The Singing Bee

You know you want to be a writer when the phrase "Oh my god, I need to blog about that" comes out of your mouth on a daily basis.
For example..I learned that the boy I'm seeing has never seen the movie Beaches.
My response. "You've never seen Beaches? Who hasn't seen Beaches? The Wind Beneath My Wings? The Bette Midler/ Barbara Hershey classic?! This is a blog of its own"
I mean, seriously. If you haven't seen Beaches...you've been seriously deprived. It's like..how every young homosexual man learns what true friendship is. It teaches you that friendship means having to take care of yer friends' bitchy ass kids even though you'd like nothing more than to cut the little bitch into small pieces and feed them to your mother in law.
Or..something.
I instantly snatched his tiara off his head, and his prada shoes off his feet. Replacing them them one of those "put it together yourself" Burger King crowns and a bright yellow pair of those anti fashionista yet oh so comfortable Crocs.

Things like this happen quite often in my world. Some random thing happens or something new is entered into my life, I often think "Omg..I need to blog about this".
Sometimes I make random lists, forget about the list then later find the list. Then I sit there and I'm like...Why the fuck did I write..
"The View. Crazy Fat lesbian. Republic Vagina. Danny Devito wine/whacko."
Then I remember ooooh...I was watching the View, Rosie O'donnell is a crazy fat lesbian, I hate Elizabth Hasselbeck,her republican ways and the fact that she's always on the rag, I have no clue why Danny Devito has his own wine, but he's a cute little midget guy...even though he's crazy."
or..something.
For weeks theres been a list sitting on the computer desk that says "Pop rocks. BK Ketchup fries. Scandanavian for Victorious.

It was a list to blog about. First I had pop rocks for the first time. A friend brought some in because I'd mentioned that I'd never had them. He told me to try them, and I won't lie...I was scared. All I knew about pop rocks were that they supposedly exploded in your mouth, and some kid died from them having them in his/her mouth and drinking soda at the same time.
After a few tastes and realizing that they barely pop nowadays. (Thanks to a lawsuit from the dead kids family I presume) I found myself risking death and drinking soda at the same time just to see what happened.
I thought it was gonna be like that lava experiment you'd see in science class.
No. It wasn't. It was very anti-climatic. Here I am risking my life for this phenomenon of years past, and......I get nothing. Not a pop. Not a fizzle. Jack shit.

I also tried these things out of a vending machine. They were called "Ketchup Fries" from Burger King. Basically...they were potato chips, in the form of a french fry....that...had a hint of ketchup in the taste. Being a huge fan of french fries, and...ketchup..I thought this was interesting. I wasn't expecting them to taste good, but still I had to try. After eating the whole bag..I'm still not sure if they're tasty, or taste like shit....They're very weird. Very.

The Scandanavian thing is kind of random. (But what isn't)
I found out that my name, with it's unique spelling is of Scandanavian descent. "Nicklous" means victorious. What's funny about this, is my friend Sharon brought the phrase "you scandanavian bitch" into my circle years ago. Who knew that I actually...in a sense...was a scandanavian bitch this whole time?.

The whole reason for this blog.....The TV show "The Singing Bee". I DVR'd an episode last week, just to see what the hype was. I finally watched it this morning.
My first thought, was...I want to fuck Joey Fatone. Well, I want Joey Fatone to fuck me. He's not hot. He doesnt have this great body, but something about him.....be it the personality, or the confidence, or...what...something makes me want him inside of me. (lol). Normally, I'm not the type to want to fuck someone just because of their personality...but somethin about his little baby bear self just rocks me in the nether regions.
Then, he announced it was the "Tv theme song edition". And,out walks.....Maureen McCormick, and Barry Williams. (Marsha, Marsha Marsha, and Greg Brady) And..they start singing the theme song to the Brady Bunch.
...
Then they start going through the audience showing all the losers vying to be the contestants...I don't know if they coach the audience or what, but the cheese factor was fucking ridiculous. Dorky dances... Cheesy grins and what nots. I swear one bitch did the Mashed Potato on the way to the stage.
I thought, What the fuck is wrong with these people? You're on television. Don't act like Goober McGee. Try to look ....fun, yet...cool. Not someone who collects ceramic ducks, names them...and throws tea parties with invisible friends who also collect ducks...who got chosen to be on a cheesy tv sing along show.
They picked the contestants..and then introduced the band.
Enter the only black people on the show. The band people. Proving that..this is the whitest thing I've ever seen. I think Don Imus is the executive producer or some shit.
Half way into the show...I realized that A) you have to be an idiot to lose. In the 3rd round (of 5) the song was the Flintstones theme song. the line that needed to be completed was "flintstones...meet the flintstones...a modern stone age family...from the..." ....
If anyone can't say "town of bedrock" you should kill yourself.
B) I noticed the backup dancers. (the only other black people on the show) It's a singing show, hosted by a former member of NSync, geared at housewives who have no lives....and all a sudden these skanky hoes in these super short sequin skirts come out...hoochin all over the dancefloor.
What the fuck? Suddenly it turned into Platinum Showgirls on a Friday night at 1 in the morning. I swear I seen Eddie Murphy run across stage and shove a dollar in one of their snatches.

Then they brought out The guy who played "uncle carl" and then Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.....Whom, didnt even know the lyrics to their own theme song.
Put me on a tv show with a theme song. I'll know that shit. I'll go around singing it all god damned day. I don't care if its about a child molesting farmer who raises baby goats. I'll sing that shit all day. "baaa".

The last group of "celebrities" they brought out were these two ugly old people from "Welcome back Kotter". I've never seen Welcome Back Kotter...nor will I ever watch an episode of it. So..I have nothing to say except for...if Don Imus is infact the producer (I mean ....really....couldnt they have brought the Mowry twins from Sister Sister?!?.) he needs to be fired.
Welcome Back Kotter?!?!?!!
Wtf?!

Ultimately, the big fat bitch won. As if anyone else had a chance. She wasnt cute. She wasn't thin. She had nothing better to do than sit in front of the tv her entire life memorizing all this shit. In between commercial breaks I'm positive she had a giant bag of cheetos, a box of milk duds and her Verizon V-cast in her hand watching the Soap Network.
Dying to know what no good Erica Kane was up to now.

I guess all I'm saying is....The Singing Bee show, is a fucking waste of air time. End the fucking thing. Put it out of its misery. The black band members can go back to N'awleans singing for change. The go-go bitches can go back to wishin and hopin In Living Color comes back so they can "dance" for a live audience. Eddie Murphy can buy other whores, and Joey Fatone can come fuck my butt.