We go deep, and we dont get no sleep....

Today marks one of those days that, everything that's anything in your life seems to take a backseat.
And, in the passenger seat is everything you used to know. Everything you used to have, and anything you can relate to those feelings.

I've ricocheted back and forth, through a multitude of different emotions. Ultimately adopting different ones, not so much based upon how I actually feel, but how society would rather me feel. Noone gets anywhere by claiming to be sad or upset. Lost, or alone. These emotions tend to garner the sideways glances. The awkward pauses.

Instead I've become a person that doesn't talk about his feelings. I shell up. I build a square, hop inside, and place something over it, disguising me from everyone else. Encasing me in a place where I don't owe any explanations or examinations from anyone else. No judgements on my personal psyche.

I guess it's easier that way.
I don't know that I've had too many people beating down my door for explanations as to why i am the way i am. I'm not so sure theres been a long list, or a list at all,of people curious about me and my idiocricies.
And, when there are people there that genuinely care, it becomes some sort of fairy tale type ordeal.
Sometimes it doesn't seem feasable that there could be people out there that truly care about me, without the secret underlying issues of their own agendas.
I spend alot of time tearing myself down. Not because I actually think that poorly of myself, but more so because if I do it myself, then noone else gets the opportunity. And, if theres' one thing I despise, its someone else getting a dig in at my expense.

I find myself in very unfamiliar ground. And, im not good with how to handle things on familiar ground, let alone when im not used to my perdicament.
My daily routine consists of battles against myself, battles against other peoples perceptions of me, and my situations. I find myself at war with how to make everything perfect.
And, instead of continuing that cycle, I'm taking another route.

My imperfections make me who I am. they make me both the ugliest person I know, and the most incredibly beautiful person I think one can be. I can be both horrendous, and amazing, often in the same day. Perhaps the same hour block.

I'm always going to be someone that longs for the days past. I'll forever wish I was twelve years old again, and I never got the call.
I'll always wish I had been more responsible in my youth. I'll always wish thing shadn't gone the way the did. And, a part of me will always hold some little bit of resentment towards things I cannot control.

I'll always look over my shoulder. No matter how good things are, I'll always secretly expect them to go badly...because it always seems to happen.

I'll always be some sort of hopeless romantic. Expecting that the feelings of love and devotion can conquer all the horrible things in the world.
I'll always openly voice my doubt in myself, but secretly I always think that somehow I can make it okay.

I'll always believe that I alone, with myself...my personality, my traits and all...possess the ability to make someone happy. Even if aloud I express nothing but a lack of confidence.

I'll always wonder if everything Im doing is wrong. It's the winding road in which i walk upon. Inside of self doubt, is self awareness. And within all of that, I believe you find the ability to know what you're capable of.

And, I believe that im capable of things I'll never trust myself to achieve. I think my limits are widestretched, but my perspective is lacking.

I'll probably always pretend that I'm okay. Even when im probably not. I'll probably always hie my eyes when I cry. I'll probably always say I'm fine, even when I feel like the walls are closing in.

I'll always speak my mind. I'll always stand up for the ideas and the people that i believe in. Often even though they're wrong, my loyalties are carved in stone.

I'll never hold back on my emotions. I'll never be scared to say how I feel about people.
Some people get scared of saying certain things..I however am more afraid of not saying the things that arise in day.
I'll always try to fix things.
I've learned that, often even when they're beyond repair, I remain hopeful until hope has been pried from my fingers. Even then, I'll clench onto it with my toes. Even the sleepy one.

I'll probably always latch onto my imperfections. Dissecting them, finding other reasons why I'm too this, or too that.
I'll always be too porud of myself, and will tend to get overly defensive when I feel i feel that being threatened. Even tho I'm often completely off base,..it's how my psyche works.


I guess what I'm trying to say, is... my life has been measured by things like this for as long as i know.
And, I dont think that I want this to be what defines me as a person for the next quarter century. I am not a sum of the ways I've been, and what ive achieved.
I'm defined by so much more.

I learned a very important lesson tonight.

And I owe it to a collection of things. To, work and circumstance. To love, and ideas. To hope, and hopelessness.
To my grandmother, my mom, my past and my goals.
Everything has me thinking about things I've lost track of.
And, I'm really glad to have had this moment.
It's all making me become more than I was 14 minutes ago.

and, that is a really good thing.

Tonight was the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Typically I devote a blog to remembering her. This year, instead of remembering the things about her I've begun to let slip away from memorys' grasp...I remind myself that there are no limitations. No restrictions. And, no expectations.
I can be anything. And, it certainly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. As long as I learn to think the best of myself.
It's certainly not an overnight process. But..with trial comes tribulation.

I offer this advice.
Do not scour the world in fear of love and the things it has to offer. It is both the beauty and beast in life.

It's learning which side of it best suits you, that becomes the most difficult task imaginable.

I choose to affectionate the greatest thing in the world. Others choose to let it evaporate.
I strongly suggest everyone be aware of the things you have. It's unimaginable how quickly you can lose them.

much love, bitches.much love.