You Can Run, but You Cant Hide

So, in an effort to escape the city, and the endless circle of self doubt and concern, I decided to go out of town on Friday night.
Now, as much as I'd like to say that I went somewhere far away and fabulous, neither of those are the case.
I traveled 47 miles to Sandusky. A bar I'd never been to, but oft heard of called "Crowbar".

It wasn't actually a bad place. The bar was super cute, and there was a pretty decent crowd. If I was, from Sandusky, or maybe with people that weren't doing drag (meaning...not left standing alone all night in a bar where you know absolutely NOONE) and, in a general piss-poor depressed kinda mood, it's probably a place I could have alot of fun at.

Even though, im typically not a fan of a place that instead of watching the drag shows for entertainment, they tend to..watch them for entertainment. (As in...they dont watch them for fun....they watch them to make fun of them) (which...can be fun...but...it was like allllllll straight people) (which...again...can be fun)

The night just couldnt seem to grasp me. My mind wandered elsewhere, and at one point I found myself sitting at one end of the bar, completely away from aaaanyone else in the bar, stirring my drink repeatedly as if the 1000th stir might magically produce some sort of cosmic force, swooping in...letting me know that everything will be okay.

It's typical a known fact that when things are bothering you, you shouldn't drink. Though, naturally those are the times you most need to drink.
Me being a person who likes to divulge in alcoholic beverages, found myself unable to get drunk.
Not because I drank alot and just couldnt get a buzz, but because I didn't drink alot.
My mind stepped in and said, ...hey...hey you...hold up. You're already a walking teardrop...maaybe you should not spend 87 dollars on jack daniels tonight."

So, I didn't. Still, I sat there. Alone. Throwing myself a pity party.
And, it dawned on me, that naturally I wasn't going to have a good time. I went out with the sole purpose of going somwhere else, outside of my habitats here, just to get away from the world I come to know.

I learned thats probably not the best way to forget about whats ailing you in the world.It only tends to amplify whats wrong in the first place. It's one of those "you can run, but you cant hide" type of things.

I really don't know whats going on with me. Suddenly everything is falling apart. I'm having major family debacles, major homelife debacles, major work debacles, major relationship debacles, major friendship debacles.
And, at the end of everything, I just feel tired.
I'm tired of worry about every single thing in my life. It's all one constant worry.

I've grown to learn that, the things I want in life, are the things im the worst at.
The things that matter, are the things I can't do. And, at the end of it all, I'm left feeling pretty down on myself.

I think constantly. Probably too much. I'm always thinking about something. The possible outcomes, what I can do to fix this, how i can do that.
And, I've finally run out of scenarios to conjure up.
It's not with a tragic tone, that I say that im a screw up. It's with an honest mention.
I can continue trying to convince myself that in some way, someday I'm going to magically encounter all of these great things. That the world will be perfect, and I'll finally feel at ease.

But, i dont believe that. Because with every single, solitary good action that occurs in my life, it is immediately followed by a group of shitty things.
Every time I try to be optimistic, it seems my moods come chattering down.

People always say it's no good to always be sad and pessimistic. But, it actually feels better knowing that you're gonna feel sad, than hoping to be happy and then crashing back down to reality.

I can't play that game.

I feel like such an outsider to the world. and, I hate that.
I hate feeling like noone knows where Im coming from. Noone knows how it feels.
Noone knows who I am.

I'm sure that isn't the case. But, it feels that way.
You ask people to listen to whats going on, and they dont have the time. You ask friends to do something stupid, like just hang out, and they dont have the time.

For a world that revolves around time....it seems noone ever has any but me.
I've got all the time in the world.

I'm trying to be so strong. And, clearly its not where I excel.
I'm trying to hold myself up fromjust being humiliating. I'm trying to be alot of things.

And, I cant be any of them.
I'm not strong. If pretending I'm okay, and not on the verge of losing my mind is strong, im definitely not that.
I'm a complete mess. Fragile as fuck.
And the part that hurts the most, is that if noone read my blog...noone would know.
Because noone takes the time to notice.

i'm realizing that I don't have much of anything or anyone left.
And, it sucks. it really sucks.

It sucks to watch everything you touch in the world turn to shit.
It just fuckin sucks.