Split Personalities.

Over the last few days I've spent quite a bit of time staring at my blog, and trying to make sense out of everything thats been going on, both in my mind, and in my life.
It's been a pretty crazy time for me lately, though I've made pretty good attempts at trying to make thebest of things, and keeping myself focused on the positive things.

Sure, with everything I've been kinda down, but truth be told, even when im up, im down. I guess I'm just that kinda person. I always find faults in things. I always find the mistakes. I guess it's just easier for me to focus on the negatives than the postives.

I've struggled with finding exactly what I want to write. It being the holidays, and me finding myself in a position where everyone around me seems to have someone, I've kinda felt like the odd man out. Which, again is nothing new. Even when I'm right smack in the middle of things, all evened out and fitting in, I kinda always feel like the outsider. It's just a debacle I have with myself. Insecurites, and blah blah blah.

The holidays are usually extremely hard on me. This year, seemed alot easier because I decided to cook a christmas dinner and invite some friends over.
I've never been known as much of a cook, but I've definitely changed alot, and...after cooking a dinner for 9 people, and it going amazing..I've realized that I'm capable of surprising myself.
The food was amazing, everything was made from scratch, and I mad ethe best of a holiday that usually leaves me feeling kinda depressed.
It was the best Christmas I've had in quite a few years, and I accomplished something that while seemingly silly to most, made me feel good about myself.
I'm capable of succeeding at things, even if they are something as stupid as making Christmas dinner for your friends.

With that said, .Times are interesting. I'm dealing with a few issues related to my last break up, and both of my closest friends suddenly find themselves in relationships.
I'm not used to being the guy that's single while the closest people to me are in relationships, so it makes me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't like to feel like a third wheel. I don't like to feel like I'm making them alter their plans so they can include me.
I don't like being a burden.
However, I do often place myself in a role that competes for that description...it's not something i enojoy, as much as it becomes a circumstance where I try too hard to not be that, that...thats exactly what I become.
I'm chugging along, and trying my best to adapt to what happens around me. New territory is new territory, and..it's difficult sometimes to make those adaptations. ..All in all, I'm doing a fair job. Instead of making a big deal over something that hurts my feelings or makes me feel threatened or inadequate, I've decided to just let it go. Suck it up, move past it, and make personal adjustements to avoid the same occurance in the future.
Sometimes, I find myself laughing hysterically at the situations I find myself in, I'm convinced that noone else in the world can be even half as good as I am, and placing myself in a bad, awkward, or inappropriate situation.
As time passes I find myself more and more a stranger. I'm not sure if that's bad or good, or whether those things can even really be measured. I know that I'm nothing like I used to be. I've gone through so much, I've changed so much.
And, even if noone sees it, or noone cares. I'm a different person. And, I'm both extremely proud and extremely ashamed.
I feel like I've changed both the best, and the worst parts of me, and in turn have created new best and worst parts.
I'm both ugly and beautiful.

I have faith in myself. I'm not used to that. I, actually believe that with the proper focus I can be one of those people that succeed. I can be that guy that proves people wrong. I am that guy that proves himself wrong.
And, with that confidence also comes doubt.

I struggled to write a blog for the last few days, and after reading a blog an ex wrote, I suddenly felt inspired.
He wrote about missing people from his past. Respecting people, forgiving people. Missing them.

And it kinda clicked with things I've been feeling.
The places that I've worked, the lifestlye I've led..I've met alot of amazing people. Alot of bastardfaces too. but, alot of people have left a lasting impression on me.
Alot of people have mae me into the person I am.
Maybe theres those people that think that's not a thing to be impressed with. And, to those people I'd sa that you don't really know me.
I'm grateful for so much. And, at that same time, regretful for so much.
I certainly have made alot of mistakes.

I guess with everything that I've endured, I've taken a very...overpowering stance.
Too much pride, and too many strong feelings.
For a very long time I've let kindness take a backseat, and have let arrogance, or attitude take control.
Anger, or some other emo-type emotion.
After reading the blog, which I'm sure had nothing to do with me,...I felt inspired to tell people that I've neglected how I feel.
I felt like telling the people that I love, or have loved...that they matter. Even if my love is different....they matter.
I felt like telling everyone that's ever been my friend, current or not...thank you. Thank you for being there when you were...And...thank you for not, because it has helped me too.

I felt like saying I love you, to all of those people that have given me hope. All of those people that have helped me, or needed my help.
I felt likegiving the world one giant hug, because I spend so much of my time giving the word one giant middle finger, that I forget that it's not all shit.

And, then I read some comments that people lefton the blog.
And I got angry. I immediately took offense, and got angry with someone for blatantly attacking me personally on my ex's blog. (though..im not full sure its me he was targeting....im pretty positive)
And..my initial reaction was to lash out. Leave a nasty comment. Write a blog unleashing an arsenal. And, then I realized that, that would be what's expected of me. That would be, who I've been before.
And, while parts of that guy linger....I'm not that same person. I don't need to react in those same ways.
I don't feed off the same counterattacks that I used to.

And I won't let myself get involved in a debacle with someone who is so clearly needing to feed off of the same negativities that I once did.

Now, thats not to say that I'm not angry. Because I'm enraged.
But, I don't need to salvage my self respect through anyone elses' opinions. Not anymore.

I will,however say this.
When you are in such a position, that you do not have enough balls to say how you feel about someone to their face when given the opportunity...and less than 24 hours later write hateful, spiteful things on their ex boyfriends blog about them....You should probably stop evaluating their life, and their emotional handicaps, and turn the focus onto your own life.
I could list plenty of things about this person, with the sole purpose of pissing them off in return, or tring to embarrass them, or make them feel insecure or upset that someone feels a certain way about them, but I don't have any need to do so. The fact that you've let your feelings get to the point that you had to get so nasty, and....on someone elses' blog...proves your weight in the world.
Good luck chasing your own demons.

And...I will be speaking to you in person. Because if there is anything I hate, it's a two faced, fucking bitch.
Say it to my face, or shut the fuck up. It's just the right thing to do.
I'll even hold your fucking head up off of the bar so you can speak the words.
That is, if you can get it out of B's ass.


I don't expect everyone to like me....Cause lord knows I dislike alot of people.
I do however expect people to have balls. Especially if their gonna stand on a soapbox and act like someone else is being the drama queen.

And that, is how I feel. I don't wanna be the guy I've been before.

But, the old me, the one that is trying his best to be a better person, and not be a hateful fucking cunt, has this to say....
Craig, can lick my fucking nuts. Then, hopefully die in a fiery crash.
While yer loading that gun, please...do me a personal favor (since you owe me that much for a) lying to me, b) lying about me c)lying to me about your friends then lying to your friends about lying to me and d) being a general douchewad in general,...and turn the fucking thing on yourself.


Unlike him, I have no problem mentioning his name, or saying it to his face.

That's how I roll....You can call me a bitch, but at least I'm upfront, honest, and dont hide anything I have to say.
Mother fucker.

lol.

Gnite!