New Year Updates

Before I write my next blog, I'd like to address an issue I have.
The guy whom I wrote about in my last blog, referred to reading my blog and my "emotional cutting". This person knows nothing about me, excpet what little he's picked up from heresay, and from reading my blog.
So, if what you've read leads you to believe that I'm a mess, and I throw a pity party and as you so delicately put it "you're so sick of it" that you're ready to hand me a knife....Here's a valid thought...

STOP READING MY BLOG.
I'm certainly not out spamming people, tricking them into coming here and reading what I have to say. Therefore, you make your own decision to come and read it. So, if you are truly tired of it, then you wouldn't continue. But, truth me told, I think that sad, lonely, bitter, angry, "noone loves me" part of you, doesn't allow you to stop reading my blog. Because if....we were being totally honest I think you relate to the things I write more than you care to admit.
The difference between the two of us, is that I'm not afraid my feelings. I have no problems letting people read them, because they make up who I am. This, might make me come across as an "emotional cutter", but it also makes me real. It makes me human. It makes me someone who doesn't hide who he is.
And, it makes me unlike you, you sits and pretends to be happy, when everyone knows you're not.

I don't mind having drama with you, but lets keep the drama on the table and open. Lets not keep it on the downlow. If yer gonna be a douchebag to someone for no reason, make sure you do it openly, and not like a coward who can't stand up for the things that he says.

Again, if you don't wanna listen to what I have to say, click the x, bitch. I'd rather you didn't read anyway.
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Things have gotten extremely crazy for me lately.
I suddenly find myself working like crazy. The manager quit/got fired/whatever happened, happened. And, I've somehow been anointed with his shifts. This pleases me, because it's good money. However, it creates alot of chaos between co-workers who....may, or are jealous or angry because they feel they might be more deserving.
It also causes personal grief, because the manager is/was/is my friend...and I feel bad. However, someone's gotta do it, and..I'm fine with making money for a change.
There's talk of me being the manager, which is false. I'd welcome some more responsibility, but I don't know that I could be in charge of these people. Mostly because they're my friends. I care about them, and if I were to find myself in a position of power, I'd be forced to make decisions that would probably ruin some of those friendships.

It's a confusing place. When does your own personal survival and success, start or stop becoming more important than bonds you've made with people in your life. It seems it should be pretty cut and dry, however...it's not.

I had a discussion with a friend about perception. I feel really negatively about how most of my coworkers perceive me. I think most of them think that because I'm younger, and less mature, and at eyes' glance a bubbly, goofy, and spastic kinda guy, that this somehow makes me less capable of things. As if it somehow places me on a lower level than them.
This bothers me, and admittedly could be an overreaction. An unvalid assumption. But, it's just the feeling I get.
There's this giant part of me, that just wants to prove them wrong.
Maybe I have alot of people I wanna prove wrong. Maybe I'd like to prove myself wrong.
At the same time, maybe I'd like to validate some of my more...overconfident feelings as well.

It's an interesting place,regardless.
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I'm addicted to Guitar Hero. I'm horrible on the drums, horrible on the guitar, and horrible at the singing portion. But, I'm trying my best to be a rock star.
Singing is definitely my strongest suit of the three.
My roomate, his boyfriend and I have created our own band called "The Choochawuwus".
We're the shit. lol
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My personal life, is in complete shambles.

I recieved a comment on one of my past blogs that I'd written about the last ex boyfriend. I don't know who left it, and I've spent alot of time trying to figure out who it could be. Truth is, I have no idea. There's that part of me that hopes or wishes it was him. Then there's that part of me that wants to smack the shit out myself for even letting myself think that.
I read it, and it made me cry. And, then I cried because I was crying over it.
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss him....Even if just his friendship.

With that, I've been talking to someone. He's really nice, and our sarcastic personalities align. However some circumstances stand in the way that would certainly make things difficult.
And, he's also quite young, which kinda goes against my rules.
There is however something that intrigues me. I guess we'll see.
Somehow it just still ends up.....all confusing.

What's the right thing to do. The ultimate question. The typical stalemate.

Truth be told, I'm not sure the lines between right and wrong are so clearly drawn anymore. I've gone through a crazy time, and I find myself a different person.
Doing things I wouldn't normally do. Associating with people I wouldn't normally associate with.
Sacrificing parts of myself for different reasons that..I wouldn't normally sacrifice.

Ive made some decisions over the last few weeks and months that I'm probably not fully proud of. I could justify the reasons or try to explain my thought process, but...there's really no need.

I'm torn between feeling sort of ashamed of myself, and feeling sort of released from some of the limitations and restrictions I've acquired over the years.

I truly am a person I don't know anymore. And, its both frightening, and exhilarating at the same time.

I've had so much on my mind, so much stress. It's been amazing to just give that up for awhile and try to just....live.
Though, the thinker, the dreamer, the hoper, and ...all of the other amazing parts of me that make up my better parts....tell me that I'm a giant fool.
I can't help but feel kinda disappointed in myself.
One of those "what have I become" kinda things.
It's up and down. Ying and Yang. Good and Bad.
I sudddenly dont measure some of these things in the same way. So, everythings' all backwards.

I just...dunno anything anymore.
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I'm both the happiest, and the saddest I've ever been in my life. It's a difficult place to be in, let alone try to describe.
I guess I gotta take things one day at a time. Or. something.
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I've gotten to see my sisters more recently. They've come out a few times lately,and for the first time in 9 years I got to see my youngest sister Angel.
It's strange for me, seeing them. I'm not used to the feeling. It's one I welcome, and I'm thankful for, it's just...new.
The very protective-older brother thing pops up and I'm like..."wtf...when did I become so.....concerned for other people".
Truth be told, I barely know them. But, Ive never really felt this completely natural and raw emotion of love before. It's one of those "id do anything for you" kind of feelings.
I realize what a huge loss we've all experienced by not seeing each other and having more of a relationshop before. And, it makes me really happy that...that is changing.
They're so....grown up. And, fun, and intelligent. Talented, each in their own way. And, beautiful. It's like...mind blowing sometimes that those little girls I hadn't seen in so long, are now these adults.
And, that long-lingering question of "do they care about me" or "do they miss me, or love me" has been answered.
It's a huge weight kinda lifted offa me.
And, it ignites excitement inside of me to get to know them. To hang out with them.
I dunno. It just...makes me feel good.
And, I know that they feel the same way. It's... cool.
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I'm actually making alot of progress within myself. I'm still a mess.... but, I continue to grow. I won't say I' anything amazing now, but..I'll get there at my own pace.

I decided against resolutions for the new year. Truth is, I've never had a resolution. I don't need the start of a new year to ignite spark in me to change something. I should have that spark no matter the time of year. And, if I don't....that's why it won't ever change.

I did however set one goal.
By years' end, I want to have written my first novella.
I'm not going to put some expectation into actually having anything published. But, I'd like to have that accomplishment made.
I need to make that a reality.
My dreams are never going to come true if I don't try to make them.
And, neither will yours.
So, I encourage everyone to do something that will put them a step closer towards those dreams.

I look forward to this year. I think it's going to be the most influencial one in my life, in a very long time.

Happy New Year everybody.
I hope everyone gets the chance to experience something amazing.