Me.

My entire life, I've fought a battle against feeling not good enough. Due to my upbringing, my circumstance. People I've loved, People I've lost. Those I've known and cared for, even those I've disliked or hated with every ounce of my being. I'm one giant ball of self esteem dysfunction.
I've never been with someone, who pointed out my good qualities. I've never found anyone that understood the makings of who I am, and tried to help me get past them.
I've never been told how beautiful my eyes get when I speak from my heart. I've never been told how much it hurts someone to see my eyes drowning in themselves.
I've never been told that I make someone happy.

Instead my life is littered with shortcomings.
I've been told I'm not good enough, I'm not cute enough. I'm not as good at this, I'm not as great as him. I'm too this, I'm too that.
I've never just been....enough.

More than one person has told me how mean I am. How hateful, and angry I am. I've always been made to feel that I'm the meanest person they've met. I make people feel bad. I make people feel like shit. I make people hurt.
I get this all the time. I've gotten this since I can remember.
I have been the fall guy for all things. I have ruined this, I have ruined that. And, if anything has been constant, it is that I am one at fault for everything.
I have handled this, repeatedly. It it etched into my mind. It's become a part of me. Like, my elbow. My conscience. My pinky toe. My eardrum. My epididymitis.
I have learned to accept it, despite my efforts to pretend its false.
I have over the years become hard on myself. I've become paranoid in all things. I've become used to failure, and hurt. And I've come to expect those things.
I've taken every word. I've carried it with me. Attached in my mind. Sewn around my heart. Driven into my hands.
I've made my self crucifixations. And, truth be told, I've grown to hate myself because of it.
I've grown to believe that all I will ever do, is hurt people.
I feel like a poison. A virus. A shadow lurking about. Preying upon the people around me. Feeding off whatever hardships I bring upon them.
I'm in constant search of solace. In something, in anything. Someone to make me feel safe. Someone to make me feel important. A feat noone has been capable of..my entire life. And when they've come close...I've attacked them. I've unleased a monster upon them. A monster, that is me.

I feel like noone knows me. Like noone gets me. Everyone spends so much time telling me all the bad things about myself...I feel like the good ones get lost. I feel like, How can I be anything more, than what I've been labeled.

I don't know if people get that...I have feelings also. I have problems, and I have faults. I admit that.
I get hurt too. For everytime I've been told that I make people feel like shit that I care about, I feel like shit. I beat myself up more...and become even harder on myself.

I've grown to hate my every fiber. The way I look, the way I act. The ways that have formed who I am.
I used to tell myself, that all I had was my heart. If anything, I had that. I felt I was one of the most loving and caring people, that one could meet. Sure, I mask it behind this huge giant asshole, that doesn't care what people think.
But when you really look at it, Acceptance from someone is all I've ever really been after. It's something I've never really had. It's my one true thing.
It seems the harder I search, the further I get.
And all I seem to evoke is hurt and sadness. My heart has become a product of the rest of me. And, that makes me cry.
It makes me hurt, to know that....hurt is the only thing I can accomplish. Anger, is all I can achieve.

I get so tired of this way. This person I am.
I wish I wasn't me. I wish I didn't need so much from people, and in return give them nothing but negativity.
I wish I didn't need so much love, and devotion.

I wish I was easier to love. I wish the people that I loved in my lifetime, didn't always find it so hard to love me back. Whether truth or not...I always feel like the worst thing in peoples' lives.
Harboring nothing but anger and fear....how can I bring anyone anything good?

For anyone reading this that knows me. Anyone who cares. Anyone whom loves me. And, anyone that I love, or have loved in return...
I can only give you my sincerest apologies. I'm sorry, that my hatred, and my pain...has been afflicted upon any of you in any way, shape, or form.
I'm sorry that I can't be your glimmer of hope. Your reason to stand.
I apologize if I can't be the friend you need. The smile you look for, or the heart you desire.
I regret that I'll never be good enough. Not for anyone. Not for myself.

Though there are those that may adhere to.... This is about me. No other

I'm filled with nothing but hurt. And its turned me into someone I hate.
The heart I once declared a beautiful thing....has been held to my eyes with a magnifying glass of my own accord.
And I can see why I'm only defined by my negatives.
I'm fresh out of anything else.
Everyone thinks I treat them like assholes. I've never had a lover, or a friend who hasn't said it, or implied it. I accept that.
And, because of it....I've torn myself down. I've battled myself so fiercely....that there isn't anything left.
MY confidence. The beauty one might find in my words, or my eyes. My thoughts and ideas. It's gone. All of it.

I truly am the person everyone thinks I am.
And I treat myself worse than any other because of it. My heart is drained.
I no longer pray for peace with myself, or love. Or laughter.
I pray for release. I'm unable to prove people wrong. Everyone else wins.

I treat people like no other. But believe me. It comes at a steep price.
The love for myself.
No aspect of me has ever been enough. As a family member. As a friend. As a love.
I have been told this. I have been shown this. These are things I know.
And knowing that you can never be good enough....is the absolute..worst feeling I can describe.
All I can say is I'm sorry. To all of you that know me.
I'm a giant fucking asshole. Who treats people like shit. And..I'm really...fucking sorry.
This entire blog has been written with my eyes watering. Every 45 seconds I stop to wipe it away with this kitchen towel. Though, its technically a bath towel...

*shrug*
This...is who I am.