Scarecrows Dressed in the Latest Styles.

I've spent alot of time today thinking. Mostly thinking about this exact blog. What to say, how to say it. I've come up with no satisfying conclusion. So here it all goes. The best, the worst, and all in between.

At the final night of bowling on Tuesday, one of the girls on the league approached me. She's someone that's always come across as nice, but never as someone that would typically seem interested in talking to me.
I was cramming some sort of asian salad thingy down my throat, when she walked up..leaned into me and said "I just want to say I read every one of your blogs and I have to say you are a very good writer. You're very insightful"
It's moments like those, that cause a commotion in my mind. It sometimes makes me feel strange that people I don't know read my blog, let alone take any sort of positive influence from it. Often times it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable when people mention my blog, if only because I'm able to put things in words on the internet, that I probably couldn't voice to very many people in person, if any.
And at the same time, it makes me feel very good. A part of putting your heart and soul online, is having the knowledge that somewhere, someone is listening to you. Someone understands, and if not, they at least try to. As someone who has only really ever wanted to be someone who inspires people in the world with the things they write...it's a feeling that I can't describe. It's some sort of validation that...if one person sees it as something inspiring, or thought provoking, touching, life altering, or just something to keep their mind off their own maladies...then perhaps my ideas of wanting to make a name for myself in this field aren't completely ridiculous.
I doubt myself alot. In every area of my life really. But my writing is something that sparks something inside of me. Like a musician and their instrument. A painter to their easel. I have the words that come from inside of me. And, being as my education is limited, I fear that my lack of understanding for vocabulary, parts of speech, proper punctuaion, and things of that nature are often times disparaging.
I think that maybe that lack of education will ultimately cost me my goals and dreams. Though, on the other side of that coin, is the fact that I also believe in some weird way that the things that I lack, are in some strange way my biggest asset. I don't have the fancy words, and the knowledge of the best way to word a sentence, and where to insert a comma or a semi colon. But I do realize that I have an interesting way of saying how I feel.
And that's simply that I...say it.
I've never been one to hold back how I feel. Which, some could argue is just as much a positive as it is a negative.

If you're anyone who reads my banter on a regular basis you know that I've been dealing with someone who has been attacking me and my other half, through anonymous messages on my blog. I've gone through the decision making process as to whether or not to moderate my comments, and not allow him to post without first being approved. Initially, I looked at it like I didn't want this person to think that what he was saying was actually affecting me. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that...Yeah. His onslaughts actually do hurt my feelings.
I said, fuck it. I'll let him post his bullshit, let people read it, and anyone with any sort of common sense can see that this person is an ignorant son of a cunt.
That decision has since been altered.
The attacks have grown ugly, and while there is some glimmer of truth to some of the things he's said...he puts a spin on them that makes them look like something they're not. Or, at least something I don't want to believe thet are.
Being someone who, tends to tell people exactly what he thinks, without regard to their feelings...I've faced this before. People tend to get upset when you offend them. And, often times they want to recieve vindication.
Whether these comments are meant as payback, or simply an act of anger or jealousy, or whatever other emotion, I can only speculate. But, I'm not going to use my place for thoughts and feelings as a battleground for some idiotic person to belittle me. I can't argue inbetween comments on my blog, whether or not this person is going to sleep with my boyfriend, or do this, or do that, or whatever other threats he's used. These things are out of my control. Certainly, me sayin "thats not going to happen" isn't going to ensure that it's not. Just as his words of "yes it will", don't mean that it will.
It becomes a game who has more confidence in what they think the outcome will be. And, I really have no choice but to believe in myself, and let other peoples' decisions stand for themselves.

I know, that this blog will probably lead to more comments. Unfortunately for those reading that want to remain abreast of the situation...his comments will no longer be posted publicly. Though, I'm sure they'll continue for awhile.

One thing that I will admit to, is how much some of the things bother me. I can handle attacks on myself, and I can deal with attacks on the person I'm in love with. However, the attacks on the grandmother thing, kind of hit me in a soft spot. My own personal, kryptonite type of thing.

At any rate. I'll conceed that this person has gotten under my skin, and forced me to make adjustments so that it doesn't continue to get uglier in a public forum. Being someone who is often too proud, and always in constant fear of someone besting him...it kinda makes me fell down on myself.
A sort of..ah..I even fail at one of the things I'm good at, which is argueing with people. I guess for this one, the other person is just more prepared for the "pulling through the dirt" process.
I'll suck it up, and admit that there's no way to win this one. I have been bettered.
Though, theres that other side of me that says... this makes me the victor. I'm not playing the games I once would. However, theres the OTHER side that wonders if I'm not playing the game because I'm equipped with the ammunition needed.
At any rate, I know who the person is. He's a douchebag. (clearly) and hopefully he accidently blows himself up and is eaten by some sort of rabid camel in Iraq. (best case scenario..its videotaped and put on youtube for my viewing pleasure)

With all that said. I've been getting alot of ideas randomly popping up in my head in regards to things to write about. I feel a surge of creativity coming, and that makes me extremely happy. Especially in this time where I feel so down on myself. Granted, I'm the type of person who is always down on myself, lately it's just been worse.
I feel sort of....undesirable. I know that I'm with someone who loves me, and all that...but I just am so overly critical that I feed on all of my own insecurities and I eat myself alive over them. I don't really feel, special or attractive, or anything.
Sort of like I'm just kinda here. In the way. Taking up space.
It can be said that noone can make you feel good about yourself, if you dont feel good about yourself first. Though, it can also be argued that the two work collectively.
With the complete state of array almost every aspect of my life seems to be in...I just want to stop for a few moments, and be reassured that I'm not the creator of all things wrong and hate-filled in the world. I'd like to be shown that I am capable of bringing a smile to someones face. Inspiring someone to be something great. Able to be enough for someone. I want proof that the prospect of being happy is something I have the ability to achieve. Sometimes I think the people around us, that need to help boost us up, often forget that lives are intertwined.
Thank people. Apologize. Be humble. Show love. Care. Consider others. And most importantly hold on to people that need a little more. You'd be surprised how much a little bit of help along the way can help someone.
Noone wants to feel unimportant. Just think about it. Everyone. Pay someone a compliment. It can make a difference in someones' day in ways you'd never really think imaginable.

*nod*