Work Shit. Again.

Everyday, we face a world of different circumstances. Different people, places and things that our lives revolve around.

We are ultimately defined by these things.
The actions we choose. The decisions we make.

We are a product of the things we say. The people we stand up to. The things we back down from. The courses we follow, and the paths we stray from along the way.

These are the things make us who we are.

I find myself in a place where all of these things are clouded. Everything seems blurred.


The latest debacle in my ever-so-downward spiral called life involves work. Again.
For the second time in as many weeks there was another theft at work. A large majority of the staff was fired, including myself. Then, I was asked to return to work by the manager, who pulled me aside and basically told me that he knows me, and trusts me.

While, that was a bit of a relief, a short while later the owner came in (drunk as hell) and told me that I wasnt supposed to be there. I told him I was called by the manager and asked to work. He told me that I was "lucky" that he likes me.
Then throughout the night continued to be-little me and make me feel completely worthless.

At one point calling me a liar, and a thief. (neither of which i am...but...whatever)

At this point I'm not really sure how I feel.
I can understand management being pissed that theres a thief there. Hell, I'm pissed that there's a thief there. One person making everyone else look bad, infuriates me.

Personally, I'm upset because a) i dont steal.

I don't like people thinking that I'm something I'm not. Even though, I don't think they actually suspect me...being lumped into that group is something that bruises my ego.
It hurts my feelings.
It affects my attitude.

b) I don't like the be publicly humiliated. I don't like being called names, and yelled at. Especially in front of people. Especially when I did nothing wrong. Especially by a person so drunk that they can't even stand up.

c) I don't like people that are rude and inconsiderate, while paying you backhanded compliments. For instance "you know i love you..but...get the fuck out of here. You're fired. I don't like thieves and liars and I have too many of those. I'm sorry, and I want my computer I loaned you. Then I dont want to see you back here"

..........

At this point, I'm not sure what exactly to think. Anyone that knows my place of employment knows that the owner gets too drunk and says things that he shouldn't, and...most often doesn't mean.
I'm not sure if I have a job or don't. One minute I do, one minute I don't.
It's frustrating. It's stressful. It's...another thing on the pile of things that just have me feeling incredibly low on life.

I've got alot of pride. Too much, sometimes. I don't take well to being disrespected. And, it took every ounce of me to not unleash last night.
Instead, I stood behind the bar, with no customers (because the gas was shut off and it was freezing inside) and cried.
Alot.

I think I've finally just reached that boiling point. Everything that's been hitting me in rapid succession has finally taken toll, and I'm broken.
I'm beat.

Obviously, finding a new job is a major priority. However with my work history, finding something that isn't in a bar or restuarant (which ...I don't want to keep doing if i dont have to) is going to be difficult...

I'm tired of relying on tips to survive. Unfortunately, I don't see a silver lining.

I've been searching the classifieds...And, theres been no luck at this point.

I'm expecting a phone call tonight, letting me know if I still have a job...Which is good for the short term.

But, I realize I definitely need something better than this. It's killing my soul.

So, if anyone has any ideas, I'm open for suggestions.

Blowjobs at 2 dollars a pop is almost more self respecting at this point.

I.. can't take the insults. I'm too fragile.