A Virus of the Mind.

After having my dog pee all over my bed, because he's dying and can't hold his bowels like he used to, I raged for a few moments, mostly because I'm out of laundry detergent and will now spend the night blanket-less, but also because of the complexity of my life these days.
As an avid reader you'd probably know that things aren't going well for Nick right now.

I've certainly been way down, for quite some time now. It's hard, making the adjustment from happy, to sad, and then working back up towards happy again. Especially when so many bad things keep blocking your path.

I definitely won't pretend I'm anywhere close to happy. But, my brain has given myself the allotted time to be depressed (and then some). So, I've convinced myself that being a complete bump on a log is, doing the exact same thing I've been upset with "boy" over.

If anything has proved certain it's that while you can't always help other people; sometimes they won't take it, or sometimes you just don't have the capability....you are always able to help yourself. It's one of those, mind over matter type dealio schmealio things.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't help the person I'm in love with get through his current situation. So, in order for him to do so for himself, I have to withdraw myself from the equation. It's a difficult thing to do, especially for someone like myself. But, I truly believe it's the only way he's going to get through his obstacles right now; alone.

It's definitely an emotional rollercoaster. Doing something you don't want to do, in order to save someone else, perhaps at the cost of your own feelings, ideas, and ...dreams.
I've been through so many relationship mistakes, that it seems my relationships have never been with people, but I've been dating my own different failures.
I'm certainly not calling them failures. I mean, my personal ones. I guess it's hard to explain, however I know what I mean, so thats really all that matters.

I got nostalgic, and rummaged through my small collection of things I've held onto over the years. Random cards, and letters. Stupid mementos that remind me of people.

I ran across a letter from my first love. First loves are complicated, because it's the love in which you compare all other loves to. Possibly because it's the first, so that somehow makes it the one that felt the ....strongest.
It's scary to look back on the loves of your life over a span of one year, three years. five years, or seven or eight. Ten. However long.
You notice all the things about yourself that you've lost along the way. Sometimes you notice the things you haven't lost. Or the things you can't seem to lose no matter how hard you try.

Change is a funny thing. I use that phrase alot. "love is a funny thing". "regret is a funny thing". I don't mean funny as in hahahahahaha, funny. I mean...strange. mysterious.
Its odd the things you can remember from your past. The things that once seemed all you had and all you were. Many years later while reflecting upon these things you wonder, how the hell things went from point A, to point X. How you went from one type of person to another.
How you've managed to change so drastically, yet many of the things that made you who you were remain the same.

Appearances change. Circumstance. Needs. Desires. Goals. Ideas. Habits. The places you go, the people you associate with. Jobs, Feelings. Everything.
And, through it all, I find that I'm still the same person.
Always reaching towards one goal of just being with a person that loves me with the rarest unconditional type of love that's obtainable.

No matter where I go, or who I travel there with...underneath there are things about me that...are going to remain the exact same way for the rest of my life.
These things both make me invincible, and invisible. Defiant, and defunctional. Amazing, and A mess. Beautiful and tragic.

Some ideas are just hard to let go of. I'll forever be in search of some sorta fairy tale type life. And, I think i'll always be disappointed at not having it. Probably always unable to face the harsh reality that these things don't really exist.

At the end of going through all my keepsakes, I got a little misty-eyed. I'm not sure if it's because things haven't gone according to plan, or if it's just hard to remember your life during a different phase.

After that, I packed up all the things I've had around my room that keep me remind me of these feelings.
I can't stop loving someone. It's, not really what I'm good at. So, any constant reminder of a failed relationship is something I can't have right now.

I'm trying to think positively and tell myself that while ending this relationship is the best thing fo right now, hopefully it's not the best thing ultimately. But, it's not really okay for me to think that.
I can't put my life on hold just because someone else is putting theirs on hold. It's not fair to me and my emotions.
Moving on is, incredibly hard though. But, I've been through it before. This time, its just different.
It's not someone looking at me and saying "yeah...hey..i dont wanna be with you anymore", like I've grown accustomed to.
This is way more complicated. And, alot harder than that.

This blog is totally all over the place. Typical eh?

I thought heavily this week about moving. Just packing up, and disappearing. I have a place I could run to, and I'd probably be okay there. I'd be hundreds of miles away from everything going on. But, after thinking for hooours on end, I've come to the conclusion that moving hundreds of miles away isn't going to put any distance between me and the problems in life I face.

And, I don't actually mind having to face life as an adult. I'm not really sure I'm strong enough, but I'm sure that in some way...things will work out. Maybe not to my exact expectations.
But, maybe it's time I grew out of my old mindset, and start expecting something else.

Maybe.
Who knows.

Sometimes I feel like I have this uncurable disease that causes me to think (to over think) about everything. Instead of letting things happen how they happen, I try to make it all work inside my head first. And, I'm realizing that my virus of the mind isn't making things better. It's making it harder.