Grievances

After refusing to repost a bulletin I read earlier, I'm spending the next few minutes planning ways to improve my luck, which is apparently going to be shitty for the next 15 years. It makes you wonder what life was like before all these ridiculous forwards were introduced to ruin the luck of the human race for the next decade plus.
It's absurd! I know I stepped on a few cracks, and my mothers back never broke. I've broken mirrors, opened umbrellas indoors, but....not even these things put a bad joo-joo on you for FIFTEEN years.

Hell, gum only stays in your system for 7. (lol)

It's like when you get one of those wank-ass text messages telling you how great of a person you are, and how thankful so-and-so is to have you in their life. But, you secretly know that they just forwarded it to like 3534151 people, twelve of which were all in the room with you when you got it (and so did they cuz you all collectively said "ugh..i hate forwards) leading you to think "god...how special can I be, I just heard *insert name* get the same text, and I know he hates that bitch".
People. Listen. Your luck isn't gonna change if you don't pass that shit on. It might even improve. I mean, at least I won't hate you more. Your family members aren't gonna die cuz you didn't post it. And, contrary to what it says...you probably will have sex again at some point. Unless you look like Jon Lovitz. (or...infact ARE Jon Lovitz. I don't care what kinda residuals "A League of their Own" gives him...there can't be many people fucking him willingly)

I don't need any text message with an embedded picture of a heart and some roses with it, to confirm my friendships.
If you find yourself sitting there thinking "hmm...I wonder if Nicklous knows how much I love him"...A simple "Hey Nick...Just wanted to text you and let you know that I fucking love you" will suffice. I'll prolly text back with "awe...I fucking love you too". Unless I don't, which...I might be wondering why you're texting me that you love me, if I don't love you back in the first place. But, even still I'd prolly text you back with an "awe..me too! so whats up" (avoiding saying I love you, if you don't infact love someone, is perfectly acceptable. Trust me, I do it all the time at work) lol

Another grievance I have is people that act like assholes, then act like they know they were an asshole. I like my assholes to be dirty, shady assholes. I want you to pretend you never did anything.
So, Craig. It's safe to order from me at the bar. You don't have to lurk around B and pretend you aren't thirsty. We both know you're a raging alcoholic. Let's not pretend you came there, seen me and suddenly want to pass it off as not bein in the mood to drink. I make drinks for alot of people I don't like. Just as I'm sure everyone you make a pizza for isn't on your Christmas card list. So, Fear not. As much as I'd like to spit in your drink (or...you know..worse) I'm not like that. (I actually wouldn't come to you for a drink either...but...you know..this is about me. Not you. Douchebag)

While we're on grievances...I've got a few more. People that claim to be your "best friend" or "one of your best friends" yet...lie to you over the dumbest shit. I don't need to know everything you do, but if you are gonna tell me what you did...TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, not some fabricated version of what you did. Once it's a lie..it's not what you did....It becomes what you DIDNT do.

I'm also not fond of people who start talking to someone, fall head over heels, then gets fucked over, then forgives, then gets fucked over again, then forgives, then lied to and fucked over 37 times in a row, then...comes bitching and moaning to their friend (who is ALWAYS there for them) then...because they fall for the same old routine, and said friend wants nothing to do with the lying sonodacunt.....basically treats the friend like they've done something wrong, and makes them feel like a complete outsider.

I don't like people that don't return phone calls.
I don't like people that pretend other peoples' feelings aren't important. I mean, I'm a dickhead...and I'm still aware that other people matter. It's not always just about me.

I'm also very upset with MTV. Myself being an avid fan of DVR, I record almost everything that I view on television. I couldn't even tell you the last thing I watched live. (it was LOST last night..I couldn't wait) I don't know what's wrong with MTV, maybe it's that fuckin MTV News bullshit they do, that throws off all the programming by 3 minutes, or what...but I'm sick and fucking tired of missing the end of the fucking Real World:Brooklyn. You'd think some genuis would figure out a way to make DVR record the whole god damned program, not just the time the program is scheduled for. It's more than just MTV, too.

The Academy Awards. Every year, they go way over. The year Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress,...They announce her name. She walks up. Starts crying. And....says... Nothing. Show over. All I get is "delete program" or "do not delete program". I still dunno what she said.

The year Carrie Underwood won American Idol. There she is. (Ryan Seacrest) And, theres Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Holding hands. And the winner is... "delete program" "do not delete program". I had to look it up online, after my roomate and I stood there...jaws dropped momentarily cause we couldn't believe we waited all season for that moment..and then...didn't get it.

And, I won't even mention the fact that CBS' schedule on Sundays is ALWAYS fucked up during football season. Every sunday, I get half of 60 minutes, and the first half of the Amazing Race. And, lets face it...the second half is WAY better than the first half.

Another debacle I'm having is idiots in my apartment building. Every weekend some random asshole has dumped beer all over in one of the elevators, or left trash all over one of the elevators. Cat Litter, all over one of the elevators. Food, all over the elevators. Silly string, all over the elevators. I wanna write a note like "hey...assholes. Im not sure how you prefer the place YOU fucking live in, to look...but I prefer it to not look like I'm twelve years old and sleep in a fucking twin size bed shaped like a racecar. So, if you could please try not to throw your shit allllll over the place, and keep it confined to your own apartment, that'd be great. I kinda like not having cockroaches. But, I can't speak for everyone here. Obviously." Like, do you not have respect for yourself? Who the fuck wants to live in a place like that?

What about people that come out to the bar, and pay with nickles and dimes. Or, give me two dimes and a nickle and ask for a solid quarter. Or, pay with nickles and dimes, and apologize for it. then 20 minutes later pay with a 20 dollar bill. I gotta tell people ahead of time "we don't take any kind of change except quarters" cause these bitches are tryin to pay outta their fuckin piggy banks. If you ain't got money, don't go out. It's simple. The bar is not the fucking bank. lol.

I guess that's all for now. On a completely unrelated note... I wasn't sure how I was going to feel exactly once our newly elected president took office. I don't at all consider myself political. However after listening to him speak, (and getting teary eyed) I find myself suddenly interested. Suddenly excited. I don't know if Barrack Obama will be a successful president. I know he's oft compared to John F. Kennedy. I don't know what great, or lackluster things he will accomplish. But, I do know that he holds a special ability to speak directly to the hearts of people. I've experienced a sense of excitement when he talks. He offers me inspiration. And, that is something to be spoken for. I don't know anything about his policies, or what he promises to do, or whether he can achieve anything more than idle promises... But I do know that he has the ability to inspire a generation. He has the power to invoke change, and offer hope. And, that goes alot further than one might choose to believe. A few months ago, I didn't really care who became president. I can honestly say that I'm very glad that this person was elected. I think there's a very strong possibility that he will go down as one of the best political faces to ever helm the United States of America. (and..if I'm wrong...who the fuck cares..I said I know nothing about politics.) lol.

As long as he gets the DVR thing fixed. I'm good.

It's anything but simple..

I try to think back to a time when my views on love were simple.
I try to remember how it felt to trust someone whole-heartedly.
I devote my minds wanderings to thinking of a way to take it all back to the beginning.
Maybe before I knew what it was. Maybe before I'd ever felt it.
Just so that I could know what it felt like to experience again.
Not that I haven't, or won't again. But, I think everytime you fall in love, it becomes harder to genuinely do it again.
Because every mistake or regret from the time (or times) before, loingers over you.
You focus your energy on trying to make it better. Easier.
And, what you end up doing is trying to take a cookie cutter and forming your own ideal version of the most raw and uncontrollable emotion.
I think that's why they say the first love is the one you will always remember the most.
It's the only one that, is really completely natural.
You don't know what you're doing. What's ahead. It's an amazingly, frightening experience.

Over time, and experiences, I've lost my simplistic views.
While I still hold onto my ideas that love is something that you fight for, that you want and need, it's also true that I don't find it as inviting as before.
I dunno when exactly this change incorporated itself into my livelihood, but I find it there and long for the time when it wasn't.

While I struggled with letting go of love, and loving myself and all those other debacles over the last few months, some of my closest friends found themselves falling in love.

I don't know if it was because I was jealous of them having that feeling and me not, or if I was upset cuz I felt it meant it would be a "the cheese stands alone" kinda thing. For whatever reason I found myself looking for reasons to be irritated with my friends. Maybe just so that my subconscious would feel better if I got mad at them, and stopped talking to them, before they just got too busy for me.

I've never been in a situation where love blossoms around me, and I'm the guy on the other end of it. Scowling at small gestures of affection. Curling my lip at every held hand.
I'll admit that I felt alienated. Uncomfortable. Threatened.
And, I wish I wasn't that guy.
Unfortunately, I can be pretty selfish. Fairly self involved. Extremely over emotional.

In recent days, some of these relationships have ended.
I'm going through so many different feelings. Relief. Sadness.
Excitement that things can go back to what they were.
Acknowledgement. Realizing that things can't go back to how they were.
I want friends who are genuinely happy for me, and I want to be that same friend.
Not a skeptic.

Love has been so, bittersweet for me.
Before it was something I actually went looking for. Forcefully. (not..THAT forcefully.)
Now I find myself more afraid of it.

Coming to terms with this, makes me feel bad for myself.
Add it together with all the things that have been bothering me lately about myself...And I'm wondering who the hell I am?

I seem to have, become everything I set out to never become.
It's kinda weird for me.

I take such an aggressive stance on everything. I wish I could be someone who is more interested in finding amazing things, rather than hiding away from the not so amazing ones.

I guess I'm a classic "the glass is half empty" kinda guy.
I'm just trying to become something different.
And I seem to be out of anything that I can pour into the glass to make it full again.

All in all, I wish that people didn't get hurt.
I wish that the people in my life never experienced heartbreak. I wish that I'd never experienced it either.
It's amazing how the greatest feeling in the world, is also the worst feeling in the world. And, its shocking how quickly it can go from one to the other.

I guess I just advise people this.
Welcome every opportunity. It's better to lose what you've had, than to never have anything.

Above Suspiscion?

I don't know how many of the people that read this have ever experienced one of those moments where something seemingly small, and almost unimportant..changes your life.

Whether it be an alteration of how you act, or how you think. How you feel, or how you feel you should feel.
These miniscule (sp?) events occur all the time. Usually without notice. People are often so consumed with everything they've got to do, (or everything they aren't doing) that they fail to notice these things.
I think it's these things that actually change people the most.
It sets you on a different mindset. A different wavelength. A brand new path of thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Sometimes it amazes me how quickly one small action, (or lack of action) or comment can alter your entire life.

I've actually gone through that on a few different levels.

Feeling that someone likes you. Realizing that people aren't your friends. Being told lies. Needing to accept that not everyone can be how you are.
Sometimes I jump to the notion that people are wrong, because they act in ways I can't relate to. They do something that makes them appear weak (in my eyes), and instead of rationalizing their reasons, I find fault in their decisions.
It's almost as if a light has been shun upon me, and I suddenly see how people must think about me.

I've recently acknowledged the fact that I'm in a really...interesting situation. In almost all facets of my life.

I find myself often trying to give advice to people whom I feel I've experienced more than. Sometimes I like to assume that because I've gone through certain things, it makes me an expert, or someone with a wise opinion, or...something.
But the further I trek along trying to help people, I find that ultimately instead of helping them, I only alienate myself from them further.
Placing another wedge in between the wedges of wedges already wedged in between us.

Truth be told, I'm no expert. I have a fairly decent head on my shoulder when it comes to listening to peoples' problems and offering advice or a mature solution. But, without the ability to do that for myself, or take those tools and apply them towards my life...I'm not sure that I'm really in any different situation than anyone else.

There's a fine line in offering your assistance, and becoming too involved.

I'm experiencing on many different levels just how much people change.
You fall in love, you change. You fall out of love, you change.
You get hurt, you change. You get adorned with appreciation, you change.

Sometimes, it's hard to accept the changes that birth themselves within the people you care about. Sometimes it's easy, but...in my experience it's been more of a struggle.
I get disappointed so easily.
Sometimes I wonder that if certain people knew everything about me...would they feel they way I do about others?
I'm one of those fucked up people that can clearly see the possibilities and potential that other people possess. but when it comes to my own capabilities I'm deaf and dumb. Blind and bewildered.

I'm at a place where I'm on the verge of losing several close friends. Some are too far gone to pull back, some are on the edge. And, some aren't there yet but rapidly approaching.
I try to imagine a life where I don't have these people. One where I don't need them.

I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not sure which life I'd rather possess.
It seems, that when it comes to friendship.. I seem to have more to offer, than to gain.

I get a little worn out with it all.

I guess I'm just realizing that some people are more important to me, than I am to them.
And, that creates the desire inside of me to tell them that, I don't want them to be a part of my life if they can't treat me respectfully.

I feel taken advantage of from several different directions. Peoples' motives become my greatest suspiscion.
I dunno.

I'm just annoyed by people lately.
I feel underappreciated from so many different angles that I find myself looking at everyone and questioning everything.
Thus far, the answers are less than satisfying. I can say that.
For sure.

New Year Updates

Before I write my next blog, I'd like to address an issue I have.
The guy whom I wrote about in my last blog, referred to reading my blog and my "emotional cutting". This person knows nothing about me, excpet what little he's picked up from heresay, and from reading my blog.
So, if what you've read leads you to believe that I'm a mess, and I throw a pity party and as you so delicately put it "you're so sick of it" that you're ready to hand me a knife....Here's a valid thought...

STOP READING MY BLOG.
I'm certainly not out spamming people, tricking them into coming here and reading what I have to say. Therefore, you make your own decision to come and read it. So, if you are truly tired of it, then you wouldn't continue. But, truth me told, I think that sad, lonely, bitter, angry, "noone loves me" part of you, doesn't allow you to stop reading my blog. Because if....we were being totally honest I think you relate to the things I write more than you care to admit.
The difference between the two of us, is that I'm not afraid my feelings. I have no problems letting people read them, because they make up who I am. This, might make me come across as an "emotional cutter", but it also makes me real. It makes me human. It makes me someone who doesn't hide who he is.
And, it makes me unlike you, you sits and pretends to be happy, when everyone knows you're not.

I don't mind having drama with you, but lets keep the drama on the table and open. Lets not keep it on the downlow. If yer gonna be a douchebag to someone for no reason, make sure you do it openly, and not like a coward who can't stand up for the things that he says.

Again, if you don't wanna listen to what I have to say, click the x, bitch. I'd rather you didn't read anyway.
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Things have gotten extremely crazy for me lately.
I suddenly find myself working like crazy. The manager quit/got fired/whatever happened, happened. And, I've somehow been anointed with his shifts. This pleases me, because it's good money. However, it creates alot of chaos between co-workers who....may, or are jealous or angry because they feel they might be more deserving.
It also causes personal grief, because the manager is/was/is my friend...and I feel bad. However, someone's gotta do it, and..I'm fine with making money for a change.
There's talk of me being the manager, which is false. I'd welcome some more responsibility, but I don't know that I could be in charge of these people. Mostly because they're my friends. I care about them, and if I were to find myself in a position of power, I'd be forced to make decisions that would probably ruin some of those friendships.

It's a confusing place. When does your own personal survival and success, start or stop becoming more important than bonds you've made with people in your life. It seems it should be pretty cut and dry, however...it's not.

I had a discussion with a friend about perception. I feel really negatively about how most of my coworkers perceive me. I think most of them think that because I'm younger, and less mature, and at eyes' glance a bubbly, goofy, and spastic kinda guy, that this somehow makes me less capable of things. As if it somehow places me on a lower level than them.
This bothers me, and admittedly could be an overreaction. An unvalid assumption. But, it's just the feeling I get.
There's this giant part of me, that just wants to prove them wrong.
Maybe I have alot of people I wanna prove wrong. Maybe I'd like to prove myself wrong.
At the same time, maybe I'd like to validate some of my more...overconfident feelings as well.

It's an interesting place,regardless.
-----
I'm addicted to Guitar Hero. I'm horrible on the drums, horrible on the guitar, and horrible at the singing portion. But, I'm trying my best to be a rock star.
Singing is definitely my strongest suit of the three.
My roomate, his boyfriend and I have created our own band called "The Choochawuwus".
We're the shit. lol
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My personal life, is in complete shambles.

I recieved a comment on one of my past blogs that I'd written about the last ex boyfriend. I don't know who left it, and I've spent alot of time trying to figure out who it could be. Truth is, I have no idea. There's that part of me that hopes or wishes it was him. Then there's that part of me that wants to smack the shit out myself for even letting myself think that.
I read it, and it made me cry. And, then I cried because I was crying over it.
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss him....Even if just his friendship.

With that, I've been talking to someone. He's really nice, and our sarcastic personalities align. However some circumstances stand in the way that would certainly make things difficult.
And, he's also quite young, which kinda goes against my rules.
There is however something that intrigues me. I guess we'll see.
Somehow it just still ends up.....all confusing.

What's the right thing to do. The ultimate question. The typical stalemate.

Truth be told, I'm not sure the lines between right and wrong are so clearly drawn anymore. I've gone through a crazy time, and I find myself a different person.
Doing things I wouldn't normally do. Associating with people I wouldn't normally associate with.
Sacrificing parts of myself for different reasons that..I wouldn't normally sacrifice.

Ive made some decisions over the last few weeks and months that I'm probably not fully proud of. I could justify the reasons or try to explain my thought process, but...there's really no need.

I'm torn between feeling sort of ashamed of myself, and feeling sort of released from some of the limitations and restrictions I've acquired over the years.

I truly am a person I don't know anymore. And, its both frightening, and exhilarating at the same time.

I've had so much on my mind, so much stress. It's been amazing to just give that up for awhile and try to just....live.
Though, the thinker, the dreamer, the hoper, and ...all of the other amazing parts of me that make up my better parts....tell me that I'm a giant fool.
I can't help but feel kinda disappointed in myself.
One of those "what have I become" kinda things.
It's up and down. Ying and Yang. Good and Bad.
I sudddenly dont measure some of these things in the same way. So, everythings' all backwards.

I just...dunno anything anymore.
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I'm both the happiest, and the saddest I've ever been in my life. It's a difficult place to be in, let alone try to describe.
I guess I gotta take things one day at a time. Or. something.
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I've gotten to see my sisters more recently. They've come out a few times lately,and for the first time in 9 years I got to see my youngest sister Angel.
It's strange for me, seeing them. I'm not used to the feeling. It's one I welcome, and I'm thankful for, it's just...new.
The very protective-older brother thing pops up and I'm like..."wtf...when did I become so.....concerned for other people".
Truth be told, I barely know them. But, Ive never really felt this completely natural and raw emotion of love before. It's one of those "id do anything for you" kind of feelings.
I realize what a huge loss we've all experienced by not seeing each other and having more of a relationshop before. And, it makes me really happy that...that is changing.
They're so....grown up. And, fun, and intelligent. Talented, each in their own way. And, beautiful. It's like...mind blowing sometimes that those little girls I hadn't seen in so long, are now these adults.
And, that long-lingering question of "do they care about me" or "do they miss me, or love me" has been answered.
It's a huge weight kinda lifted offa me.
And, it ignites excitement inside of me to get to know them. To hang out with them.
I dunno. It just...makes me feel good.
And, I know that they feel the same way. It's... cool.
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I'm actually making alot of progress within myself. I'm still a mess.... but, I continue to grow. I won't say I' anything amazing now, but..I'll get there at my own pace.

I decided against resolutions for the new year. Truth is, I've never had a resolution. I don't need the start of a new year to ignite spark in me to change something. I should have that spark no matter the time of year. And, if I don't....that's why it won't ever change.

I did however set one goal.
By years' end, I want to have written my first novella.
I'm not going to put some expectation into actually having anything published. But, I'd like to have that accomplishment made.
I need to make that a reality.
My dreams are never going to come true if I don't try to make them.
And, neither will yours.
So, I encourage everyone to do something that will put them a step closer towards those dreams.

I look forward to this year. I think it's going to be the most influencial one in my life, in a very long time.

Happy New Year everybody.
I hope everyone gets the chance to experience something amazing.