Split Personalities.

Over the last few days I've spent quite a bit of time staring at my blog, and trying to make sense out of everything thats been going on, both in my mind, and in my life.
It's been a pretty crazy time for me lately, though I've made pretty good attempts at trying to make thebest of things, and keeping myself focused on the positive things.

Sure, with everything I've been kinda down, but truth be told, even when im up, im down. I guess I'm just that kinda person. I always find faults in things. I always find the mistakes. I guess it's just easier for me to focus on the negatives than the postives.

I've struggled with finding exactly what I want to write. It being the holidays, and me finding myself in a position where everyone around me seems to have someone, I've kinda felt like the odd man out. Which, again is nothing new. Even when I'm right smack in the middle of things, all evened out and fitting in, I kinda always feel like the outsider. It's just a debacle I have with myself. Insecurites, and blah blah blah.

The holidays are usually extremely hard on me. This year, seemed alot easier because I decided to cook a christmas dinner and invite some friends over.
I've never been known as much of a cook, but I've definitely changed alot, and...after cooking a dinner for 9 people, and it going amazing..I've realized that I'm capable of surprising myself.
The food was amazing, everything was made from scratch, and I mad ethe best of a holiday that usually leaves me feeling kinda depressed.
It was the best Christmas I've had in quite a few years, and I accomplished something that while seemingly silly to most, made me feel good about myself.
I'm capable of succeeding at things, even if they are something as stupid as making Christmas dinner for your friends.

With that said, .Times are interesting. I'm dealing with a few issues related to my last break up, and both of my closest friends suddenly find themselves in relationships.
I'm not used to being the guy that's single while the closest people to me are in relationships, so it makes me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't like to feel like a third wheel. I don't like to feel like I'm making them alter their plans so they can include me.
I don't like being a burden.
However, I do often place myself in a role that competes for that description...it's not something i enojoy, as much as it becomes a circumstance where I try too hard to not be that, that...thats exactly what I become.
I'm chugging along, and trying my best to adapt to what happens around me. New territory is new territory, and..it's difficult sometimes to make those adaptations. ..All in all, I'm doing a fair job. Instead of making a big deal over something that hurts my feelings or makes me feel threatened or inadequate, I've decided to just let it go. Suck it up, move past it, and make personal adjustements to avoid the same occurance in the future.
Sometimes, I find myself laughing hysterically at the situations I find myself in, I'm convinced that noone else in the world can be even half as good as I am, and placing myself in a bad, awkward, or inappropriate situation.
As time passes I find myself more and more a stranger. I'm not sure if that's bad or good, or whether those things can even really be measured. I know that I'm nothing like I used to be. I've gone through so much, I've changed so much.
And, even if noone sees it, or noone cares. I'm a different person. And, I'm both extremely proud and extremely ashamed.
I feel like I've changed both the best, and the worst parts of me, and in turn have created new best and worst parts.
I'm both ugly and beautiful.

I have faith in myself. I'm not used to that. I, actually believe that with the proper focus I can be one of those people that succeed. I can be that guy that proves people wrong. I am that guy that proves himself wrong.
And, with that confidence also comes doubt.

I struggled to write a blog for the last few days, and after reading a blog an ex wrote, I suddenly felt inspired.
He wrote about missing people from his past. Respecting people, forgiving people. Missing them.

And it kinda clicked with things I've been feeling.
The places that I've worked, the lifestlye I've led..I've met alot of amazing people. Alot of bastardfaces too. but, alot of people have left a lasting impression on me.
Alot of people have mae me into the person I am.
Maybe theres those people that think that's not a thing to be impressed with. And, to those people I'd sa that you don't really know me.
I'm grateful for so much. And, at that same time, regretful for so much.
I certainly have made alot of mistakes.

I guess with everything that I've endured, I've taken a very...overpowering stance.
Too much pride, and too many strong feelings.
For a very long time I've let kindness take a backseat, and have let arrogance, or attitude take control.
Anger, or some other emo-type emotion.
After reading the blog, which I'm sure had nothing to do with me,...I felt inspired to tell people that I've neglected how I feel.
I felt like telling the people that I love, or have loved...that they matter. Even if my love is different....they matter.
I felt like telling everyone that's ever been my friend, current or not...thank you. Thank you for being there when you were...And...thank you for not, because it has helped me too.

I felt like saying I love you, to all of those people that have given me hope. All of those people that have helped me, or needed my help.
I felt likegiving the world one giant hug, because I spend so much of my time giving the word one giant middle finger, that I forget that it's not all shit.

And, then I read some comments that people lefton the blog.
And I got angry. I immediately took offense, and got angry with someone for blatantly attacking me personally on my ex's blog. (though..im not full sure its me he was targeting....im pretty positive)
And..my initial reaction was to lash out. Leave a nasty comment. Write a blog unleashing an arsenal. And, then I realized that, that would be what's expected of me. That would be, who I've been before.
And, while parts of that guy linger....I'm not that same person. I don't need to react in those same ways.
I don't feed off the same counterattacks that I used to.

And I won't let myself get involved in a debacle with someone who is so clearly needing to feed off of the same negativities that I once did.

Now, thats not to say that I'm not angry. Because I'm enraged.
But, I don't need to salvage my self respect through anyone elses' opinions. Not anymore.

I will,however say this.
When you are in such a position, that you do not have enough balls to say how you feel about someone to their face when given the opportunity...and less than 24 hours later write hateful, spiteful things on their ex boyfriends blog about them....You should probably stop evaluating their life, and their emotional handicaps, and turn the focus onto your own life.
I could list plenty of things about this person, with the sole purpose of pissing them off in return, or tring to embarrass them, or make them feel insecure or upset that someone feels a certain way about them, but I don't have any need to do so. The fact that you've let your feelings get to the point that you had to get so nasty, and....on someone elses' blog...proves your weight in the world.
Good luck chasing your own demons.

And...I will be speaking to you in person. Because if there is anything I hate, it's a two faced, fucking bitch.
Say it to my face, or shut the fuck up. It's just the right thing to do.
I'll even hold your fucking head up off of the bar so you can speak the words.
That is, if you can get it out of B's ass.


I don't expect everyone to like me....Cause lord knows I dislike alot of people.
I do however expect people to have balls. Especially if their gonna stand on a soapbox and act like someone else is being the drama queen.

And that, is how I feel. I don't wanna be the guy I've been before.

But, the old me, the one that is trying his best to be a better person, and not be a hateful fucking cunt, has this to say....
Craig, can lick my fucking nuts. Then, hopefully die in a fiery crash.
While yer loading that gun, please...do me a personal favor (since you owe me that much for a) lying to me, b) lying about me c)lying to me about your friends then lying to your friends about lying to me and d) being a general douchewad in general,...and turn the fucking thing on yourself.


Unlike him, I have no problem mentioning his name, or saying it to his face.

That's how I roll....You can call me a bitch, but at least I'm upfront, honest, and dont hide anything I have to say.
Mother fucker.

lol.

Gnite!

Going down?

Have you ever felt completely devoured by the world?

Like everything that makes you who you are, the things you do, the things you've done, your thoughts, your decisions, ....every single thing that when placed together, is who you are.....has been chewed up and completely digested by the world around you.

I've been in this constant, yo-yo type place in my life. Up and down, up and down. It's gone back and forth so rapidly that sometimes I can't even tell if I'm up or I'm down.
It's sort of like when you're riding on this long ass escalator. That awkward feeling you get when you take your first step off. Your footing is all mixed up for just a brief second and everything almost feels unfamiliar.Then, things resume to the same old routine.
That brief second, is what my life feels like most of the time.
Infact, comparing my life to an escalator is really quite fitting. I sit through a long, uneventful ride awaiting my arrival at whatever particular place, idea, or feeling I'm trying to get to.
Not really in control, just floating along waiting to get there. Then the minute that it's up to me to move forward from there....I think I panic, and immediately head for the escalator back down.

I've found that my life isn't all bad. I have alot of fun. I've found that the only time this fun really comes is when I'm not at home. When I'm not thinking. And with that usually comes being out and drinking. I'm probably reaching a point in my life where I've never drank so much.
It brings you instant gratification, and a momentary lapse when it comes to your feelings. I haven't really devoted the proper amount of time towards ironing out my feelings, so....anything that really gives me the opportunity to avoid them, is something I search out.
Unfortunately the downside to that, is while drinking can help you feel alot better, it also helps you feel alot worse. Thus, the yo-yo effect.
Maybe it's less of a yo-yo and more of a ping pong table. Constantly getting smacked back and forth. Side to side. Happy to sad. Blah to blah.

Aside from all that, I've been having all these questions about the people around me. A few people have left me feeling really taken advantage of. Sometimes people get so used to certain things that they forget that these things are actually not requirements. they forget to say thank you, or they forget to appreciate the things you do, the steps you make, the risks you take.
I've found thatI have very few friendships where there's an equal amount of give and take.
That is an important quality in a friendship. And, its making me step back and really evaluate people.

Financially, I'm in a tight spot. Im broke. Everything I earn goes out the door as fast, if not faster than I get it. I find myself sliding further and further downward, and it too starts to make an impact on how you feel.
I think mostly that my plate just seems so full. My shoulders so heavy. Very little to build me up, and far too much dragging me down.
I'm worrying about so many different things that I'm always completely stressed out. So much so that it's hard to find the time to enjoy things.
Making matters worse is that it seems like things keep getting better for all the people around me, and the changes I find, aren't for the better.
I can't agree more with the phrase "misery loves company".

Its an interesting time for me, because my courses of realization, and action are so far apart. I've been so unable to pull myself out of this mess for so long...yet I've known I need to for even longer.

I wish I had more answers and less questions. I think that somewhere underneath everything I actually do have them, I just havent found the right ways to incorporate them. Maybe I haven't hit that life altering moment that becomes my make or break moment. Though, while timidly awaiting it, I can't help but wonder which one will overtake me.
I'm not sure I believe in the "make" as much as I believe in the "break" portions of my capabilities.
And, I think given my history, thats understandable.
I think I have an unbelievable amount of potential, and an unbelievable knack for squandering that potential. So, I'm either going to end up one hell of a success story, or one hell of a major disappointment.
I kinda feel I've done my share of the latter, so the task is in figuring out how to change ...everything.
It's....difficult for me. I'm a mess. (lol)

Anywhoo..I don't really know that this blog is particularly substantial...it's kinda the same old thing. The broken record.
But, it's what I got for the day...so it's what you get.

Hopefully...I can figure everything out. I'm crossin my fingers at least.

It's Hard saying Goodbye.

First I'll warn you, this is about my personal life. So, if that bores you (it will) don't bother going any further. If it at all refers to you, directly or indirectly, know that I'm not talking bad about anyone, just blogging about how I feel, and..you happen to be in relation to those feelings either now, or in the past.



It's concerning how often in life we walk into a situation with blind eyes. Either we place our hopes so high that we ignore the warning signs telling us to back away and run for dear life, or things start so amazingly that your guard is lowered and when you least expect it something happens that completely throws everything off course and it's never the same.
It's also strange how often things that you devote so much energy towards repairing...never work. It's almost as if, once you reach a point where theres something that needs fixed, you might as well give up.

Personally, I'm one of those really weird people when it comes to relationships. I don't believe in cheating or sleeping around. I've never reeeeally done it, and I probably never will. I'm very old fashioned, however I except that some things aren't perfect, so I'm able to actually put up with alot that most people might not. Maybe it's just because my relationship history required me to do so, so it's what I've grown used to. Which, actually makes perfect sense when it comes to trying to understand the demise of the last one.
This particular person was, by all accounts...perfect for me. And, when you find someone that fits everything you've ever wanted, you find ways of messing it up without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, that it was the first relationship that I've ever been in that, ended with no reason. No closure. Just one day it was like poof.
It was a difficult time, and per usual, I tried to hang onto something that I shouldn't have. However, this time the circumstances werent the other person saying "hey...yeah. i dont want you anymore".

For the last few months I've been struggling to get past the whole debacle. Truth be told, I've had a really crazy year. At the beginning, I was in a relationship with someone that mattered alot to me, but yet...was never going to work. I think we both realized it, but held onto it for our own selfish, or selfless reasons. When that ended, I initially got wrapped up in being with someone else just for companionship sake. What developed underneath my nose, was something I never expected. Something I never wanted, and...admittedly, something I didn't fully appreciate until I was without it.

Over the months that this person spent trying to get his life together...we basically drifted too far apart.
And circumstances changed into situations that were too hard to just sit by and watch without voicing some concern.
I dunno if you've ever been on the recieving end of a voice of concern from me, but when it comes to my feelings; what i feel, when i feel them, who i feel them for....it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
Unfortunately for how I felt, ..in this time an ex arose in the other persons life, and...well. who really knows.

The last week or so, has been kind of hard for me. I mean, the whole time has been hard, but I guess there was that part of me that thought...wow..I've never met someone that cared so much, or I've never met someone that...matched up with me so well....and that part of me believed that things would work out. That things would repair themselves.

Eventually, you have no option but to lose hope. Because theres a fine line between being hopeful, and being hopeless. The very things that can build you up, can tear you down. And, when the things you wait for become less of things that help you, and more of things that hurt you....you find yourself in a very scary place.

As usual, At the conclusion of a relationship, I can say I fought for what I wanted. This time it was different though. In the past I could list my failures. The ways in which I disappointed my other half. The things that led to our demise. However, I can honestly walk away from this one, knowing that I did nothing wrong. I made no mistake. And, for the first time I can look at a failed relationship and know that I won't have any regrets that I blame myself for.

That, of course doesn't help the hurting process. Once I care for someone, I care very strongly. I care with passion. My emotions are really the only thing I'm in touch with. And, of the things I have to offer a person, the only thing that is really genuine, or powerful, or important, or of any value is those feelings.
I mentioned before that I'm 26 and I've used the L-word three times. This person was one of the three...which makes it important.

You take different lessons with you each time you end a relationship. Whether you are the one who ends it, or whether you are the one who is ended upon. Your heart breaks in a different way, but it breaks nonetheless. You lose a bit of yourself, that part that shares your world with someone else. That part that allows another person to know you,to really know you.

Hurt comes in so many ways, its almost humorous. You can spend so much time trying to calculate the ways in which it can come that you take every precaution you can think of, yet still it finds a way in.

Tonight marked the third time I've had to really say goodbye to a person. It is....not fun. It doesn't bring me any joy to add another thing to my list of screw ups. Another name, another face. Another piece.
I'd like to say it gets easier.
If someone who'd never loved before was to ask me, I wish I could look them in the eye, and say "It does get easier".
But, I don't believe that. Each time you love and lose that love, you gain a bit of insight about the world. You trek on until the next time, carrying with you a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more maturity about it all....But when it ends, you still feel the same.

I tend to be the guy that beats himself up. I typically find everything I can think of thats wrong with me (and theres alot) and I feed off of these things. I get sad, and angry, and...probably drunk, and then I cry.
And, I repeat the process until my body simply can't produce any more tears. And then I let it all build back up, and start over once I'm restocked.

This time is different. Sure, I've cried. Alot. Too much.

I can't compare it to past relationships, because it's nothing like them. I've taken something away from this failure that I can't quite describe.
Maybe it's different because there wasn't really closure. There probably never will be.

I don't think I'll ever be okay with how this happened. I don't think I'll ever understand this one.

It's the first person that I've dated that simply....doesn't want to talk to me.
Sure, I don't talk to all of my exes, but...there are other circumstances involved.
This is more of a mystery.
and, I think that's the hardest part of it all.
Not knowing.

I've had some hard moments when it comes to relationships. I've had people tell me really mean things, Ive had people completely break my heart. I've had people be kind about it, and I've had people whose hearts I've broken.
But I've never had anyone just....disappear. I've never had anyone just.....ignore me.
lol.
It's funny...but it's not.
It'll always be a person that I loved. It'll always be a person I care about.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like a person that is even interested in being my friend.
Which, makes you dig down into yourself and question why that is.
Given that I've been having sucha hard time with myself lately, I'm extremely low. But, I'm trying to refrain from getting toohard on myself, because I know first hand how hard it is to recooperate from that.
I guess I can say this.
Love is definitely the best, and the worst thing in the world.
It brings you the most happiness, and the most heartache, even when you have nothing else, or everything else.
It is the single most powerful emotion in the world. And, I have loved three pretty amzing people.
And, despite my differences with any of them...Whoever has them, or gets them is pretty lucky.

It does make you wonder if they feel the same way though, doesnt it? lol.

Alot of time has passed between two of those relationships. and, I can say that...I would never want to go back, and do things differently. I'd never want to explore that again and see what could happen.
And, I think this last one will be the first time that I can say I would.
Its difficult to say that, without feeling guilty, and stupid.
Does it mean you think less of any other relationship? certainly not. It's just that those mistakes were evident. Those reasons for failure were undeniable. Those endings were inevitable.

And, then...you feel stupid cause....how I feel, and how he feels are probably worlds apart.

I think my biggest concern is that I'll always wonder.
I'll never know.

As it all finally sunk in tonight....I kinda lost it. It was one of those moments you're glad noone gets to see. Kinda like what I look like as I write this, only less hysterical cause it's hard to type and be a mess at the same time.
But, I've got no choice but to find some hope. somewhere.
I've been in a really bad placefor a very long time. With knowing that, comes knowing that there isn't much lower I can go.

And with that comes a bit of refreshment. ..I guess life might suck now, but...it's gotta get better at some point.
And if not, at least you'll still have my blog to read to feed that hunger inside of you to read about someone who is miserable.
lol.

Or..something.

Tug of War

I've been basically unable to sleep lately. For, what seems like forever I lie down, doze off and have some sort of horrible dream. I wake up, I stay up. and eventually doze off again. Thent he process repeats. I couldn't tell you the last time I slept longer than three hours in concession.

Most nights I have to stay up as late as possible, just to be able to fall asleep, and that's only because I'm so fucking tired I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm also a very cranky person when I don't get enough sleep. And, since I haven't gotten enough sleep in two months, I've been one giant cunt on the rag for most of that time.



I try to be the kind of person that lives their life without regret. I fail miserably, but the effort is still given. There are days I say I have no regrets, but on those days I'm lying to myself.

The fact is my entire life is a series of regrets.



I wake up, and I regret that I didn't get up sooner. If I'm off work, I go out and I regret it. If I don't go out, I regret it. If I get drunk, I regret it, if I don't get drunk, I regret it.



I'm usually the kind of person that leaves his feelings out on his sleeve. It's not hard to tell when Im sad, or angry.

This applies to how I feel about someone. I liek you, I tell you. I don't like you, I tell you. I miss you, I tell you. I love you, I tell you. I want you to go the fuck away from me and never talk to me again, I tell you. It's how I roll.

Lately, I seem to regret this about myself.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.



I say how I feel about something or someone, and don't get the desired response (ever) and, I regret having done it. Then, when I don't say it, I get down on myself for being a punk bitch, and I regret having not done it, then I do it, and get still don't get the desired response. It's a never ending cycle.



It's true, that I like chaos. I'll be the first to admit that if things ran smoothly in my life I'd seek out some sort of conflict just for the sake of feeling comfortable.

Lately, life just seems to be disappointment, after disappointment. Let down, after let down.

Blah after blah.



I struggle with ways to deal with these series of unfortunate events. They expand, and gather together and eventually my runneth over and I have some sort of emotional meltdown.

I'm getting better at keeping those meltdowns private, but obviously I still like to blog about them.

If I didn't, what would I have to blog about?



Lately I've lost the ability to channel any sort of excitement at all. I think I just somehow got to this place where I figured it's easiest to just not bother with it all so that the letdowns aren't as devastating.

I became that guy that thinks it's better to remain in the dumps, than to repeatedly experience the up, then the down.

It takes alot of disappointments to become this way, and in doing so, one really does lose sight of just how important it is to experience the ups, even if they're always followed by the downs.



Without the sensations that come along with the good things, you don't get any sort of balance, and you become this really ugly person.



This is the person I've been. It's not the person I desire to be, I don't think it's the person anyone desires to be. It just kind of happens. You don't even see it happening, until you find yourself in this place, and you wonder how the hell you got there. How you could've prevented it, or even delayed its inevitability. You search for things to blame it on. People hurting you, things happening, the lack of things happening. It's what you do. It's all you have to make sense of it.



I've kinda made a life out of this. It's a part of me. It's like my elbow, or my esophagus. My brainwaves or my heartbeat. You take these excuses away, and I'm a pile of rubble. I'm non-existant. I've used them for so long, that without them, I'm not really anything. I'm not really anyone.

Without something to blame, you have to turn the tables towards yourself. And, I'd presume it's easier to place blame on other people and other things, than it is to blame yourself for everything.

Maybe that's where the problem is. I go back and forth between the two. Blaming myself and blaming everything else. I pick and choose when to do blame which, and when that lightens up I dwell on the other option.



I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be any way that I've been.

I understand what compels people to pack up and start over. Reinvent yourself in a new place. Give yourself a second, third, fourth, or seventy third chance to start over. Sometimes the life you build for yourself becomes so uncomfortable, so unfamiliar, so...unacceptable that you've got no other hope but to run away.

Redefining yourself has got to be a liberating event. Yet, it seems so cowardly at the same time.



I stuggle with what the best option is. Run away. Try to become something different.Become someone brand new. Or try to fix the one I am. Problem is, I'm not sure that either can ever be done.

I look at the person I am. The things that go through my mind, the insecurities, the fears, the list of failures that read like accomplishments....and I wonder just how possible these goals are. How much hope can there be, for someone that can't catch a break, can't make a move, can't stay still.

I'm both the strongest, and weakest person I know. And I'll never be one or the other.



It's ironic that the things in life a person measures themselves by the most, are the things that seem so difficult to obtain. The reassurances one needs for motivational purposes are the things that come the hardest.

For me, you can't have one without the other. So, I'm always distraught.



I think I'm the most fucked up person I know. I've got so much intelligence, and common sense, until forced to apply it to myself. I live in a fantasy world, where I'm both the best and worst.

I'm the hero and the villain. And my life is one giant tug of war.



No matter what happens, I pull the other half of me into the mud.

So, I'm always both a winner, and a loser.

Problem is, all I can find the time to humor is the losing side.



I often wonder how many peoples' lives I've impacted. And of those people, how many have been for the better. I find myself doubting that the results are one in which I'd like to learn.

From my experiences, I feel like I've hurt more than I've helped. I've torn down more than I've built up.

And generally, I think everyone that evicts me from their life or that I've evicted from mine, is much better off not having to deal with the virus that I seem to inject in their lives.

That sounds worse than I mean it to....I just doubt the good that I bring to the table anymore. It seems like...the good parts of me are so hard to reach.
I'm not even sure they exist anymore.

Thank Full.

Being the day after Thanksgiving, I'm a smidge too late to write that blog listing all the things I'm thankful for.

The fact is, im not really thankful for the things I have or the obstacles I've overcome. I'm not particularly grateful either.

But I am proud. I may not have the best life, with the most amazing things. And, I may not always be surrounded by a loving family and a large number of friends.

But, I've made it through alot of things that people my age don't normally go through. And, I'm not in complete shambles.

I'm proud of mysef for always sticking to my guns. I voice my opinions, and I fight for the things I believe in. I don't let people walk all over me, and I don't walk all over people.
I am honest. And trustworthy. And with each day I make strides towards becoming a person that isn't hurtful to others for no apparent reason.

I pay my bills, I remember my debts.
Most of all, I respect myself, and show respect to others. (unless they disrespect me)

As hard as life can be sometimes, I really am glad that I've gone through every single thing that I have. Every thing is a learning experience. And, I've learned alot.

Everything I've done. The people I've formed friendships and relationships with, the things I've overcome, and ..the failures that have devoured me...They've all mademe who I am.
That person is not one I'm always completely comfortable with, I'm not always the most secure or confident.
But, I am always chugging along towards that goal. And, I'm glad that I'm as far as I am, and not in an even worse place.

I've reached a place where I'm tired of lying down idely watching the things, people and ideas that matter to me, disappear.

So, I guess I am thankful. Thankful that i've managed to keep some sanity in this world. And, I'm not ready to give up trying.

*shrug*

Better in Time?

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you find a song that fits exactly how you feel at that particular moment and the only way to keep you from completely losing it is to repeat the song over, and over, and over again?
I'm in one of those moods. Truth be told, I've been in one all day but there's been people around me, so I've had to just keep the song playing over and over in my head until I was able to retreat to my room and unleash my I-tunes.

This week marks the beginning of the holidays. This part of the year is always touch and go with me. Depending on where I find myself in life it's either bad, or really bad.

I've always been invited to go somewhere for the holidays. Some random set of friends, or family of friends. People have always tried to make me feel welcome. But, with that comes the fact that, it isn't really the same.

I don't like feeling like a burden, or an intruder. And, most times I know that's not the case. But, it's also hard to not feel that way.
I haven't spent a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with a member of my own family since 1999.
As long as it's been, one would think with time it gets easier. When in fact it gets harder.

I've recieved several invites this year. I go through a different range of emotions with each invitation. Gratitude, and shame all at the same time.
Thank you for inviting me. Fuck you for feeling bad for me. Pity me. Ignore me. Toss me aside. Hold me close.
It's a complicated thing to explain.
I guess when I reallydig down and think about it, it goes deeper than just the holidays.
I always feel like I'm bothering someone. Like I'm an inconvenience.
I think to a certain extent these are facts, though probably not as serious as I tend to assume.
It causes me to both push to hard, and pull away too fast at the same time. So I end up running away, yet dragging someone along at the same time.

The holidays get the worst of it, because it's the one time that I want to be both left alone, and comforted at the same time. There's a certain hardship that comes along with not having a great relationship with your family. You tend to lose that confirmation that you matter in the world.

Most people get that with phone calls and visits. Cards or concerns.
And, with me, I rely on my few friendships and myself to build that reiteration.

I guess I was never intelligent to understand how important these things are. Without them, you develop so many more insecurities.
Insecurities that tear you down. Disassemble you. Break you apart.

The more time that passes, the easier it gets to want to be by myself, and the harder it gets to actually do it.
The more it goes on, the more I curl mylip when I get invited to someone elses' traditions.
It's not that im not humbled by it, or that I'm ungrateful.
It's that I'm ashamed. Embarrassed.
I'm 26 years old, and it seems so young to...not have anyone.

It's not even a relationship thing. I mean, I guess that factors into it too, but its so much more than that.

I don't have anyone to really.....lean on. I don't have anyone to cry with. I don't have anyone to cling to.

Maybe I've had a person for that too often in my life, and at this stage it's better that I don't have these things. But, it doesnt feel that way.

I think of Christmas time. I make a list of people I should buy for. Then I make a list of people that will buy something for me.
Comparing these lists teaches a person alot.

Sure, a persons' self worth isnt measured by these things....and it shouldn't be. But, yet it is.

It just seems like good things are happening to everyone around me. And, it seems to just get worse for me.
Maybe I'm jealous, or bitter.
I've always told people that I'm not bitter. (because everyone thats ever meant anything to me...always calls me that)
I'm realizing that I am bitter.
I am Nick, and I am a very bitter person.

I'm fed-up with the mediocrity I live in. I'm tired of being sad.I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't really...matter to people.
Maybe with that, I should stop pretending that people don't matter to me.

I'm so much more than people get to see.
And, I think that people are both extremely lucky, and extremely unfortunate for not getting to see.

I'm simply exhausted with trying to be what people want, or what I think I need to be. I wish I could just learn to....be more.

Seems like the struggling goes on. It intensifies. Multiplies. It spreads like wildfire.

My song says it'll all get better in time.
And I think i've listened to it about 157 times. Maybe a few more and I'll actually believe it.

(im hardly an optimist)

Tried to make me go to rehab....

Someone that I know and consider myself pretty close with was recently diagnosed as Bi-Polar. I think if everyone that I knew went to see a doctor, a large number of them would lso be diagnosed as that. I think doctors are quick diagnose people as different things. Mostly just because people in general like definitions. We like answers, results. And, the best way to give us some sort of comfort within ourselves (even if its not what we'd like to hear) is to give us an excuse. A reason.
That's not saying that alot of people aren't bi-polar. But...since when does mood swings and sudden changes in how we feel, make us need medication?
Whatever happened to just dealing with our problems?

With that said, I fully believe I'm Bi-Polar. Possibly Tri, or quad even. As, anyone that ever REALLY gets to know me can attest to.

I'm not really sure how it all came to pass.
I've always kind of been two different people. The one who projects himself as a strong, confident, happy person.Loud, and boisterous. One who doesn't particularly care what people say, or think. One that places himself first above all other things.

And then there's the private me. The one thats quiet, and reserved. Lonely, and weak. The one that sees people sad, and....feels horrible. One thats shy, and caring. Considerate and concerned with the world and the people in it. One that actually cares more about other people than himself.

I spend alot of time trying to be one these people. Instead infusing them together to create one person. One perfectly imperfect, tragically beautiful, self-lessly selfish people.
It's a balancing act I'm not so great at.

I'm a very observant person. Being a bartender teaches you things about watchings peoples' actions and body language. Lately, the things around me...are depressing.

On a daily basis I watch so many people destroy themselves and the people around them.
Losing themselves in a world of drugs or alcohol. Abandoning the ones they love.
The last few days I've watched people cry because their feelings were hurt. Someone they love treating them bad, and doing things that are destroying themselves. Someone being infatuated with someone, only to watch them leave with someone else.
It's my job to see these things. And, sometimes you can make it through without noticing the heartbreak. Sometimes you cant.
In these last few days I've seen a couple fight, only to drive off and get into an accident where, one is still hospitalized. I've watched someone else break yet another promise. Make another hurtful comment. React in ways that only distance themselves from the very things they vow to protect and cherish.

Maybe it's silly, but after awhile, it gets to you. You see that...this is how the world is. People letting other people down. Pushing other people away. Seemingly tossing away things that should matter.

I find myself getting angry, because I too fall into these categories. I see what I do, yet I make no change. I too, continue to slowly deconstruct myself.
I push too hard. I pull too fast. I run too far.
It seems that everything scares me. At least everything but the things that are actually doing the worst to me.

It's sad when you watch people squander their potential. I guess I know what some people might feel about me.
So much talent, and promise. So little drive and determination.

I feel like Amy Winehouse. Without the money. The hair. The crack.
So..I guess im not like her at all....but you get the drift.

I'm starting to come to terms with certain things. I have a pecking order of things I want for my life, and im beginning to understand that some of those things arent possible. Perhaps they never will be.

I've been so..exhausted. It seems everything has just left me out of breath. Focusing on one thing, then directly onto another and then another. Major problem after major problem. Dramatic event after dramatic event.

This upcoming year is going to be even more of that. My dad is scheduled to be released from jail in the early portion of 2009. It's, exciting..and scary all rolled into one.

I've noticed that somewhere along the way...I've stopped living.
I mean, I'm alive. But, my life is just ...wake up. work. wake up and bitch cuz yer broke cuz yer not working today.
I never have things planned, or anything.
My sole purpose in the world is to wake up so that I can pay my bills. And...that's not working for me anymore.

I've sunk into a pretty bad depression, and I find myself wanting to drink to get wasted every single day. If I'm not drinking, I'm daydreaming of little shot glasses floating by my head. Craving the next time I'll have one.

I'm reaching this point in life where I wanna completely reinvent myself. Erase the template and start over. Change what I'm doing, and where I'm going.

I just find myself lacking so many different things to do so, that it overwhelms me.
And instead of picking a place to start, I wait for the place to pick me.
And, that. is why I'm where I'm at.
Right smack dab in the middle of all the people I look at and say "its too bad. they have so much to offer...and...just throw it away".

We all need our own sort of rehab to pull ourselves out of the dark times in our lives. I don't think that means having to go away to a place of seclusion and talking to people in a circle about your problems. I think rehabilitation is a thing that really only exists in your mind.
Giving yourself the abilities to believe in yourself. Instilling hope and passion for yourself. Placing yourself in a state of mind that can overcome fear and failure and the things that try tol hold us down.
I don' t think pills, and groups are the answers to these things.
Perhaps these are things that give certain people things to believe in.
But, all of the tools are there for each every one of us.

Personally, I just wish we as people would start using them.
And, I write my name on the very top of that list.
It's time.

Grievances.

After refusing to repost a bulletin I read earlier, I'm spending the next few minutes planning ways to improve my luck, which is apparently going to be shitty for the next 15 years.



It makes you wonder what life was like before all these ridiculous forwards were introduced to ruin the luck of the human race for the next decade plus. It's absurd!



I know I stepped on a few cracks, and my mothers back never broke.



I've broken mirrors, opened umbrellas indoors, but....not even these things put a bad joo-joo on you for FIFTEEN years.

Hell, gum only stays in your system for 7. (lol)

It's like when you get one of those wank-ass text messages telling you how great of a person you are, and how thankful so-and-so is to have you in their life. But, you secretly know that they just forwarded it to like 3534151 people, twelve of which were all in the room with you when you got it (and so did they cuz you all collectively said "ugh..i hate forwards) leading you to think "god...how special can I be, I just heard *insert name* get the same text, and I know he hates that bitch".
People. Listen. Your luck isn't gonna change if you don't pass that shit on. It might even improve. I mean, at least I won't hate you more.
Your family members aren't gonna die cuz you didn't post it. And, contrary to what it says...you probably will have sex again at some point.
Unless you look like Jon Lovitz. (or...infact ARE Jon Lovitz. I don't care what kinda residuals "A League of their Own" gives him...there can't be many people fucking him willingly)

I don't need any text message with an embedded picture of a heart and some roses with it, to confirm my friendships. If you find yourself sitting there thinking "hmm...I wonder if Nicklous knows how much I love him"...A simple "Hey Nick...Just wanted to text you and let you know that I fucking love you" will suffice. I'll prolly text back with "awe...I fucking love you too". Unless I don't, which...I might be wondering why you're texting me that you love me, if I don't love you back in the first place. But, even still I'd prolly text you back with an "awe..me too! so whats up" (avoiding saying I love you, if you don't infact love someone, is perfectly acceptable. Trust me, I do it all the time at work) lol

Another grievance I have is people that act like assholes, then act like they know they were an asshole. I like my assholes to be dirty, shady assholes. I want you to pretend you never did anything.
So, Craig. It's safe to order from me at the bar. You don't have to lurk around B and pretend you aren't thirsty. We both know you're a raging alcoholic. Let's not pretend you came there, seen me and suddenly want to pass it off as not bein in the mood to drink. I make drinks for alot of people I don't like. Just as I'm sure everyone you make a pizza for isn't on your Christmas card list. So, Fear not. As much as I'd like to spit in your drink (or...you know..worse) I'm not like that.
(I actually wouldn't come to you for a drink either...but...you know..this is about me. Not you. Douchebag)
While we're on grievances...I've got a few more.

People that claim to be your "best friend" or "one of your best friends" yet...lie to you over the dumbest shit. I don't need to know everything you do, but if you are gonna tell me what you did...TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, not some fabricated version of what you did. Once it's a lie..it's not what you did....It becomes what you DIDNT do.

I'm also not fond of people who start talking to someone, fall head over heels, then gets fucked over, then forgives, then gets fucked over again, then forgives, then lied to and fucked over 37 times in a row, then...comes bitching and moaning to their friend (who is ALWAYS there for them) then...because they fall for the same old routine, and said friend wants nothing to do with the lying sonodacunt.....basically treats the friend like they've done something wrong, and makes them feel like a complete outsider.

I don't like people that don't return phone calls. I don't like people that pretend other peoples' feelings aren't important.
I mean, I'm a dickhead...and I'm still aware that other people matter. It's not always just about me.

I'm also very upset with MTV. Myself being an avid fan of DVR, I record almost everything that I view on television. I couldn't even tell you the last thing I watched live. (it was LOST last night..I couldn't wait) I don't know what's wrong with MTV, maybe it's that fuckin MTV News bullshit they do, that throws off all the programming by 3 minutes, or what...but I'm sick and fucking tired of missing the end of the fucking Real World:Brooklyn.
You'd think some genuis would figure out a way to make DVR record the whole god damned program, not just the time the program is scheduled for.
It's more than just MTV, too.
The Academy Awards. Every year, they go way over. The year Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress,...They announce her name. She walks up. Starts crying. And....says...
Nothing. Show over. All I get is "delete program" or "do not delete program".
I still dunno what she said.

The year Carrie Underwood won American Idol.
There she is. (Ryan Seacrest)
And, theres Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Holding hands.
And the winner is...

"delete program" "do not delete program".
I had to look it up online, after my roomate and I stood there...jaws dropped momentarily cause we couldn't believe we waited all season for that moment..and then...didn't get it.

And, I won't even mention the fact that CBS' schedule on Sundays is ALWAYS fucked up during football season. Every sunday, I get half of 60 minutes, and the first half of the Amazing Race. And, lets face it...the second half is WAY better than the first half.

Another debacle I'm having is idiots in my apartment building. Every weekend some random asshole has dumped beer all over in one of the elevators, or left trash all over one of the elevators.
Cat Litter, all over one of the elevators. Food, all over the elevators. Silly string, all over the elevators.
I wanna write a note like "hey...assholes. Im not sure how you prefer the place YOU fucking live in, to look...but I prefer it to not look like I'm twelve years old and sleep in a fucking twin size bed shaped like a racecar. So, if you could please try not to throw your shit allllll over the place, and keep it confined to your own apartment, that'd be great. I kinda like not having cockroaches. But, I can't speak for everyone here. Obviously."
Like, do you not have respect for yourself? Who the fuck wants to live in a place like that?

What about people that come out to the bar, and pay with nickles and dimes. Or, give me two dimes and a nickle and ask for a solid quarter.
Or, pay with nickles and dimes, and apologize for it. then 20 minutes later pay with a 20 dollar bill.
I gotta tell people ahead of time "we don't take any kind of change except quarters" cause these bitches are tryin to pay outta their fuckin piggy banks.
If you ain't got money, don't go out. It's simple. The bar is not the fucking bank.

lol.

I guess that's all for now.

On a completely unrelated note...
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel exactly once our newly elected president took office.
I don't at all consider myself political. However after listening to him speak, (and getting teary eyed) I find myself suddenly interested. Suddenly excited.
I don't know if Barrack Obama will be a successful president. I know he's oft compared to John F. Kennedy.
I don't know what great, or lackluster things he will accomplish.
But, I do know that he holds a special ability to speak directly to the hearts of people. I've experienced a sense of excitement when he talks. He offers me inspiration.
And, that is something to be spoken for.
I don't know anything about his policies, or what he promises to do, or whether he can achieve anything more than idle promises...
But I do know that he has the ability to inspire a generation. He has the power to invoke change, and offer hope. And, that goes alot further than one might choose to believe.
A few months ago, I didn't really care who became president.
I can honestly say that I'm very glad that this person was elected.
I think there's a very strong possibility that he will go down as one of the best political faces to ever helm the United States of America.
(and..if I'm wrong...who the fuck cares..I said I know nothing about politics.)
lol.

As long as he gets the DVR thing fixed. I'm good.

Jibber Jabber

I've been very uncharacteristic lately.
Biting my tongue, hiding my feelings.

I'm typically not a person who keeps his voice silent. Lately it's just felt htat with the way everything's gone, perhaps not saying how I feel would be better.
So, I've played the role out. I've let people think I like them when I don't. I've let people think I don't like them when I do. Allowing myself to be fake to people is something I'm not really fond of, but I guess I felt like the person I actually am isn't getting me anywhere, so maybe I should take on a different persona.

And, in these weeks I've found that,that isn't the answer. I've felt like a complete sell-out. A phony. An imposter to my own being.
I've spent most everyday over the last few weeks drunk. If not drunk, than wishing I was drunk.
I'm looking at my life and seeing how truly lost I am. Wandering, and wandering. Aimlessly. With no destination.
I've been really sad, though that's not really anything new. I'm a sad person. The difference is, trying to pretend you aren't sad, when you are...makes things 2545432396 times worse.
I haven't been writing. At all.
That makes it worse too. When you stop participating in your only emotional ventilation system...your emotions go into overload and you're one big emotional mess.
Tie that together with the mass amounts of alcohol and all the general concerns I've got right now, and it's a volatile mixture.
I can't say that life isn't overwhelming me right now. If anyone's ever watched "Coupling" (the british version) there was the episode of the Giggleloop. It's when you want to laugh at something, and you try to hold it in, but the more you hold it in, the harder it gets to not explode. And eventually the weight gets too heavy, and you burst into this outrageous fit of laughter and an inopportune time.
I'm going through my own personal giggleloop, only its not laughter I'm holding in. It's all sorts of anger and fear. Sadness, and just this huge amount of depression I'm carrying on my shoulders.
I just want to be able to let it all out. To feel like it's okay to do so, and to not feel guilty or stupid about it all afterwards.

I've lost hold of my ideas and goals. And find myself in this bubble that I can't seem to pop. Instead of feeling like I'm a part of the world, I feel like everything around me is seen from this bubble. Like I'm not really a part of anything.
I don't feel like I have a place. Kind of like I don't fit in. It's like the world keeps going. Keeps changing and growing and becoming something else, while me and my bubble remain idle. Stuck. Encaged.

There's that old idea that says sometimes you need to hit rock bottom. I feel like if I'm not there already, I don't havemuch further to go. Then there's that saying that says life is just testing you. Making you stronger, so you're prepared. I feel like my whole life has been a test. One big giant test that seems to prepare me for more testing. I'm tired of being tested. Though I guess the arguement could be made that, I must be continually failing or eventually it'd ease up.

Alls not completely terrible in the world, I mean...I suppose it could be even worse. Just seems like theres a consecutive string of shitty things happening to me. And, the more they come the harder they pelt me in the face.
And, eventually something good would be appreciated.
I guess everyone has their struggles. Mine aren't anymore important than anyone elses'. But mine are the only ones I have to carry with me on a daily basis, so I guess that gives me a justified reason to make mountains out of molehills.
I'm giving a sincere effort towards pulling myself out of all of this. I'm just not sure how identifiable I'll be once it's all over. I think for me to find my peace, and any bit of happiness..alot of things need to change.
And there's something threatning about that.
Or, maybe I'm just a pussy.

I'm a Tattletale.

While I have three sisters, for the most part I grew up as an only child. I rarely seen my mom,oranyone on her side of the family for most of my childhood, and so far my entire adult life.
I did however grow up extremely close to four of my cousins. My dad and I often bounced back and forth between living with my aunt, who had two kids, and one of my uncles...who had adopted twoofmy cousins from one of his brothers whose life was spinning out of control.
Also,this aunt and uncle lived right next door to one another for several years of my youth.
Age-wise, I fit right in the middle. My aunts two kids are three and four years younger than I, and the kids with my uncle were three and (however older the other one is) years older than me.
Naturally as in the pecking order, the older cousins teased the younger cousins.
I, was typically a really good child. I got good grades, I got anything I really wanted, and never found the urge to really act out or cause trouble. The others tended to get in trouble quite often.
Also, being as some of their lives were.....complicated, and mine seemed alot easier to them, I took alot of flack from them. They'd break my toys, tease me, bully me, purposely hurt me just because it's apparently fun to do. Being as I was close to my dad, I told him pretty much everything. This branded me the "tattletale" of the kids. Granted the younger cousins were bigger tattletails than me, the fact that I hung out with both groups more than the others hung out with each other...I was privy to more information that could get them in trouble. And, I often leaked this information. Not usually with the intention of getting them in trouble, but just the fact that..my dad was...my only friend. So, when I'd tell him things, I half expectedhim to just listen, and go about his day feeling like he'd heard nothing.
Unfortunately, I think I got my being a tattletale from my dad, Cause nomatter what he'd always tell something I'd told him. It caused me many-a-tortured moments. Most of which involved them destroying my toys.
My He-Man doll that got put in the gigantic fan,chopping his poor little head off. My little Starship thingy,that got melted. A slow and painful death.
My Gi Joe figurines...that got thrown into a lake....I watched them either sink....or float away.
And, I won't even talk about the detrimental experience of losing my 3 Minute Ice cream Maker.

In a way, I guess I deserved these things for telling on them. In a way,I want my fucking toys back.
As I've grown into an adult, I'velearned to becomebetter at keeping certain things a secret. I've learned you can't live life telling on people for everything they do. I've also learned that sometimes, telling on people is the right thing todo.

To this day, if theres someone I trust (which is hardtocome by) I'll tell them anything. I'll tell them everything. It's part of who I am, it's part of who I've always been. That will probably never change.

Last night, I was faced with a moral decision.
To tattle, or not to tattle.
Usually in these situations, Imake my decision based on the old "What is in my best interest" game.
And, in this case, it was in my best interest to tell.

Last night, a fellow employee (and staple at the bar, literally...he's alwaysthere) and,the man who got me hired at Ripcord..came in, unlocked the bar that was closed while I wasworking on the other side, put a bottle ofJager in his jacket, and carried it down the street to Caesars.
Expecting to get away with it, unfortunately for him...several people seen him, and knew he'd taken something....just not sure what.
The bartender from Caesars came down after he closed early, and when I asked him (after denying it first) came clean and told me it was half a bottleof Jager, and that this coworker had told him that I gave him the okay to take it. (not true)

Being as,in the last three weeks,there have been two instances on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning where something had come up missing....I had to inform my manager of what had happened. I already had topay back money that someone else had stole, and I didn't want tohave to go through another debacle.

I love this particular co-worker. He's always been kind to me, and I hold him very close tomy heart. It half hurts me that he'd do that while I was working,and it half hurts me to have to be the one that told on him.
He'll be getting fired,and will havehis keys taken away, and while he deserves that forstealing...it hurts me to be the one that brought this to the owner and managers attention.

It serves me best, to let others know when someone else is stealing...because I can't have people thinking its me.
I guess I could have let it go,and pretended it didn't happen,..however I can't afford to take the blame for someone elses' deeds any more.

I partly feel like a douchebag....because of how much I love the guy.
But it kindamakes you wonder...if you stole that....what else did you steal?

It's about respect. And stealing underneath my nose when I'mgoing to be held responsible for it, is not being respectful to me in my opinion.
The sad part is, I'm probably going to lose my friendship with this person. And...that makes me wish I didn't have to dowhat I did.

*sigh*

Work Shit. Again.

Everyday, we face a world of different circumstances. Different people, places and things that our lives revolve around.

We are ultimately defined by these things.
The actions we choose. The decisions we make.

We are a product of the things we say. The people we stand up to. The things we back down from. The courses we follow, and the paths we stray from along the way.

These are the things make us who we are.

I find myself in a place where all of these things are clouded. Everything seems blurred.


The latest debacle in my ever-so-downward spiral called life involves work. Again.
For the second time in as many weeks there was another theft at work. A large majority of the staff was fired, including myself. Then, I was asked to return to work by the manager, who pulled me aside and basically told me that he knows me, and trusts me.

While, that was a bit of a relief, a short while later the owner came in (drunk as hell) and told me that I wasnt supposed to be there. I told him I was called by the manager and asked to work. He told me that I was "lucky" that he likes me.
Then throughout the night continued to be-little me and make me feel completely worthless.

At one point calling me a liar, and a thief. (neither of which i am...but...whatever)

At this point I'm not really sure how I feel.
I can understand management being pissed that theres a thief there. Hell, I'm pissed that there's a thief there. One person making everyone else look bad, infuriates me.

Personally, I'm upset because a) i dont steal.

I don't like people thinking that I'm something I'm not. Even though, I don't think they actually suspect me...being lumped into that group is something that bruises my ego.
It hurts my feelings.
It affects my attitude.

b) I don't like the be publicly humiliated. I don't like being called names, and yelled at. Especially in front of people. Especially when I did nothing wrong. Especially by a person so drunk that they can't even stand up.

c) I don't like people that are rude and inconsiderate, while paying you backhanded compliments. For instance "you know i love you..but...get the fuck out of here. You're fired. I don't like thieves and liars and I have too many of those. I'm sorry, and I want my computer I loaned you. Then I dont want to see you back here"

..........

At this point, I'm not sure what exactly to think. Anyone that knows my place of employment knows that the owner gets too drunk and says things that he shouldn't, and...most often doesn't mean.
I'm not sure if I have a job or don't. One minute I do, one minute I don't.
It's frustrating. It's stressful. It's...another thing on the pile of things that just have me feeling incredibly low on life.

I've got alot of pride. Too much, sometimes. I don't take well to being disrespected. And, it took every ounce of me to not unleash last night.
Instead, I stood behind the bar, with no customers (because the gas was shut off and it was freezing inside) and cried.
Alot.

I think I've finally just reached that boiling point. Everything that's been hitting me in rapid succession has finally taken toll, and I'm broken.
I'm beat.

Obviously, finding a new job is a major priority. However with my work history, finding something that isn't in a bar or restuarant (which ...I don't want to keep doing if i dont have to) is going to be difficult...

I'm tired of relying on tips to survive. Unfortunately, I don't see a silver lining.

I've been searching the classifieds...And, theres been no luck at this point.

I'm expecting a phone call tonight, letting me know if I still have a job...Which is good for the short term.

But, I realize I definitely need something better than this. It's killing my soul.

So, if anyone has any ideas, I'm open for suggestions.

Blowjobs at 2 dollars a pop is almost more self respecting at this point.

I.. can't take the insults. I'm too fragile.

Vote....or Not.

It is said, that this upcoming election is probably the most important election our country has ever seen. It will definitely be a history making event, undoubtedly.

Most people you will encounter, will encourage you to vote. They will say, it doesn't matter, everyone needs to vote. Every vote counts, etc, etc.

And, while I agree with that, I am going to take a different stance.

If you are well knowledged in the candidates. And you really honestly believe that one is superior towards the other, than by all means....cast your vote and make the world a better place, or..whatever.

But, what's to be said about those people that aren't informed of the candidates, their particular stances on different issues, and other things like that?
Should these people be voting?

Should someone vote for John McCain because they are afraid of a black man being the President of United States?
What about voting for Barrack Obama simply because he is black, and somehow the fact that he's a minority means that he's going to be the Savior of Change.

I can honestly say that I will not be voting this year. I do not prefer one candidate over the other. In fact I'm at a complete stand-still. And, admittedly, I haven't done any of the research on either candidate I told myself I was going to do.

I personally believe that while everyone is entitled to their voice, sometimes a voice is best served silent.
I cannot pick which one I like best, so my vote would be based on some sort of personal trait. I don't like Sarah Palin, and I don't like Joe Biden, so neither of them can sway a vote for their running mate either.
I feel that since this is such an important race, isn't the idea supposed to be "vote for the best candidate".

I urge those of you who, may be like me. Unsure of either one, to step back and NOT vote simply because you think you have to.
If you think you have to vote Democratically simply because you're gay....You shouldn't be voting. And, if you think you have to vote Republican simply because you're not open minded, you shouldn't be voting.
You shouldn't vote for someone based on the color of their skin, or the amount of wrinkles a man has.

Unfortunately, this isn't the world.
Assloads of black people will vote for Barrack simply because he's black.
And assloads of rednecks will vote for McCain, simply because Obama is black.

Politics is sucha difficult and confusing thing. And unless you are incredibly mature about the way you look at things, its very difficult to identify with a party whole heartedly.
Too many people indentify themselves as one political party member without really knowing what it even means.
They pick and choose the issues they like about a party, and declare that the best platform for our country to be controlled through.

Every single person has their right to vote, and pick the person they see best fit for the job of leading the free world. Unfortunately, the majority of these people aren't intelligent to look at all the intangibles first.
Politics is much more than a black and white subject. And, if you don't know who you're voting for, and how they feel about all of the issues. (including their pasts....politics lie people) I personally don't think you should be voting at all.

And, that's why come Election day, I'll proudly say that I did not vote. That way, either way I can bitch about all you assholes electing someone I dislike.

This is not encouraging people to not vote. I do believe that voting for the things you believe in, is the only way to change the problems you see in the way things are. But, I will say that if you vote one way or another because of reasons that actually have nothing to do with where they are going to direct the country over the next four years, you should be staying home on election day too.

A List

Heres a short list that I've compiled of things I want to accomplish in my life. It's just the things that came to mind at this exact moment. It's definitely not a list in completion.

• Write a successful book
• Visit a foreign country
• Reside in a big city
• Make a change in the world
• Read all of the great american novels
• Let go of the past
• Sing karaoke
• Buy a car
• Own my home
• Raise a family
• Have a day of spontaniety
• Love unconditionally
• Learn to stop worrying
• Help someone who would never help me
• Steady income
• Volunteer to help people who can't help themselves
• Have sex in an elevator
• Learn to play an instrument
• Change someone's opinion for the better
• Buy my grandmothers house
• Cry because Im happy
• Wake up every day to the same person next to me
• Go to bed every night with the same person next to me
• Lighten up on myself
• Make someone proud
• Be respected for my character
• Know someone famous
• Inspire others.

A Virus of the Mind.

After having my dog pee all over my bed, because he's dying and can't hold his bowels like he used to, I raged for a few moments, mostly because I'm out of laundry detergent and will now spend the night blanket-less, but also because of the complexity of my life these days.
As an avid reader you'd probably know that things aren't going well for Nick right now.

I've certainly been way down, for quite some time now. It's hard, making the adjustment from happy, to sad, and then working back up towards happy again. Especially when so many bad things keep blocking your path.

I definitely won't pretend I'm anywhere close to happy. But, my brain has given myself the allotted time to be depressed (and then some). So, I've convinced myself that being a complete bump on a log is, doing the exact same thing I've been upset with "boy" over.

If anything has proved certain it's that while you can't always help other people; sometimes they won't take it, or sometimes you just don't have the capability....you are always able to help yourself. It's one of those, mind over matter type dealio schmealio things.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't help the person I'm in love with get through his current situation. So, in order for him to do so for himself, I have to withdraw myself from the equation. It's a difficult thing to do, especially for someone like myself. But, I truly believe it's the only way he's going to get through his obstacles right now; alone.

It's definitely an emotional rollercoaster. Doing something you don't want to do, in order to save someone else, perhaps at the cost of your own feelings, ideas, and ...dreams.
I've been through so many relationship mistakes, that it seems my relationships have never been with people, but I've been dating my own different failures.
I'm certainly not calling them failures. I mean, my personal ones. I guess it's hard to explain, however I know what I mean, so thats really all that matters.

I got nostalgic, and rummaged through my small collection of things I've held onto over the years. Random cards, and letters. Stupid mementos that remind me of people.

I ran across a letter from my first love. First loves are complicated, because it's the love in which you compare all other loves to. Possibly because it's the first, so that somehow makes it the one that felt the ....strongest.
It's scary to look back on the loves of your life over a span of one year, three years. five years, or seven or eight. Ten. However long.
You notice all the things about yourself that you've lost along the way. Sometimes you notice the things you haven't lost. Or the things you can't seem to lose no matter how hard you try.

Change is a funny thing. I use that phrase alot. "love is a funny thing". "regret is a funny thing". I don't mean funny as in hahahahahaha, funny. I mean...strange. mysterious.
Its odd the things you can remember from your past. The things that once seemed all you had and all you were. Many years later while reflecting upon these things you wonder, how the hell things went from point A, to point X. How you went from one type of person to another.
How you've managed to change so drastically, yet many of the things that made you who you were remain the same.

Appearances change. Circumstance. Needs. Desires. Goals. Ideas. Habits. The places you go, the people you associate with. Jobs, Feelings. Everything.
And, through it all, I find that I'm still the same person.
Always reaching towards one goal of just being with a person that loves me with the rarest unconditional type of love that's obtainable.

No matter where I go, or who I travel there with...underneath there are things about me that...are going to remain the exact same way for the rest of my life.
These things both make me invincible, and invisible. Defiant, and defunctional. Amazing, and A mess. Beautiful and tragic.

Some ideas are just hard to let go of. I'll forever be in search of some sorta fairy tale type life. And, I think i'll always be disappointed at not having it. Probably always unable to face the harsh reality that these things don't really exist.

At the end of going through all my keepsakes, I got a little misty-eyed. I'm not sure if it's because things haven't gone according to plan, or if it's just hard to remember your life during a different phase.

After that, I packed up all the things I've had around my room that keep me remind me of these feelings.
I can't stop loving someone. It's, not really what I'm good at. So, any constant reminder of a failed relationship is something I can't have right now.

I'm trying to think positively and tell myself that while ending this relationship is the best thing fo right now, hopefully it's not the best thing ultimately. But, it's not really okay for me to think that.
I can't put my life on hold just because someone else is putting theirs on hold. It's not fair to me and my emotions.
Moving on is, incredibly hard though. But, I've been through it before. This time, its just different.
It's not someone looking at me and saying "yeah...hey..i dont wanna be with you anymore", like I've grown accustomed to.
This is way more complicated. And, alot harder than that.

This blog is totally all over the place. Typical eh?

I thought heavily this week about moving. Just packing up, and disappearing. I have a place I could run to, and I'd probably be okay there. I'd be hundreds of miles away from everything going on. But, after thinking for hooours on end, I've come to the conclusion that moving hundreds of miles away isn't going to put any distance between me and the problems in life I face.

And, I don't actually mind having to face life as an adult. I'm not really sure I'm strong enough, but I'm sure that in some way...things will work out. Maybe not to my exact expectations.
But, maybe it's time I grew out of my old mindset, and start expecting something else.

Maybe.
Who knows.

Sometimes I feel like I have this uncurable disease that causes me to think (to over think) about everything. Instead of letting things happen how they happen, I try to make it all work inside my head first. And, I'm realizing that my virus of the mind isn't making things better. It's making it harder.

The Games People Play.

After having a really good time bowling and having dinner with "boy" on Sunday afternoon/early evening, my faith in humanity was briefly restored when a random act of kindness occured between myself and my next door neighbor.
It wasn't anything life altering, infact to most people it probably wouldn't be considered significant at all; to me it was.
Basically, he was a douchebag, and apologized for it. Some might think it's just the proper thing to do, but in todays world, being able to say you're sorry for something you did really goes a long way. Especially if you're just a random stranger.
Often times it's hard to say you're sorry to people you know...let alone someone you dont.

And, for a brief while I was in this weird state where for just a moment I got all, optimistic about things. Sometimes it's not the things the people in your life do, but the things the people not in your life do, that grab you by the gonads and shake you up.
The fact that I totally have a crush on him (only because he's pretty) didn't hurt, but still...it left me feeling good about the world and the people in it.
I even intended on writing one of those completely uncharacteristic blogs about the goodness in people, and crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

Luckily, just two days later, douchebaggery at the hands of people has given me the ever-so-oft opportunity to again turn my back on people and the imafuckinshitstainofasoul ways. And, it's completely reaffirmed by ideas that I simply cannot catch a break.

I swear it's like I'm playing that board game life. I got stuck with the ugly yellow car, I chose to go in debt by going to college only to land on that Lose your job space where I'm now a the bottom of the barrel, I live in a trailer, and my car is weighed down by 35436546542 little pegs that are supposed to be children, but they're probably not even mine, just random bastards suckin me dry for what little I have left.

Or maybe it's Monopoly, and all I have in the world is Baltic and Mediterranean. I'm the wheel barrel (really...who picks that?) and I've mortaged my shitty little piece of land to pay my debts after landing on Boardwalk or Park Place with three houses, consecutively. Snake Eyes are a bitch.

Trouble and I can't get outta start?
Parcheezi and someones fuckin camel is blockin me from moving? Towel heads.

Ah, too far..too far.
So, anyway.
I worked Tuesday night. It wasn't a particularly great night, but it wasn't completely shit.
And, by complete shit I mean like Wednesday or Thursday. (Two days that are so bad that I'm embarrassed to be getting paid for.)
First a fight broke out between a co-worker (formerly known as, now) and some random piece of Isellcokeandwillprollyfuckanythingwhowillgivemeadollarortwo. I won't say I encouraged the fight, but at first I did find it more pertinent to tie my unlaced shoes rather than break it up immediately.
After it ceased, then began again I figured action was in order, so i broke it up and in the process got elbowed in the mouth.
Nothing too serious, however it did cause me cut my lip, so that everytime I eat or drink...burnage ensues.
I don't know how well you know me, but...if theres two things I like doing, it's eating, and drinking. Followed closely by fornication, and sleep.

After the bar closed and everyone was out, "roomate" helped me do my nightly closing procedure, I counted out my drawer put all the money in the safe, locked up and went the fuck home to ...yup...eat.
Early the next afternoon I was awoken by phone calls from the manager and owner telling me all the money from the three shifts wasn't anywhere to be found.
Of course, knowing that I'd bundled them all up properly and put them "safely" in the safe....this couldn't be true.
So, with major grumpage I went down to the bar, and faced the realization that...the money was in fact gone.
Approximately 700 dollars.
Now, of course, I didn't lock the safe. I never lock the safe, and truth be told, most of the staff doesn't lock the safe. Most of them have worked there or been around there for at least the better part of ....forever, so trust with money is usually not an issue.

I left at approximately 2:45 am. The cleaning guy arrived at approximately 9:00 am, where he met with one of the DJs and his girlfriend, and another bartender not long thereafter.
They were the only people around the safe until the person who discovered the missing money was, infact missing arrived.
The interesting part, is whoever took it, took the money, then locked the safe, making it look like the safe was locked the night before and the money was just excluded. This is an important part, because..I NEVER lock the safe. (lesson learned..)
So, that leaves five suspects.
One being myself, whom...I'll admit im biased towards. As I said, I do not steal, but if I were going to steal, I'd find a way to steal on a night when someone else was responsible for the money, not on a night I was..lol...it's just logic.

Two and three is obviously the DJ and his girlfriend, When I gave them the list of suspects the said I cant believe they (the other two possible culprits) would steal. I said, well...if its not either of them, then it's one of you...so would you like to rethink that theory?

Four is the other bartender/manager. I can't think of any logical reason for him to do it, but...then ...it's not logical for anyone that works there to pull sucha piece of shit move.

Five is the cleaning guy. (not boner...the other one) I happen to personally love the shit outta this person, and would prefer to blame one of the others over him, however...the fact that he did spend the night at a hotel with crackheads, and was openly heard saying he had no money, then sat in the bar drinking and buying drinks for several hours afterwards.....kinda reminds me of Operation. When you go to pull out the pencil, or the fucking wishbone, and the light goes off just barely cuz you just rouged the edge of the metal thing. So lightly that the buzzer didn't go off, but the light just flickered a bit.
Yeah.
I'm not a finger pointer, and I certainly don't know. I mean, if OJ is innocent of murder, surely theres not enough evidence to crucify the cleaning guy.

As it stands now, the money is gone. Everyone's pissed. And, I...alone, am responsible for paying back the money. (which...I'm not happy with...but I accept because it was ultimately my responsibility to lock the safe.)

The bad part is that financially I've been in sucha bad spot. Business has been slow, and tips have been even slower. It's kinda like Hungry Hungry Hippos, everoyne fighting for...whatever those little things are, and I'm the defunct hippo thats like falling off the damn board thingy, all scratched up and gettin no ....whatever those little things are that everyone else is getting.

Then, the coworker that got into the fight got fired. They want me to fill in his measley afternoon shifts so that I can earn extra money to pay back the money I have to pay back. (coughimbittercough)
It's not that that's unfathomable, its just that he worked three days a week, two of which I work at night, so..this means I'll be working doubles for a bit to pay this shit off. Which, doubles can be nice if theres a reward, but...since I'm basically gonna be working my dick off to pay back money that some random asshole disguising themself as a coworker can reap the reward.

I've pictured all four of them in different scenarios, diving into a pool of the nights credit card slips, pay out notices and torn open envelopes. Counting the dollar bills one by one by one. Tossing quarters out the window, who needs change when you can just steal money cause yer a piece of shit?!

This fiasco, coupled with everything else going on, is definitely leaving me feeling a bit discouraged.
Kinda like playing Jenga and going for a piece you know you cant pull, but trying anyway cuz its your only option. Then watching as the whole fucking thing falls in your lap, in your rum and coke thats in a red dixie cup that shouldnt be near a game that falls down, but is anyway. And, then you get even more mad cuz not only do you hafta pick a little wooden block outta yer cocktail, but you gotta set up the fucking blocks all over again because some random asshole yer with insists on one more game of Jenga, when all you wanna do is go back to playing Life with yer 3526572 kids and yer piece of shit yellow car and yer rock bottom job.

The Usual Thing.

Over the last few days I've sort of been in seclusion.
Sure, I've went to work, and played cards, and sat up late watching television with the roomate.
But, while I'm normally a person saying the things that are going on with me, I've been very guarded.

I guess I'm normally like that; pretending that nothing is wrong or whatever.

I've been thinking alot. Obviously when you've got so much going on emotionally, you can't really help but really analyze things. I've gone through a list of emotions, as anyone reading my blog could tell you.
I've really been trying to look inside myself. If anything, the hard times teach you alot about who you are. What you can handle.
It's possibly the best soul-searching method known to man.

You can go through the motions of finding who you are, listing them, and providing evidence that you are this, or will become that, but I've learned that instead of convincing others what I'm capable of, who I am, and what I can handle, it's me that needs the convincing.

I'm certainly not pleased with my whiney, over emotional state of being as of late. But, deep down I guess that's always going to be a big part of who I am, because it's been a huge part in who I've been.
I've come to grips with this part of my persona, but I sometimes fail to realize that other people may not have gotten that far, so who I am sort of gets lost in translation.

I've definitely got a war going on inside of me, which again is apparent by reading my blog.
One day, I'm all optimistic and hopeful, the next I seem beaten down and ready to give up. As a reader, I can only imagine the thoughts that might go through your head reading what I write sometimes. I guess that's a huge part of why I don't proofread, or re-write anything. I write, I post, and that's it. I don't look back. Maybe sometimes I should, but...there's this part of me that has this undying urge to write what I feel, and not have any regrets or consequences.

My life is at such a turning point. And, an extreme level of uncertainty. I don't think I have one solidified aspect of my life. Everything is in an upheaved stance. Which, is definitely not good for me and my paranoid, pessimistic moods.

I'm really struggling with trying to get on the right track. It's like I'm so close to it, yet nowhere near it at the same time. It's almost like I'm in two different worlds, standing at the same exact spot, wanting to go both forward and backward.

I have decided that I need to understand what happiness is. I'm not sure I've ever known it, simply tried to create it. I'm a sculptor. And, a shitty one.

I always try to change people. I try to make them see things my way. I try to convince them that I have the answers. I know the right way. I'm learning that it's not so simple, and that my right way doesn't always align with other peoples' right way.

I have a really hard time letting go. Of memories, ideas, hopes, dreams, regrets, failures. Most of all I can't seem to let go of the past. And, even more than that, I can't seem to let go of people.

I wish I was better at that.

I've wallowed in self pity for the last ....long time. And, if I'm ever going to change, that is the first step.
Taking it, is harder than one might seem.

But, underneath it all, I really think that I believe in myself far more than it seems.
It's difficult, but I actually do have this hidden abundance of self esteem. It's just in different areas than I'd like.
I have little self esteem when it comes to making it in the world, or doing the things I need to, and I have a shit load of it when it comes to people and relationships. Which, ironically is where I fail the most.

Lately, the boyfriend has been pulling away. More than I'm really comfortable with. I know that it's something that doesn't have anything to do with me, yet it's hard to be hurt, and not feel that it's you. I keep trying, and...it seems my efforts are futile.

I've learned alot from the few relationships that I've had.
I have used the "L-word" three times in my life. And from each time, I've learned a whole new world full of lessons.
This latest one, is teaching me some of the most important ones though.

It's teaching me things about patience, and understanding. I'm not sure I'm fully grasping it, but it's teaching me nonetheless.

Love, is such a fucked up thing. It's so......confusing and complicated.
It's the most unexplainable thing in the world.
You can be with someone for years and not feel love for them, and you can be with someone for 6 days and feel more love than you've ever known.

Im not sure the rules on the emotion, though, I think the only real rule is that when it comes to love, there are no rules.
Unfortunately, there are restrictions,repercussions, and...regrets.

I've loved three times. Is that too many? Too few?
I've said goodbye to two of those loves.
I'm not sure I'll ever be friends with one of them again. I tried to patch things up awhile back, and ..it didn't really go well.
The other, I think will end up being a close friend of mine for the rest of my life. Once the awkward times fully pass. I'm glad we're in a place where we can talk.

The third. Oh the third. The third has thrown me for a loop. It was something I didn't expect. Something, I...didn't...want. (not him...as much as the whole ordeal in general) It came at such a bad time, and...turned into something that really has changed my perspective on a lot of things.

I find it very difficult to, be there for someone, when they just want everyone to go away.
But,me, being me....I hold on. It's in my programming.
I'm not sure what's going to come of this. I'm, honestly not even sure anything will. I'm starting to lose hope.

But, all in all, I'm glad to be going through this. It's hard, but it's making me a stronger person. And, I really need to be a stronger person.

I've got two major concerns, making sure my dog is okay, and making sure the boy I'm in love with is okay.

I'm just learning that in both cases...it just might mean having to break my own heart by letting them go.

P-P-F

I was 9 years old in the summer of 1991. My dad and I had bounced back and forth every few months; living with either my Aunt Beth, or my Uncle Keith. Luckily, they happened to live right next door to one another, so everytime we'd get kicked out of one place, it wasn't so difficult to move to another.
Both homes, had a set of siblings, and myself having lived most of my life separated from my sisters, my four cousins and I became a tight-knit brood. We cared for each other, in a way that you'd only really know by our love for tormenting one another.

Unbeknownst to me, during this time my father was doing alot of drugs. It took me a long time until I realized it. In fact I think it was during an argument between my uncle and my dad, that I overheard my uncle call my dad a crackhead. I didn't really know what that meant, but I knew it was going to result in us moving. Again. My uncle made my dad leave that night, and being a 9 year old, I remained loyal. So, when my dad had to leave at 2 am, and him not being clear minded, he let me go with him.
And, for 4 nights in succession, we were completely homeless.
The first night, we slept in a park. We climbed the jungle gym type structure, and my dad used the clothes he was wearing to blanket me; the only form of shelter he could provide.
When the police came through the park, my dad panicked, and instructed me to hide in a giant bush near the center of the park.
I hid in there for what seemed like hours. Bugs, prickly stems and all. Looking back, he probably went to get a fix, smoke a rock, or whatever he did. But I sat there. And eventually he returned telling me he'd been hiding not too far and watched the bush I was in the entire time.
I slept on the wood structure that night, and when the sun rose we made our way across town.
My dad managed to steal two bicycles from two different houses overnight, so we had our own form of transportation.
We rode all around town, doing whatever it was we needed to do. I'd distract the store clerk, while my dad stole cigarettes (before gas stations wised up and kept them all behind the counter)
We'd hide the bikes in random fields,walk to store parking lots and tell people sob stories for money.
My dad would go up to strangers, tell them our car was out of gas and we could use a dollar or two to put some in the tank so we could get home. I guess the story is alot easier to believe when you've got a kid with you, but I'll never forget the looks in peoples eyes as the dug through their pockets, wallets and purses, handing over what little change they'd see fit to spare. I was ashamed, so I'd often hide behind cars or trucks so the people couldn't see me. (I still have an issue with pride, and asking people for things)
It got to the point where people stopped giving my dad the money, so he made me ask them. Because people would give it to a kid. I was instructed to cry, because it would make people feel bad.
I don't think my dad ever knew that I wasn't just pretending to cry.

We snuck into an apartment complex one night, and I slept inside of a utility closet, curled up next to an old "Eureka" vacuum. I can still remember the brown-ish and white colored vaccum bag with the dingy orange cord.
My dad said he sat outside of the closet all night, to make sure noone got in there to hurt me, because I was afraid. But, I'm not sure that he didn't run off to buy more drugs with the money I'd lied for.
One night, I slept in a black womans car. She was the wife of my dads' dealer, and my dad left me with her "husband" to go "buy food". She had other kids there, alot of them, and they weren't very nice to me. I remember she didn't want me in her house, so she took me out to her car, opened it up, told me to crack the windows and lock the doors, and my dad would be there to get me as soon as he got back.
To this day, if I'm in a car by myself at night, I freak out. I lock the doors, no matter the neighborhood, and with my head I pace back and forth, waiting for whomever.

On the fourth night, we slept in a laundromat. In the bathroom. Earlier that da my dad and I had went there (laying ground work) and he asked yo use the bathroom. He took the key to the bathroom off the keychain the attendant gave him, along with the key to all the washers.
So, when we returned later that night, and that attendant was gone, he used the key to unlock the bathroom so I could sleep. While I rested, he emptied out almost all of the washers' coin slots.
When he woke me up in the middle of the night, weighing me down with quarters, I remember feeling more shame than I've ever experienced.

After that, we managed to get one of my cousins to agree to sneak us into the house late at night, where for about a week we slept in the basement.
Eventually we moved into a trailer with some friends my dad had from his teenage days and their family.
I remember walking out to pee one night, and seeing the friend of my fathers, having sex with his own daughter, who was barely older than me.

It wasn't long after that, that my aunt found where we'd been staying, and took me to live with my grandma. My dad went to jail, and things were never the same.
The loyalty I had for him, developed into resentment, which, I ultimately let go of.

I started school in a new area, and my grandparents were wonderful. During my second or third week, I was approached by a kid that had also just started at a new school, and..had previously gone to the same school I had the year before.
He pushed me, and kicked me. And told me that my dad stole his bike over the summer. He'd just gotten it, for his tenth birthday.

I made it my goal to never have to answer for any one elses' mistakes. And, I made it a life standard, to never have to ask anyone for anything. Especially money.

I swore I'd never let drugs destroy me. And, for many years refused to do them, or even be around them.

In those days when I found myself hiding in bushes, and utility closets, sleeping alone in strange cars, and begging people for money so that I could eat, I remember being afraid. I remember feeling alone.
And, it's something that's followed me from that moment, to the very moment I write this.

My psyche creates this world, where all I can do is lash out at myself. I get a moment of sadness, and it goes from one moment to a string of moments. I can't be sad at jsut one thing, if I'm sad, I'm sad about eeeeeeverything.

Last night, my dog that I've had since I was 12 years old started having seizures. One minute he's okay, and the next minute, I'm witnessing heart breaking moments as my dog squirms and yelps on the floor.
I've never really had any significant pets, other than him. And, it's been a 14 year long......friendship.
It's weird how you don't realize just how important something is until its' fixture in your life is threatened.
I guess, I've spent all this time writing about not having any friends, that I've neglected the fact that...while he's just a dog, he's been my friend. He's been with me through everything i've experienced since 1994.
Theres been times, he's been my only friend. Which, somehow equates to him being my best friend. And, I love him.
And, now that I'm worried so much...it's like I'm going through so much.
I find myself thinking about things in my life I wish I'd changed. People I wish I hadn't forgotten.
Friends I wish I hadn't lost.
Ways I wish I'd mended.

I find myself thinking back to my youth, dissecting every event, and finding ways to attribute my failures as an adult to those things. Something I've grown successful at.

I found myself balling, and praying. Funny, how you only pray when you need something.

The thought struck me again, that my path cannot continue in this way.

I spend so much of my time, downgrading myself and my life.

And there are two reasons I do this.

A) I still hate being alone. I feel like this equates to being worthless. Like I don't matter in the world.
I know this isn't exactly fact, but how does one change a lifetime of issues, when the same cycle repeats.

B) I don't like asking people for anything.
And, it seems thats all my life is these days. Asking people for favors. Or chances. Or hope.


The times when you want to be smothered, and helped, it seems like theres noone there. And, then when you don't, it seems that its available at every corner.

I look at so much of myself, and I wonder where I managed to lose the good things about me. When did I lose my sense of humor? When did I lose that part of me that made people want to be around me?
When did I become...this.

I couldn't even tell you the last time I wrote a blog that was funny.I used to be funny. Now, it seems my blog is like the example they give you of someone you need to call Charter for.
"Reach out and help"
I'm sure there's a thin line between being able to be sad and express it, and being in a depression, or needing help.
I guess I don't feel like I need help, as much as I feel like I just need a break.

I thought I'd found my break, my good thing. And it seems like it's slipping through my fingertips, and I don't know how to capture it.

And everything, piling ontop of each other, my dads medical problems, my workplace woes/financial concerns, relationship ups and downs, my health, feeling trapped at home, and now my dog about to die, is causing extreme overload.

I spend so much time trying to convince myself that I don't need people, that I fail to realize just how opposite the truth is.

I don't really know why I blogged about all the things I did.

In summary, (lol)
There's alot of really stressful things in my life right now. Theres alot of situations I wish were different. There's a person I really wish was here. And, there's a dog that I wish was doing better.
And, theres me.Whom I wish wasn't so hard on himself.


My past is scattered. It's sad, and it's been something that haunts me still. I gotta move onward.
My present, is difficult, strenuous, and hard. I need to find comfort.
And,I need to remain focused so that my future is something more.
I'd like to be someone that other people can ....love. And, I'd like to be someone that I love too.