Me, Myself, and Heath Ledger.

The human psyche is very interesting to me. Understanding why different people make different decisions, trying to grasp their points of view, taking the time to put yourself in someone elses' shoes to fully wrap yourself around how someone else feels, acts, and reacts to a situation...it all intrigues me.

For instance. If you really delve into your history. Starting from your childhood, to where you are in life at this exact moment...and really dissect the different choices you've made....things you've done and not done.....you'll probably find a pattern to it all.
The goodness. The mistakes. You're almost guaranteed to find a connection. That is, if your able to reeeally look at things and understand the meaning behind them.

For instance.
I myself, while having three sisters...was raised as an only child. I had family members that were on and off in closeness, but for the most part...I was by myself alot. I hated it. And, to this day...hate being alone.
I feel like, its a fault in me, and that because people arent always around....it must mean that I'm not likable. (Which..is ridiculous..I'm a good time)

I was never forced to share. Infact, often times I was encouraged by my grandfather, and my fater to not share my things. Because, they were in fact...mine, and noone elses. To this day, when I see someone touch something thats mine, in my head I think "hey....thats mine..get yer hands off". I'm not all....jewish about it. (thats not hatred..thats funny truth) but, for a fleeting moment, an alarm goes off in my head saying.." hey...hey...some bitch has their hands on your lion slippers....tell them to get their own".

I have an issue with affection. Probably because I grew up with just my dad, and..he grew up in a home that....instead of hugs, his father figure handed out closed fists to the face. So, he didn't know how to express himself. I never recieved alot of affection. My affection was shown in presents.
To this day, I always tell people I don't need presents. They don't matter. Granted, they're nice. I also crave affection. I want to constantly be told good things, or shown love. I want to be adorned with hugs and kisses.
I learned to show "love" through sex.
To this day, my boyfriend gets home from working a 12 hour day at a place where he works his dick off at, and because he's so tired and has to work in the morning, and I run him ragged with different things to do....often he's too tired.
Instead of being patient and understanding, I get upset and give him the cold shoulder.
Not because I'm actually mad, but somehow...in my mind..that equates to....me not being good enough, or him not being attracted enough to me, or something else that my mind makes up...because I'm used to convincing myself that there's something wrong with me. It sometimes get to a point that, is almost ridiculous. Somewhere, underneath...I become this childish little boy...not differentiating between how I've been made to feel before, and that it's not the same now.
Maybe that goes back to my abandonment issues, or my molestation crap.

Everything forms you into the person you are. And, sometimes it's just amazing to look back on it all, and realize just how you got where you are.

I personally, am trying to break the mold of who I've been. How I've grown into the insecure, paranoid person that I am. It makes it extremely difficult even to think, because I'm always second guessing everything that everyone says with a negative outlook or expectation.
But, its very difficult. When you've been used to seeing the negative things in people your entire life, it's really god damned hard to just.....shear that from your thought process.

*shrug*

With that schpeel out of the way.
Unless you live under a rock (Osama lives under a rock...and even he's prolly heard) Heath Ledger died.

I'm not going to say it's not sad, because it is. Death in general is pretty sad. Unless I hate you, then it's still kinda sad, but just not for me.
I'm not at all happy that he's dead, nor do I think it's funny, or anything like that.
But I will say this.
He was a decent actor, in a world full of decent actors. He didn't end workd hunger, or achieve world peace. He'll mostly be remembered to the world as one of the guys in the "movie about queer cowboys". Which, is what it is. I was neither a fan, nor someone who didn't like him. My thoughts are.. "damn..he's hot....why do hot people die, and Jack Black still chugs along?"

But after I got the FIFTH. (yes...5) text message about his death, I got irritated.
A few weeks ago when Benazir Bhutto was assassinated...noone texted me.
Noone messaged me to say " FWD: FWD:FWD FWD someone that actually changed the world for the better...has been brutally killed.....pass this on if you believe in uniting the world through peace."

When Luciano Pavarotti died, noone texted me to say " Hey...this is random but one of the most influential musical voices of all time just kicked the bucket.....listen next time yer in an elevator or on hold and thin of the dude".

When Lady Bird Johnson died, noone texted me to say "um..some former first lady died. I dont know what the fuck she did that made her important..but I know she did something..so...remember her legacy"

Even when Jerry Falwell died, noone texted me to say "thank god..that hick, hate-filled son of a bitch is dead. praise jesus, I hope some big black homo with a 14 inch dick is fucking that fat fuck so hard in hell that his kidneys are gonna fall out of his hypocritical asshole....buttfuckers unite in honor!"

Nothing.
But, Heath Ledger. Star of a gay movie, and a few other crappy ones. (and...the newest Batman..which..i'll say...looks like he's gonna be reeeeeal reaaaal good) makes sucha noteworthy impact on people, that they're posting shit on myspace like "oh my god..actor dead and im in shock". Texting shit like "OMG did U hear Heath Ledger OD'd. Or maybe killed himself. Or maybe Mary Kate Olsen did it, it was in his house. I'm so sad..I'm gonna watch Brokeback Mountain again and drink some hot cocoa, until I masterbate briefly to the "sex" scene, then go to sleep. By Thursday I'll forget about him until the next awards show when they show all those dead guys. OH BTW. You know where I can score some more blow? I'm out"

It's bullshit.
It's people, and medias fucked up way of exploiting everything. I'm a believer that, in death..should come peace. He died. We can't change it. We don't need to know how he died, or why, or what he was wearing, who the last person he text messaged was. What the last thing he had for breakfast was. What drugs he was on. That is not our business.
Get the fuck over it.
And, if he did OD, ....a bunch of people are gonna be like "this is so sad....young actors dying..etc..etc." The headline "Actor in Gay blockbuster dies of OD". Everyones' gonna talk about how unfortunate it is.
And. yeah. It sucks. But it's life.
I don't think it's sad.....I think it's pathetic. People having all they want in life and they blow it on drugs.
(and this is my opinion on anyone who dies of drugs...not just Heath Ledger. And...Even if it turns out he didn't OD...several have before him...and several will after him. This will not go away. Ever.)
So..stop fucking texting me about it.

And..that's a wrap.