Above Suspiscion?

I don't know how many of the people that read this have ever experienced one of those moments where something seemingly small, and almost unimportant..changes your life.

Whether it be an alteration of how you act, or how you think. How you feel, or how you feel you should feel.
These miniscule (sp?) events occur all the time. Usually without notice. People are often so consumed with everything they've got to do, (or everything they aren't doing) that they fail to notice these things.
I think it's these things that actually change people the most.
It sets you on a different mindset. A different wavelength. A brand new path of thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Sometimes it amazes me how quickly one small action, (or lack of action) or comment can alter your entire life.

I've actually gone through that on a few different levels.

Feeling that someone likes you. Realizing that people aren't your friends. Being told lies. Needing to accept that not everyone can be how you are.
Sometimes I jump to the notion that people are wrong, because they act in ways I can't relate to. They do something that makes them appear weak (in my eyes), and instead of rationalizing their reasons, I find fault in their decisions.
It's almost as if a light has been shun upon me, and I suddenly see how people must think about me.

I've recently acknowledged the fact that I'm in a really...interesting situation. In almost all facets of my life.

I find myself often trying to give advice to people whom I feel I've experienced more than. Sometimes I like to assume that because I've gone through certain things, it makes me an expert, or someone with a wise opinion, or...something.
But the further I trek along trying to help people, I find that ultimately instead of helping them, I only alienate myself from them further.
Placing another wedge in between the wedges of wedges already wedged in between us.

Truth be told, I'm no expert. I have a fairly decent head on my shoulder when it comes to listening to peoples' problems and offering advice or a mature solution. But, without the ability to do that for myself, or take those tools and apply them towards my life...I'm not sure that I'm really in any different situation than anyone else.

There's a fine line in offering your assistance, and becoming too involved.

I'm experiencing on many different levels just how much people change.
You fall in love, you change. You fall out of love, you change.
You get hurt, you change. You get adorned with appreciation, you change.

Sometimes, it's hard to accept the changes that birth themselves within the people you care about. Sometimes it's easy, but...in my experience it's been more of a struggle.
I get disappointed so easily.
Sometimes I wonder that if certain people knew everything about me...would they feel they way I do about others?
I'm one of those fucked up people that can clearly see the possibilities and potential that other people possess. but when it comes to my own capabilities I'm deaf and dumb. Blind and bewildered.

I'm at a place where I'm on the verge of losing several close friends. Some are too far gone to pull back, some are on the edge. And, some aren't there yet but rapidly approaching.
I try to imagine a life where I don't have these people. One where I don't need them.

I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not sure which life I'd rather possess.
It seems, that when it comes to friendship.. I seem to have more to offer, than to gain.

I get a little worn out with it all.

I guess I'm just realizing that some people are more important to me, than I am to them.
And, that creates the desire inside of me to tell them that, I don't want them to be a part of my life if they can't treat me respectfully.

I feel taken advantage of from several different directions. Peoples' motives become my greatest suspiscion.
I dunno.

I'm just annoyed by people lately.
I feel underappreciated from so many different angles that I find myself looking at everyone and questioning everything.
Thus far, the answers are less than satisfying. I can say that.
For sure.