A New Year

Over the last week or so, I've toyed with different things to write in here. Different ways to express the roller coaster I've been on since the week before Christmas. Ultimately, I haven't because.....once you start opening up your mind to the people that read your diary, you have to start editing your thoughts.
In this instance, I don't want the people that care about me, and that I care about to read some of the things I felt in this time. I don't want people to get the wrong impression, and I don't want people to feel worse about things.
I'll just say, that Christmas, sucked. I had a very emotional event occur while I was working, with a family member that..changed me instantly. I haven't really talked about it much, its not one of those things you want to sit down over a coffee colada and a blueberry muffin and talk about.
But, at the same time, its not something I want to bury and pretend that it didn't happen. I've spent a lifetime burying the things that I'm afraid of. The things that have hurt me. And, the only way I can unbury some of those things, is to stop putting other things ontop of it all and covering it with more dirt.
It's small steps. Or, whatever.
The week following Christmas was pretty nice. The person I'm dating was out of town for the holidays. It was lonely...but his arrival back to town was nice.
New Years Eve was last night. and...for the first time in a long time I had someone to bring in the new year with.
The last few New Years' have come at a time where I wasn't with anyone, for whatever reasons. It's one of those times that when you're alone for it, and everyone starts kissin and what nots...you get down on yourself...like "what the fuck is wrong with me....Rhea Pearlman has someone to make out with...and I'm alone"
I got to skip that this year...and I'm thankful.
The night went well until the very end. Some hardcore drama broke out while at work. Hopefully it all blows over, and everything ends up okay. I guess we'll see.

I find myself almost shocked at the fact that it is 2008. It seems like so much time passes, in such little time. It seems it wasn't long ago that I was living in Bowling Green, going nowhere with my life.
Now I'm in Toledo. Still going nowhere. But, more steadily.
I've changed alot in this last year. More than people probably actually think.
I ironed myself. I quit smoking again. Then started again, and...quit again. I quit using drugs.
I homewrecked. I lost some friendships that I'd held onto for too long. Not because they were great friendships, but...because they were all I had.
I gained some new friends also, but sometimes it's easier to acknowledge the things you've lost, rather than the things you've gained.
I fell in love, unexpectedly. Twice.
First with Harry Potter.
And then with someone that isn't a work of fiction.
It's always complicated. I don't think love is supposed to be simplistic. It would be easier if it was, that's for sure. But, I guess you take the good with the bad.

I paid off my ticket this year, and am finally getting my ass in gear. Hopefully by the time I'm writing my year in review for 2008, it entails me having my own vehicle for the first time ever, and lists my having a new job as one of my accomplishments.
But, one day at a time...One task, then another.
Small steps.

In the upcoming months, my life is going to change. From something it has been for years, into something it hasn't been ever before. I'm afraid. I fear change. That's probably why I don't change things that often. I'm petrified of the unknown.
I'm not really sure where I'm headed. I don't know where I want to end up, or how I'm gonna get there, or any of that over-analytical bullshit.
I do know that I'm excited to no longer be dormant. For better or for worse.

I can't say that 2007 was a bad year. It wasn't a great year....all in all, not too shabby.
Far better than 2005/2006, that's certain.

If 2008 stays on the same exact level as 2007...I can be content with that. But, then again........better is always better.

Happy New Years Kids.