It's Hard saying Goodbye.

First I'll warn you, this is about my personal life. So, if that bores you (it will) don't bother going any further. If it at all refers to you, directly or indirectly, know that I'm not talking bad about anyone, just blogging about how I feel, and..you happen to be in relation to those feelings either now, or in the past.



It's concerning how often in life we walk into a situation with blind eyes. Either we place our hopes so high that we ignore the warning signs telling us to back away and run for dear life, or things start so amazingly that your guard is lowered and when you least expect it something happens that completely throws everything off course and it's never the same.
It's also strange how often things that you devote so much energy towards repairing...never work. It's almost as if, once you reach a point where theres something that needs fixed, you might as well give up.

Personally, I'm one of those really weird people when it comes to relationships. I don't believe in cheating or sleeping around. I've never reeeeally done it, and I probably never will. I'm very old fashioned, however I except that some things aren't perfect, so I'm able to actually put up with alot that most people might not. Maybe it's just because my relationship history required me to do so, so it's what I've grown used to. Which, actually makes perfect sense when it comes to trying to understand the demise of the last one.
This particular person was, by all accounts...perfect for me. And, when you find someone that fits everything you've ever wanted, you find ways of messing it up without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, that it was the first relationship that I've ever been in that, ended with no reason. No closure. Just one day it was like poof.
It was a difficult time, and per usual, I tried to hang onto something that I shouldn't have. However, this time the circumstances werent the other person saying "hey...yeah. i dont want you anymore".

For the last few months I've been struggling to get past the whole debacle. Truth be told, I've had a really crazy year. At the beginning, I was in a relationship with someone that mattered alot to me, but yet...was never going to work. I think we both realized it, but held onto it for our own selfish, or selfless reasons. When that ended, I initially got wrapped up in being with someone else just for companionship sake. What developed underneath my nose, was something I never expected. Something I never wanted, and...admittedly, something I didn't fully appreciate until I was without it.

Over the months that this person spent trying to get his life together...we basically drifted too far apart.
And circumstances changed into situations that were too hard to just sit by and watch without voicing some concern.
I dunno if you've ever been on the recieving end of a voice of concern from me, but when it comes to my feelings; what i feel, when i feel them, who i feel them for....it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
Unfortunately for how I felt, ..in this time an ex arose in the other persons life, and...well. who really knows.

The last week or so, has been kind of hard for me. I mean, the whole time has been hard, but I guess there was that part of me that thought...wow..I've never met someone that cared so much, or I've never met someone that...matched up with me so well....and that part of me believed that things would work out. That things would repair themselves.

Eventually, you have no option but to lose hope. Because theres a fine line between being hopeful, and being hopeless. The very things that can build you up, can tear you down. And, when the things you wait for become less of things that help you, and more of things that hurt you....you find yourself in a very scary place.

As usual, At the conclusion of a relationship, I can say I fought for what I wanted. This time it was different though. In the past I could list my failures. The ways in which I disappointed my other half. The things that led to our demise. However, I can honestly walk away from this one, knowing that I did nothing wrong. I made no mistake. And, for the first time I can look at a failed relationship and know that I won't have any regrets that I blame myself for.

That, of course doesn't help the hurting process. Once I care for someone, I care very strongly. I care with passion. My emotions are really the only thing I'm in touch with. And, of the things I have to offer a person, the only thing that is really genuine, or powerful, or important, or of any value is those feelings.
I mentioned before that I'm 26 and I've used the L-word three times. This person was one of the three...which makes it important.

You take different lessons with you each time you end a relationship. Whether you are the one who ends it, or whether you are the one who is ended upon. Your heart breaks in a different way, but it breaks nonetheless. You lose a bit of yourself, that part that shares your world with someone else. That part that allows another person to know you,to really know you.

Hurt comes in so many ways, its almost humorous. You can spend so much time trying to calculate the ways in which it can come that you take every precaution you can think of, yet still it finds a way in.

Tonight marked the third time I've had to really say goodbye to a person. It is....not fun. It doesn't bring me any joy to add another thing to my list of screw ups. Another name, another face. Another piece.
I'd like to say it gets easier.
If someone who'd never loved before was to ask me, I wish I could look them in the eye, and say "It does get easier".
But, I don't believe that. Each time you love and lose that love, you gain a bit of insight about the world. You trek on until the next time, carrying with you a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more maturity about it all....But when it ends, you still feel the same.

I tend to be the guy that beats himself up. I typically find everything I can think of thats wrong with me (and theres alot) and I feed off of these things. I get sad, and angry, and...probably drunk, and then I cry.
And, I repeat the process until my body simply can't produce any more tears. And then I let it all build back up, and start over once I'm restocked.

This time is different. Sure, I've cried. Alot. Too much.

I can't compare it to past relationships, because it's nothing like them. I've taken something away from this failure that I can't quite describe.
Maybe it's different because there wasn't really closure. There probably never will be.

I don't think I'll ever be okay with how this happened. I don't think I'll ever understand this one.

It's the first person that I've dated that simply....doesn't want to talk to me.
Sure, I don't talk to all of my exes, but...there are other circumstances involved.
This is more of a mystery.
and, I think that's the hardest part of it all.
Not knowing.

I've had some hard moments when it comes to relationships. I've had people tell me really mean things, Ive had people completely break my heart. I've had people be kind about it, and I've had people whose hearts I've broken.
But I've never had anyone just....disappear. I've never had anyone just.....ignore me.
lol.
It's funny...but it's not.
It'll always be a person that I loved. It'll always be a person I care about.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like a person that is even interested in being my friend.
Which, makes you dig down into yourself and question why that is.
Given that I've been having sucha hard time with myself lately, I'm extremely low. But, I'm trying to refrain from getting toohard on myself, because I know first hand how hard it is to recooperate from that.
I guess I can say this.
Love is definitely the best, and the worst thing in the world.
It brings you the most happiness, and the most heartache, even when you have nothing else, or everything else.
It is the single most powerful emotion in the world. And, I have loved three pretty amzing people.
And, despite my differences with any of them...Whoever has them, or gets them is pretty lucky.

It does make you wonder if they feel the same way though, doesnt it? lol.

Alot of time has passed between two of those relationships. and, I can say that...I would never want to go back, and do things differently. I'd never want to explore that again and see what could happen.
And, I think this last one will be the first time that I can say I would.
Its difficult to say that, without feeling guilty, and stupid.
Does it mean you think less of any other relationship? certainly not. It's just that those mistakes were evident. Those reasons for failure were undeniable. Those endings were inevitable.

And, then...you feel stupid cause....how I feel, and how he feels are probably worlds apart.

I think my biggest concern is that I'll always wonder.
I'll never know.

As it all finally sunk in tonight....I kinda lost it. It was one of those moments you're glad noone gets to see. Kinda like what I look like as I write this, only less hysterical cause it's hard to type and be a mess at the same time.
But, I've got no choice but to find some hope. somewhere.
I've been in a really bad placefor a very long time. With knowing that, comes knowing that there isn't much lower I can go.

And with that comes a bit of refreshment. ..I guess life might suck now, but...it's gotta get better at some point.
And if not, at least you'll still have my blog to read to feed that hunger inside of you to read about someone who is miserable.
lol.

Or..something.