Boy ya turn me...Inside out.

It's taking a medical issue facing someone I love dearly, to put a lot of things into perspective.
When you deal with death and/or the possibility of it, with someone you hardly know its one thing, but when it's someone you've known your entire life...you not only find yourself questioning things in your own life, but everything quickly becomes shuffled together.

All day, my mind has been out of whack. I've been repeatedly diving myself into a world of worst possible outcomes, and what ifs and what thens.

A few months ago, I got all high on life. I was a different person. Then, in an instant my relationship crumbled, I had to find a place to live, and since then it seems it's been stressful day after stressful day.
Worrying about more things than I can control.
I lost that excited person.
And, I became so easily wrapped back up into the worrysome, downtrodden person I was prior.

And, before I completely lose myself all over again to that, I'm stepping in.

I'm tired of the juggernaut. What mood will strike today? I'm tired of being so concerned with how things will be, that I fail to see the beautiful things infront of me at this exact moment.

I'm extremely worried, but at the same time, I'm going to give my best effort to let the world and whatever forces are behind it's creation control the things it controls, and let myself control the things that I can control.

I'm suddenly learning the things that are going to make me happy in life, do not co-inside with some of my habits and routines.
And, choosing one of the other means I'm going to be saying goodbye to some things that there aren't room for in my life anymore.

I want to start building a life, not just walking through this one in some zombie-type unconsciousness.

If anyone knows me, they know that I've been seeing this amazing person. I'm completely smitten with him. Not just because he's so kind, and so sweet. But because theres this strange thing, where I feel like I see right inside of him. I can tell him things. And, even when I can't, he's the one I want to tell.
He's been going through a really rough time, walls closing all around him. And, it hurts to see someone go through so much.
It's hard to sometimes look at someone, and try to convince them how wonderful they are, when their life seems to be going haywire.
So, instead of telling him, I'm here.
This is where I write the things I think. The things I believe in. The things I hold closest to me. My passions. This is where I share my truths, my loves, my ideas.

And so with that, I write that this guy is one of the most genuine, heartfelt, emotional (in a good way) honest, amazing people I've known. With one look, I can almost tell exactly what he's thinking.
He's been spending alot of time pulling himself together, trying to forge a new life out of the pieces he has left.
And, it just inspires me to see someone strong enough to face the hardships of life head-on.
It makes me very proud to know him. It makes me wish I was more like him.
And it makes me smile.
I feel bad that I can't help him through this time. But, I just want him to know that he's completely changed my life.
I consider myself one of the luckiest people, to have met him. And, I can't wait until the moment I see him again.

(sorry for the cheeseball rant...but, it's rare that you read something I've written, thats a rant about something GOOD....so...lick me where I pee)