Silence is Golden.

Often times, a persons life can be changed my just a few small words.

I'm sorry. I forgive you.I believe in you. I hate you. I love you. I don't love you anymore.

Any combination of words, voiced at any given moment, and peoples' lives can change.

And, with that same regard, sometimes not saying anything can change lives too.

Often times there are things that people need to hear. A concerned thought, an expression of desire, a declaration of love. A momentum charged by excitement, or hope.

Sometimes we get these words. Sometimes we get these moments of silence. Sometimes we dont.

And, sometimes we get voiced opinions that we don't wish for. Sometimes we get words either meant maliciously, or out of the best of intentions, that shake us, make us feel bad. Sometimes, words can weasel their way into the cracks you've mistakenly left access to....And if the timing of everything is off, they can be detrimental.

I've typically never been a big person that gets hurt by the things people have to say. Unless they're people I really care about immensely. I've tried to model my life in a "i dont care what people think or say" kind of way.
However, I'm human too, and unlike Christina Aguilera, Words can bring me down.

I'd like to explain, that I'm a writer.
I come here, because this is my outlet for the things that seem to strangle me in the real world. Writing in this blog, is an escape for my thoughts. The things I feel, and think. The things I'm sometimes too afraid, or too ashamed to say.
I'm typically not the kind of person that writes when I'm in a good mood. I can usually find something else to do, however...sometimes something does strike me in a happy mood.
You'll find that throughout history writers are typically the most tortured souls in the world. Many of the greatest writers known to this Earth have gone crazy, or killed themselves.
I'm not crazy, nor do I have any desire or even inkling of a thought about killing myself, but...I do get sad. It happens.
And, when I come to MY sanctuary to write about my feelings, or things plagueing my everyday life...I have that right.
You, as the reader have the ability to choose not to read. I certainly didn't search you out and say "HERE. PLEASE. READ THIS".

I got a comment from someone that I know fairly well, suggesting that I look into some sort of medication for my infinite sadness. And, while I guess that's one available option,..I don't think that's exactly a fair assessment.
You see, I pour out my soul in a public forum. My thoughts are available for the world to see. How many people reading this, can say they do the same?

Do you write down every single sad thing you go through? Do you expose it to the world? And, if you did, would you want some self righteous bitch telling you what they think is the best thing for you to do? Especially given that said person didn't message me or speak to me privately to see what's going on that might be causing these emotions.

My point is this, if you don't know what is going on with a person, if you don't know their circumstances, don't pretend to know what they need.
I don't pretend to tell you how to stop drinking so much that you pass out on the bar on a regular basis.
Everyone has their problems. Everyone has their ups and their downs. Just because I let you read what I think about things, including myself during these times, doesn't mean it's an open invitation for you to give me your opinion on whats wrong with me.
And, if you truly thought it was serious enough, or cared enough to be terribly concerned, theres better ways to get your point across rather then leaving a "you're fuckin crazy and need to be on meds" message attached to my blog.
I appreciate your very unprofessional opinion, but keep in mind that I don't come here to write for advice. I don't come here for input, and opinions. I come here because it's the only ceative release I have, and if I don't do so, I'll end up driving myself crazy, and then I really will need to be on medication.
You never know what's ailing someone else.
So work on yourself, and your own faults. Until you are a perfect person, you shouldn't be wasting your time giving assessments of anyone else.

Leaving comments is one thing, but being a dick is another.

Sometimes there's a place for words. And sometimes Silence is Golden.

You Can Run, but You Cant Hide

So, in an effort to escape the city, and the endless circle of self doubt and concern, I decided to go out of town on Friday night.
Now, as much as I'd like to say that I went somewhere far away and fabulous, neither of those are the case.
I traveled 47 miles to Sandusky. A bar I'd never been to, but oft heard of called "Crowbar".

It wasn't actually a bad place. The bar was super cute, and there was a pretty decent crowd. If I was, from Sandusky, or maybe with people that weren't doing drag (meaning...not left standing alone all night in a bar where you know absolutely NOONE) and, in a general piss-poor depressed kinda mood, it's probably a place I could have alot of fun at.

Even though, im typically not a fan of a place that instead of watching the drag shows for entertainment, they tend to..watch them for entertainment. (As in...they dont watch them for fun....they watch them to make fun of them) (which...can be fun...but...it was like allllllll straight people) (which...again...can be fun)

The night just couldnt seem to grasp me. My mind wandered elsewhere, and at one point I found myself sitting at one end of the bar, completely away from aaaanyone else in the bar, stirring my drink repeatedly as if the 1000th stir might magically produce some sort of cosmic force, swooping in...letting me know that everything will be okay.

It's typical a known fact that when things are bothering you, you shouldn't drink. Though, naturally those are the times you most need to drink.
Me being a person who likes to divulge in alcoholic beverages, found myself unable to get drunk.
Not because I drank alot and just couldnt get a buzz, but because I didn't drink alot.
My mind stepped in and said, ...hey...hey you...hold up. You're already a walking teardrop...maaybe you should not spend 87 dollars on jack daniels tonight."

So, I didn't. Still, I sat there. Alone. Throwing myself a pity party.
And, it dawned on me, that naturally I wasn't going to have a good time. I went out with the sole purpose of going somwhere else, outside of my habitats here, just to get away from the world I come to know.

I learned thats probably not the best way to forget about whats ailing you in the world.It only tends to amplify whats wrong in the first place. It's one of those "you can run, but you cant hide" type of things.

I really don't know whats going on with me. Suddenly everything is falling apart. I'm having major family debacles, major homelife debacles, major work debacles, major relationship debacles, major friendship debacles.
And, at the end of everything, I just feel tired.
I'm tired of worry about every single thing in my life. It's all one constant worry.

I've grown to learn that, the things I want in life, are the things im the worst at.
The things that matter, are the things I can't do. And, at the end of it all, I'm left feeling pretty down on myself.

I think constantly. Probably too much. I'm always thinking about something. The possible outcomes, what I can do to fix this, how i can do that.
And, I've finally run out of scenarios to conjure up.
It's not with a tragic tone, that I say that im a screw up. It's with an honest mention.
I can continue trying to convince myself that in some way, someday I'm going to magically encounter all of these great things. That the world will be perfect, and I'll finally feel at ease.

But, i dont believe that. Because with every single, solitary good action that occurs in my life, it is immediately followed by a group of shitty things.
Every time I try to be optimistic, it seems my moods come chattering down.

People always say it's no good to always be sad and pessimistic. But, it actually feels better knowing that you're gonna feel sad, than hoping to be happy and then crashing back down to reality.

I can't play that game.

I feel like such an outsider to the world. and, I hate that.
I hate feeling like noone knows where Im coming from. Noone knows how it feels.
Noone knows who I am.

I'm sure that isn't the case. But, it feels that way.
You ask people to listen to whats going on, and they dont have the time. You ask friends to do something stupid, like just hang out, and they dont have the time.

For a world that revolves around time....it seems noone ever has any but me.
I've got all the time in the world.

I'm trying to be so strong. And, clearly its not where I excel.
I'm trying to hold myself up fromjust being humiliating. I'm trying to be alot of things.

And, I cant be any of them.
I'm not strong. If pretending I'm okay, and not on the verge of losing my mind is strong, im definitely not that.
I'm a complete mess. Fragile as fuck.
And the part that hurts the most, is that if noone read my blog...noone would know.
Because noone takes the time to notice.

i'm realizing that I don't have much of anything or anyone left.
And, it sucks. it really sucks.

It sucks to watch everything you touch in the world turn to shit.
It just fuckin sucks.

Woe is the Writer in Me.

I'll start by saying I owe most of this blog to One Tree Hill....


It's said that writers put pen to paper to find clarity. And to find peace.


Grief is like the ocean. Deep. Dark. Bigger than all of us.
Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistant. Unfair. Diminished by time, fate, and love.

A quote from Les Miserables' says "He who does not weep, does not see".

And, I find that to be very true to life.
I don't believe its possible to experience genuine happiness, without having experienced genuine pain. You can't just decide, OH. I'm happy! Without having been in a place when you weren't. It's logic.

I found myself flipping out today. Over a bunch of things piling up, but it took one smaller thing on the giant scale, to tip everything to the wrong side, and I sat and balled like a baby for over two hours. One might ask, how can a person cry for so long. And, I don't have the answers. It wasn't one of those pretty cries, where you pull yourself together and go about your day. It was one of those ugly cries. Snot flowin, nose so plugged up you can't breathe, shirt soaked, glasses covered in dried teardrops, head pounding cuz you've cried out your supply of tears for the whole month.

I could list all the reasons im upset. There's several, but now isn't the time or place. I've got some important things to work out still.
It all kind of got me wondering, What would life be like, if you....weren't you anymore?(OTH!)If you were just suddenly someone else, with a different set of circumstances. A brand new life of issues and problems to deal with.
What if you were suddenly just....gone. Not dead. Just gone. How quickly would the world around you resume to it's day by day routine? How long would it take for things to be normal?

I went out on Sunday night. I didn't get drunk, and I had a pretty lousy time. I stood by myself most of the night. Barely speaking to anyone. And, it's had me thinking about friendships and things like that. I find myself on the outskirts of things like that. It gets kind of lonely.
I used to think I had alot of friends.
Now, years later...I can't honestly say I have one single friend. I don't have that one person, that no matter what I needed, I could call and they'd be there. I don't have anyone I can trust 100%.
Not one.

When you find yourself in sucha situation, you start playing mental card games in your head. Well, this is my closest friend if I need someone to get drunk with. This is my closest friend if I wanna get pressured into doing things I don't wanna do. This is my closest friend if they need something. This is my closest friend when im at work.
It's...funny...that I can't think of one person when I say "this is my closest friend if i need a friend".

So, i've kinda decided to stop pretending.
The hardest part of saying goodbye, is doing it over and over again. Each and every day.
Every one of those days we as people do indeed face the same truths.
We strive for acceptance. Perfection. Power. Money. and, love. Often those things combined.
We face the knowledge that our time here is limited. Short. And without guarantee.

Some are lucky to find ways to make the journey one that brings them joy. Others will live out there days in misery. Some fool themselves into thinking that one, is possibly the other.
Some will run scared from the things they obtain. Others might throw them away because they don't realize whats in their grasp.
Some will walk the road having never touched the things they desire.
Never having found infinite wisdom, unrivaling respect, fame or fortune. General success. Love. Happiness.
Some may never tap into their potential. Some will overachieve. And ..some will fail decidedly.

I know that life is short. Too short. Too short to fight, and be angry.
Too short to be afraid. And alone.
It's too short, to run away. too short to dispose of.
Too short to be miserable.

Woe is the writer in me. Able to see, but not to be. Able to write down, but not able to hold down.

My impass begins now.

He who does not weep, does not see.

And I suddenly see things clearly. I know what I want, and where I want to end up.
And it's only going to be made possible, with alot of effort. Determination.
Faith.
Hope.
and love.

"For passion, like crime..does not sit well with the sure order and even course o everyday life; it welcomes every loosening of the social fabric, every confusion and affliction visited upon the world, for passion sees in such disorder a vague hope of finding advantage for itself"
-Thomas Mann- "Death in Venice"

A quick observation.

So, while sitting online and refreshing my myspace page and blog in hopes that someone left me a comment (im lame,cant sleep, and lead a very boring life these days) randomly...out of nowhere, (and scaring the piddle right out of me) my dresser tips over.
It's an old dresser, and hardly one i'd call sturdy and trustworthy, but...its never shown any signs of just.....tipping over.
In the process, the television that was on top, fell onto one of the drawers in such a weird way, that it broke the drawer in half. Rendering it, completely unfixable. Breaking several things I had on it, including a bottle of cologne. And, now the things from that drawer are scattered everywhere across my floor.
It left me with this this thought.

My bedroom floor is a picture perfect example of my mental state of mind.
A scattered mess.
I can't catch a break. Even my furniture is givin out.
Shit. Whats next??!!

Tip me over and pour....me...out.

I changed the look of my blog, because I wanted to incorporate change.
Tonights' been a bad night, and I find myself feeling very helpless in several situations. Maybe I'm not changing as much as I thought. Who knows.
This is what came out of me, its crap. but its my crap.


I feel like a bubble, about to burst.
A half dead camel, dying of thirst,
I walk around like im the first to feel the worst.
I feel hallow inside, like my best friend just died.
Take all the tears ive cried, put em in a double wide
And look, theres my past, drowning inside.
So many things I want to say, A million and three mistakes to take away.
Fifty seven emotional debts to repay. One persons' opinion to sway.
All I do is fight for hope.
A crowd of insecurites all chanting nope. I've created a dance craze called the just me mope.
Everyday I hang myself with the same metaphoric rope.
Everything seems like an obstacle. Suddenly my life is a giant icicle.
Tomorrow I put the training wheels back on my bicycle.
Two seperate beings, complete different flee-ings.
And there I was waving bye to love from afar.
I've got no car, and my job is at leather daddy bar.
My confidence is at a negative fourteen. My roomate is a drag queen.
I've seen more things than most have seen, I've been upside down, inside out and everything inbetween.
I haven't slept more than 3 hours a day for the past week. I miss having someone to sit with me as I watch reruns of Dawsons Creek. I miss my freak.
My dads in jail dying, and i sit here trying, to be strong for the boy adore.
It's been seven long days, of a really bad phase, And we're both at opposite ends of the maze.
I can't make a sound, theres no solid ground, and my heart is in a box at the lost and found.
I can't help either of them. not him and not him.
And because im a mess with flaw after flaw, i find ways to blame myself for it all.

Boy ya turn me...Inside out.

It's taking a medical issue facing someone I love dearly, to put a lot of things into perspective.
When you deal with death and/or the possibility of it, with someone you hardly know its one thing, but when it's someone you've known your entire life...you not only find yourself questioning things in your own life, but everything quickly becomes shuffled together.

All day, my mind has been out of whack. I've been repeatedly diving myself into a world of worst possible outcomes, and what ifs and what thens.

A few months ago, I got all high on life. I was a different person. Then, in an instant my relationship crumbled, I had to find a place to live, and since then it seems it's been stressful day after stressful day.
Worrying about more things than I can control.
I lost that excited person.
And, I became so easily wrapped back up into the worrysome, downtrodden person I was prior.

And, before I completely lose myself all over again to that, I'm stepping in.

I'm tired of the juggernaut. What mood will strike today? I'm tired of being so concerned with how things will be, that I fail to see the beautiful things infront of me at this exact moment.

I'm extremely worried, but at the same time, I'm going to give my best effort to let the world and whatever forces are behind it's creation control the things it controls, and let myself control the things that I can control.

I'm suddenly learning the things that are going to make me happy in life, do not co-inside with some of my habits and routines.
And, choosing one of the other means I'm going to be saying goodbye to some things that there aren't room for in my life anymore.

I want to start building a life, not just walking through this one in some zombie-type unconsciousness.

If anyone knows me, they know that I've been seeing this amazing person. I'm completely smitten with him. Not just because he's so kind, and so sweet. But because theres this strange thing, where I feel like I see right inside of him. I can tell him things. And, even when I can't, he's the one I want to tell.
He's been going through a really rough time, walls closing all around him. And, it hurts to see someone go through so much.
It's hard to sometimes look at someone, and try to convince them how wonderful they are, when their life seems to be going haywire.
So, instead of telling him, I'm here.
This is where I write the things I think. The things I believe in. The things I hold closest to me. My passions. This is where I share my truths, my loves, my ideas.

And so with that, I write that this guy is one of the most genuine, heartfelt, emotional (in a good way) honest, amazing people I've known. With one look, I can almost tell exactly what he's thinking.
He's been spending alot of time pulling himself together, trying to forge a new life out of the pieces he has left.
And, it just inspires me to see someone strong enough to face the hardships of life head-on.
It makes me very proud to know him. It makes me wish I was more like him.
And it makes me smile.
I feel bad that I can't help him through this time. But, I just want him to know that he's completely changed my life.
I consider myself one of the luckiest people, to have met him. And, I can't wait until the moment I see him again.

(sorry for the cheeseball rant...but, it's rare that you read something I've written, thats a rant about something GOOD....so...lick me where I pee)

We go deep, and we dont get no sleep....

Today marks one of those days that, everything that's anything in your life seems to take a backseat.
And, in the passenger seat is everything you used to know. Everything you used to have, and anything you can relate to those feelings.

I've ricocheted back and forth, through a multitude of different emotions. Ultimately adopting different ones, not so much based upon how I actually feel, but how society would rather me feel. Noone gets anywhere by claiming to be sad or upset. Lost, or alone. These emotions tend to garner the sideways glances. The awkward pauses.

Instead I've become a person that doesn't talk about his feelings. I shell up. I build a square, hop inside, and place something over it, disguising me from everyone else. Encasing me in a place where I don't owe any explanations or examinations from anyone else. No judgements on my personal psyche.

I guess it's easier that way.
I don't know that I've had too many people beating down my door for explanations as to why i am the way i am. I'm not so sure theres been a long list, or a list at all,of people curious about me and my idiocricies.
And, when there are people there that genuinely care, it becomes some sort of fairy tale type ordeal.
Sometimes it doesn't seem feasable that there could be people out there that truly care about me, without the secret underlying issues of their own agendas.
I spend alot of time tearing myself down. Not because I actually think that poorly of myself, but more so because if I do it myself, then noone else gets the opportunity. And, if theres' one thing I despise, its someone else getting a dig in at my expense.

I find myself in very unfamiliar ground. And, im not good with how to handle things on familiar ground, let alone when im not used to my perdicament.
My daily routine consists of battles against myself, battles against other peoples perceptions of me, and my situations. I find myself at war with how to make everything perfect.
And, instead of continuing that cycle, I'm taking another route.

My imperfections make me who I am. they make me both the ugliest person I know, and the most incredibly beautiful person I think one can be. I can be both horrendous, and amazing, often in the same day. Perhaps the same hour block.

I'm always going to be someone that longs for the days past. I'll forever wish I was twelve years old again, and I never got the call.
I'll always wish I had been more responsible in my youth. I'll always wish thing shadn't gone the way the did. And, a part of me will always hold some little bit of resentment towards things I cannot control.

I'll always look over my shoulder. No matter how good things are, I'll always secretly expect them to go badly...because it always seems to happen.

I'll always be some sort of hopeless romantic. Expecting that the feelings of love and devotion can conquer all the horrible things in the world.
I'll always openly voice my doubt in myself, but secretly I always think that somehow I can make it okay.

I'll always believe that I alone, with myself...my personality, my traits and all...possess the ability to make someone happy. Even if aloud I express nothing but a lack of confidence.

I'll always wonder if everything Im doing is wrong. It's the winding road in which i walk upon. Inside of self doubt, is self awareness. And within all of that, I believe you find the ability to know what you're capable of.

And, I believe that im capable of things I'll never trust myself to achieve. I think my limits are widestretched, but my perspective is lacking.

I'll probably always pretend that I'm okay. Even when im probably not. I'll probably always hie my eyes when I cry. I'll probably always say I'm fine, even when I feel like the walls are closing in.

I'll always speak my mind. I'll always stand up for the ideas and the people that i believe in. Often even though they're wrong, my loyalties are carved in stone.

I'll never hold back on my emotions. I'll never be scared to say how I feel about people.
Some people get scared of saying certain things..I however am more afraid of not saying the things that arise in day.
I'll always try to fix things.
I've learned that, often even when they're beyond repair, I remain hopeful until hope has been pried from my fingers. Even then, I'll clench onto it with my toes. Even the sleepy one.

I'll probably always latch onto my imperfections. Dissecting them, finding other reasons why I'm too this, or too that.
I'll always be too porud of myself, and will tend to get overly defensive when I feel i feel that being threatened. Even tho I'm often completely off base,..it's how my psyche works.


I guess what I'm trying to say, is... my life has been measured by things like this for as long as i know.
And, I dont think that I want this to be what defines me as a person for the next quarter century. I am not a sum of the ways I've been, and what ive achieved.
I'm defined by so much more.

I learned a very important lesson tonight.

And I owe it to a collection of things. To, work and circumstance. To love, and ideas. To hope, and hopelessness.
To my grandmother, my mom, my past and my goals.
Everything has me thinking about things I've lost track of.
And, I'm really glad to have had this moment.
It's all making me become more than I was 14 minutes ago.

and, that is a really good thing.

Tonight was the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Typically I devote a blog to remembering her. This year, instead of remembering the things about her I've begun to let slip away from memorys' grasp...I remind myself that there are no limitations. No restrictions. And, no expectations.
I can be anything. And, it certainly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. As long as I learn to think the best of myself.
It's certainly not an overnight process. But..with trial comes tribulation.

I offer this advice.
Do not scour the world in fear of love and the things it has to offer. It is both the beauty and beast in life.

It's learning which side of it best suits you, that becomes the most difficult task imaginable.

I choose to affectionate the greatest thing in the world. Others choose to let it evaporate.
I strongly suggest everyone be aware of the things you have. It's unimaginable how quickly you can lose them.

much love, bitches.much love.

Death and ..Stuff

I don't particularly want to be "that guy" who writes "that blog".
Not that theres anything wrong with being "that guy"..It's just not something I'm accustomed to.
I guess my musings don't really make sense unless I go on ahead with what I want to say.

Death is a funny thing.

I mean, it's not a funny thing. It's a scary thing. But, somewhere beneath all that uncertainty, and confusion as to whether to be afraid, or expectant, okay, or deniable about the whole ordeal...it's a funny thing. Funny, as in weird.

I personally, have always been petrified of death. As a little kid, I remember being scared of death on a nightly basis. I remember being little, probably 7 or 8, and praying "dear god...just please let me live to be 18".
I remember getting to 15, and realizing how close 18 was, and pray again "dear god...please ..let me make it to like...40". Now that I'm 26, and I have a medical condition such as the one I have. (dia-beat-us, as floyd would say)
I realize that I was being a bit short with my requests to extend my life.
There are things I certainly have left to accomplish, but while theres that, theres something that makes me smile when I think of growing old with someone, sharing a home, a family, concerns, and all sorts of other things like that.
There's something strangely appealing about being 60, all wrinkle-y and cudding up with my lover of 30 years, or whatever the case may be. There's something about grandchildren, and things like that, that...kinda make you want to experience that part of life as well.

It's not really until someone dies that you begin to question your own immortality. The mistakes you've made, the forgiveness you've failed to recieve. The loves you've set adrift.
The things you've yet to do, the loves you've yet to meet. Or, have already met.
Everything.

I've always been one of those people that sits back, and looks at his life as a "this is what i havent done" or a "this is what ive messed up doing" "this is what i dont have" "this is what happened to me".

Most of my life, I've spent my time despising what I have, or who I am, or things like that, and completely take for granted the things that I do have. The places I have been. The experiences I've gone through. The obstacles I've overcome.
Sometimes I lose sight of the good things that do exist.

I'm not good at being thankful for what I have.

Lately, I find myself in a good place. (Other than work-related issues)
I'm, closer to happy than..I think I've ever been.
That's not to say I'm ecstatic...But, if anything, I've learned an incredible amount about myself. The limits I can stretch, and things of that regard.

I've learned how I low I can sink, and ..how capable I am of recovering from that low.
And, listless amounts of other things.

I guess, I'm just realizing that, things aren't exactly how I've been looking at them.

Instead of worrying about having this, or going there...or whatever silly concerns one might measure their life by...I should be asking myself different questions.

I'm going through a thought provoking phase in my life. Call it my coming of age, or whatever.

But, I'm really reaching a place in my life where I'm learning to accept myself for who I am.
I'm struggling, but I'm learning to love myself through the struggle.
And, that alone is a grande' achievement.

Most of all,..
I've learned that you have to let go.

A man died today. He wasn't my friend. He wasn't someone that, mattered much to my life personally. I didn't know his name, I didn't speak to him, other than a friendly wave, and a passing "hi".
But, in his passing, I had time to think about my life.
In those moments of thought, I had the realization that so many things are important, that I fail to acknowledge.

And that's the best recognition I can give the person who passed.
His life may not have been something that made an impact on me. But, in his death I gained a little bit of insight that I'd been missing.
Maybe that seems foolish, or stupid to say.
But, it's truly a compliment. And a giant thank you.

Sappy Schmappy.

I'm a firm believer in that age old phrase "Everything happens for a reason".

Maybe its karma, divine intervention, or whatever the hell is is exactly..I'm not sure the origin.
But, I do believe that there is a purpose for each and everything that is thrown at you.

Whether it be a punishment of sorts for something you've done wrong, or whether it be an obstacle, perfectly placed in one's life so that they can overcome it (or..often ...not overcome it) and be prepared for things later in life. (or...often....not be prepared)

I think that some people have an easier time overcoming things. Some people are dwellers, or aren't as emotionally sound as others. Some people just lack the direction, or the drive to get through things.
Some people need a hand to hold, and some people need their space to accomplish things on their own.

But ultimately, I think everything that occurs to a person is destined to happen so that they fit in their place in life. Some people miss the opportunity to change after this things because they aren't able to decipher the right way to go...and I personally think that explains why some people think that bad things always happen to them, or they can't see to catch a break.
I believe it's probably because they caught a break, but they let it pass, and now they gotta wait for the break to come back around.
Or something like that.

I take a look at the experiences I personally have gone through. And, I acknowledge that most of the time, I've let them pass by without really changing the things that led up to whichever mistakes I made in life at that point.
But, there have also been instances where my entire mindset has changed. There have been things that have led me to be a stronger person, and there have been things that have set me back a few steps.

Again I believe in karma.
You do things, and those things come back to you. Maybe not in the exact form, but in some way. If you do things you promise you aren't ever going to do again, you might....say...get spit on at work, and have all of your tips stolen in the same night. (happened to me about a month ago, i just never had the time to write about it). Then, say you do something else that might not seem as bad, but still makes you feel guilty, you might say...lose your wallet with money in it, only to have it returned a week later, with the money gone. Or, perhaps....lose two of your shifts at work, and suddenly find yourself feeling like.."oh shit!"

There are ways in which all of us get dealt back what we've dished out.
Sometimes it's good, and often times it's the complete opposite.

I also believe in learning. You go through things that some people don't understand, and even though they might not be healthy for you to go through, after you've gone through them...You realize how much you needed them to catapult you to somewhere else.

I certainly don't want to jinx, or even really discuss the things that are going on in my life in this forum. too many people read it, that only have negative things to say about me and/or my life.
However, I will state that I am seeing someone. Someone that amazes me with his kindness.
For the first time in my life, someone treats me like I am the most important person in the world. And, even though I tell him to shutup everytime he says something sweet, or I tell him he's a freak when he does something that secretly makes my heart skip a beat.. It's a truly humbling thing to experience. I've never felt like...number one. I guess I've probably never been a number one.
But I suddenly find myself in the situation.
And, its amazing how much you change. How some of your issues just disappear when you know you have someone that honestly adores you. And only you.

I for the very first time, am learning what trust actually is.
And, I have to credit that to the things I've gone through before.
If not for each and every predicament, relationship, friendship or conversation...I wouldn't be in the exact place I'm in right now.
Which, I'm excited to say.. is a pretty good one.

Now if I can just shake this cold...and find a job that doesn't constantly dick me around like yesterdays ball sack, ..my life would be in a really incredible place.

Peace and Chicken grease.