The Usual Thing.

Over the last few days I've sort of been in seclusion.
Sure, I've went to work, and played cards, and sat up late watching television with the roomate.
But, while I'm normally a person saying the things that are going on with me, I've been very guarded.

I guess I'm normally like that; pretending that nothing is wrong or whatever.

I've been thinking alot. Obviously when you've got so much going on emotionally, you can't really help but really analyze things. I've gone through a list of emotions, as anyone reading my blog could tell you.
I've really been trying to look inside myself. If anything, the hard times teach you alot about who you are. What you can handle.
It's possibly the best soul-searching method known to man.

You can go through the motions of finding who you are, listing them, and providing evidence that you are this, or will become that, but I've learned that instead of convincing others what I'm capable of, who I am, and what I can handle, it's me that needs the convincing.

I'm certainly not pleased with my whiney, over emotional state of being as of late. But, deep down I guess that's always going to be a big part of who I am, because it's been a huge part in who I've been.
I've come to grips with this part of my persona, but I sometimes fail to realize that other people may not have gotten that far, so who I am sort of gets lost in translation.

I've definitely got a war going on inside of me, which again is apparent by reading my blog.
One day, I'm all optimistic and hopeful, the next I seem beaten down and ready to give up. As a reader, I can only imagine the thoughts that might go through your head reading what I write sometimes. I guess that's a huge part of why I don't proofread, or re-write anything. I write, I post, and that's it. I don't look back. Maybe sometimes I should, but...there's this part of me that has this undying urge to write what I feel, and not have any regrets or consequences.

My life is at such a turning point. And, an extreme level of uncertainty. I don't think I have one solidified aspect of my life. Everything is in an upheaved stance. Which, is definitely not good for me and my paranoid, pessimistic moods.

I'm really struggling with trying to get on the right track. It's like I'm so close to it, yet nowhere near it at the same time. It's almost like I'm in two different worlds, standing at the same exact spot, wanting to go both forward and backward.

I have decided that I need to understand what happiness is. I'm not sure I've ever known it, simply tried to create it. I'm a sculptor. And, a shitty one.

I always try to change people. I try to make them see things my way. I try to convince them that I have the answers. I know the right way. I'm learning that it's not so simple, and that my right way doesn't always align with other peoples' right way.

I have a really hard time letting go. Of memories, ideas, hopes, dreams, regrets, failures. Most of all I can't seem to let go of the past. And, even more than that, I can't seem to let go of people.

I wish I was better at that.

I've wallowed in self pity for the last ....long time. And, if I'm ever going to change, that is the first step.
Taking it, is harder than one might seem.

But, underneath it all, I really think that I believe in myself far more than it seems.
It's difficult, but I actually do have this hidden abundance of self esteem. It's just in different areas than I'd like.
I have little self esteem when it comes to making it in the world, or doing the things I need to, and I have a shit load of it when it comes to people and relationships. Which, ironically is where I fail the most.

Lately, the boyfriend has been pulling away. More than I'm really comfortable with. I know that it's something that doesn't have anything to do with me, yet it's hard to be hurt, and not feel that it's you. I keep trying, and...it seems my efforts are futile.

I've learned alot from the few relationships that I've had.
I have used the "L-word" three times in my life. And from each time, I've learned a whole new world full of lessons.
This latest one, is teaching me some of the most important ones though.

It's teaching me things about patience, and understanding. I'm not sure I'm fully grasping it, but it's teaching me nonetheless.

Love, is such a fucked up thing. It's so......confusing and complicated.
It's the most unexplainable thing in the world.
You can be with someone for years and not feel love for them, and you can be with someone for 6 days and feel more love than you've ever known.

Im not sure the rules on the emotion, though, I think the only real rule is that when it comes to love, there are no rules.
Unfortunately, there are restrictions,repercussions, and...regrets.

I've loved three times. Is that too many? Too few?
I've said goodbye to two of those loves.
I'm not sure I'll ever be friends with one of them again. I tried to patch things up awhile back, and ..it didn't really go well.
The other, I think will end up being a close friend of mine for the rest of my life. Once the awkward times fully pass. I'm glad we're in a place where we can talk.

The third. Oh the third. The third has thrown me for a loop. It was something I didn't expect. Something, I...didn't...want. (not him...as much as the whole ordeal in general) It came at such a bad time, and...turned into something that really has changed my perspective on a lot of things.

I find it very difficult to, be there for someone, when they just want everyone to go away.
But,me, being me....I hold on. It's in my programming.
I'm not sure what's going to come of this. I'm, honestly not even sure anything will. I'm starting to lose hope.

But, all in all, I'm glad to be going through this. It's hard, but it's making me a stronger person. And, I really need to be a stronger person.

I've got two major concerns, making sure my dog is okay, and making sure the boy I'm in love with is okay.

I'm just learning that in both cases...it just might mean having to break my own heart by letting them go.