Death and ..Stuff

I don't particularly want to be "that guy" who writes "that blog".
Not that theres anything wrong with being "that guy"..It's just not something I'm accustomed to.
I guess my musings don't really make sense unless I go on ahead with what I want to say.

Death is a funny thing.

I mean, it's not a funny thing. It's a scary thing. But, somewhere beneath all that uncertainty, and confusion as to whether to be afraid, or expectant, okay, or deniable about the whole ordeal...it's a funny thing. Funny, as in weird.

I personally, have always been petrified of death. As a little kid, I remember being scared of death on a nightly basis. I remember being little, probably 7 or 8, and praying "dear god...just please let me live to be 18".
I remember getting to 15, and realizing how close 18 was, and pray again "dear god...please ..let me make it to like...40". Now that I'm 26, and I have a medical condition such as the one I have. (dia-beat-us, as floyd would say)
I realize that I was being a bit short with my requests to extend my life.
There are things I certainly have left to accomplish, but while theres that, theres something that makes me smile when I think of growing old with someone, sharing a home, a family, concerns, and all sorts of other things like that.
There's something strangely appealing about being 60, all wrinkle-y and cudding up with my lover of 30 years, or whatever the case may be. There's something about grandchildren, and things like that, that...kinda make you want to experience that part of life as well.

It's not really until someone dies that you begin to question your own immortality. The mistakes you've made, the forgiveness you've failed to recieve. The loves you've set adrift.
The things you've yet to do, the loves you've yet to meet. Or, have already met.
Everything.

I've always been one of those people that sits back, and looks at his life as a "this is what i havent done" or a "this is what ive messed up doing" "this is what i dont have" "this is what happened to me".

Most of my life, I've spent my time despising what I have, or who I am, or things like that, and completely take for granted the things that I do have. The places I have been. The experiences I've gone through. The obstacles I've overcome.
Sometimes I lose sight of the good things that do exist.

I'm not good at being thankful for what I have.

Lately, I find myself in a good place. (Other than work-related issues)
I'm, closer to happy than..I think I've ever been.
That's not to say I'm ecstatic...But, if anything, I've learned an incredible amount about myself. The limits I can stretch, and things of that regard.

I've learned how I low I can sink, and ..how capable I am of recovering from that low.
And, listless amounts of other things.

I guess, I'm just realizing that, things aren't exactly how I've been looking at them.

Instead of worrying about having this, or going there...or whatever silly concerns one might measure their life by...I should be asking myself different questions.

I'm going through a thought provoking phase in my life. Call it my coming of age, or whatever.

But, I'm really reaching a place in my life where I'm learning to accept myself for who I am.
I'm struggling, but I'm learning to love myself through the struggle.
And, that alone is a grande' achievement.

Most of all,..
I've learned that you have to let go.

A man died today. He wasn't my friend. He wasn't someone that, mattered much to my life personally. I didn't know his name, I didn't speak to him, other than a friendly wave, and a passing "hi".
But, in his passing, I had time to think about my life.
In those moments of thought, I had the realization that so many things are important, that I fail to acknowledge.

And that's the best recognition I can give the person who passed.
His life may not have been something that made an impact on me. But, in his death I gained a little bit of insight that I'd been missing.
Maybe that seems foolish, or stupid to say.
But, it's truly a compliment. And a giant thank you.