A Change Gon' Come.

In my past, I was one of those people who said and did things that I believed proved that I was a person of my word, and that I would always stand up for myself. I wouldn't let people do or say things that (from my perspective) made me look like a fool, or embarrassed me.
Often times, my actions went without concern for whether or not the people closest to me, would have to deal with the ramifications of those actions.

Alot of times, both now and before...I say or do things that often seem valid, or necessary to my own personal being....without taking into consideration how others will view the people near and dear to me, after my decision is irreversible.

Two things I was known best for, was saying "im bored" or "I hate my life".

Often times, I was bored. And...I still often struggle with the proper ways to feel that my life is of substantial meaning. But, by doing so, the people around me, whom I shared my ups and downs with....were left to question whether it was their fault. Whether it was their failures...and if something they were doing, or not doing were the cause..or the even the effect.
I never fully grasped the damage that these things do to a persons psyche until long after anything was left to salvage.

I spent a long time, after "the" breakup trying to figure out who I was. What I wanted, What was going to make me happy. Unfortunately, shortly after the search began...I find myself only searching at the bottom of a bottle.
And, for longer than I'm proud, I had a very severe drinking problem.
People might say "oh you didnt drink everyday" or "you didnt drink at home".
And, the fact is I never had one of those life altering drunk moments where I had to choose between life and death, or anything like that.
I mentioned that "I have a drinking problem" and people looked at me like.."you're 22(23, 24) ...you're supposed to be this way".
The fact was...I drank to escape my problems.
I'm the kind of person that, cracks under pressure. Mostly that which is placed upon me by myself.
Maybe it's because I have this underlying issue...that reminds me that everything I do is the wrong thing to do. Every decision is bad. Every mistake is the end of the world.

I stopped drinking, for an extended period of time. And, a bit of clarity came to me.
When something is bothering you, deal with it. Don't bury it.
It will undoubtedly become unburied as soon as you have your 13th shot of Jose Cuervo. And, by the time it's all said and done, You're crying over things that have no bearing on anything that you're currently dealing with.

When I get sad, or angry. Or even slightly irked, one of my initial feelings is "god..I need a drink". Maybe I feel like I need the liquid courage, because I have some underlying issue of handling my problems on my own. Without the help of anyone.

It's something that I'd like to change completely...not just half way. Or, 1/4th or whatever percentage it might actually be.

...
Things are difficult for me right now. I've been feeling incredibly down on myself. And when you feel down on yourself, you feel down on everything. Everyone. Every little thing I do that doesn't work out perfectly, I tear myself down about.
My inner turmoil needs some work.
I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been able to write, and maybe my outlet being plugged up is creating some kind of overflow into everything, or what.

I take things so hard, and personal even when I know they aren't intended to be so. And it gets to be a bit hard to handle.

The other night I was drunk. And fighting with my signif (im creating a new word here....use it) and after it was done..I sat there for awhile...silent. After a few minutes, I unleashed this behemoth array of complete.....emotional breakdown.
I prayed for things to happen to myself, that..people get locked up for. (lol)

When I awoke the next day I felt ashamed of myself. Noone had heard my pleads, other than myself and God, or..whoever you believe in. But, all I could think of is the people that I love. And, while incredibly ridiculous to have even done, drunken or not....How is that kind of request fair to anyone?
Especially when it's not what I want.

I want to make the decision to stop drinking. But, I also know that I work in a bar. That's near impossible. And, I don't want to be that guy that makes a promise to himself, and breaks it. Again.
I don't want to feel like I've failed people, or myself. I don't wanna feel like, once again..I can't do the things I say I can.
So it's a difficult spot.

I guess I just want to advise people of this.

Always, try to think of someone else in your decisions. Nothing that one single person does, only affects that one single person.
Every single thing you do, every single thing you say, in some way, shape or form....affects another person. I've been on both ends, and it's just as bad to know that something you've said or done has hurt someone, as it is to be the one that gets hurt.

And that goes for the moments that you're with people...and the ones when you're alone.
As much as people say "its my life" or "i gotta look out for me"....the truth is...it's not just your life.
It's not just mine.
It's not just that crazy peeping tom guy across the street that you're convinced masterbates into his own daughters' underwears' life.

This kinda went a little further than I intended... but the point is simple.

If you say "im bored" . Someone next to you might think "oh god..im boring". If you say "i hate my life"..someone next to you might think "god..im ruining his/her life"
It's all connected. Everyones' insecurites, to everyones' imperfections.

I know, that personally I have alot of things that I need to change, to give not only myself, but the people I love and care about a better chance to live the best life possible.

I think it all starts with ...thinking about other people...just a liiiiiiiiittle bit more than we, as people...do.

(Sorry for the weird, pro-being nice to people thing...I'm not feeling mean and hateful today)

(With that, I want to end by saying..I have someone who is leaving nasty hateful comments on my blog. It's happened before...I'm dealing with it again. Instead of combating it like I normally would, I'm going to take a different approach. Part of me wanting a better life, includes me being a better person...filled with something other than anger and rage.)
(With that said.....Fuck you. To whoever it is.)
*smooches*