Mumbo Jumbo

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of writing something great. Something regarded in my own mind as....beautiful. A piece of work that somehow validates who I am.
It's difficult. Everything really. I call myself a writer, but I can't write. I call myself a good person, yet noone seems to agree with that.
I say I'm this, or I'm that. I say I'm honest. Yet, all I do is lie to myself.

I want something more. More than what I have, more than what I am. More than what I've convinced myself I'm capable of.
I've always told myself that writing is what I want to do. It's what I want to be. It's who I am. But, I look at everything, and I think..maybe it's not who I am. Maybe I'm like one of those tragic people who wants to be a ballerina, but has no feet. I want to be a writer. But, I can't be a writer if I can't write.
This same formula applies to everything else also. I can't keep trying to make myself into this person that I'm not. I can't try to be anything other than what I am.

I've never really liked myself. Ever. Maybe that's why I try to be something different. I try to be funny so people will laugh at me, and I get a brief feeling that....someone likes me.

I guess it's a fair statement to say that I'm a mess. I've always been a mess, and I don't really know how not to be one. It comes naturally. Like breathing. Or looking at someone who's picking their nose.

For as long as I can remember, I've searched out acceptance. I find different ways of winning that over with different people. Some people feed off of my negativity towards random people. Some people like that I can be funny at the drop of a dime. Some people like that I'm more than that...and if given the opportunity to show it...I'm actually a very deep, and kind person. I've never really gotten to know who I am, because I've never really felt good enough about the things about me to know if that's what I want to be.

I couldn't count the times I've been told how mean I am. How hateful and hurtful I am. How poorly I treat people. I couldn't count the times I've taken that and pretended that it didn't bother me. Nor could I count the times that I've been hurt in return.

Over the years, I've learned how to be an excellant judge of character. I've learned how to understand when people are lying, when they're pacifying you. I've studied the way people behave not from reading it in a book, but from watching it.

I, personally have been lied to alot over the years. And, it's something that I've grown to hate more passionately than any one thing a person can do.

I think that people sometimes don't take everything into consideration. Maybe they don't believe in the whole "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" kind of thing. I'm not sure.

I get tired of being the villain. I'm automatically cast in that role no matter what I do. No matter what I say.

Even when I'm not wrong, I'm wrong for having been wrong so much before that it just expected of me.
I face it everywhere. It's at home, it's at work. It's etched into my brain so much...that it's the only definition I have of myself anymore.
And that's a lonely feeling.

Basically...it sucks.
I've been told that noone that comes into the place I work at, likes me. The comment has been made several times by my owner. I know that, deep down that isn't a fact. I know that he doesn't even mean it himself. But the fact that it's said at all ....hurts me. And that goes for alot of things that alot of people say.
Because I tell people that I don't know, or don't like , exactly what I think of them, it often gives people this perception of me. Something like I'm this cold hearted ice queen, who is so vicious. And maybe that helps them when they decide to say things that hurt me.

It's interesting how people validate their behavior. I, myself included.

We...simply don't think about our actions. And, often times we do, but just don't care.

I know this. I am guilty of alot of things. I've crucified several people for unjustified reasons. And, in that same token, I've let people do things that affect me that have gone unmentioned.
I've judged myself, and others very harshly for things. And I often say things to people, that come out wrong and make it seem different than it is. I've made myself a martyr to ease my guilt. And, I've also made myself a villain just to please other peoples needsto be right.

But, I'm not all bad. I can't be all bad. Can I?
If every person that reads this.....and thinks to themselves "Nick has been an asshole to me".
I want you to think about every single thing that you, yourself has done. Every word you've spoken. Every action you've made. Every secret you keep.
I think all of you will find that....with a microscope pointed at you, you too could be exactly what I am.

In a weirdly related kinda way....that's why I've wanted to be a writer. It gives me a chance to live in a life different than my own. Maybe I can be socially accepted by people. Maybe I could live in my minds' fairy tale, and feel....beautiful for once. I can be okay, and wanted and loved and appreciated and adored.
I can be everything that for my entire life I've felt I'm not. I can write a character that fits my ideals. I can make up someone that...is exactly what I want them to be.

I'm so critical of myself. In such an extreme way. And, all I really want in life is one person to tell me that I'm more than what everyone always thinks I am. Someone to understand me. And, see what I've gone through, and tell me that I'm good enough to go through more. I wish that, for the first time ever in my life...I was defined by the better parts of me. And not just ridiculed for my faults.
I guess this is probably how most people feel. But all I am is me.
All I have is my thoughts. My feelings.

And, contrary to popular belief...I do have them.

I know that when reading this, certain people will automatically assume that this blog is dedicated to them. Other people reading this will automatically assume that it's about someone else.
This blog is about me and only me. If you feel a portion of it somehow relates to you, then I suggest you reevaluate things about yourself such as I am.
I want to be a better person than I have been. A better one than I am.

I'm ready to become a person who is who they are for themself. I'm tired of being someone I'm not happy with.
I'm realizing that I can't keep basing how I feel about myself, on how other people feel about me.
Fuck everyone else.