Je Suis Cassée

First I want to say a big "Fuck you" to everyone who reads this, that didn't leave me a comment with what I asked in my last blog. Audience participation was required, and you bitches left me standing high and dry. So, you can all lick me where I pee, then fuck yourself.
(Janice is the exception. At least soooooomeone cared)

With that said...my life is crazy right now.

I'm gonna bite my tongue for now, but expect a work related blog sometime in the near future. Shit is hitting the fan and it's flying in several different directions. But, as I said...Tongue is bitten for now.

I've been trying to be different lately. I've been less cynical and have given my best efforts towards trying to look at things with a positive outlook as opposed to the negative expectations I usually exhale. And while I've had some moments lately that I've felt are better than usual...I've also secretly broken down and cried like a punk bitch quite a few times, for little to no reason at all.

I have this void in my life. And it all circles around goals and aspirations. Lately I've felt strongly in the idea that...it's nearing time that I stop living life as one of those people that just waits for the world to fall into my fingertips.

I turn twenty-six on May 4th. And, while birthdays have never really affected me much...this one is big for me and I'm not sure why.

I'm not old, yet..I feel old. I feel washed up. Over.
I think alot of this could have alot to do with the fact that I'm extremely unhappy with the way I look. I've always been critical of this, but lately it's been a stronger feeling of just...BLAH.

I don't feel like I'm ...really attractive at all.
I don't feel like anyone looks at me with a "he's so cute" kind of feeling.
And...that's something that I like feeling.

I don't feel.....wanted. In any form of the word.
Maybe someone reading this will think "oh geeze...what's his deal now"..And I honestly wish I knew.

I guess I just feel like I spend so much time tearing myself down, it'd be nice to be built up occasionally.
I'm not the emotional brick wall I might come across as....and I really need feel more special.

I realize that the biggest thing standing in my way is my own critique. My own self worth, etc.etc.
I dunno.
I guess I shouldn't even be writing when I feel like this. Nothing comes out but a "poor me" routine. And I don't like being that guy, regardless of how often I appear to be.

I guess I just feel worthless alot. To myself, and the people around me.
When work takes a shit on me, I feel down. Like, god...what do I have to do to prove myself to this place. I sell my soul there, and it seems that when it comes to respect and fairness...I get nothing in return. And it makes me feel sad.
I feel like noone ever takes the time to just tell me that I'm important. Or that I matter. And, if that time is taken I feel like it's only because I've cried out for it.
I don't understand what it is about myself that just...falls flat of expectations.

*shrug*

I just don't know how to win people over or something.
I feel like a constant burden to everyone.

And I wish that someday, things will change and I'll know that I matter. To know that work wants and needs me. That people want and need me.
That I'm special. Or attractive. Or beautiful in some way. Any way. At all.

Because without that...it's a very dark and lonely life.

Everyone says "you have to love yourself first".
And..I hate when I hear that.
How does one go about loving thyself, when they feel completely disposable to the world around them?