Scarecrows Dressed in the Latest Styles.

I've spent alot of time today thinking. Mostly thinking about this exact blog. What to say, how to say it. I've come up with no satisfying conclusion. So here it all goes. The best, the worst, and all in between.

At the final night of bowling on Tuesday, one of the girls on the league approached me. She's someone that's always come across as nice, but never as someone that would typically seem interested in talking to me.
I was cramming some sort of asian salad thingy down my throat, when she walked up..leaned into me and said "I just want to say I read every one of your blogs and I have to say you are a very good writer. You're very insightful"
It's moments like those, that cause a commotion in my mind. It sometimes makes me feel strange that people I don't know read my blog, let alone take any sort of positive influence from it. Often times it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable when people mention my blog, if only because I'm able to put things in words on the internet, that I probably couldn't voice to very many people in person, if any.
And at the same time, it makes me feel very good. A part of putting your heart and soul online, is having the knowledge that somewhere, someone is listening to you. Someone understands, and if not, they at least try to. As someone who has only really ever wanted to be someone who inspires people in the world with the things they write...it's a feeling that I can't describe. It's some sort of validation that...if one person sees it as something inspiring, or thought provoking, touching, life altering, or just something to keep their mind off their own maladies...then perhaps my ideas of wanting to make a name for myself in this field aren't completely ridiculous.
I doubt myself alot. In every area of my life really. But my writing is something that sparks something inside of me. Like a musician and their instrument. A painter to their easel. I have the words that come from inside of me. And, being as my education is limited, I fear that my lack of understanding for vocabulary, parts of speech, proper punctuaion, and things of that nature are often times disparaging.
I think that maybe that lack of education will ultimately cost me my goals and dreams. Though, on the other side of that coin, is the fact that I also believe in some weird way that the things that I lack, are in some strange way my biggest asset. I don't have the fancy words, and the knowledge of the best way to word a sentence, and where to insert a comma or a semi colon. But I do realize that I have an interesting way of saying how I feel.
And that's simply that I...say it.
I've never been one to hold back how I feel. Which, some could argue is just as much a positive as it is a negative.

If you're anyone who reads my banter on a regular basis you know that I've been dealing with someone who has been attacking me and my other half, through anonymous messages on my blog. I've gone through the decision making process as to whether or not to moderate my comments, and not allow him to post without first being approved. Initially, I looked at it like I didn't want this person to think that what he was saying was actually affecting me. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that...Yeah. His onslaughts actually do hurt my feelings.
I said, fuck it. I'll let him post his bullshit, let people read it, and anyone with any sort of common sense can see that this person is an ignorant son of a cunt.
That decision has since been altered.
The attacks have grown ugly, and while there is some glimmer of truth to some of the things he's said...he puts a spin on them that makes them look like something they're not. Or, at least something I don't want to believe thet are.
Being someone who, tends to tell people exactly what he thinks, without regard to their feelings...I've faced this before. People tend to get upset when you offend them. And, often times they want to recieve vindication.
Whether these comments are meant as payback, or simply an act of anger or jealousy, or whatever other emotion, I can only speculate. But, I'm not going to use my place for thoughts and feelings as a battleground for some idiotic person to belittle me. I can't argue inbetween comments on my blog, whether or not this person is going to sleep with my boyfriend, or do this, or do that, or whatever other threats he's used. These things are out of my control. Certainly, me sayin "thats not going to happen" isn't going to ensure that it's not. Just as his words of "yes it will", don't mean that it will.
It becomes a game who has more confidence in what they think the outcome will be. And, I really have no choice but to believe in myself, and let other peoples' decisions stand for themselves.

I know, that this blog will probably lead to more comments. Unfortunately for those reading that want to remain abreast of the situation...his comments will no longer be posted publicly. Though, I'm sure they'll continue for awhile.

One thing that I will admit to, is how much some of the things bother me. I can handle attacks on myself, and I can deal with attacks on the person I'm in love with. However, the attacks on the grandmother thing, kind of hit me in a soft spot. My own personal, kryptonite type of thing.

At any rate. I'll conceed that this person has gotten under my skin, and forced me to make adjustments so that it doesn't continue to get uglier in a public forum. Being someone who is often too proud, and always in constant fear of someone besting him...it kinda makes me fell down on myself.
A sort of..ah..I even fail at one of the things I'm good at, which is argueing with people. I guess for this one, the other person is just more prepared for the "pulling through the dirt" process.
I'll suck it up, and admit that there's no way to win this one. I have been bettered.
Though, theres that other side of me that says... this makes me the victor. I'm not playing the games I once would. However, theres the OTHER side that wonders if I'm not playing the game because I'm equipped with the ammunition needed.
At any rate, I know who the person is. He's a douchebag. (clearly) and hopefully he accidently blows himself up and is eaten by some sort of rabid camel in Iraq. (best case scenario..its videotaped and put on youtube for my viewing pleasure)

With all that said. I've been getting alot of ideas randomly popping up in my head in regards to things to write about. I feel a surge of creativity coming, and that makes me extremely happy. Especially in this time where I feel so down on myself. Granted, I'm the type of person who is always down on myself, lately it's just been worse.
I feel sort of....undesirable. I know that I'm with someone who loves me, and all that...but I just am so overly critical that I feed on all of my own insecurities and I eat myself alive over them. I don't really feel, special or attractive, or anything.
Sort of like I'm just kinda here. In the way. Taking up space.
It can be said that noone can make you feel good about yourself, if you dont feel good about yourself first. Though, it can also be argued that the two work collectively.
With the complete state of array almost every aspect of my life seems to be in...I just want to stop for a few moments, and be reassured that I'm not the creator of all things wrong and hate-filled in the world. I'd like to be shown that I am capable of bringing a smile to someones face. Inspiring someone to be something great. Able to be enough for someone. I want proof that the prospect of being happy is something I have the ability to achieve. Sometimes I think the people around us, that need to help boost us up, often forget that lives are intertwined.
Thank people. Apologize. Be humble. Show love. Care. Consider others. And most importantly hold on to people that need a little more. You'd be surprised how much a little bit of help along the way can help someone.
Noone wants to feel unimportant. Just think about it. Everyone. Pay someone a compliment. It can make a difference in someones' day in ways you'd never really think imaginable.

*nod*

20 Things that are Irritating Me

I'm sitting here watching Racheal Ray, and I suddenly feel the need to list a few things that irritate me.

1) Racheal Ray. I don't know why, but her voice makes me want to cut myself. Her cooking...good times. Her voice....Not so much.

2)The fact that everyone is getting old. Christie Brinkley (shes on R.R) is like 54, and looks it. Madonna is over 50. Ellen is 50. I'm starting to realize that the people that were 25-30 and hot when I was younger...are now getting old, and aren't so hot anymore. It's a painful reminder that at 25, my best years are behind me. And, I'm not prepared for that.

3)That damn Captcha thing you gotta retype to post a comment on myspace, or log in to yahoo games. Sometimes they put 9 different letters/numbers in there, and often they're so close to one another, or sideways and ontop of each other that I can't figure out what some of them are. I find myself having to do it 3 or 4 times to get it right. I don't have time for that shit!

4) The maintenance guy at our apartment complex found out we have a dog. (Well... *I* have a dog. I've had him since I was 12 years old) And, he ratted us out. So, we got a letter stating we have 30 days to get rid of the dog, or we can be served with an eviction notice. Upon calling the complex manager...The only way around their "No Pets" policy, is if I can get a doctor to write a letter saying something to the effect of "He's been through alot, his dog is an "emotional companion" (their words..not mine) I don't have a doctor, so I basically have to ask a doctor during my first visit with them, if they'll write some stupid thing saying I need my dog for my emotional well being. It's ridiculous and I'm so afraid to do it. However, if I don't at least try, I have to deal with the fact that we'll be forced to move, and it'll be entirely my fault. (guilt...it's ugly)

5) People who make comments to you, or to someone else in front of you, that are something they want you to overhear and read too much into, but pretend that they don't want you to know about. It's ridiculous

6) The fact that I couldn't get the right spelling of "maintenance" without going to dictionary.com.

7) I either sleep too much, or not enough. It's never the right amount. I'm always either too tired to do anything, or too over-slept to do anything. Sleeping too much is worse than not sleeping at all. Either way..I'm always tired.

8) Everyone I become close friends with...moves away. Every person that I've ever considered a "best friend"...I barely never speak to. It sucks.

9) the fact that my closet rod is still broken. It's been 3 weeks. I'm tired of my fucking clothes being all over the fucking place. Fuckin maintenance douchewaffle needs to get on his shit. This is bullshit. They now KNOW we have a dog, so I just wanna be like "look....if our clothes stay all over the floor...the dog I'm not supposed to have is gonna pee all over them...and I know that's not your problem.But...fixing the fucking shit yer supposed to fix...is your problem so fucking do your fucking job you fucking tattle-tail bastard.

10) Guys who say they're bisexual bottoms. You can fuck pussy, but not ass? wtf is that? Why don't you just say "hey....i fuck girls because im too scared to come right out and say hey..im a homo who likes it up the butt."

11) March Madness. If they didn't restrict it to only in March, then maybe it wouldnt be on all god damned day, and then when the shows that I DVR every week come on at 8 or 9, the basketball bullshit would actually be over, and I'd get the entire episode of what I'm taping. Instead...it goes over its scheduled time, and I end up with 57 minutes of 60 minutes, and 3 minutes of Big Brother. All of which was the recap from last weeks episodes.

12) Basketball in general. It's so repetitive.

13) Christie Brinkley. She's singing on RR. She sounds like a man. Looks like a man, pretending to me a woman, who looks like a man pretending to be a woman.

14) We live right next to a funeral home. (it's pretty dead usually) Today there's this family of 6 in the parking lot. They don't appear to be in any particular state of mourning. Three of them, are racing remote controlled cars through the parking lot. THREE of them. Don't they have a sidewalk at home?!?

15) Barack Obama. I'm just not a fan. I don't like his face, I don't like his name. He comes across as shiesty to me. Sure, Hilary is shiesty too, but at least I know that. I can't stand that everyone says "oh he's sucha good speaker and his speeches move people". Yeah. He's a good speaker. But...all he's doing is reading a speech that someone else wrote. Should we elect him cuz he can stand in the mirror and rehearse a speech until it sounds good, or should we elect the person who actually wrote the words that are moving people. People came down on Geraldine Ferrarro.(whatever her name is) for saying that Barack wouldn't be where he is if he wasn't black.
I couldn't agree with her more. As much as people say this isn't about race and gender....unfortunately...That's ALL that it's going to be about. If they black man wins it, it'll be *the* defining moment for black people. The same for women if the woman wins. I think politics need a major overhaul in general.

16) Politics. All it is, is propaganda. Half the republicans aren't republicans. The democrats arent democrats. They're just people pretending to be something that they know hundreds of thousands of people will rally behind.
If I knew that there was a chance of me becoming president..I might tell people exactly what they want to hear too.

17)I'm poor. Dirt poor. I spend too much, I don't make enough. I don't work enough, and if I did, I'd complain that I work too much. I never get to buy anything for myself. It's food, bills and rent. Occasionally something on ebay that's already belonged to someone else. It just ain't the same. I'm a shopaholic who isn't allowed to shop. It sucks dirty buttcrack.

18)Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I hate everything about her. Including her face.

19)Ohio. The place, the people. Everything. Everyone. I need to escape.

20 A) People going on and on about "Britneys' Comeback". She never woulda left in the first place if everyone would just leave her alone. God damn.
20 B) Being horny. I swear to god, I'm addicted to sex. All I want to do all god damn day is orgasm.

A Blog from the Past

I found something that I wrote on July 23rd, 2003. It was in my old diaryland diary. It's something I feel like reposting.

The only noteworthy change is that I no longer smoke. Here it is.:



July 23rd...2003 + 11:46 a.m.
I've decided to list all of the things that I am. Here's the list I've compiled.
I am a male. I am a gay male. I am opinionated.I am independant. And I am a loud mouth.
I am also shy, secluded and dependant.
I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am careless, and I am mean.
I am also caring, thoughtful, and kind.
I am gentle, I am strong, and I am weak.
I am lazy, I am meaningless, and I am brave.
I am hungry, I am hopeful, and I am hurtful.
I am honest, I am helpless, and I am hurt.
I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, and I'm all talk
I am young, I'm intelligent, and I am not wise.
I am lonely, I am haunted, and I am cursed.
I am special, I am surrounded, and I am blessed.
I'm unique. I am ordinary and I am pessimistic.
I am ugly and I am beautiful, and I am blind to both
I am wounded I am scarred, and I am tormented.
I am picky, I am arrogant, and I am annoying.
I am underappreciated, and I am ungrateful.
I am dying for a cigarette, I am dying because of cigarettes, nonetheless, I am a smoker wthout cigarettes.
I'm a horrible lover, and the greatest lover one will ever know.
I'm also one of those millions of idiots that purchased the Hanson "Mmm Bop" cd.
I cry too much.
I'm sensitive, and hard headed. And,Stubborn
I'm a hypocrite, and an idiot. I'm afraid and uninteresting. I'm boring and exciting.And I'm a complete roller coaster, who changes in an instant.
I am hated, and I am adored. I am comforted, and I am closed minded.
I am funny, well...I am a hilarious. And I'm one of those people, that everyone likes.
I'm one of those people, that everyone dislikes also.
I'm a jealous person, and an angry one.
I am a writer, I am a fool, and I am a failure.
I'm a disappointment, and on most days..I wish I wasn't in a world causing problems for myself or anyone else.
I am full of love. And love everything about love. The idea, the thought, the feeling.
I am in love.
I have never loved myself...And I am a person, that probably never will.
I am also a person that exxagerates, and a person that cries out for attention.

The Write Words.

Sometimes the amount of time that passes as I search for the proper words to speak my mind, amazes me. I guess if anything, it proves to my own critical mind that, I am indeed a writer.
Always searching for the right thing to say. Always worried that if I don't word things properly, or explain myself as best as possible...the wrong interpretation could be made, and things could go horribly awry. Yet at the same time, I get so angry that I often edit the things that initially come out, just so that the wrong thing isnt misconstrued.
The time that is spent going through the "Nope...not happy with that...must delete" process in my blogs, is near ridiculous.

Bear with me.

At this exact moment, I feel like I'm in a room with four walls and seventeen corners. I feel like I walk slowly, edging against the walls.....though all I really want to do is hide myself in the corner.

I'm not sure why I've been in this ...misplaced sort of mood today. It's one of those things I can't escape. Not today, not yesterday. Last week. Last year. Ever.

I'm not exactly sure, if it goes back to the horrible way I was raised and always feeling inferior to everything...or if its just something that gradually happened along the way to where I am now....
But, I tend to take minor things that most people wouldn't see as a "thing" and find a way to spin into some sort of personal attack against myself.

I tend to automatically think everything I do is wrong. That I'm not good enough. That I'm never going to be good enough. For myself, for someone else. For anything.
My opinion of myself, especially in the last few years has gotten so ....exasperatingly small. It almost feels vaporized.

This becomes a problem for me, quite often. Sometimes I'm able to shake it off, and sometimes it tends to linger around for longer than it should.
Today is one of those days, where it's all kinda grabbing me by the balls and not letting go.

I spend alot of time, trying to seem like a tough guy. I give a valiant effort towards appearing to the masses, as a strong willed, independant kinda guy, who could care less what a person thinks.
And, while that's part truth, it's also part fiction.

I think, I want people to think good thoughts of me. Then, if I find out they don't, I say "fuck you..i dont care what you think..I dont like you anyway". Or something to that extent.
But, when someone has something good to say...I feed off of it, like a homeless man to a 40 oz.

I'm one of those people that, if not recieving compliments, I feel like.....theres something wrong.
I panic. I worry.

I guess this all sort of started over this person leaving me messages. If you've been lucky enough to see them on the blog, before I've deleted them...consider yourself lucky.

Deep down, I know that this person is just trying to get under my skin, and by letting him/her...I'm giving them what they want. I know this. And half of me is like, whatever..I don't care.
But, if I'm being honest..I do care.

As mean, and brutal as people think I am....I'm really not. Deep down, underneath the exterior walls I build around myself, I'm actually a really good guy. Someone who cares alot about people, and feels compassion. Somewhere along the road I learned that, that guy gets mauled upon....and if I'm going to survive with my heart/mind intact, I've gotta adapt myself into something that can survive in my surroundings.
Somehow, I turned into someone that...seems unconcerned with feelings belonging to anyone but my own. But, infact this is not true.

This person leaving comments has found a weakness in me. A crack in the wall, in which he/she can stick their hands through...and ultimately expose me as a fraud.
What will the world think of Nick, if they know he isn't a heartless bastard, with real-life feelings?
The part of me, that is afraid of people "getting one up on me", or making me look bad, is so afraid that this person is going to say something about me, and someone will read it, and....then what?
Instead of focusing on the fact that, anyone with common sense, reading a blog, and the comments by some anonymous asshole will be able to differentiate between fact, and someone just talking shit to get under someones' skin....I focus on, well...."what if this person says something stupid like.. "you have aids" and..someone reading actually believes it". "What are they gonna think about me".
And, I'm ashamed of that. The fact is, I shouldn't worry about what someone else says about me. Nor should I concern myself with what someone else is going to think, about me after hearing these things....true or false.
I'm afraid that this person is going to say something about the person I love, that others might frown upon. Or, that I myself might let get the best of my paranoid thoughts, and start to question. Which, by all guesses...Is exactly what this person wants me to be worried about.

The fact is if you read this blog, you either know me, or you don't. You either know my boyfriend, or you dont. And, my defenses of what a random person has to say, isn't going to really combat anything other false accusations, and maddening ideas.
A force of negativity, placed into my life by someone wishing to make things difficult for me.

I've speculated for weeks over who it could be...I get messages to my phone. Emails. Instant Messages. It's almost like I have a stalker. Which, is almost endearing.

The words that this person has to say, isn't what hurts me. It's the trickle down effects of the comments that suck.
I start to get all "well....maybe i am ugly" Then I feel like..I'm never told otherwise...it must be true! and I get all sequestered. I distance myself...because I feel worthless, or not what I should be. Not enough.
And, that's where I'm giving this person strength over me.

I'm sure this blog will stir up all sorts of things, causing this person to give themself giant pats on the back. So, I'll save you the trouble and just say...congratulations. You have succeeded, in making me feel like shit.
But, I'm done with it now. Your wins are now your losses. You can continue if you wish. But, my tendency to beat myself up over words that aren't valid, by someone who can't even list their real name....has reached it's conclusion.

Maybe I am ugly. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I am HIV positive. Maybe I'm not. (I'm not! lol)Maybe my boyfriend has a history that he isn't proud of. Maybe he's a different person, in a different situation. Maybe he's not. Maybe I should kill myself because noone loves me, and maybe I shouldn't....maybe someone does.
Either way, your words, whether they be fact or not, are not going to have me afraid and angry of/with myself anymore.
Lord knows I beat myself up enough, without the help of anyone else.

...
I just wish my life was easier. I get so tired of being me, with all my idiocrasies. All my difficult ways. My hard to manage personality. My destructive ways of loving, and what nots.
My journey to feel like someone special....continues. It's all I really want.


"I wish I was special......So fucking special. I'm a creep." -Radiohead-

A Change Gon' Come.

In my past, I was one of those people who said and did things that I believed proved that I was a person of my word, and that I would always stand up for myself. I wouldn't let people do or say things that (from my perspective) made me look like a fool, or embarrassed me.
Often times, my actions went without concern for whether or not the people closest to me, would have to deal with the ramifications of those actions.

Alot of times, both now and before...I say or do things that often seem valid, or necessary to my own personal being....without taking into consideration how others will view the people near and dear to me, after my decision is irreversible.

Two things I was known best for, was saying "im bored" or "I hate my life".

Often times, I was bored. And...I still often struggle with the proper ways to feel that my life is of substantial meaning. But, by doing so, the people around me, whom I shared my ups and downs with....were left to question whether it was their fault. Whether it was their failures...and if something they were doing, or not doing were the cause..or the even the effect.
I never fully grasped the damage that these things do to a persons psyche until long after anything was left to salvage.

I spent a long time, after "the" breakup trying to figure out who I was. What I wanted, What was going to make me happy. Unfortunately, shortly after the search began...I find myself only searching at the bottom of a bottle.
And, for longer than I'm proud, I had a very severe drinking problem.
People might say "oh you didnt drink everyday" or "you didnt drink at home".
And, the fact is I never had one of those life altering drunk moments where I had to choose between life and death, or anything like that.
I mentioned that "I have a drinking problem" and people looked at me like.."you're 22(23, 24) ...you're supposed to be this way".
The fact was...I drank to escape my problems.
I'm the kind of person that, cracks under pressure. Mostly that which is placed upon me by myself.
Maybe it's because I have this underlying issue...that reminds me that everything I do is the wrong thing to do. Every decision is bad. Every mistake is the end of the world.

I stopped drinking, for an extended period of time. And, a bit of clarity came to me.
When something is bothering you, deal with it. Don't bury it.
It will undoubtedly become unburied as soon as you have your 13th shot of Jose Cuervo. And, by the time it's all said and done, You're crying over things that have no bearing on anything that you're currently dealing with.

When I get sad, or angry. Or even slightly irked, one of my initial feelings is "god..I need a drink". Maybe I feel like I need the liquid courage, because I have some underlying issue of handling my problems on my own. Without the help of anyone.

It's something that I'd like to change completely...not just half way. Or, 1/4th or whatever percentage it might actually be.

...
Things are difficult for me right now. I've been feeling incredibly down on myself. And when you feel down on yourself, you feel down on everything. Everyone. Every little thing I do that doesn't work out perfectly, I tear myself down about.
My inner turmoil needs some work.
I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been able to write, and maybe my outlet being plugged up is creating some kind of overflow into everything, or what.

I take things so hard, and personal even when I know they aren't intended to be so. And it gets to be a bit hard to handle.

The other night I was drunk. And fighting with my signif (im creating a new word here....use it) and after it was done..I sat there for awhile...silent. After a few minutes, I unleashed this behemoth array of complete.....emotional breakdown.
I prayed for things to happen to myself, that..people get locked up for. (lol)

When I awoke the next day I felt ashamed of myself. Noone had heard my pleads, other than myself and God, or..whoever you believe in. But, all I could think of is the people that I love. And, while incredibly ridiculous to have even done, drunken or not....How is that kind of request fair to anyone?
Especially when it's not what I want.

I want to make the decision to stop drinking. But, I also know that I work in a bar. That's near impossible. And, I don't want to be that guy that makes a promise to himself, and breaks it. Again.
I don't want to feel like I've failed people, or myself. I don't wanna feel like, once again..I can't do the things I say I can.
So it's a difficult spot.

I guess I just want to advise people of this.

Always, try to think of someone else in your decisions. Nothing that one single person does, only affects that one single person.
Every single thing you do, every single thing you say, in some way, shape or form....affects another person. I've been on both ends, and it's just as bad to know that something you've said or done has hurt someone, as it is to be the one that gets hurt.

And that goes for the moments that you're with people...and the ones when you're alone.
As much as people say "its my life" or "i gotta look out for me"....the truth is...it's not just your life.
It's not just mine.
It's not just that crazy peeping tom guy across the street that you're convinced masterbates into his own daughters' underwears' life.

This kinda went a little further than I intended... but the point is simple.

If you say "im bored" . Someone next to you might think "oh god..im boring". If you say "i hate my life"..someone next to you might think "god..im ruining his/her life"
It's all connected. Everyones' insecurites, to everyones' imperfections.

I know, that personally I have alot of things that I need to change, to give not only myself, but the people I love and care about a better chance to live the best life possible.

I think it all starts with ...thinking about other people...just a liiiiiiiiittle bit more than we, as people...do.

(Sorry for the weird, pro-being nice to people thing...I'm not feeling mean and hateful today)

(With that, I want to end by saying..I have someone who is leaving nasty hateful comments on my blog. It's happened before...I'm dealing with it again. Instead of combating it like I normally would, I'm going to take a different approach. Part of me wanting a better life, includes me being a better person...filled with something other than anger and rage.)
(With that said.....Fuck you. To whoever it is.)
*smooches*

Two Hundred Q's.

200. My middle name is:Vincent
199. I was born in:Toledo Hospital
198. I am really:a neurotic, scared mess.
197. My cell phone company is:Verizon
196. My eye color is:Brown.
195. What was the last picture you took?I’m not big on pictures. I don’t like them being taken of me, therefore I find it appropriate that I don’t go trying to snap pics of someone else. I…know how annoying it is.
194. My ring size is:I guess that depends on which figure yer asking about. How about this one.
*raises middle finger*
193. My height is:5'11- 6ft. (somewhere in that vicinity)
192. i am allergic to?codiene. (It won’t kill me, just make me feel like death)
191. I was born:on May 4th 1982.
190. I am annoyed by:A lot of things. Most things, actually.
189. Last book you read:The first book in Stephen Kings’ “Dark Tower” series. “The Gunslinger”.
188. My bed is:In storage. We sleep on P’s.
187: One thing you hate about yourself:
That I’m never happy with anything.

186. Which of your fingers would you chop off first? Assuming you had to of course.Generally I’d say the ring finger…but then there’d be a big gap. I think the pinky wins (or…loses in this case) just for general appearance purposes.
185. Would you make out with one of your cousins if no one would ever find out about it?No.
184. If you could have lunch with any living celebrity, which would you choose?
Fiona Apple. Hands down.
183. What is the last thing you'd expect your dad to say to you?I’m going to cut off my weiner, and join a traveling tranzy circus show.
182. What is the last thing you'd expect your mom to say?
Anything admitting remorse, regret, or guilt.
181. Ever been to the driving range?Is that a golf thing? I like Golden Tee.
180. What is your favorite type of sandwich?Uh…I’m not really a lunch-meat kinda guy. I do love me some P. B and J, though.
179. My favorite holiday is:Halloween is fun, but..I like getting gifts more. Jesus Day wins.
177. The last cd I bought was?Mozella. Off of Ebay. Love her.
176. Have you ever climbed a mountain?
No. Nor do I have any desire to do so.
175. Are you living at home?My significant other and I live together. It’s home.
174. Do you have any siblings:I have three sisters. And they’re hella cute.
173. Are your parents divorcedYes.
172. What song are you listening to?Linda Perrys’ “Success” is playing on I-Tunes.
171. What's your favorite line in it?”Will success fail me…Will it make me free”
170. What did you do today:I haven’t done anything yet.

169. When did you start this questionnaire?7:04 a.m. And, I’m about to pause to go back to sleep. lol

168. What should you have been doing instead of this?Sleeping. It’s a beautiful thing.
167. How old are your parents?My dad turned 50 in August. I think that makes my mom 45ish. I’m not sure. We’re not exactly close.
166. What is a phrase you constantly say that doesn't make any sense?I don’t typically say things that don’t make sense. A lot of people ask “what exactly is a douchewaffle?” My response.. “you”.
165. Have you ever quit a job?
I quit working with my dad because he was smoking crack.
I quit working at Caesars because the manager at the time was a nutjob.
I was hired at Taco Bell when I was like 19, though…I never actually started.
164. When's the last time you sneezed?I’m not exactly sure. I’ll hafta get back to you on this one. After I check my sneeze log book that I keep.
163. What is your stance on facial hair?I’m neither for it, nor against it. It’s just alright for me. Though, I think I personally am cuter with a little of it.
162. Is there a word that makes you cringe?Not particularly…
161. How are you at algebra?About as good as I am at shooting gold out of my asshole.


160. Now what song is playing?
Mandy Moores’ cover of “Umbrella” (Ella…ella…ella…aye..aye.)
159. Are you physically fit?I’m not in top shape that’s for sure. But, I’m not disgusting either. I’m just alright I guess.
158. Which one of your friends would you never let meet your parents?I don’t even have an answer to this.
157. Anything hurting at the moment?Something is always hurting on me. I think I’m dying.
156. What are you currently happy about? Not something that you're always happy about, something recent...I don’t think I’m currently happy about anything inparticular. I’m not really that kinda guy.
155. Do you have a crush?
Nah. I have someone I wuv.
154. Have you ever been a victim of identity theft?Hell no, who would want to be me, I’m a mess.
153. Would you like to see a bald eagle with a beard?No. But a mullet would be hot.

152. What's the most fragrant thing around you?
Uh…

151. What did you last have for dinner?Rallys. (yesterday)
150. 50 down, how ya doing?Blah. I’m 50 questions into it, and it’s taken me 2 days. And, I hafta stop soon to go to work. I really don’t have time for this. *shrug*
149. I know you watch it, so what is the title of the last porn vid you watched?I don’t really do porn. Occasionally some random stuff on Xtube. But its rare.
148. Which one of your friends has the coolest name?
I like Prestons’ name. And Shelbys’.
147. What's the last thing you built?I put together a shelf-y thingy that goes over the toilet. Our bathroom is the size of my elbow, so we needed something in there to put things on.
146. What's the oddest smell you like?Uhh…. I don’t know? Occasionally gasoline. I’m not crazy about it, but if I spill it on my fingers, I tend to repeatedly smell them. Lol.
145. What was the last package you received?I got some stuff from Old Navy and the Gap today. Yay.
144. Have you ever opened someone else's mail?Not that I know of..Well…wait..I think I got a x-mas card sent to my house one year a few years ago. I was broke….You do the math. There was no money. L. I tend to just throw away mail if it’s the wrong address.
143. Have you ever sent someone a message or note that said "143"?What does that even mean? No..No I haven’t.::
I Believe In:::142. Love at first sight:Nope. It’s lust. Love takes time. A lot of it.
141. Good Luck:I believe it exists. Though, not so much for me.
140. Fate:This one is tricky. I believe there are some things that are pre-determined. I also believe you can change things… So..who fuckin knows.
139. Yourself:I know that I exist. But, I don’t have faith in myself. I tend to fuck things up.
138. Aliens:Ehhh…I don’t think about it much. It’s silly to think we’re the only ones. But it’s silly to think there’s one eyed guys with special powers and shit living on some planet 3 galaxies from here.
137. Heaven
I do believe in some sort of “perfect place” kinda ideal…where the good hearted people go. I don’t know if it’s one specific place…or, if everyone kinda has their own.. It’s a toughy.
136. Hell:Kinda part of the package deal of believing in heaven. The problem lies in….what makes you a bad enough, or good enough person to end up in either place.
135. Ghosts:I do believe in ghosts. And, they do scare the living shit out of me.
134. Horoscopes:I believe that when you were born does affect some of your personality traits. That’s about it.
133. Soul mates:I don’t think there is that ONE person that you’re destined to be with…no.:::
Which is Better:::132. Cat or Dog?I’m an equal opportunity pet lover.
131. Hotmail or Hot Males?hahaha. I do appreciate a hot male.
130. This or That?The other.
129. Hugs or Kisses:I like hugs. But I like kissing more.

128. Fire or Ice?Uh…I don’t prefer one over the other.
127. Phone or Online:Online. I’m an internet junkie for sure.
126. Chicks or Pups?wtf?
125. Blondes or Brunettes:Im not really into the blonde thing. It’s so …predicatable.
124. Hot or cold:I’d rather be a little cold, than a little hot.
123. Summer or winter:I’d rather be a little cold, than a little hot.
122. Fall or Spring:Fall. Theres too much rain in the spring, and that’s bad for the bottoms of mah jeans.
121. Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla.
120. Night or Day:Night. Sunlight is not cool.
119. Oranges or Apples:Apples. They’re tasty.
118. Curly or Straight hair?
It’s not really an issue either way.
117. How many showers do you take a day?
Typically one. But, two happens quite often.

Thoughts on...116. Abortion:I’m against abortion as a form of birth control. There are exceptions for health concerns, and certain situations. But, don’t be irresponsible, not wrap it up, then think you should be able to coat hanger an unborn baby just because you aren’t ready for kids. It’s a risk you take. Kinda like herpes.
115. Backstabbers:Everyone does it at some point. It’s a dog eat dog world.
114. Have you ever had any unusual food?Nope. I’m a picky eater.
113. Seen a grown man naked?Many –a-time.
112. Heard the wolf cry to a blue corn moon?
I’m not in Nebraska.
111. ...or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?If I see a bobcat..I doubt we’ll be talking much. Or grinning.
110. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains??Sure. *smokes more crack*
109. Sorry. Ok, have you ever eaten a live insect?Not to my knowledge. But it seems likely that it’s occurred at some point.
108. Tried to drink a gallon of milk?No, I have better things to do. Like eating whole tubs of butter. Guzzing containers of syrup. Milk is so 2006.
107. Did you regret that?
I regret your mom.
106. Fired an automatic weapon?Never have. Prolly never will.

105. aswnerd an queston that lookked lyk dis?I have now.
104. Contemplated suicide during the taking of this quiz?Not so much.
103. Nailed a hot board?Uhm…I don’t think I get it. I’d like to get nailed. I’m horny.
102. Piled into a bed with 4 of your closest friends?Yeah. It’s happened.
101. Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile:I seen one of my sisters last night.
100. Cried in front of someone:I cry a lot. It’s what I do.:::Friends:::

99. Do you think any of your friends are still reading this?I’m not so sure I have any friends left. Just strangers in the night.(Sinatra is playing)
98. Which of your friends have passed out in your front or back yard?None as of yet. But I won’t rule it out in the future.
97. Which one of your friends have you known the longest?Dj Tommie. And Hankee.
96. Have any of your friends ever made art of/for you?I have a Tori drawing from Jaymes. A Chinese painting from Jaymes. A happy gay lion from Sharon. And two random paintings from Chris S. <3
95. What is the next event you are looking forward to with your friends?Front row tickets to the Lion King baby.
94. Name a song, and a friend it makes you think of?Candlelight by Imogen Heap. It makes me think of two friends actually. Angie and Ashley.
93. Find something nearby that a friend has given you and tell us about it:I see the entire “Muse” collection. Richard burnt it all for me. I loves me some Richard. And some Muse.
92. Who's the last friend (non sig-other/hookup) to sleep in your bed?Grant.
91. Any friend you haven't seen in a while?
I never see any of my friends. *sad face*
90. Who is the ditziest person you know:Grant. By far.
89. Who makes you laugh the most:I make myself laugh more than anyone else does. But T-Pussy makes me laugh. So does P-Ton.
88. Who makes you laugh the least?
Shiny pants. He irritates me.

:::Movies:::87. The last movie I saw:
Uh…Stardust. It was weird.
86. Worst movie you've seen that other people like?Dancer in the Dark. I hated that shit.
85. Best movie for making out to?Eh…anytime is a good time when it comes to making out/fornication.
84. Worst turnout in a theater?Do I look like ebert and roper? Wtf?
83. Last movie you recommended someone not see?The Golden Compass. Not because it wasn’t good. (it was a like a B) but, because I don’t think a lot of people are aware that it’s a trilogy. No closure. Ugh.
:::Random:::82. What I don't understand is:the makings of myself.
81. What was the last thing you said to your significant other/crush?
It probably wasn’t nice. We were fighting. *sad face*
80. Where were you on September 11th?I was having early morning fornications. I got up, opened the door, and Sharon was on the other side crying. Saying that World War III had just started. … lol.

Did you answer as if I was asking about 2001?Well…yeah.
78. What is 120894-8422? No calculators...112472 (no calculator) (but…I didn’t do the math…I just kept Devins answer there. I cheat)
77. I have never eaten :?.
My own head.
76. Something I always really miss is:Feeling like I fit in with a special group of friends. I’m kinda…without that now.
75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most:Making an impact. Somehow. To someone.
74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is:Going back to my old work schedule. I’ll be broke again. *sad face*

73. Tomorrow:is Friday. And I work.
72. Today:
Is Thursday. And I work.
71. Next Summer:is next summer. And I’m sure I’ll hafta work at some point.
70. Next Weekend:Is Phillips birthday.
69. Next Year:Ugh…this is getting aggravating.
68. Last year:*middle finger*
67. People call me:a lot of things. They’re rarely compliments.
66. Pick something in the room with you and tell the story behind it:My wallet. It’s on the desk. I originally bought It for this boy I was seeing. I ended it, and kept it wrapped for like a year. Finally, my wallet was coming apart, and I was like..fuck it. Merry X-Mas to me.
65. What's the closest patriotic item to you?Prestons’ Air Force One model plane.
64. What are your views on dandruff?It’s kinda weird. I’ve never had to deal with it.
63. Are you scared of clowns?I’m not scared of them. Nor do they bring me joy.
62. Do you know anyone that says "are you ascared?"?Not that I can think of. I’m sure someone does.
61. What about "I'm just sayin'?"I say that. So does Preston.
60. The most difficult thing to do is:Trust people, after you’ve been dicked over.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket:I’ve had a few.
58. Do you have any bad tattoos?I don’t have any. I’d like one though.
57. What's the nicest hotel you have ever stayed in?I don’t think I’ve ever really stayed in a nice one. The one in Chicago when I had my audition with the Big Brother people was probably the best thus far.
56. Ever seen a car accident?Nope. Been in a few. Minor ones though. *thanks the lawd*
55. The first person i talked to today was:Aaron. He called to tell me might be moving back. He lives in Boston now. It’s been foreeeever.
54. First time you had a crush:My first boy crush was one of my aunts’ husbands. She told a story when they were fighting, how he liked her to stick things in his butt. I was like “eww that’s gross”, but thinking..”hmm…we need to hang out”.

53. The one person who i can't hide things from:I don’t hide things. I’m a pretty open person. I mean, to an extent.
52. Last time someone said something you were thinking:People don’t usually say what I’m thinking. I’m meaner than most.
51. What is the last thing you framed?Oh god…I can’t even think of anything. Probably a picture of Fiona Apple or something.
50. What is your dream job?
I already write. I just want to get paid for it someday.
49. First real job?I worked in my dads’ drywall company for four years. I was butch.
48. I have/will get a job:I have one. They just don’t give the hours they should. It’s not who ya know, it’s who ya blow. And I’m not blowing anyone. (well..im blowin someone…but not from work)4
7. I have these pets:Paco, (my Chihuahua) Special Shoutouts to “mousie”, “Grrrraham”, and Leo-nardo

46. I wish:life didn’t involve so much struggle.

45. The worst sound in the world:This guy that comes to the bar. They call him Mickey Mouse. He’s older, fat, and talks in this high pitch. Then he gets wasted, and occasionally you’ll hear his real voice, and yer like..”wtf….thats WAY less irritating”.
44. The person that makes me cry the most is:Myself. I get thinking…and then I beat myself up mentally. I’m a mess sometimes.
43. Best sound in the world:”I love you”.
42. What do you think about the gays?They’re alright. The real question is, How many jews can fit in an oven.
41. Do you like video games?I’m one of those people that play video games for that long, storyline. Give me some Final Fantasy, and I’m happy.

40. If you are drinking something currently, what are you drinking it from?Smart Water. From the bottle. (it doesn’t make you smarter)
39. Something that makes you happy:Celery.
38. What's the last thing to startle you?I was sleeping the other day…and woke up because of this loud bang. I look around, and bam….the closet rod fell down…all our clothes..on the floor. Blah. Scared the shit outta me.
37. Anything amusing nearby?No, not really.
36. How do you like sneezes?I can’t say that I enjoy them. They’re kinda weird.
35. Florida or Hawaii:I’d prefer to drown, rather than to die from volcanic ash.
34. What are your views on the war It’s a “who has the bigger dick” contest. I don’t know who does, but I know we have the bigger asshole.
33. My favorite piece of clothing:I don’t have one. I like a lot of my clothes.
32. You're surrounded by aborigines, what would you like to have handy?um…I guess that depends on what they’re surrounding me for. Are they gonna hurt me, or worship me.
31. Last time I cried:Was last night. Twice. For completely unrelated reasons.
30. My friends are:pretty distant right now.
29. My computer is:I use Prestons.
28. The school I go to is:Where I met your motha.
27. Last person I got mad at is:Preston. Lol.
26. Boring questions are:quite frequent in this survey.
25. How many times have you thought about giving up?I’ve given it up a lot. Er..oh, the survey? A few. But I’m no quitter.
24. Croutons?I don’t need them, but I’ll eat em if they’re there.

23. What is an albatross? Answer in a rhyme, don't copy the person before you
This makes me want to cut out my eyeballs and throw them down the hallway.
So totally gay.
22.The all-time best movie is:American Beauty.
21. The all-time best feeling in the world is:The moment you orgasm.
20. The all-time greatest failure is?not believing in yourself.
19. What are you immediate plans following this questionnaire?I’ll be getting in the shower for work.
18. Do you know anyone born on the 18th of any month?A few. Indeed.
17. I lose all respect for people who:Lie.
16. The movie I cried at was:I cry at everything.
15. Have you seen any good bumper stickers lately?No. I don’t really pay attention to that much.
14. TV channels you watch:Bravo. The locals. MTV. Sci-Fi (cuz of P-ton)
13. Favorite web site:myspace. I refresh about every 3 minutes.
12. I like/love:I like feeling loved.
11. The worst pain I was ever in was:When I cracked a rib. Recovered for two weeks (it wasn’t easy) then,…immediately cracked the other side.
10. My favorite word isDouchewaffle.
9. My room is:too small. I can’t wait til we get a bigger place.
8. My favorite celebrity is:Fiona Apple. And..I reeeally love Amy Poehler. And Tina Fey.
7. Are there any phrases you'd like to use more often?
Fuck me.
6. Now that you're almost done, how long has this taken you?Three different days. I got shit to do.
5. My weakness is:a sad story.
4. What I like/first notice about the opposite sex is?If they’re pretty.
3. Who broke your heart:
That’s a tit-for-tat kinda game. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt. It happens.
2. One thing that makes you feel great is:having sex. I’m addicted. It’s a good time. Get offa me. Or…in me. Something. Hahahaha.
1. The one person that you wish you could see right now:I miss my grandmother with every single day. She invented unconditional love. I miss her.