahwahwah".
So, I've decided that I'll take a moment (albeit brief) to discuss the things that are making me happy right now.

According to the way things are happening, I should be peaking with excitement.

Madonna has a new cd out that is quite possibly her best since Ray of Light.
So You Think You Can Dance is back.

Coldplay has a new cd on the way.
Theres a remake of Beverly Hills 90210 in the works, debuting on th CW in the Fall. (and..the original rocked my fuckin shit as a kid/teen)
Lindsay Lohan has a new single. (I love that crazy bitch)

My three favorite authors have all released new books recently. Christopher Rices' Blind Fall, Augusten Burroughs' A Wolf at the Table, and David Sedaris' When You are Engulfed in Flames.

The new Narnia movie.
The 6th Harry Potter movie is coming in November. Granted thats months away..I'm still poppin a boner at the thought.

I mean...these are all things that I consider favorites. It's like the perfect year.
Only thing that could make it better would be a Fiona Apple or Tori Amos cd.
Plus I got to See the Lion King musical a few months ago.

Seemingly, nothing short of being forced to sit through some crappy Meg Ryan movie, or something starring Crazyface (known to you as Bjork) singing about the trees and seeing it all or some stupid metaphoric "i kill people" bullshit, could bring me down from this entertainment euphoria.

And, after seeing Juno, and reading her article in Entertainment Weekly, Diablo Cody is my new favorite person. I dont care how many old bald men with coke bottle glasses she had to blow to get where she's at....She's the poo.

Anywhoo..That's all for now. I've got shit to attend to.

*shrug*

I just spent over an hour writing a blog that I've deleted.
It was coming across very depressing (even for me) so I've decided against it.

I acted foolishly today. Selfishly. And I wish I hadn't.

The problem with it all, is that I struggle with feeling good enough for things.

I'm a really difficult person to be around, and I drive people crazy.

I've got so many hangups and issues, that I can't even comprehend them myself, let alone try to explain them.

I take the weirdest things personal. And 95% of the time that I'm sad or mad, its because I am so upset at myself.
I take things out on myself sooo badly that I find myself just needing to know that theres something good about me.
I've lost sight of whatever that thing is.

And its very hurtful to be so down on yourself.
It's incredibly painful.

I need so much from people.
I just feel stupid. All the time.
It makes me want to disappear sometimes. Because I'm ashamed, or whatever else.

I just wish I knew how to remind myself that I'm not a complete failure.
It's how I spend most of my time.....Degrading myself.

I just wish I had a day when I wasnt feeling negatively towards myself.

Thats all.