An issue with Self Worth.

Here it is.....almost 5 am. I'm running on little sleep, and I just recently got off work, where we had a really fucking busy night and I worked my ass off. I'm sober, my feet hurt, my head is pounding, and by all accounts...I should be asleep.
But I'm not.
The longer I laid there, it seems the harder I cried.

I'm not sure if it's a Holiday thing, or just an average, everyday, run of the mill kinda thing.

I laid there thinking.....what is wrong with me?

I feel so....worthless. Without meaning. Without regard.
I have no reason. No dramatic thing to aim my tragicness toward. Just the fact that I, personally....feel... like I'll never be good enough.

Not for anything, or anyone. Not the things I want to do, the person I want to become. Who I am, even now.

I feel like a filler. Someone just taking up a spot until someone else comes along.
In work, at home. Everywhere.

I've had issues with self esteem as far back as I can remember...it's something I wish I could change.
But it lies within me. It is me. It's a part of my being that I can't escape. A part of my design I cannot reconstruct.

I feel like everyone is always disappointed. In how I act, the things I say or do. Who I am, and things of that nature. I feel like people are nice to me, only to spare my feelings.
I feel like my encounters with everyone, are just giant sugar coated, moments of make believe.

I think that I'm a nuisance to most everyone. I feel like it's often just in my own head. Then there are moments when I'm not so sure.

Over the last weeks I've been having these crazy dreams. They've also been actually coming true. Sometimes they're of little things, like dropping a lighter, or looking at the clock at a certain time. Then there's other ones. Things I'm afraid to think about. I had one this afternoon, while napping. When I woke up, it was like I was in the dream all over again. And, it wasn't pretty.
It's been bothering me all night, and ...honestly..I'll have no way of knowing if it's true or not...
Wondering about things, is worse than knowing...and not liking what you know.
All of it at once, and I'm in overload mode. My mind is racing, and I want to stop for a minute, and let everything out. Let it work it's way past me. But I can't.
I'm afraid I'm going to be this way forever. Always feeling....on the outskirts of everything. Second best. or third, or fourth. Or 3254324563426331st.
I'm afraid I'm never going to feel like I'm someone's number one. Including my own.
I'm afraid I'm gonna always be down. And, beaten.

I'm afraid of alot of things.
Whatever. It's what it is...I guess.