Woe is the Writer in Me.

I'll start by saying I owe most of this blog to One Tree Hill....


It's said that writers put pen to paper to find clarity. And to find peace.


Grief is like the ocean. Deep. Dark. Bigger than all of us.
Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistant. Unfair. Diminished by time, fate, and love.

A quote from Les Miserables' says "He who does not weep, does not see".

And, I find that to be very true to life.
I don't believe its possible to experience genuine happiness, without having experienced genuine pain. You can't just decide, OH. I'm happy! Without having been in a place when you weren't. It's logic.

I found myself flipping out today. Over a bunch of things piling up, but it took one smaller thing on the giant scale, to tip everything to the wrong side, and I sat and balled like a baby for over two hours. One might ask, how can a person cry for so long. And, I don't have the answers. It wasn't one of those pretty cries, where you pull yourself together and go about your day. It was one of those ugly cries. Snot flowin, nose so plugged up you can't breathe, shirt soaked, glasses covered in dried teardrops, head pounding cuz you've cried out your supply of tears for the whole month.

I could list all the reasons im upset. There's several, but now isn't the time or place. I've got some important things to work out still.
It all kind of got me wondering, What would life be like, if you....weren't you anymore?(OTH!)If you were just suddenly someone else, with a different set of circumstances. A brand new life of issues and problems to deal with.
What if you were suddenly just....gone. Not dead. Just gone. How quickly would the world around you resume to it's day by day routine? How long would it take for things to be normal?

I went out on Sunday night. I didn't get drunk, and I had a pretty lousy time. I stood by myself most of the night. Barely speaking to anyone. And, it's had me thinking about friendships and things like that. I find myself on the outskirts of things like that. It gets kind of lonely.
I used to think I had alot of friends.
Now, years later...I can't honestly say I have one single friend. I don't have that one person, that no matter what I needed, I could call and they'd be there. I don't have anyone I can trust 100%.
Not one.

When you find yourself in sucha situation, you start playing mental card games in your head. Well, this is my closest friend if I need someone to get drunk with. This is my closest friend if I wanna get pressured into doing things I don't wanna do. This is my closest friend if they need something. This is my closest friend when im at work.
It's...funny...that I can't think of one person when I say "this is my closest friend if i need a friend".

So, i've kinda decided to stop pretending.
The hardest part of saying goodbye, is doing it over and over again. Each and every day.
Every one of those days we as people do indeed face the same truths.
We strive for acceptance. Perfection. Power. Money. and, love. Often those things combined.
We face the knowledge that our time here is limited. Short. And without guarantee.

Some are lucky to find ways to make the journey one that brings them joy. Others will live out there days in misery. Some fool themselves into thinking that one, is possibly the other.
Some will run scared from the things they obtain. Others might throw them away because they don't realize whats in their grasp.
Some will walk the road having never touched the things they desire.
Never having found infinite wisdom, unrivaling respect, fame or fortune. General success. Love. Happiness.
Some may never tap into their potential. Some will overachieve. And ..some will fail decidedly.

I know that life is short. Too short. Too short to fight, and be angry.
Too short to be afraid. And alone.
It's too short, to run away. too short to dispose of.
Too short to be miserable.

Woe is the writer in me. Able to see, but not to be. Able to write down, but not able to hold down.

My impass begins now.

He who does not weep, does not see.

And I suddenly see things clearly. I know what I want, and where I want to end up.
And it's only going to be made possible, with alot of effort. Determination.
Faith.
Hope.
and love.

"For passion, like crime..does not sit well with the sure order and even course o everyday life; it welcomes every loosening of the social fabric, every confusion and affliction visited upon the world, for passion sees in such disorder a vague hope of finding advantage for itself"
-Thomas Mann- "Death in Venice"