Hakuna Matata.

Last weekend, P-ton and I went to see the Lion King at the Stranahan Theatre. I ordered front row tickets a few weeks prior, and the day finally came. Being someone who is obsessed with lions (I'm not sure why) I've been dying to see the show.
One particular scene, during the Hakuna Matata song intro, theres a line that says
"you gotta put your past in your behind" Which is an askewed version of what the next line is "No...you gotta put your past, behind you".

It's something thats stuck in my head ever since. And, while getting over my past is an area worthy of some addressing for some time now, something about the show, left me feeling this sort of...urgency to do so.

A week or two prior to the show, I took a step towards that, by cleaning out some stuff I've been hanging onto for too long.

Having always been one of those people that saves random stupid things, so I can look back and remember the little things that made me happy....I had alot of stupid things stored. Random letters and objects that remind me of different people and events that I experienced.

I found myself really emotional while throwing them away. Only because I realized just how much everything changes. Years ago, I thought I knew everything. I thought that the way things were, the people I surrounded myself with....were going to be there forever.
Cleaning things out that no longer mean what they used to, bothered me...because....the feelings that I had for people and ideas are gone. And, it's a strange feeling.

I've been thinking alot about family lately. I'm getting older, and I often times feel all alone in the world. Very few people call to ask how I am. And, sometimes it feels like that means that noone cares. (and..with this said..I am a HORRIBLE phone person...so even if they did call....I might not answer)
I've spent my entire adult life, trying to convince myself that family isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be.
But, I guess that, I've only been doing that, because I've lacked that for so long. And, who wants to be okay with not having something that most people need.
I'm about to be 26 years old.
I lost the most important person to me, my grandmother when I was 12. My grandfather whom placed me on a pedestal, died when I was 20, basically having grown to hate me, because of my sexual preferance.
I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 9 years. And my father has been in jail since 2002. I've visited him once, and while he writes at least every two weeks...I haven't written him in over a year.
For as long as I can remember, I've placed all my eggs in one basket.
I've either clung to one lover, or one friend....forever.
And in doing so.....you find just how empty you feel. You start thinking....What happens if this person is no longer there.
You realize how quickly you could find yourself all alone.
It's funny how your greatest fear haunts you. It circles you. It engulfs your mind.
Or..maybe just mine.

In my almighty quest to live as a person who speaks my mind, and stands up for my ideas and beliefs..I've found that I've alienated anyone I've ever known.
Not to say that it's been entirely my doing...

I can't even begin to put into words a proper analysis of my psyche. I can simply say...
I'm a mess. A fucking disaster. lol.
I've just got so many things I need to do, and undo. Do over.
And all I ever want to do is give up.
I give up before I start.
Because I worry too much. I worry about everything. EVERY single thing.
I come across as this person who doesn't really care about much. "ehh.. fuck it".
But its just a facade.
I worry.

And I gotta stop worrying and second guessing everything. And, just start being, without fear. Fear of life, and death and failure. Defeat. Loss.
I need confidence. I just can't seem to figure out how one achieves that.

Hakuna Matata. (It means no worries)