A Whole New World.

I haven't been able to write in here since my last entry. Which, has been a feat in it's own. Everyday, it's all I've wanted to do. Step into this world, release everything I have built up inside.
Instead I've sucked it all in, and pretty much tried to pretend that nothings going on.

I won't go into heavy details because I'm a personal person when it comes to my relationships with people. I feel passionately about things like this, and therefore don't expose them to the vultures and drama queens that often poke their eyes and ears into the business of people whom they shouldnt.

I am no longer with the person I was with. It was not my decision, and..in fact at some point, I became a pathetic, embarrassing, unbelievably shameless person. There were alot of tears, some heartbreak, and alot of begging and pleading, that ...I wish I could take back.

I don't want to make it look like theres any hatred between the two. I don't think there is. At the same time, I don't think anyone wants to be around someone who broke their heart. It's just how it goes. It's hard. It's hurtful.

So, with a breakup...when you live together. Comes the seperation process. Which, is the hard part.
You grow so accustomed to things, and..when change is forced upon you, without a choice in the matter....it becomes difficult.
There are lots of things that I could say. Alot of things I'd regret later,..And I don't want to be that guy. I've been there before, and I'm not going to be that again.

It hurts. But, I'm stronger than I think.

I struggled with the "what am i gonna do" or "where am i gonna go" questions that everyone whose life has just been turned upside down asks themselves, and after several mental breakdowns and hysterical crying fits, I came to the decision that.....being sad about it..isn't going to accomplish anything.

Today, I signed a lease that says I am in a 12 month lease. Me. And just me.
Today, I became an individual.
I became my own person. And, other than a few things...I am going to be able to do this without help from anyone.

I have had my temps for two weeks now. I've been driving, and my actual test is Thursday.
I also move Thursday.

I got an email from my friend Angie. And, I've been bawling like a little kid since I read it.

For the first time in...a very long time. Someone said that they are proud of me. And, while my self esteem issues make it hard for me to believe that....
I feel proud of myself. For, one of the first times.

It comes with such bittersweet feelings.
The moment you become proud of yourself, comes at the expense of feeling like someone else cares about you.
And, I won't lie...it's incredibly difficult to stand tall at this moment.

But...what other options are there?

I know that once the initial drastic change adaptation is over...I'll be alright. I know that I'm gonna be fine.
But, I'm scared shitless at the same time.
And..while I'm proud that for the first time ever, I'm my own person, taking care of myself, doing things for myself....
It's also the thing I'm most afraid of.

Being alone.

My advice.. to anyone out there that doesnt think they can do things. To that person that doubts themself, or never thinks they'll be okay...Or, fears that things will never work out..
It doesnt matter.
As long as you can keep your head slightly above the shit you feel you're drowning in....eventually..Things will get better.

And, while it might not always seem that way.
For the first time ever, I know that I'm gonna be alright.
It all makes me a better person. And, eventually someone else will see that too.

I probably won't write again until after I move. Which is in TWO DAYS!

Wish me luck. With moving...and finding furniture and stuff. Because. I have absolutely nothing.

Feels like a reflection of ones self at the moment.
But, it can only get better....Right?

Always love whole heartedly. It can be the worst feeling in the world. But, if for one moment its brilliant....it makes it all worth it. Thats my advice for the day.


I have alot to look forward to. Perhaps more than I even realize. My own apartment, a new lease on life. And, theres another thing. But, I won't get into that here. It's making me smile though. And, that's a good thing.
Peace and Chicken grease.

-N-