Death. or. something.

Earlier yesterday morning, and throughout most of the day I was half-assed trying to figure out the words I wanted to write in regards to a man at the bar whom passed away.
There was a time in my life that I recall saying "other than my grandmother..Ive never really had to deal with death".
Then my grandfather died, and since...it seems people that I've grown to know and love drop like flies.
Having worked in the gay bar scene for practically my entire adult life....so many of the people that I've served have become ; in a sense, my family.
Not everyone you meet makes a lasting impression. Not everyone I've gotten used to making rum and cokes, or scotch and waters for, makes an impact on your life.
I have been unfortunate enough to meet some of the biggest douchebags out there. And, at that same time been fortunate enough to meet alot of wonderful people.
People that, if not for my job...probably would have never spoken to. Never gotten to know. Never grown to love.

Its funny how you dont realize things. You think that because it's your job, it somehow desensitizes you to the world and the emotions that are a part of it.

Someone that I've seen at least 3 times a week, for the past.....three years...is no longer going to be there.
And, it changes you.
It is with a heavy heart, I know that I'll never see this person again. And, even though we rarely spoke, news of his passing hit me like a brick wall, and I found myself crying almost hysterically over this person that, by most accounts....I shouldnt be so emotional over.
I wanted to write something beautiful. Something amazing, that reminds someone, anyone, or just myself of this man that...tended to stay really quiet, until he felt his voice was imperitive to a situation.

I mauled with what to say. What do you say??
He was like...80. Or..so.
I'm sure he experienced things I'll never even..understand.

And..so I let it slide, and figured I'd write about it when the right moment came along. I'd write about it when the right words come to mind.

Maybe now isn't that time. But I suddenly feel like talking about death.

It's generally, most peoples' ultimate fear. Or at least the conclusion of most peoples fear. I mean, I don't think anyone is afraid of heights and says "oh my god...i could fall of this mountain thousands of feet, and....get up and walk home"
It's "oh my god..im gonna fall and die.

Anyway...death.

Theres so many forms of it. It comes in so many facets.
I believe there is the physical death. The mental death. A spiritual death.
You can feel like death, look like death. Smell like death.

And then there are those times when you just feel dead.

Not because your tired, or sick or anything like that.
But, just because you are down. For whatever reasons. Maybe you've gone through alot.
And maybe you've just lost something or someone.

I think most people have probably experienced this at least once in their life.

Theres a whole issue with mourning over life and death. Those that keep living mourn those that they've lost.
But I wonder if those that were lost, are the ones actually mourning because we're still here?

Maybe they go to heaven or some form of whatever afterlife spot they believe in.

Maybe this place. Here. This is where hell is?
It has to be. As much pain and grief and loss and.....heartache that this life entails...I simply cannot believe that it gets worse.
I have said goodbye to people I barely know. I've said goodbye to people I've disliked. I've said goodbye to people I was fond of, and people I've loved with all I have and know.
And whether it be because of death, or just life....changing at the speed of.....change.....Each time someone that matters or doesnt matter goes away whether physically or mentally....it still feels like death.

I stand at a crossroads. Arms wide. Outstretched and trembling.
My feet buckle and my eyes cry.
And I pray to the person that controls the world. God, Jesus. Some random bag lady. You. Yourself. Myself. Whomever it be. I pray to that person.
And I ask..
For just a small bit of help.

I'm tired of losing people that matter.