Tried to make me go to rehab....

Someone that I know and consider myself pretty close with was recently diagnosed as Bi-Polar. I think if everyone that I knew went to see a doctor, a large number of them would lso be diagnosed as that. I think doctors are quick diagnose people as different things. Mostly just because people in general like definitions. We like answers, results. And, the best way to give us some sort of comfort within ourselves (even if its not what we'd like to hear) is to give us an excuse. A reason.
That's not saying that alot of people aren't bi-polar. But...since when does mood swings and sudden changes in how we feel, make us need medication?
Whatever happened to just dealing with our problems?

With that said, I fully believe I'm Bi-Polar. Possibly Tri, or quad even. As, anyone that ever REALLY gets to know me can attest to.

I'm not really sure how it all came to pass.
I've always kind of been two different people. The one who projects himself as a strong, confident, happy person.Loud, and boisterous. One who doesn't particularly care what people say, or think. One that places himself first above all other things.

And then there's the private me. The one thats quiet, and reserved. Lonely, and weak. The one that sees people sad, and....feels horrible. One thats shy, and caring. Considerate and concerned with the world and the people in it. One that actually cares more about other people than himself.

I spend alot of time trying to be one these people. Instead infusing them together to create one person. One perfectly imperfect, tragically beautiful, self-lessly selfish people.
It's a balancing act I'm not so great at.

I'm a very observant person. Being a bartender teaches you things about watchings peoples' actions and body language. Lately, the things around me...are depressing.

On a daily basis I watch so many people destroy themselves and the people around them.
Losing themselves in a world of drugs or alcohol. Abandoning the ones they love.
The last few days I've watched people cry because their feelings were hurt. Someone they love treating them bad, and doing things that are destroying themselves. Someone being infatuated with someone, only to watch them leave with someone else.
It's my job to see these things. And, sometimes you can make it through without noticing the heartbreak. Sometimes you cant.
In these last few days I've seen a couple fight, only to drive off and get into an accident where, one is still hospitalized. I've watched someone else break yet another promise. Make another hurtful comment. React in ways that only distance themselves from the very things they vow to protect and cherish.

Maybe it's silly, but after awhile, it gets to you. You see that...this is how the world is. People letting other people down. Pushing other people away. Seemingly tossing away things that should matter.

I find myself getting angry, because I too fall into these categories. I see what I do, yet I make no change. I too, continue to slowly deconstruct myself.
I push too hard. I pull too fast. I run too far.
It seems that everything scares me. At least everything but the things that are actually doing the worst to me.

It's sad when you watch people squander their potential. I guess I know what some people might feel about me.
So much talent, and promise. So little drive and determination.

I feel like Amy Winehouse. Without the money. The hair. The crack.
So..I guess im not like her at all....but you get the drift.

I'm starting to come to terms with certain things. I have a pecking order of things I want for my life, and im beginning to understand that some of those things arent possible. Perhaps they never will be.

I've been so..exhausted. It seems everything has just left me out of breath. Focusing on one thing, then directly onto another and then another. Major problem after major problem. Dramatic event after dramatic event.

This upcoming year is going to be even more of that. My dad is scheduled to be released from jail in the early portion of 2009. It's, exciting..and scary all rolled into one.

I've noticed that somewhere along the way...I've stopped living.
I mean, I'm alive. But, my life is just ...wake up. work. wake up and bitch cuz yer broke cuz yer not working today.
I never have things planned, or anything.
My sole purpose in the world is to wake up so that I can pay my bills. And...that's not working for me anymore.

I've sunk into a pretty bad depression, and I find myself wanting to drink to get wasted every single day. If I'm not drinking, I'm daydreaming of little shot glasses floating by my head. Craving the next time I'll have one.

I'm reaching this point in life where I wanna completely reinvent myself. Erase the template and start over. Change what I'm doing, and where I'm going.

I just find myself lacking so many different things to do so, that it overwhelms me.
And instead of picking a place to start, I wait for the place to pick me.
And, that. is why I'm where I'm at.
Right smack dab in the middle of all the people I look at and say "its too bad. they have so much to offer...and...just throw it away".

We all need our own sort of rehab to pull ourselves out of the dark times in our lives. I don't think that means having to go away to a place of seclusion and talking to people in a circle about your problems. I think rehabilitation is a thing that really only exists in your mind.
Giving yourself the abilities to believe in yourself. Instilling hope and passion for yourself. Placing yourself in a state of mind that can overcome fear and failure and the things that try tol hold us down.
I don' t think pills, and groups are the answers to these things.
Perhaps these are things that give certain people things to believe in.
But, all of the tools are there for each every one of us.

Personally, I just wish we as people would start using them.
And, I write my name on the very top of that list.
It's time.