Moving!

I've moved my blog to http://xtraordinarymachine82.wordpress.com/

If you wanna keep track of my shit, that'll be the new place to go.

*lick*

Bitter, Party of One?

If there is one word I have been called over any other, it would be "bitter".

Everyone I've grown close to. Everyone I've loved.

I'm always "bitter".

This description of me always ignites anger. Denial. An intensified need to dispute.

Noone likes to be called bitter. Noone wants to feel like that's what other people think of me.

I look back on these people. And, the times that fell upon them and myself during most of these accusations, and I wonder if I was truly the bitter one, or were they?

Now, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not difficult, and stubborn. Agitating and nerve-racking.

I also won't pretend that I don't hold grudges, or get angry and say the first thing that comes to my mind. And more often than not, I don't stop at the first thing that comes to mind. I say eeeevery single possible thing that comes to mind.

I've never understood what it is about my persona, my demeanor, my actions and my words ultimately lead people to the word "bitter".

When I hear it, it reminds me of ..some old lady who used to be this really happy person. Then one day the love of her life died in some freak accident involving a frisbee, a doberman, and a firetruck. She got depressed, moved into some little shack by a graveyard where she doesn't take care of her yard, and when children near her property she screams out to leave her alone or they'll be the ham-hock in her next stew.

Someone that, has no joy. Sparks no smile. Stirs no emotions but negativity.

Maybe I'm a little biased because, it's me they're talking about...But, I just don't think bitter is the right word.

The more think about it, the more it bothers me. And, the more it bothers me, the more I think about it.
Just because I don't take shit off people, can be ruthless and don't walk around spitting rainbows from my asshole all day, doesn't mean I have to be labeled as a bitter person.

Truth be told, I think im quite far from bitter.
I've led a life most people prolly wouldn't choose. I've been through alot, and lord knows I have some issues because of it. However, I think given all of that, I'm in at least a halfway decent state of mind.
Lord knows I could walk around blaming everyone else for my mistakes. But, I'm one of the few people I know that is ALWAYS pointing out what I do wrong, or what I could've done better.

I'm not so sure A "bitter" person would do that.

I've tried to shed this label for years. And, it's something that always lingers.
I'm right handed. Bald. Gay. ...and bitter. (allegedly)

Other than the guy that spit in my face at work, and Craig (the guy who is so tired of reading my blog and hearing me complain that he wants to hand me a knife so I just get it over with) ..I don't hold a grudge against anyone. And, being that.both of those things occured within the last year....
I'm totally not seeing it.

It's making me bitter, trying to figure out why I'm always called bitter. (lol)
Even if I am bitter (which i dispute) who the fuck is anyone else to point it out. If you gotta say "god..yer sucha bitter person". You must be a real asshole. lol.

Anyway, I guess the point is this.

Often times, people are gonna call you something. Maybe they'll be right. Maybe they'll be wrong.
Maybe everyone agrees. Maybe noone agrees.

The only thing that really matters is that you're able to continue your life, unphased by what anyone else thinks of you.
Because you are the only one you need to answer for at the end of the day.

If you don't like me, you can suck on my left nut.
I'm sure the taste is prolly just as bitter as I am.

The Wings of Forgiveness.

Shamefully, I write for the first time in what seems like forever.
I'd like to have some valid excuse for not doing what I know I'm meant to do; but truth be told, I have no excuse.
I guess that's not actually true. I'm sure I have plenty of excuses. Infact, I know I have plenty of excuses. Seems that if theres one thing I was meant to do, other than to write, it's to make excuses.
I'm a professional excusionist.

My reason behind my lack of motivation is simply that. A lack of motivation. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, or not even that I haven't had anything to write. (There was this whole weird thing that happened where I sneezed and swallowed at the same time; a sneezle as it should be called, where all I could think of was the blog I wanted to write. I had it all planned out in my head and it was going to be comedic genuis, but then I put it off and put it off, and now it doesn't seem all that pertinent.
(But, I will say..try your best to avoid sneezling at all cost. It's this fucked up thing and you end up feeling like your eardrums just exploded. Your cheeks hurt, your throat is a mess. It's like you just blew Ron Jeremy for 14 hours and the "stuff" (i have issues with "cum") started coming out of your ears but then stopped midway through)
There's been a few sad days too, where all I've wanted to do was get on here and rant and rave about whatever woe was ailing me at that particular moment. Seems everytime I tried I just procrastinated my way out of it.

So, now here I am a month later. Why now? Why this time? Why didn't I choose to say "ehh..fuck it. I'll write later "?

Well, partially cause I'm doing laundry and I got some time to kill. And, partially because it's just finally that time. My drought is drawing an end, or something.

Life has gotten crazy. Unexpected. Upside down. Topst Turvy , if you will.

I've had an overwhelming amount of stress lately.
Most of it revolving bills and roomate and roomate boyfriend debacles.

It's hard to be struggling. It's even harder to be struggling and watch other people not only take advantage of you, but your friends. It's even harder than that, to express these feelings to your friend.
It's funny how blind people become when they've fallen in love. Or whatever version of it they convince themselves they've fallen into.

Being, the kind of person that speaks his mind, it's often difficult to keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. Especially when you see someone making every subconscious effort to sabotage their life that they possibly can.
It's hard to be that guy that points out the truth.
It's not fair to have to be the one that looks like he isn't in your corner. It's not fun being the guy that doesn't believe in the possibilities for someone, and its even worse when the reason is because those possibilities don't exist.

It's incredibly difficult wavering on the line of giving advice and experiences as a friend, and saying too much to someone that doesn't wanna hear anything but what they want to hear.

It's hard losing people. Yet it's harder watching people lose themselves. As I'm sure some people could justifiably say about myself as well.

I've changed my mental state of mind drastically over the last few weeks. I've, basically become a different person. One that's nearly unrecognizable. It's sucha double edged sword, because while you may have been unhappy with some part of you before, you may not be happy with some part of you after.

Deepak Chopra said. "When you live your life through the filter of the judgment that reality isn’t measuring up to your expectations, then you are no longer living in the present moment, you are living in the past and future. When you simply accept what is there before you as a fact, without judgment, then you are in the present moment and that is a much more effective and powerful place to live from. You are not pretending that you know what is supposed to happen or not, you are just living you life in full awareness of the moment."

I take those words seriously, because it's something I've never been able to fully do. Until recently.
Mistakes or not, I make each decision knowing that it is my now. It is, what it is at that moment, and...that's all it really has to be.

I think sometimes some of the circumstances I've been in, whether directly my doing or not, forced me to become this person that was trying to be more than I could be. Perhaps trying to be something more than I'm capable, or was capable.
And, it left me a very unhappy person.

I'm trying to get rid of that. I've made alot of mistakes lately. Ones that I'm not proud of, and ones that I wouldn't acknowledge if you stood before me and asked. However, I wear the responsibility on my shoulders. I made poor choices, and I've paid and will continue to pay the repercussions of these choices.

I too, have learned from them. And will continue to do so.
Pride, and preserverance are often on complete opposite sides of life. And, I honestly believe some of these actions have put me down a path I need to be on.

Along with some mistakes I've made, I've also lost some friendships along the way. Sometimes people grow apart. sometimes they just don't need you, or you them.
My life has always kinda been this way with friends. Growing up, I never really had any. I wasn't allowed to go places, or have people over. So, having friends is always something that makes me feel kind of out of place. I've grown out of it abit, and have grown close to several people over the years. Unfortunately I lack some of the experiences that you learn from as a kid and teenager with friends, so when a friendship goes sour, or evaporates I tend to get overly emotional, and find ways to pick myself apart for doing something wrong. ( i do this in all forms of relationships with people actually. It's hard for me to understand that I'm not always to blame for everything)
Because of these hang-ups I often find it best to only be close with a few people. While I've learned how to attract friends, I often ignore those tools, and instead opt for making enemies.
Sometimes, I feel like friendship is one big card game. One of those stupid ones you play as a kid,like the memory game; all you gotta do is find the match. Or like Old Maid, or Go Fish. Or maybe that one where every so often you pass all your cards to the person to your left. Only, for me it feels like the person to my right didn't have any cards. So, then I wind up looking like a jackass for not having any cards.

Everybody loves a villain, and I personally love to be an asshole. However, you find that it's ultimately not satisfying on a personal level. At least not after awhile.
It's hard being that guy, when yer probably not really at all.
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but..I'm pretty good at pretending to be something I'm not. I don't like vulnerability, or weakness.
Unfortunately I'm both. And, what's also unfortunate is that I don't realize often enough that being vulnerable and somewhat weak, is also something that makes me a beautiful person.


With all that said, the main reason I'm writing today is because of my dad.
Some of the people reading this may know, and some of them may not know that my father has been in prison since April of 2002. Since it's probably not appropriate to list his convictions in my blog, I'll just say he was a bad man, who did bad things, and went away for it. Also, managing to completely demolish my credit in the process. So, he's been gone for almost seven years. In those seven years, I've not written him nearly as much as I should, considering most of my childhood, it was just him and I, and he's pretty much written me at LEAST 2 letters a week since he went in...
My father gets released on Saturday March 7th. And, for the first time in a very long time I know I'm going to be faced with having to rebuild another broken relationship.
I'm completely mortified of this, for several reasons. I know I have some underlying animosity somewhere, that I'm afraid will come out in an inappropriate way.
I also know he's going to have alot of questions about life. Questions that I feel don't have the answers they should.
It's hard after being the kid who had so much promise, and so many high expectations, to be someone who's fallen short.
I guess when he's behind bars it's easier to avoid. Not that he's in any position to judge me. But, I think everyone has this underlying need to impress their parents.

Most importantly I'm faced with something brand new to me. For the first time, I'll be having an adult relationship with one of my parents. I haven't seen or spoken to my mom since I was seventeen. And, when my dad went to jail. I'd barely had a job, let alone my own apartment.
I take care of myself now. I don't have to answer to anyone. And, while I'll struggle with having to face my father for the first time in a long time, as...an adult. I know that for the first time ever, my father will have to face me as...an adult.
It might seem ridiculous, but for me it's intimidating. It has me worried. Scared even. It's a whole new scenario where acceptance arises.
Whom will or won't accept the other for the person they are now. Are we both gonna be able to handle that...we don't know each other anymore. Things aren't the same. And, they probably never will be.
And worse yet, what if who we once were, and who we are now are so completely different that...it becomes too difficult to even ..handle.
It's one of the biggest reasons I don't make an effort to talk to my mom.
It's scary to try to meet someone that you're supposed to love unconditionally, that you know...but...you don't really know.

Truth is, I don't know either of my parents. Not who they are now.
And, they don't know me either.
I guess, sometimes I wonder if that's so much a bad thing, and not just a good thing.
For all of us.
At any rate, it's going to be a very interesting stage in my life.
Pivotal.

I guess if anything it will test the strength of who I claim to become.
I've stated I don't want to be the same person I've been.
I've claimed I want to change, and be more open to forgiveness and acceptance.
I want to begin my adventure towards total responsibility and become a person I can say I'm proud of, and in whom I have faith and love.
And, just maybe this can be a new beginning sort of thing.

It could also be devastatingly tragic.
But, I guess the only option for me to choose to remain hopeful in the life I'm living is to do just that.
Remain hopeful.

I think to do that honestly, I need to forgive the people that have hurt me. And, I include myself in the category.
Of all the people that I owe my forgiveness, I am the one I'm hardest on.
And, I think that is going to change.